I've been Self-Sabotaging. I just realized.

[mayormatt]

As a 39 year old Dad and Husband, I believe that I have been self-sabotaging myself pretty much my whole life. I've been doing it in order

to not have to be held responsible for challenging life responsibilities that have ever seemed "scary" , "hard" or "uncomfortable" to myself.

 

I just came to this realization a few days ago and I feel really, really terrible about it. I feel like I've been out-to-lunch for years and years.

 

I was looking at my life with my Wife and 4yr old son lately and pondering why I don't make as much money as other Dad's at my Son's school

or why we're always having to go without fun entertainment things or why we can't take fun trips like other families do. Life is not about

material things and we certainly don't indulge in frivolous purchases at all but, it would be nice to have nice things and have the ability to

travel or jump on a plane if we needed to but we can't ever really do that.

 

Both my parents are gone but I didn't come from poverty. I didn't come from money, either. I did go to city college and got an associate

degree in business. We live in a good metro city with plenty of opportunities.

 

My Wife works part time for a sewing shop but it's only on the weekends so I can be home with our son. She only took that job after I wasn't

bringing enough income home recently. I myself work an average FT job with average pay as a salary-only sales rep for a tech company. I work a lot

of hours which makes it seem like I'm grinding away for the family all the time because I'm always busy but, there are a lot of times in past years that

I could have taken a chance on much better (higher paying) tech sales jobs in my industry that were available - but I didn't. I chose to stay at this one.

 

Why?

 

Well, now that I'm wise to what's really going on, why would I risk taking another, potentially better paying job with better benefits and leave the comfort of

this low-paying job? I'd have to learn new things. I'd have to prove my worth. I'd be worrying the whole time "what if they let me go because of budgets?

What if it doesn't work out?  I'll wish I hadn't left my last job. Forget it, It's too risky!"

 

As I write this, I'm sickening myself because I sound so lazy and fearful and like a lot of other people you read about. How am I any different than this

guy in our sales office that works part time and still lives with his parents at 35 in an apartment. He refuses to work full time. He likes his lifestyle because

he boasts all the time about he pays very little rent and parties a lot but then also complains about not having money. I look at him and have always

though that I'm glad I'm not like that.

 

But how am I different? I've been comfortable in my lifestyle for years but am on here complaining about how it would be nice to have more in life.

 

Fear of failure? Fear of success? Both? Probably.

 

However

 

It's depressing but I'm awake, now. I realize and see how I've been wrong and how I've kept myself from bigger upside in career and it's all my fault. I

seriously could have tried at some better jobs but I didn't. we've been scraping by lately and I feel at blame. I am way capable of a lot more, I've just been

fearful. One job in particular would have been really good for me a few years ago but I honestly remember brushing off the open interviews for it because

I got a bit intimidated at the last minute. There have many times I could have asked for a raise but I've been scared to. I'm so dumb.

 

Now, I just have to figure out what how I'm going to make it better. Any ideas?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 11, 2019 by mayormatt

[preraph]

I am glad you had the epiphany.  Don't do anything impulsive though.  Do look for better opportunities, but do it while you are still employed.  Much easier to get a new better job while you're still welcome at the old one.  You will tell them they can't contact present employer because he's your present employer but they can check others.  

 

You might even just start being more visible where you work now and let them know you're ready to take on more responsibility in hopes of moving upwards.  But this might clue them in that you're job hunting.  

 

Look, a lot of people don't have vacation money.  There are more important things.  I shudder at some of the waste I see with people with kids who spend perfectly good tuition on big vacations.  And vacations don't need to be expensive to be fun either.  It's about getting your kids out and getting them away from their electronics and doing something they've never done before.  A state park, either camping or getting a cabin (usually state park cabins aren't that expensive and sometimes you can bring the pets).  Get them out in the wild, let them experience that while we still have wild.  Or take them to ride horses at some stables that lets you do that.  Take them fishing or river rafting, or just tubing.  Those are the most fun things I've done, I think.  If you don't have camping equipment, you can start picking it up on neighborhood websites or garage sales real cheap preparing for a time you're ready.  

 

It will all work out!

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

I was in the same position for a long time man, the self sabotage was really bad for me. I grew up in a household with lots of money, all of my extended family and immediate are very very well off. I also have some social anxiety issues myself, which did not help the situation.

 

I was self sabotaging by the age of 14 and by the age of 17, my dad had pulled me a side and basically said that he had noticed the pattern of it happening. Around that time, I got a job in a group home, working with mentally disabled people and that really changed my outlook on a lot of things: helping other people allowed me to begin to develop the tools to help myself. Along the way, I met a woman who owned probably 20 million dollars in property and we just about got married, but I ended up sabotaging that as well. It has been a slow process for me, but around the age of 24 I really began to make better choices... I mean, when I was 20 I was living in my car smoking M, so I had always been on the uphill from that point.

 

I was not able to get through most of my issues without therapy; I did a lot of good work with a lot of individuals who needed my help and it felt great and allowed me to develop some skills to help manage my sabotaging ways, but at the end of the day, without therapy I would of probably been in the same place even today.

 

At this point in my life, I am glad that everything I went through transpired, it has made me a stronger person, but it came at a cost for sure. Was the cost worth it? I don't really care, I am here now, better than I would of been otherwise, so I am at peace with it. Sometimes I still have to catch myself, but making good choices has become a habit.

 

Especially with consideration to your age, I would strongly recommend you reach out for therapy... The real motherf***er about the whole situation, is that often, the whole "I am going to take on even more responsibility than I ever have before!" is just more sabotage. The overloading is a classic sabotage. You need to be comfortable with who you are and pushing the limits of your comfort zone, that takes time, it isn't something that just happens overnight and when it is something that happens over night, most people who sabotage cannot deal.

 

Good luck man.

[jah526]

I think that’s the key... you have to be comfortable with who you are. Some people just aren’t comfortable with high-flier jobs, and that’s ok. If you’re cruising along in the middle you’re less likely to get your head cut off. 
 

And that guy who refuses to work full-time? He may not be as well off financially, but he is time rich, and more often these days I’m seeing the importance of that.

[d0nnivain]

If you have sales skills & the drives you can make a lot of money.  You just may have to take the risk of not having a steady income. 

 

First thing you will need is a budget.  If you do decide to take a commission only job, you will need to know the life cycle of the sale.  In the beginning you may also need to do gig work -- drive for a ride share or get a side hustle to assure that the bills are paid.  Maybe a side hustle to boost up the rainy day / emergency fund before you take the leap.  

[Ellener]

I don't think it matters how much money people make, so much as are you able to budget and decide what to do with it, and live the lifestyle you choose.

 

Everything in life comes at a price I've found! Wealth isn't the answer to fulfillment.

 

'we're always having to go without fun entertainment things or why we can't take fun trips like other families do.'

 

I don't know where you live but here there's loads of parks, libraries, children's activities, concerts etc. There's a website just for the free stuff in town!

Go have fun anyway, it'll give you the energy and confidence to make other life changes you're thinking of?