What do his words mean?

[Pink86]

I have been texting this guy for a month and we get along great. I told him I’d love to be friends with benefits and he agreed. I think somewhere within the month he started falling for me. I told him I would be able to have sex with little emotion after. I think it offended him and he is now pulling away. Can you let me know what his texts mean below?

“You need to understand, I like you. I won't hurt you. I am not trying to bring you into my world permanently. But then again. I never wrote that off. You did. I like the unknown. But we can be friends. Just too busy for games.”
 

“I have feelings for you because I chose to care. I can get laid. I can do it now. I chose to care. I don't care if I see you in person. I don't care if I touch you. I want to, but I can get that anytime I want. I like you. You are always welcome. Salem or whatever else. For you to say if you f***ed around with me you could not talk to me again? I'm not into that. Sorry.”

Is he just angry with me? I was straight up honest with him what I wanted. He isn’t even talking to me anymore. Is he trying to make me jealous???

[S2B]

What did you say to him?

[Pink86]

I told him that I just wanted to be friends with benefits from the beginning and said honestly I could probably just have sex and not feel any feelings after. I didn’t mean it because I didn’t want to come off to him that I was starting to like him too so I said that. I think he took it the wrong way.

[basil67]

(oops - sorry - we cross posted)

 

So he's starting to care about you and you're starting to care about him, so you lied about not caring and are confused as to why he's mad?  Does this sum it up?

 

And no, he's not trying to make you jealous.  It sounds more like he doesn't want you in his life anymore.

Edited December 11, 2019 by basil67

[Pink86]

I didn’t think he wanted anything else at the time and didn’t want to appear as needy so I said that. I didn’t know he started liking me. Do you think he will come back? I’m giving him space now and won’t contact until he does because I don’t want to annoy him.

[S2B]

Ya know, these are games you’re playing.

 

next time state exactly how YOU feel.

 

sheez, you’re making things hard by not being honest about your feelings.

 

when I had a fwb years ago - we were completely HONEST with each other. Brutally honest. And still more than a decade later we are still very good friends and rely on each other for that basic knowledge knowing we understand each other. No sex for about 7 years - we would quit having sex when one of us was dating someone seriously. He is getting married next year

 

when he needs seeious support for an issue he isn’t understanding - he calls for direction. We are more like siblings all these years later.

 

no games though - we never had all the games. We always understood where we stood with one another and we never had any fights. We both cheer each other on in life and get happy when our kids have accomplishments.

 

a real friend - that’s what he is to me. 

[basil67]

If you want him back in your life, I would lead a conversation with something like "I'm so sorry I hurt you.  I was worried about appearing too needy and so I covered it up with bravado. I didn't consider how my words would make me look, and nor did I consider how they'd make you feel"

[Pink86]

I already did apologize for it. But he must still be mad about it. I guess I screwed up. I hope he comes back. Maybe when he cools down a little or maybe never.

[basil67]

'Mad' isn't the only thing he's likely feeling.   Could also be disappointed, hurt, feeling used...feelings are complicated things.  Or staying away from you because of game playing.   Yes, all you can do at this point is let it rest and learn from it.  

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

If you are friends with benefits, as a woman, you kind of need to submit to the man. Because of this, you must make the period of negotiation before the FwB begins as clear as possible. When he tries to do something outside of the negotiation, you simply refer to the negotiation that was made and erect a boundary. The woman I am seeing casually right now, her only boundary was "No Choking", so I respect that, but I consider everything else to be on the table.

 

The negotiation is the most important part of FwB, but the thing is, you cannot really negotiate the way you feel and anything that cannot be resolved with a negotiation should not be apart of the FwB. Not only should you two not be texting about your feelings, but you do not ever bring it up at all.. The thing is, you opened up the door to the talk of feelings by saying "I want to have sex without any feelings after," and that was a mistake, one he attempted to capitalize on. If you bring up the topic of feelings in a FwB, the only reason to do so is because you want to escalate the FwB to a relationship, other than that, do not bother. 

[elaine567]

FWB is primarily an arrangement for sex.
He started to develop feelings for you.
You reiterated the FWB mantra, "I can have sex without feelings.", even though it wasn't true...
He decided that was not an arrangement he could continue which is perfectly understandable.
No-one "with feelings" should enter into or continue a FWB arrangement, as they are going to get hurt.

The mistake you made was  seeing "We get along great" as a basis for a FWB and not a real relationship.
In order for a FWB arrangement to work there needs to be a deal breaker somewhere, some cast iron reason  or reasons that a real relationship is never on the cards..
That way feelings can be suppressed. fairly easily.
"I like him, but there is no future... due to x, y and z"
Here you both went sailing in without thinking it through.
A FWB is rarely a prelude to a real relationship, do not treat it in that way.
Anyone who is at all relationship minded or who falls in love easily needs to avoid FWBs as getting very hurt is highly likely.

[mark clemson]

11 hours ago, Pink86 said:

“You need to understand, I like you. I won't hurt you. I am not trying to bring you into my world permanently. But then again. I never wrote that off. You did. I like the unknown. But we can be friends. Just too busy for games.”
 

“I have feelings for you because I chose to care. I can get laid. I can do it now. I chose to care. I don't care if I see you in person. I don't care if I touch you. I want to, but I can get that anytime I want. I like you. You are always welcome. Salem or whatever else. For you to say if you f***ed around with me you could not talk to me again? I'm not into that. Sorry.”

 

Based on the bolded, it sounds like he may be confused about what you were actually offering/suggesting.

 

Overall it sounds like he may be worried he'll "catch feels" or perhaps wants more emotional connection but is trying to play it off as independence so as not to sound needy? Something like that. It's also possible he's playing hot/cold in an effort to make YOU more needy/interested or see if you maybe DO have emotions towards him. However, since you're already offering NSA sex that seems unlikely. Perhaps since you've already suggested/offered the sex this has triggered in him some "need" to have you feel emotionally connected towards him too.

[Pink86]

Do you think he will try to come back to me? I do miss him and I told him that but he’s still distant.

[mark clemson]

Pink86, it's hard to say. You might need to reach out to him if you wish to re-engage. Or he might contact you if he feels the desire for the NSA sex you seem to be offering him.

 

You might consider doing some internet research on "attachment styles" BTW as I think you might find this interesting and informative.

[Pink86]

I have reached out twice now. I feel like I’ll push him further away if I keep reaching out. Both times I reached out I apologized to him. 

[mark clemson]

In that case you're probably right + you should probably consider moving on. No sense waiting for something that seems fairly unlikely to happen. Sorry.

Edited December 11, 2019 by mark clemson

[Pink86]

After he told me that he can have sex when he wants, he said “you can definitely get it when you want it” but then after that he says “don’t you dare” so what does that mean? He still wants me? I’m so confused.

[mark clemson]

Yeah, I'd say you'd need to talk to him to clarify, but he's not responding. He's either not that great at expressing himself or being deliberately ambiguous/contradictory. Either way, no point in going crazy trying to interpret what he's saying. Suggest you try to let this go and move on from him instead. Another poster around here likes to say that the only person who can keep you in limbo and/or get you out of it is yourself. Right now you're in limbo wondering what he meant. But what's HE doing? Moving on to other women? You've reached out twice and he hasn't responded. Unless we're talking about less than 48 hrs here or he lost his phone, that speaks VOLUMES.

 

Some people are good at (sometimes unconsciously) manipulating others through hot/cold behavior. He may be one of them.

[Pink86]

he has responded. If I write to him he responds right away. Usually within seconds if he is busy. He will answer my questions and tell me he loves or likes me a lot but I will see him online and he won’t write me out if the blue. I always have to initiate the conversations. Like now its been 3 days and nothing. I am waiting for him to reach out now because I always have to. He said he isn’t mad at me but he isn’t taking initiative to write to me like we would do everyday. He said he will always be here for me and he will never let me fall. But I feel he is pulling away. He has never not responded to my text though.

[mark clemson]

It does sound like he is pulling away. Hence the advice to consider moving on. People say all sorts of things as you know - sometimes they're true and sometimes not. Sometimes they're well-intended but then feelings or circumstances change and they can't or don't want to bother to follow through on the "promises".

 

But you already know this. I'm by no means sure, but you may be clinging to a hope or fantasy here unrealistically.  If that was due to a misunderstanding, that's too bad, but these things certainly happen.

 

There are other fish in the sea, no?

[Pink86]

So if he pulls away and never talks to me again after a misunderstanding then he never really liked me in the first place right? Not even as a friend? Was what I did that hurtful?

[bradt93]

23 hours ago, Pink86 said:

I already did apologize for it. But he must still be mad about it. I guess I screwed up. I hope he comes back. Maybe when he cools down a little or maybe never.

You know why not go an actual date with him and see how it goes or are you afraid it would hurt him even more if you told him the date didn't go well?

[Pink86]

I would have but we have only been talking for 4 weeks and don’t live super close to eachother and then he pulled away so I figured what’s the point?

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Pink86 said:

So if he pulls away and never talks to me again after a misunderstanding then he never really liked me in the first place right? Not even as a friend? Was what I did that hurtful?

You basically told him that you see him as sex object and nothing more - it was a horrible thing to say.   And it certainly wasn't a 'misunderstanding'.   How can you downplay your own mistake to this degree?

[mark clemson]

Well, to be fair, some men would probably actually be ok with this. But sounds like not this guy.