Micro-Cheating

[Frozen22]

I’m just wondering what people’s thoughts are on micro-cheating. Specifically if your significant other is searching old flames on Facebook and hiding it from you? There has been no communication just looking at their profiles to see how their life is. 

[agawam25]

I think people are naturally curious about this. On some level most of it is just making sure they are doing alright. You had a connection with someone at some point, so to me it's natural that you'd wonder occasionally out of concern about whether they're fine.

 

If the exes were abusive, destructive or manipulative, and your SO is getting involved beyond a casual glance somehow, that would be a cause for worry. Scrolling through their profile is really insignificant, especially if you two are in a loving, kind relationship and it's clear in their mind that you're their person.

 

I'd file it under curiosity. Nothing more.

[healing light]

How often are they looking? 

 

I occasionally check other people's social media profiles when I think of them. The previous guys I dated... sometimes years between looking. Some never, depends on the person. Literally just out of curiosity of how their life turned out, what job they're doing, that kind of thing. Same with other friends I knew from high school.

 

If someone was checking out their ex daily, etc. and our relationship was rocky, then I'd wonder. I wouldn't consider it cheating or micro-cheating, but if it was super often it would make me wonder if something was missing from the relationship. If they didn't have a lot of time between breaking up with them and getting with me, that would change the context, too.

[Piddy]

It's just curiosity IMO.  I don't do Facebook, but I recently Googled four ex girlfriends.  These girlfriends are from 40 years ago mind you, so for me it was just to see where in life they ended up.  However, one of these ex girlfriends triggered something in my subconscious that I didn't know was there. 

 

So, buyer beware when scratching that itch of curiosity.  I think one needs to ask when being curious about someone, do you really want to know?  That's the only caveat I would add.  If you're curious about someone who you had a bad breakup with and might still have some unresolved feelings about it may not be a good idea. 

 

But as long as there's no intention of rekindling anything, then it's just a natural human instinct to wonder about people who at one time were special in your life.

Edited December 11, 2019 by Piddy

[d0nnivain]

Micro cheating?  WTH?  Such an inflammatory label.  

 

When I first got social media I looked up a few EXs because I could.  I didn't want them back . . . I was just looking up everybody.  I didn't come right out & tell my husband.  I looked.  I satisfied my curiosity & I moved on.  I suppose I am friends on FB with one EX. . . some guy I dated 35 years ago in HS.  We were together for something like 2 months but by the time I friended him on FB he & my husband had already met because we all live in the same neighborhood.  They actually hit it off. 

 

Hiding stuff like that is a problem.  It does undermine the foundation of a relationship but if your SO is hiding it, how do you know?  Are you snooping?  The combo:  1 person being decretive about their interactions with members of the opposite sex; 1 person not trusting & snooping, plus the lack of communication equals the demise of the relationship.  

 

Talk to your SO about what you found & why that person is doing these searches.  Admit that the behavior hurts & upsets you.  If your SO doesn't validate your feelings & curtail the secretiveness then you know where you rate.  If you get gaslighted, just walk away.  

[schlumpy]

I don't think this something to lose sleep over unless she follows them daily or attempts to contact them. Everyone has a natural curiosity to see how old friends turned out compared to your own life.

 

Check out her activity for awhile to satisfy yourself nothing is going on and once satisfied forget about it. There is nothing wrong, in my opinion, with you being preemptive in defense of your relationship although I recognize that there are others that disagree with that notion. If she is still shopping then it's something you have to know.

 

The alternative is to wait for the conversation, "Dear, we need to talk." 

[Frozen22]

Thanks for the thoughtful help and input so far. I just wanted to Let everyone know that it’s me, I’m the one who was caught browsing through people from my past life’s Facebook profiles. I hope this doesn’t sound stupid but I’m really upset with myself and I’m really struggling to figure out why. It’s not the first time it’s happened it’s happened before. Both time’s I’ve been caught. I’m really very upset by this but we have reached a point of no trust. My SO can’t control her snooping my phone and I can’t control not wanting to look. This time I created a fake Facebook accoun to do it as I was forced to remove my account and all social media when I was caught the first time. I just feel terrible. I’m really not tying to make excuses or justify but I do think it’s somewhat important to tell you that this last time occurred on Nov 29. My Girlfriend and I had a very difficult low period and seemed that we were on the brink. I decided to get a bottle of wine that night and that is what I did. I’m not 100% sure but I feel like this could be some messed up way for me to escape. 

[elaine567]

How long have you been dating?
Time to make big decisions may be?
Engagement? Marriage? Kids?
Are you feeling trapped?
Railroaded maybe?
Looking back on more carefree times perhaps?
Is this current relationship what you really want?

[d0nnivain]

19 minutes ago, Frozen22 said:

 I was forced to remove my account and all social media when I was caught the first time. 

 

 

What?  How does somebody "force" another adult to do anything?  

 

You keep doing this because you are missing something in your romantic relationship. Your GF also doesn't trust you & it sounds like she never will.   It's a vicious cycle.  

Why not be single for a while?  Think about what you want in a relationship.  Then when you feel like you understand yourself & are ready to fully settle down, you won't have this problem . 

[schlumpy]

End the relationship or go to couples counseling. There is not talk of love. There is only talk about anger at getting caught and her "snooping." 

[Frozen22]

How long have you been dating?

11 months
 

Time to make big decisions may be?

I feel like it’s too soon. She wanted me to marry her. 

Probably sounds like a cliche but it’s complicated. In a nut shell, 5 years ago my ex wife married the man she had met on Ashley Maddison. I took it extremely hard. Did a ton of work but maybe I’m not done. Lost 50lbs over the stress, got shingles, etc. My GF has been married 2 twice before, her first husband 
cheated and left her for his affair partner. She then married a police officer who she had met during the end of her 1st marriage, he was responding to an issue with her and her previous husband. She had a child with him (the second husband). After the second husband and her divorced she had another child with another man, they had bought a house together but split up before her 2nd daughter was born. She is currently very stressed regarding an on going custody battle with this man. This man is a teacher and got arrested for an inappropriate relationship with one of his students who was 17. He got 90 days in jail served on weekends. Just started Serving this time.  I have 2 kids of my own a 9yr old girl, 7yr old boy. Her kids are 8 and 3. Our 4 kids all get along great and that whole blended family part is really good. She’s an amazing mom and so great to all kids not just mine and hers. She is a kindergarten teacher. 
 

Are you feeling trapped?

I’m not 100% sure. We don’t cohabitate. But very lately she’s been advocating we find a new home to move everyone in to. I’m really not sure I think part of this could be fear I don’t know I don’t want to make any excuse I feel like a very bad person.  

 

Railroaded maybe? 
Yes I think that could be a reality. I actually consider myself very passive. It’s hard for me to share opinions that may not be liked. I run from conflict. I grew to at least say I hate problems. But I’m such an ass because I’ve created this. 

 

Looking back on more carefree times perhaps?
Yes I think that is definitely part of it. 

Is this current relationship what you really want?

I think both of us needs to figure that out. 

[d0nnivain]

She does not sound like a stable long term partner.  She's looking for a white knight / savior.  Your subconscious knows this so your eyes & your hands on your keyboard stray.  Your mind is telling you to run away from this women who can't sustain a healthy relationship.  Listen to yourself.  

Edited December 11, 2019 by d0nnivain

[Frozen22]

Thanks for the thoughts and input. It actually does feel like that. Even if that is true, which we’ll never know for sure. For much of our relationship I did feel like I was never good enough. I’m still processing all of this and I still feel like such a piece of #%#%. This all only just happened last night. I just got home from work and she stopped me on the road and demanded to see me. We went back to my house with her. I didn’t want to because I knew was about to happen. She is extremely hurt and emotional. She yelled at me and cried for the whole thing. She got her stuff she was keeping at my house and told me that I would never see her again. I did look her in the eyes and told how sorry I was. I did asked her if she was sure and maybe try to take a little bit of time as I didn’t think we could talk or try to resolve anything when was this upset. Obviously nothing I could say mattered to her. Everything I did say was turned against me. When I said can she take some time a day a week a month or whatever, to have another conversation when she wasn’t so upset. It was just turned into how it proved I didn’t want her around etc. It’s difficult because so so many ways she’s a beautiful person. Actually in all the really important stuff she  is really amazing. I feel like such a d#%^ because when things were bad in our relationship a lot of the time brought on by external stresses and anxiety from her current ex and custody situation. I always just told myself when this is over things will be great. The trouble was regardless of the big one, the custody battle. There was always something else. Trouble with work colleges, problems with her parents, issues with her brother who’s she cut off, there’s more but that’s enough to mention. I hate myself but I was starting to think f%^* this is always going to happen. I was really struggling with if I could accept that. It was just difficult because I’m so many ways and the really important ones loyalty, trust (regarding infidelity), loving etc etc she’s got. 
 

It’s very important here to make it clear that I am not the victim. I played an incredible large role in to why we’re at this current place. Right now and rightfully so she does not acknowledge her part. That’s ok completely understand why. 
 

I am not sure what’s going to happen next. I got out of the house and I’m trying to distract myself at the gym. Even though she insisted I would never hear from her or see her again, we do share a puppy so I know there’s still things to figure out. 
 

I really do appreciate everyone’s thoughts it doesn’t make me feel any better of a person but it helps in gaining at least some outside perspective. 
 

thank you, I’ll probably be back with more updates. Just trying to hang in for now. So far I’m doing better than I could have ever imagined. 5 years ago when I had the big one happen I was a complete mess. 
 

sorry for the long post but for my situation my daughter is going to very hurt and I’m not sure how to handle that yet. My kids come back on Friday after school for their week with me. 
 

thanks again :( 

Btw since my divorce 5 years ago I have to admit I am also feeling that I can not sustain a healthy long term relationship either. Just reading that back sounds funny because obviously my marriage wasn’t healthy either. Once the dust settles on this situation, if it turns out to be permanent I have to remain without a romantic partner until I can figure this crap out. 

[Ameele]

Searching and looking is entirely different than reaching out to someone. I dont consider searching cheating at all. Sometimes you want to know what that person is up to out of curiousity, not because you want that person back in your life. 

[healing light]

6 hours ago, Frozen22 said:

I actually consider myself very passive. It’s hard for me to share opinions that may not be liked. I run from conflict.

 

This is your problem right here. I can tell you from my personal life experience and observations, the universe often sends you people and situations that will continue to test your boundaries until you find the strength within yourself to develop some healthy ones. What this means is that people who are drama-filled, overbearing, and/or abusive tend to attract others who are meek, passive, people-pleasers, conflict avoidant, etc. It will feel really uncomfortable at first when you start saying no to other people's unreasonable demands and expectations, and it won't be without a fight, but ultimately it's the only way to live and not build up resentment and health problems as a result of stuffing down your own needs and feelings to accommodate others.

 

3 hours ago, Frozen22 said:

I always just told myself when this is over things will be great. The trouble was regardless of the big one, the custody battle. There was always something else. Trouble with work colleges, problems with her parents, issues with her brother who’s she cut off, there’s more but that’s enough to mention.

 

Hate to tell you this, but it sounds like the common denominator with all this drama is her.

 

In the very least, flipping out on you and making you quit all social media for taking a peek at someone's site is super controlling and crazy. She either trusts you, or she doesn't. She doesn't sound ready for a healthy relationship if she is taking out the sins of her past partners onto you. Looking to see what someone is up to is NOT the same as cheating, "micro-cheating" (WTF is that? Sounds like an invented term to charge you with crimes you haven't committed), soliciting them, asking for sex, asking to meet up, etc. If you were obsessively checking pages every day, then I'd get why someone felt uneasy BUT it still wouldn't merit her over-the-top reaction.

 

You may not feel it now, but you should be extremely grateful she broke up with you. Please maintain it, because I'm sure she's probably going to start reeling you back in like nothing happened while you get all the blame. This is not healthy and your children should not be subject to her tirades if you do decide to live with her under the same roof.

 

11 months in should still be a relatively carefree, happy, getting to know you phase where you are still figuring out the deeper aspects of someone's character and if they are compatible with your life. To have this much trouble this early on does not bode well for how she will potentially escalate conflict and drama in the future.

[5x5]

17 hours ago, Frozen22 said:

My SO can’t control her snooping my phone and I can’t control not wanting to look. This time I created a fake Facebook accoun to do it as I was forced to remove my account and all social media when I was caught the first time.

 

Well you could just tell her you will do as you please, and change the settings on your phone to prevent her looking at all ever.

 

Personally I would never humour such insecure nonsense from anyone.

[GoreSP]

Micro cheating is a thing; I lived it for a year and a half.  It’s similar to emotional affairs and you can tell it’s « wrong » because of the secrecy around it.

 

looking at an ex’s Facebook page isn’t micro cheating.

creating a fake profile so you can look at ex’s profiles without your SO finding out because it bothers them, is.

 

also, I feel like OP isn’t telling us the while story about why their SO « can’t help snooping through their phone »

[2BGoodAgain]

there's a saying... when you put a frog in a bucket of hot water, it immediately jumps out,  but if you put a frog in a bucket of cold water and slowly raise the temperature... it won't notice the hot water and just die...

 

the point is.. everything starts off small... but it just builds and builds and then suddenly your micro cheating becomes cheating.

 

it's easier to end it when it's small, then when it's full blown. 

[Frozen22]

Thanks for the replies, here’s where we are at this morning.
 

last night when I got home from the gym, I found that she had left a small bag with some of my stuff from her house on my porch. I’m fairly sure she decided to drop it to check up on me as I don’t have my kids this week. However during our after work confrontation she knew I was heading to the gym, so most likely this was her attempting to let go further too. 
 

I didn’t feel great last night and had my first feelings of oh s*** I’ll be alone forever, I’m a failure, idiot etc etc. It wasn’t too terrible it was there. I then used some of this free time to plainly and take care of the dog and to clean a portion of my house which felt good and then went to bed. 
 

During the night I received 36 text msgs and 6 phone calls from her. The phone calls came in between 12:57am and 2:19am. 
 

I heard and completely ignored the first two calls, didn’t even lift my head to check who was calling. I believe it was the third call that scared me out of my sleep like so much that I remember jolting and letting out a loud scream, I then actually put my phone on silent. A little later I heard this weird noise that I thought could be the dog or someone outside my house I was let sure, then the faint noises became rapid. I lifted my head again, it was my phone making little vibrating noises from all the texts. After that I was able to get some sleep. 
 

I woke up this morning late for work and tired. I usually try to leave the house at 6:30am. I was just about to leave around 7:10 just standing packing up my stuff. She busts in, and completely startles me. She has the garage code and I don’t typically lock the entry door from the garage. She starts yelling at me about Instagram. I told her to get out of my house. I had hold her shoulders and turn her towards the door, reluctantly she finally ran out. 
 

Once I got to the train I finally decided to look at the messages. They are all just basically yelling at me around how could I do this to her, how could I lie about my secret social media accounts etc. 
 

I did reply and all I said verbatim was: 

 

You don’t have the right to bust in to my house. 

 

You were just planning to go through all my stuff again. 
 

You can’t be trusted

 

Now I’ve received approx 10 more msgs along the same lines. I need to work, I’m at my desk. I’m not replying to or looking at any more txts should they come today. Tonight I’ll make sure my phone is set to do not disturb.  
 

 

 

[FMW]

Yikes.  Change the garage code, change locks if she ever had a key, and keep your distance.  Although I can understand her not being happy about what you did, all those late night calls, texts, and then coming into your home like that are just crazy, unbalanced.

 

Time to put this one behind you.

[mark clemson]

On 12/11/2019 at 10:29 AM, Frozen22 said:

... I’m really upset with myself and I’m really struggling to figure out why. It’s not the first time it’s happened it’s happened before... I’m not 100% sure but I feel like this could be some messed up way for me to escape. 

 

Soooo... I suppose if you speak to a man when out and about that is "micro-cheating" as well or ??

 

Seems to me like you and your partner both are making a big deal over nothing. Why are you not allowed to look at old friends' social media?

 

I wouldn't be happy either if I was feeling guilty over (what I feel is) nothing or had a partner who insisted on snooping my phone and making a big deal out of something like that. Unless there is some sort of history here this sounds overly controlling to me.

 

Boundaries that are too tight probably will backfire eventually. Sounds like that happened here? Why is this "cheating" at all?

[mark clemson]

Sorry, I missed your later posts. This woman is seems like a slightly deranged psycho-shrew and should be completely avoided. Be GLAD you triggered the end of this relationship before you got even more entangled with this person.

 

Pull yourself together, consider counseling, file this whole thing under "crazy ex girlfriend", and move on is my advice.

[healing light]

This woman honestly sounds nuttier than a squirrel turd.

 

Protect yourself from her antics--change the locks in the very least.

[JTSW]

The problem in the relationship was her crazy behavior, not you looking up ex's.

There is nothing wrong with looking up past acquaintances on Facebook. It doesn't mean anything and we have all done it. 

She has some severe irrational insecurities and the way she has treated you is completely out of order.

You never cheated. You never treated her badly, but she has made you feel like a bad person (which you are not). 

She had absolutely no right to demand you remove all your social media. That's controlling and manipulative behavior.

Block her number. Change your garage code and house locks. You did nothing wrong. 

 

[Alpacalia]

Never heard of the term "micro-cheating" and had to look it up. 

 

I guess it depends on how often they are looking and if it's ongoing and are they contacting an ex on social media behind your boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse's back. 

 

Quite honestly this is part of the issue I have with Social Media in general.

Edited December 20, 2019 by Alpaca