Another online dating question

[van smack]

Been talking to a girl from Bumble on and off for several months. She's pretty but somewhat overweight. We were going to meet over the summer and she decided not to meet the night before our planned first date. We have texted here and there since then. She's single and never been married. I feel like this is a pen pal and nothing more. 

[chillii]

lf you feel like it is then it probably is , she doesn't sound keen at all to me.

[Magicmontazzle]

Some one told me if you do not make it On line to Off line within 4/7 days they are time wasters. This was a girlfriend who had used OLD for 3/4 years but did in the end meet her husband. She is a wealth of information and gives a 4 weeks : 3 dates whichever is sooner limit for OLD and seeing if compatible. I might add we are professionals in our 30s looking to settle down - so probably not a formula for everyone. Not sure what other people think?

[Inspire]

There seems to be a common thread in all of your posts. You are waiting far too long and investing way too much effort into people who are aren't taking you very seriously. So she is overweight and never been married. Stop making excuses for her.

[d0nnivain]

Months?  That is ridiculous.  2 weeks tops.  Then it's meet or I stop talking to you. She is a time waster.  At this point I would also suspect catfish.  

[PRW]

I used to have a copy of a study that unfortunately isn't available any longer, but it showed by demonstration that:...

 

An attractive woman in a highly populated area can get 100 matches in an hour (not a day, an hour) if she just keeps swiping.  So you might be #26 with 25 guys she just went through in front of you and 75 waiting in line behind you. So if you don't make the date quickly she is just going to move on to the next guy on the list that looks just a tiny bit better than you.  She isn't going to put the phone down and stop using the App just because one guy messaged her.

 

You said you were "going to meet over the Summer".  Well, she might "agree" to it because, well,...why not agree? But in reality it is just not going to cut it.

 

I consider Online Dating to be a cancer on the dating culture and that it shouldn't be taken seriously or used at all,...but if you are going to use it, then you need to understand what you are dealing with.

 

 

On 12/12/2019 at 2:24 AM, Magicmontazzle said:

Some one told me if you do not make it On line to Off line within 4/7 days they are time wasters. This was a girlfriend who had used OLD for 3/4 years but did in the end meet her husband.

I ran across one woman that said she finally (after years on it) met her husband but she estimated that she may have went on 500 dates. Now she may have exaggerated that but for a moment let's say she did do 500.  Now that may be ok if you are the woman and the guy pays, but what if you are the guy?  If the dates averaged $50 and you did 500 dates,...you just spent $25,000.00 dollars on dates.  Run that through your bank account an see how if pans out.

Edited December 13, 2019 by PRW
Always typos

[Super Phantom]

I will say this to all men don't do online dating it's a waste of your time. Do the work and meet women in real life 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

The thing with bumble, is that often dudes on that website kind of... Settle out, for less than they are worth. Like, the expectations on bumble are that you are a dude with washboard abs, the 6 figure income and a homeowner and if you are not that, then the woman feels she is settling... The thing about it, is that often, these dudes, the unicorns, they will give their time to these overweight chicks that possess high expectations, but the only reason why is because the unicorn wants to have an intimate encounter, that is it, but because the woman got some of this guys time, she feels her expectations of a man are justified, when in reality, the expectations are really high and unreasonable.

 

I have found bumble to be an app full of women who need to work on themselves but instead of putting in that work, go onto bumble with these really high expectations and these expectations rarely get checked because it leaves the woman with the power of communication and it undervalues the man's willingess to pursue her.

 

Yeah, bumble is a joke, don't use bumble unless you are using the business/friendship connecting portion of it, I have actually met some really dope people through that portion of bumble... I met the guy who designed all my stream scenes through there and we still chat every now and then.

 

I would recommend you stick with the basics, PoF and Badoo/Blender (Blender is better because it has its own population but also runs off of Badoo's population as well) Anything outside of these two apps has been a giant time sink for me, where as with these two apps, you can browse and chat with people while filtering out undesirables.

 

As for being pen pals with somebody, yeah, as a dude you really need to press the issue of meeting up. Sometimes, I attempt to get the woman's number within the first couple messages and if she is resistant to giving me her number, I am then pressing the meet up really, really hard... Like shut down all communication other than attempting to set up a meet up, because this person is probably just going to waste your time.

 

A woman who gives me her number after the first couple messages, I am more inclined to chat with a bit more and let the meet up lax a bit, while still pressing the issue after chatting.

[PRW]

31 minutes ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

I attempt to get the woman's number within the first couple messages and if she is resistant to giving me her number, I am then pressing the meet up really, really hard.

 

Yea, (on the rare occasion I mess with those apps) I go for the date by maybe the 3rd or 4th message.  I get the number after I get the date.  I want to weed out right away the ones who won't meet or are too afraid to meet.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, ToryKendall said:

Don't look at her body etc. Give a chance to both of you. Invite for a coffee to have a conversation starting point.

SHE declined the meet up, months ago in the summer.

OP
If you want a penpal, then stick around...
Problem is that she may be overweight, she may be single, she may never have been married but she doesn't want you, that is obvious. She had her chance and if she had been interested she would have snapped you up.
Too many men stick around women who are not interested in the hope they can somehow get them by default.
Women are often quite willing to wait around for the "right" guy, so waiting around hoping she changes her mind is a fruitless venture for the "wrong" guy..

[Ellener]

On 12/13/2019 at 12:41 PM, PRW said:

I consider Online Dating to be a cancer on the dating culture and that it shouldn't be taken seriously or used at all,...but if you are going to use it, then you need to understand what you are dealing with.

 

I felt like that PRW, it didn't feel like a healthy thing for me, then neither does a lot of social media type stuff, but I did read a book this year written by a successful doctor who once she had her career lined up spent ten years and literally hundreds of dates ( her sources were groups, friends and online ) to meet 'the one'. She knew as soon as she met him he would be it for her, but it took them a little time to synch up their lives. Her advice was get your own life in order- health, finances, other relationships, etc as much as possible first, so you're kind-of the best self you can be to attract the best person for you and you have the time and space available in your life to get to know someone. 

 

On 12/13/2019 at 1:46 PM, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

Sometimes, I attempt to get the woman's number within the first couple messages and if she is resistant to giving me her number, I am then pressing the meet up really, really hard... Like shut down all communication other than attempting to set up a meet up, because this person is probably just going to waste your time.

 

It's kind-of a filter for me too, if someone wants my number and I'm reluctant to give it to them it tells me either I don't feel comfortable deep-down or I'm not going to be interested.

If we talk soon I can generally tell by the end of the conversation how I feel/he feels.

 

Saying that, it does take me a while to actually attach to someone these days, and the more attracted I am the more I want to slow it down, see if it's the real deal.

I don't see it as a waste of time if it's positive interactions with someone either, I've had lots of penpals over the years who have brought tons to my life.

I'm more clear about what I want these days too, now it doesn't feel like a desperate struggle to cope with things especially relationships. It's easier to 'be in the moment' and just let things unfold naturally.

 

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

2 hours ago, Ellener said:

It's kind-of a filter for me too, if someone wants my number and I'm reluctant to give it to them it tells me either I don't feel comfortable deep-down or I'm not going to be interested.

If we talk soon I can generally tell by the end of the conversation how I feel/he feels.

 

Saying that, it does take me a while to actually attach to someone these days, and the more attracted I am the more I want to slow it down, see if it's the real deal.

I don't see it as a waste of time if it's positive interactions with someone either, I've had lots of penpals over the years who have brought tons to my life.

I'm more clear about what I want these days too, now it doesn't feel like a desperate struggle to cope with things especially relationships. It's easier to 'be in the moment' and just let things unfold naturally.

 

The thing is that if you are a woman and you just allow yourself to go with the flow, you end up losing a significant amount of respect in the man's eyes and value in everyone else's who knows... Like, I don't care how long you've lived or who you are, all men respect women who make them wait, in one way or another... Maybe a woman gaining that respect means the dude just quits talking to them entirely, that is sometimes apart of that respect and it speaks to what the man wants.

 

I feel like if you are a woman, allowing yourself to just fall into your emotions or the current of the interaction and how it is going, it leads to nature and a big part of nature is sex.

 

With these things being said, I often find myself in conflict as a man when a woman is making me wait, because I am not sexually compatible with most women, its just what it is. Sex is a big part of what I talk about in the first meeting, because if were not compatible, lets just not waste each others time. Investing a ton of time into an individual just to find out that were not sexually compatible in the first place is where the majority of my time has went in the dating game. Then, they just want to be friends and its like, you barely have time to see the actual friends you have now, what is even the point? Like what are we doing here?

 

Knowing when to walk away is the strongest tool in the dating game and that knowledge is all about the detail of information you have collected vs. how you verify that information. Like for example, these women that are super serious about dating, but can't afford a $35/month phone plan to text/call people and just use snapchat/messenger. Like how am I supposed to take you seriously when you are an individual in the dating game with your finances out of order, your not looking for a partner, you are looking for a means to an end and a partner is a way to achieve that, but lets be real here and call a spade a spade...

 

Like me, I don't enjoy dating at all, for me, dating is a means to an end. What end? Money. Ok, so based on that, I have criteria and if you don't match up, a guy/gal has to know when to walk away. There is a difference between compromise and just outright settling.

[Ellener]

12 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

Then, they just want to be friends and its like, you barely have time to see the actual friends you have now, what is even the point? Like what are we doing here?

 

well that's the issue in a nutshell, the dilemma, I mean if a man isn't interested in being my friend why would I be bothered about his needs, sexual or otherwise, either? 

 

I didn't understand your 'means to an end' being money, presume that's a typo? 

 

 

 

[PRW]

On 12/25/2019 at 9:11 AM, Ellener said:

 

I felt like that PRW, it didn't feel like a healthy thing for me, then neither does a lot of social media type stuff, but I did read a book this year written by a successful doctor who once she had her career lined up spent ten years and literally hundreds of dates ( her sources were groups, friends and online ) to meet 'the one'. She knew as soon as she met him he would be it for her, but it took them a little time to synch up their lives. Her advice was get your own life in order- health, finances, other relationships, etc as much as possible first, so you're kind-of the best self you can be to attract the best person for you and you have the time and space available in your life to get to know someone.

 

I have always said that getting into a relationship is the result of having your life together,....it is not the duct tape that holds your life together or brings it together.

 

Now I have heard people mention hundreds of dates before.  I remember one woman claiming she must have had 500 dates before she found the guy she married.  Well, that isn't so great if you are the guy.  If a guy goes on 500 dates to get a wife and the average date cost him $50 (I'm a cheap date), then the guy is going to spend $25,000.00 on dates with potentially $34,950.00 on bad ones.

 

There's other things about the whole online thing that is bad, but it is more than I am in the mood to get into right now.

[Calmandfocused]

Oh my goodness, op what a waste of your time. 
 

my advice is simple: keep swiping! Find a date with someone who wants to date. 

[Ellener]

'I remember one woman claiming she must have had 500 dates before she found the guy she married.  Well, that isn't so great if you are the guy.  If a guy goes on 500 dates to get a wife and the average date cost him $50 (I'm a cheap date), then the guy is going to spend $25,000.00 on dates with potentially $34,950.00 on bad ones.'

 

Wow, I'm definitely a believer in cheap dates reading that...I was anyway to be honest as I'm not personally too impressed by trappings of wealth ( and definitely not by people who are ostentatious with it! ) but I also know in most cultures the man still wants to pay for me. It's a hang-over from the past which needs to go away!

 

I don't think I'm going to be dating any more online but I still have the profile ( switched off ) so it's definitely something to change/add. Will filter out people with different values too.

 

[Ellener]

On 12/25/2019 at 12:11 PM, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

 

The thing is that if you are a woman and you just allow yourself to go with the flow, you end up losing a significant amount of respect in the man's eyes and value in everyone else's who knows... Like, I don't care how long you've lived or who you are, all men respect women who make them wait, in one way or another... Maybe a woman gaining that respect means the dude just quits talking to them entirely, that is sometimes apart of that respect and it speaks to what the man wants.

 

I feel like if you are a woman, allowing yourself to just fall into your emotions or the current of the interaction and how it is going, it leads to nature and a big part of nature is sex.

 

With these things being said, I often find myself in conflict as a man when a woman is making me wait, because I am not sexually compatible with most women, its just what it is. Sex is a big part of what I talk about in the first meeting, because if were not compatible, lets just not waste each others time. Investing a ton of time into an individual just to find out that were not sexually compatible in the first place is where the majority of my time has went in the dating game. Then, they just want to be friends and its like, you barely have time to see the actual friends you have now, what is even the point? Like what are we doing here?

 

Knowing when to walk away is the strongest tool in the dating game and that knowledge is all about the detail of information you have collected vs. how you verify that information. Like for example, these women that are super serious about dating, but can't afford a $35/month phone plan to text/call people and just use snapchat/messenger. Like how am I supposed to take you seriously when you are an individual in the dating game with your finances out of order, your not looking for a partner, you are looking for a means to an end and a partner is a way to achieve that, but lets be real here and call a spade a spade...

 

Like me, I don't enjoy dating at all, for me, dating is a means to an end. What end? Money. Ok, so based on that, I have criteria and if you don't match up, a guy/gal has to know when to walk away. There is a difference between compromise and just outright settling.

 

I got a lot from your posting PRW,  I'm always going to go with my ( admittedly unrelenting romantic ) instincts; it's not just men who cling to traditions, I am going to try to adapt them to the modern world though. 

[PRW]

On 12/27/2019 at 8:01 PM, Ellener said:

but I also know in most cultures the man still wants to pay for me.  'It's a hang-over from the past which needs to go away!

It still needs to stay.  There are too many guys that are narcissistic leaches (even if they have their own money).  The guy paying for the dates needs to be viewed as test of his character, leadership and just being generally responsible. It is the same concept with the guy offering/planning the dates. It is a test of his confidence, leadership, social skills, dating skills, etc.  I don't believe women should ask the man out.

Once you are settled into a solid exclusive relationship then it becomes more cooperative and I don't mind these things being more shared,...but not at first.

For myself I also view the date as a gift to the woman.  When she tries to pay or insists on paying it feels like giving someone a birthday gift and they try to pay you back after.  If they insist on paying I will let them to keep the piece but I won't offer them another date.

Edited December 30, 2019 by PRW

[PRW]

On 12/27/2019 at 8:09 PM, Ellener said:

I got a lot from your posting PRW,  I'm always going to go with my ( admittedly unrelenting romantic ) instincts; it's not just men who cling to traditions, I am going to try to adapt them to the modern world though. 

Thanks!  But that particular time it wasn't my post you were quoting or responding too (but no worries)

[Ellener]

Oops! Sorry