Anyone dated someone with aspergers?

[RecentChange]

I don't think I have dated anyone with Asperger's, but my old FWB could have probably been described as mildly on the spectrum.

 

Here's the thing - I like many women place a high importance on social interaction. Heck I am so into the ways humans interact I obtained a sociology degree.

 

I don't think aspie guys are "retarded" or that shy and quiet guys are creepy etc. (But projecting this kind of negative energy is a huge repellent).

 

While I don't think shy and quiet guys are creepy, they are a LOT more work to get to know. Having a decent conversation (one of my favorite past times) is harder to accomplish etc. Plus by being shy and quiet it's just easier to blend into the wood work and go unnoticed.

 

Back to my FWB - He was an engineer, the shy and quiet type. Didn't have a lot of confidence in himself nor his abilities with women (he had one girlfriend before me though).

 

But one on one he could easily have very interesting and intellectual conversations which I enjoyed.

 

I am fairly extroverted / dominate / aggressive so I didn't mind taking the lead on our relationship. I still remember we were sitting together on a couch drinking wine and watching a movie when he finally got the courage to stroke my leg. I took that as a green flag and initiated our first kiss. Because he was kinda shy and inexperienced I remember continuously checking in for consent. As l unzipped his pants "is this okay?" etc.

 

I have never been with anyone else that I had to take the lead with so much (at first, once he grew confidence it was a different situation).  So for me, that was something unique about being with a guy on the spectrum. He also had a tendency to want to analyze things in a black and white manner that I found was problematic for romance.

 

Because of his peculiarities - we never really established a true BF / GF relationship, rather we were friends that had great sex.

 

He is happily married these days. His wife has a PhD in a STEM field - they are both heady in the same way and get along well. She too is a bit socially ackward all and all a match.

 

In the end - relationships are about social interaction - so the better you can get at communicating, both verbally and non verbally the better your chances will be.

 

More communication therapy would be a good idea - it will help you in life, business and love.

 

Generally the men who do best with women aren't the best looking, nor the most successful etc, but rather the ones that can communicate effectively.

[basil67]

18 hours ago, bradt93 said:

I'm sorry if some of them feel they have to stay away from guys who are quiet and shy, omg they must be psycho then right?

 

'Quiet and shy' doesn't make people think you're psycho, but the kind of behaviour like lashing out as you have been on the thread will repel people.

 

That said, the problem with quiet and shy is that conversing with someone who's quiet and shy is hard work and and frankly, boring.   This is true for quiet and shy people who aren't aspie too.  A person who draws others in can hold up their end of a conversation easily.  

 

 

[bradt93]

On 12/12/2019 at 3:49 PM, RecentChange said:

I don't think I have dated anyone with Asperger's, but my old FWB could have probably been described as mildly on the spectrum.

 

Here's the thing - I like many women place a high importance on social interaction. Heck I am so into the ways humans interact I obtained a sociology degree.

 

I don't think aspie guys are "retarded" or that shy and quiet guys are creepy etc. (But projecting this kind of negative energy is a huge repellent).

 

While I don't think shy and quiet guys are creepy, they are a LOT more work to get to know. Having a decent conversation (one of my favorite past times) is harder to accomplish etc. Plus by being shy and quiet it's just easier to blend into the wood work and go unnoticed.

 

Back to my FWB - He was an engineer, the shy and quiet type. Didn't have a lot of confidence in himself nor his abilities with women (he had one girlfriend before me though).

 

But one on one he could easily have very interesting and intellectual conversations which I enjoyed.

 

I am fairly extroverted / dominate / aggressive so I didn't mind taking the lead on our relationship. I still remember we were sitting together on a couch drinking wine and watching a movie when he finally got the courage to stroke my leg. I took that as a green flag and initiated our first kiss. Because he was kinda shy and inexperienced I remember continuously checking in for consent. As l unzipped his pants "is this okay?" etc.

 

I have never been with anyone else that I had to take the lead with so much (at first, once he grew confidence it was a different situation).  So for me, that was something unique about being with a guy on the spectrum. He also had a tendency to want to analyze things in a black and white manner that I found was problematic for romance.

 

Because of his peculiarities - we never really established a true BF / GF relationship, rather we were friends that had great sex.

 

He is happily married these days. His wife has a PhD in a STEM field - they are both heady in the same way and get along well. She too is a bit socially ackward all and all a match.

 

In the end - relationships are about social interaction - so the better you can get at communicating, both verbally and non verbally the better your chances will be.

 

More communication therapy would be a good idea - it will help you in life, business and love.

 

Generally the men who do best with women aren't the best looking, nor the most successful etc, but rather the ones that can communicate effectively.

Well, I've hugged women and held hands with women, but never kissed. You're probably thinking oh you poor man, you're 31 years old and still haven't experienced that.

[RecentChange]

1 hour ago, bradt93 said:

Well, I've hugged women and held hands with women, but never kissed. You're probably thinking oh you poor man, you're 31 years old and still haven't experienced that.

 

Nope, "you poor man" never crossed my mind.

 

Just like all of the insults you have projected that other people must be thinking about you.

 

I am going to go out on a limb and say you do a poor job of guessing what other people are thinking. And that you have a low self image and project that into others.

 

Nope, instead I was thinking "boy it's difficult for people who with struggle recognizing all the nuances and unwritten rules that dictate social behavior". 

 

I was thinking good for you for trying to get out of your box and learn different ways of interacting with people.

 

The way I see it - it's like you were born speaking a different language and then get tossed into a society where most people speak something else.

 

They look at you like you have a funny accent and can't quite understand what you are saying, and you can't quite understand them either.

 

I have a friend who was born in Iran and taught himself English by watching TV etc. Self taught - yet mastered the language enough to earn a computer science master's degree at a school in the US. I found that quite impressive!

 

Yet he will comment that he "feels stupid" when he hears a child speaking  English better than he does. Or he fears that people think he is stupid when he struggles to find a word in English.

 

I never once thought he was stupid, but instead quite bright, his accent or being an ESL speaker has nothing to do with his intelligence. So if I was making a funny face, it's not because I was thinking "oh this guy is an idiot" it's because I was genuinely trying to figure out what he was saying.

 

His situation reminds me of yours. Quit beating yourself up, try to quit projecting such a negative self image. Those things you imagine other people thinking? The fact is, YOU are the one thing it. 

[elaine567]

Most people to be honest rarely worry about other people.
They are usually in their own bubble, thinking about their own stuff and wondering what other people think about them just like you are worrying what they think of you...
You feel self conscious thinking they all know you have never been kissed, but how on earth would they be able to tell?

[bradt93]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Most people to be honest rarely worry about other people.
They are usually in their own bubble, thinking about their own stuff and wondering what other people think about them just like you are worrying what they think of you...
You feel self conscious thinking they all know you have never been kissed, but how on earth would they be able to tell?

There must be seriously wrong with me for no girls to not want to do that. 

[jah526]

Yes, I have. He was 39 and totally inexperienced when we met. It didn’t quite work out, mostly because he wasn’t that attracted to me. We are still the best of friends, and he’s decided that he’s more interested in other things like traveling and hiking. He’s come out of his shell quite a bit in the almost 20 years I’ve known him. I, on the other hand, am still struggling. I don’t think I’m on the spectrum but I am very introverted, and believe me, it’s hard to be that way in a society that values garrulousness, especially in women.

 

All kinds of people in the world. Just need to find your tribe.

[bradt93]

13 hours ago, jah526 said:

Yes, I have. He was 39 and totally inexperienced when we met. It didn’t quite work out, mostly because he wasn’t that attracted to me. We are still the best of friends, and he’s decided that he’s more interested in other things like traveling and hiking. He’s come out of his shell quite a bit in the almost 20 years I’ve known him. I, on the other hand, am still struggling. I don’t think I’m on the spectrum but I am very introverted, and believe me, it’s hard to be that way in a society that values garrulousness, especially in women.

 

All kinds of people in the world. Just need to find your tribe.

At least you had the courage of experiencing your fist kiss. Me? I can't even work up the courage to touch a woman. I don't know why. I wasn't really rejected throughout my life so far. My low self esteem has taken over me and I can't seem to escape from it. I would call myself the king of losers.

[pepperbird]

um, I just read the first two posts.

first off, please stop with the  comment about people with apsergers being "retarded".

Second, you don't "have" aspergers. It's NOT a disease. It's called "high functioning autism".

Now with that out of the way, i am autistic. Is there anything you would, like to ask? I'd be happy to answer

On 12/11/2019 at 10:24 PM, bradt93 said:

I'm sorry if some of them feel they have to stay away from guys who are quiet and shy, omg they must be psycho then right?

I married a guy who is quiet and shy and have been with him for 23 years now.

On 12/11/2019 at 11:44 PM, bradt93 said:

Hey man, I think she's going to grow up to be a beautiful woman even though I don't agree with her views on climate change on much. She would be wild in bed though :). 

she's also a 16 year old kid.

gross.

op,

my daughter is also a high functioning autistic, and in law school. I may be biased, but she's also drop dead gorgeous. Over five foot ten, beautiful long hair, huge blue eyes and a pretty smile. Under that, she's one of the most beautiful people I know.

Guys hit on her all the time, but she's identified as asexual. It's not rejecting them, it's just not who she is. They could be the worlds greatest guy and she still wouldn't be interested.

On 12/12/2019 at 5:24 PM, basil67 said:

 

'Quiet and shy' doesn't make people think you're psycho, but the kind of behaviour like lashing out as you have been on the thread will repel people.

 

That said, the problem with quiet and shy is that conversing with someone who's quiet and shy is hard work and and frankly, boring.   This is true for quiet and shy people who aren't aspie too.  A person who draws others in can hold up their end of a conversation easily.  

 

 

For those of us who are quiet and shy, the outgoing people can be very kind, but draining. It's nothing against them. I have  a friend like that. Super high energy, outgoing, etc. I can't be around her for very long, even though I love her to death. She's a fantastic person, but we are very different.

[jah526]

21 hours ago, bradt93 said:

At least you had the courage of experiencing your fist kiss. Me? I can't even work up the courage to touch a woman. I don't know why. I wasn't really rejected throughout my life so far. My low self esteem has taken over me and I can't seem to escape from it. I would call myself the king of losers.

Well, that’s not really true is it? You said above you’ve hugged and held hands before. Kissing is a bit different though, I get that. Why not just work up to it - maybe a peck on the cheek first? It doesn’t have to be perfect, and it’s much nicer to get a quick peck than a tongue down the throat (well, initially anyway). And you can always communicate that you’re nervous - many women find that endearing. We’re not all the judgmental ogres you make us out to be. 😉