In Love or Just Having a Nervous Breakdown

[Coral Evans]

I am currently working abroad and met a man on Tinder.  This has been a hard transition for me.  Moving to a new country,  a new job, the loss of an old job, losing one family member and another becoming gravely ill.  I also suffer from anxiety and depression.  I came to Europe (albeit, Eastern Europe) for a change since I figured I would travel and enjoy a bit after all that I have been through and got a great job (although, I have a huge responsibility).  I met a Spanish man who is the boss of a huge construction company here temporarily for work.  We both loved literature, same artists, same everything.  Since I had not started my job quite yet, I was myself, happy, positive and cheerful.  He pursued me and we went out to dinner and he treated me well.  The problem is my medication doesn't allow me to drink, but when I started the job, I knew I had to cope with a LOT of stress (CEO essentially a friend depending on me), and I knew I was catching strong feelings for this man, and I started drinking daily (vs only on weekends) and drinking to the point of getting drunk.  This man was VERY into me, despite being super busy, he made time for me and somehow, I felt like he was a God sent cuz he was just like my dad who had a stroke and is no longer like that at all.  This man, however, told me clearly that he is not looking for a girlfriend, yet how could I believe it when he pursued me? When he sent me tons of messages and spent loads of $ on restaurants?  He finally spent the night and tbh, the sex was NOT good, he took forever to become aroused and clearly has some issues in that department (sadly, he is pretty much physically NOT a man most women would find attractive at all or endowed).  After when he slept, he smelled strange and I literally had to leave. Nevertheless, the stress at work got crazy and when I met with him after, he would rush home cuz he was "tired" (he does work 65 hours a week and drives 2.5 hours a day).  He also told me he doesn't want to show affection in public or hold hands (this is a small town).  Incidentally, I met a co-worker of his who told me that he lives next door to a young female engineer in a neighborhood 2.5 hours away from his work which is why he has such a crazy commute, cuz nobody else he works with does that.  He did mention having a good female friend who was smart and an engineer but literally, EVERY local told me that it's obvious that he has something with this woman cuz here young women often latch on to Western men with good salaries (he is 41 and she in her 20s).  He said she is "just a friend" who "helps him a lot".  I got furious and started blowing up his phone and called her a "prostitute", and after that he said this friendship is not working and has refused to see me since then.  On my end, I am so stressed and lonely that I am texting him all the time, and literally getting few responses.  In fact, when I called him he didn't even answer and told me he doesn't wanna meet on the weekend cuz he's "tired" several times though the one time we did talk he said "we will talk about this all face to face, just give me a few weeks please".   He said he had "very bad feelings" after what I said and can't get over me accusing him of essentially being a liar/cheater. Now I text him and for some strange reason I want him desperately, and he is kind of ignoring me (in fact, when I sent him a picture of me from the Christmas party which everyone said was awesome he temporarily blocked me).  This is also a man who worked in Mexico on a large project, got a girl there pregnant, and told me over dinner that though his priority is providing financially for his son, he didn't plan on a baby and doesn't have "feelings like a dad should".  In fact, even before sex, he said "I hope at your age you don't get pregnant cuz I DO NOT need 'another Mexican'".  Why do I care about this guy? How can I handle this situation? (P.S. I am scheduled for therapy).

[2BGoodAgain]

you accused him of doing something and he instead flipped it on you being the bad guy and him the victim.

 

honestly, you're lonely and going thru multiple events in your life and he is a fun fantasy; an easy escape from the reality of your life. I don't believe it is HIM that you miss, but what he represents. He was your escape from reality and now he's basically ignoring you cutting you off from the escape. 

 

your brain is screaming at your body sending chemicals to seek this out again, even though you KNOW he isn't worth it and the sex/afterwards was bleh.

 

I can relate to this feeling after someone cut me off and honestly my brain couldn't figure out why I was so obsessed with her. she was a mess and not that great for me, but what I loved was the way she could make me feel... being wanted, pursued, etc... then suddenly she stopped. 

 

it's like being on a drug and then suddenly it's gone. you know it's bad for you, but you crave it, you go crazy over it. That's what that is.

 

Talk to your therapist; it'll help and she/he will help you figure out what it is you're going thru.

 

good luck to you!