Still recovering from cheating/mind games

[aukonak]

I've posted my story in the Second Chances and Cheating forums - I think my main advice for anyone that runs into a situation in which they're debating whether or not to forgive/give a second chance, is to consider the medium-long term emotional damage you're potentially exposing yourself to down the line.

 

My ex cheated on me very early on in our relationship with her long-term ex.  I (stupidly) contemplated giving her a chance and disregarded a slew of red flags.  I broke up with her, started hanging out again, watched as she couldn't take accountability or cut comms with him, cut things off again, started to get sucked back in from the sweet stuff she said in her emails, and finally (thankfully) cut it off for good once I finally got that the cycle was going to repeat.  But I'm still reeling from the messed-upness of it all.

 

The girl cheated 6 weeks in following a week-long effort on his part to get her back (lol I know).  She lied to me about where she was, and swore that at no moment was sex on her mind (lol I know) until it happened.  She fed me a string of excuses ranging from blaming his manipulation, to us not having an official label yet, to her needing to do it for "closure", to general confusion.  After cutting comms with him, I found out she reached back out to him literally the day we first broke up.  At the same time, she said she was falling for me.  She said I was one of the greatest guys she'd ever met, that she couldn't believe the magnitude in which she'd repeatedly screwed things up with me.  She kept saying things like this, saying she wished she could be with me etc.  She simultaneously said all of that, also that she needed to figure out where her feelings for him were and to "leave them there for a while", also saying that she had no intention of ever being with him again, that she knew he could never make her happy.  Also saying that she needed him to be okay with them moving on so that she wouldn't hurt him.  Also saying at various times, "what if I fail again?" (at avoiding temptation).

 

Now I know I ignored a lot and set myself up for this, but it doesn't make it hurt any less to have a girl say/do such ridiculous/contradictory things.  That til the very end she couldn't admit she knew they were going to hook up (this drives me crazy still and I'm not sure why).  That she was essentially saying, "I really like you and wish I could be with you, but I'm not sure I can resist him if he tries again".  How messed up is that, and how would that make anyone feel?

 

In situations like this, even knowing intuitively that it's not about me, that it still feels like crap to have a girl who's supposed to care/feel a certain way about you, tell you that she can't control herself around another guy.  So messed up.

Edited December 11, 2019 by aukonak
words

[mark clemson]

Possibly she has limerence for this guy. It can have a drug-like effect and for some folks it's a bit like an addiction. Possibly she rationally wanted to move on, but was emotionally still hooked on this guy.

 

Or possibly she just has poor impulse control. At any rate, she sounded quite conflicted which, you're right, is very much a red (or at least yellow) flag.

[2BGoodAgain]

having been on both sides... I can tell you, mentally she prob knows it's a bad choice and wants to do the right thing, but chemically, she's drawn to the feeling the guy gives her.. it isn't even the guy she wants, though she may think it is. her brain is telling her chemically that the high she gets when she's with this guy is of utmost importance. So even if she has the will to leave it, the withdrawal symptoms she goes thru can be terrible.

 

treat her like a drug addict... it won't be until they hit ROCK BOTTOM that the pain of her choices become greater than any fears she has.. unfortunately, on her way to the rock bottom.. she'll take everyone close to her with her... and that includes you.

 

protect yourself. 

 

it's up to her to seek help... therapist, etc.. but like I said, it won't be until she hits rock bottom that it'll be a make or break for her... she'll either have enough loss/pain to seek out long term help... or she'll just jump to another guy to get the same high feeling she's going thru now...

 

good luck to you.

[aukonak]

Thank you for the comments.  I'm struggling a lot with how much she got to me and how hard it's been to let her go; I'm being pretty hard on myself as a result...and I guess I'm just wondering if this is indicative that something is wrong, or if I'm just being too hard on myself.  On one hand, she was very convincing even while acting confusing.  She said a lot of things to me that nobody's said in a long time, and I chose to trust her despite the warning signs.  Things also were idyllic for that super-brief period before hell broke loose.  We couldn't keep our hands off of each other - there was palpable sexual tension every time we first got together.  We had a blast on a weekend away together near the end.  She constantly vocalized things she noticed about me and appreciated that made it feel like she got me.  I don't know - all of this just makes it that much more maddening and disappointing and confusing that she cheated, where, by her account, she was right there along with me having a blast those early weeks.

 

I have no problem finding dates, and I never really thought that I had unhealthy tendencies or self-image issues to subject myself to this kind of mistreatment.  It's just rare for me to feel the connection I felt with her, and to have things seemingly be firing on all cylinders as they were.  In her emails after we broke up, she too was lamenting how "this" was how things ended up, after "making such an amazing connection with a stranger so fast".  And this was even with my coming into things being wary of moving too quickly.

 

It's just frustrating.  I'm still often stuck in my head trying to understand whether or not she was completely full of crap with me, and when I'm not thinking about that, I'm getting frustrated wondering why I can't just let her go and move on.  I started going to therapy this past week, so hopefully that will help.

Edited December 12, 2019 by aukonak
addendum

[mark clemson]

Some people just trigger our attachment more than others. Possibly you have or are starting to have limerence for her. IF that happens it will probably be problematic/even more emotionally painful. 

 

Consider, if you have made a firm decision to end things fully, making it impossible or as close to impossible as you can to contact her. Get her completely out of your life. That may help somewhat on the emotional side.

 

If you end up with limerence, suggest you research it as it can "have a life of it's own" mentally so you'll want to at least understand what you're up against.

[2BGoodAgain]

44 minutes ago, aukonak said:

Thank you for the comments.  I'm struggling a lot with how much she got to me and how hard it's been to let her go; I'm being pretty hard on myself as a result...and I guess I'm just wondering if this is indicative that something is wrong, or if I'm just being too hard on myself.  On one hand, she was very convincing even while acting confusing.  She said a lot of things to me that nobody's said in a long time, and I chose to trust her despite the warning signs.  Things also were idyllic for that super-brief period before hell broke loose.  We couldn't keep our hands off of each other - there was palpable sexual tension every time we first got together.  We had a blast on a weekend away together near the end.  She constantly vocalized things she noticed about me and appreciated that made it feel like she got me.  I don't know - all of this just makes it that much more maddening and disappointing and confusing that she cheated, where, by her account, she was right there along with me having a blast those early weeks.

 

I have no problem finding dates, and I never really thought that I had unhealthy tendencies or self-image issues to subject myself to this kind of mistreatment.  It's just rare for me to feel the connection I felt with her, and to have things seemingly be firing on all cylinders as they were.  In her emails after we broke up, she too was lamenting how "this" was how things ended up, after "making such an amazing connection with a stranger so fast".  And this was even with my coming into things being wary of moving too quickly.

 

It's just frustrating.  I'm still often stuck in my head trying to understand whether or not she was completely full of crap with me, and when I'm not thinking about that, I'm getting frustrated wondering why I can't just let her go and move on.  I started going to therapy this past week, so hopefully that will help.

the other person doesn't have to be tricking or lying to you to hurt you. she may genuinely believe what she feels, but what it really is, may not be what she thinks or you think.

sometimes, we become addicted to a way a person makes you feel and not the actual person themselves. 

 

I'm glad you're getting therapy. it'll help you get perspective. and help you separate what you feel, what you think and figure out why this hurt you so much.

 

good luck to you.