Do You Romanticize The Past?

[Logo]

I have a few separate questions and situations I hope to hear about your personal experiences with. 
 

When you are in a relationship, whether it’s new or you’ve been together for a long time, do you have a tendency to romanticize the past and overlook doubts and uncertainty you might have felt at some point and long for what you see as one positive and enjoyable experience? 
 

What about after a breakup, if you were the one who broke up, do you ever look back and think that you didn’t appreciate what you had and start to look at things from an entirely different perspective - all that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone? 

If so, how do you avoid making that mistake, of breaking up and then regretting it? What do you take into account? How do you avoid analysis paralysis?

[basil67]

No, never.  Back when I was dating, I always look at the present.    As for not regretting a breakup, I guess I just trust my instincts.

Edited December 12, 2019 by basil67

[Els]

I think it is to a certain extent normal to wear rose-colored glasses when you look at the past, that's how humans evolved after all. For instance, when you look back on a travel experience, you'll typically think about the good parts - the cool stuff you saw, the people you met, the nice food you ate, basically the best parts of the trip - before you recall the bad (waiting at the airport, long flights in economy, jetlag, falling ill, etc). Relationships are the same way.

 

It only becomes a problem when you are unable to look PAST the rose-colored glasses with some introspection.

[Prudence V]

7 hours ago, Logo said:

When you are in a relationship, whether it’s new or you’ve been together for a long time, do you have a tendency to romanticize the past and overlook doubts and uncertainty you might have felt at some point and long for what you see as one positive and enjoyable experience? 

If I have doubts and uncertainties, I don’t embark on a R. 
 

After a breakup - I look forward, not back. 
 

so, no, to all of the above. 

[Piddy]

 I think it's human to romanticize the past in every aspect of your life.  The older you get the more memories you have and the more nostalgic you get.  You'll tend to look back on bad times as not being that bad.  I had the best times of my life in the 1970's and I'm very nostalgic for that period of my life.  But I'm not lost on living in the present.  We all have regrets and that's part of being human also.  

 

As far as relationships go.  I've only had 5 in my life including my wife.  Four of them were failures, but were amicable on both sides so I don't romanticize those other than the occasional sexual fantasy / memory.  I actually think quite fondly of those relationships even though they failed. 

 

  The other one was a bad break up and do to recent events I have found myself being nostalgic and having regrets about that one.  She wasn't very kind to me during the initial breakup and two years later I wasn't very kind to her when she reached out to me.  Have a lot of regret and would love a do over on how we both handled the ending on that one.   

 

The older you get the more memories you have and I think the more sentimental and nostalgic you get about the past.  After all that's all you really have are memories.  The present is the present and the future is not guaranteed.  So at my age (64) I embrace the memories and don't mind at all the nostalgic feelings of times long gone.

 

However, take it from someone my age.  The older you get the more time flies by, so enjoy the here and now.  The best adage I heard regarding that is, 'life is like a roll of toilet paper. It goes slow at first, but as you get closer to the end, the faster it goes.' 

Edited December 12, 2019 by Piddy

[carhill]

11 hours ago, Logo said:

What about after a breakup, if you were the one who broke up, do you ever look back and think that you didn’t appreciate what you had and start to look at things from an entirely different perspective - all that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone?  If so, how do you avoid making that mistake, of breaking up and then regretting it? What do you take into account? How do you avoid analysis paralysis?

BOTD, BOTD, BOTD, BAAAM! No regrets. Our MC defined it as 'acceptance'. That process, and divorce, taught me to more quickly accept the real, fuggetabout the mind games and rationalizations and move on. Accept that there are some aspects of life that aren't a math problem and don't have a logical or rational explanation or proof. They just are. I think, for some, the overriding desire to be in a relationship or believe that they matter to another human, impacts their perception. I went through that in my 20's most markedly, and the acceptance part started in the 30's though I didn't really know what it was. Now twice that age, no romanticizing, about relationships anyway.

[RecentChange]

Honestly?

 

Nope! Not in the manner you describe.

 

I don't recall having any doubts or uncertainty that my now husband would be the man I would be spending my life. I felt this as soon as I met him. We both fell hard - it was simply a matter of finishing up a few months of college before I could move in with him and embark on our lives together.

 

As for the break ups before I met him - never had any regrets. They were relationships that had run their course and break ups were amicable.

[Artdeco]

No. But I have this less than ideal tendency to ruminate a little bit too much, eg about things that I could have done better/differently, and had I done things differently, where/how/who would I be now etc. etc.   Not very helpful. Rather annoying. But romanticizing - no.

[mark clemson]

Most of my relationships that ended I don't romanticize or "miss" as I recognize the important reasons for the breakup or simply accept it.  There was one specific relationship breakup that hit me quite hard and for some time I would look back on it. I would occasionally have dreams about her too. I got in touch with this woman several years ago and although it was nice, it also helped me realize that we had both changed so much - I was essentially thinking about a person who existed in the past interacting with a past "version" of me. The people we were back then had something special between us at the time, but we'd both changed so much I realized that the "now" me didn't actually have much interest in the "now" her.

 

Generally speaking I do like to think back to different "phases" of my life and reminisce occasionally about accomplishments, trials and tribulations, and good times had. Not too frequently, but sometimes.

[preraph]

Well, I always romanticized the present to the max.  I was very romantic in the classical sense.  Truth is I guess no one can live up to that, or it's not sustainable.  Only one grew old with the romantical veneer still intact, in my mind.  I still look back with wonder at some of the scenarios that were so memorable and exciting.  

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Piddy said:

 I had the best times of my life in the 1970's and I'm very nostalgic for that period of my life.  But I'm not lost on living in the present. 

 

I wonder if those who look back on relationships with rose coloured glasses are also the ones who hold a lot of fond nostalgia for their early life.   

 

I'm 52 and I see a lot of boomers and early Gen X posting nostalgia stuff on FB.  We drank out of hoses and didn't wear seat belts and stayed out till the streetlights went on and nobody died.  You know the type of thing.  I have to hold myself back from pointing out that bad stuff actually did happen back then.  Not saying it was all bad because there were also great things then (as there are now) but it wasn't all rosy and wonderful.  

Edited December 12, 2019 by basil67

[d0nnivain]

Sometimes.  I prefer to remember the good stuff & focus on that rather then relive all the garbage. 

 

Years ago while traveling with my extended family my father was waxing poetic about some past trip in the 1940s.  His brother, my uncle, jumped in lambasting dad for his romanticized version & decrying everything as terrible & oppressive.  My uncle's depressing version was probably closer to reality but my dad's recollection was so much warmer & lovelier; I preferred his. 

Edited December 12, 2019 by d0nnivain

[Piddy]

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 

I wonder if those who look back on relationships with rose coloured glasses are also the ones who hold a lot of fond nostalgia for their early life.   

 

I'm 52 and I see a lot of boomers and early Gen X posting nostalgia stuff on FB.  We drank out of hoses and didn't wear seat belts and stayed out till the streetlights went on and nobody died.  You know the type of thing.  I have to hold myself back from pointing out that bad stuff actually did happen back then.  Not saying it was all bad because there were also great things then (as there are now) but it wasn't all rosy and wonderful.  

 

It wasn't all rosy, but that's that's the fun part of reminiscing.  You look back at certain time fondly.  You do tend to remember the good times, but there were bad times.  The weekend after Thanksgiving in 1976 I was in a bad car accident.  Luckily we were in a Volvo and nobody died.  And we didn't wear seat belts back then.  If we had wore seat belts all four of us would've walked away instead of just me.

 

I texted my cousin on the anniversary of the accident and we reminisced on how lucky we all were to survive.  Still all in all the 1970's was a great decade for me.  A lot of firsts in my life.  And it is fun to reminisce about a time I look back at fondly.

Edited December 12, 2019 by Piddy

[Lotsgoingon]

No, I don't romanticize the start of a relationship. I pretty much accept that my initial fun may or may not be a something long-lasting and enduring. 

 

I focus on working on the relationship in the present--and accepting the reality that intoxication and infatuation at the start aren't necessarily harbingers of wonderful love to come. You really only get to know someone after 6 months or so ... lots of people can't fake things early on, including me. I faked a lot of early times in relationship ... before we reached the point that was past my level of maturity and interest.

 

I think there is one woman I have looked back on and agonized over.  And even with her, I basically acknowledge her great qualities and simply appreciate them--the relationship wasn't ever going to last. I wasn't ready for marriage--she was. The rest ... I'm not putting them down ... half the time at least the problem was me. 

 

But no, I don't look back and think I didn't appreciate what I had because seriously, I made a lot of weird choices ... and the problems that ended things were real, not figments of my imagination. 

 

Now, I do sometimes look back and appreciate certain special moments with previous partners. I had one ex who could listen to me babble incoherently about some element of my job ... and then she'd speak a sentence that perfectly summarized what I was trying to get at. I jumped up and kissed when she did that. Had another ex who, though she had serious emotional problems, would time to time drop these blockbuster insights about people or the world. 

 

My view: stay in the present. Speak up if I'm unhappy. Share real feelings with my partner in the moment. Don't assume that my concern can't be addressed. My focus is there--in the moment-to-moment being real and building a real relationship. Thinking about the past smacks me as escapism. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[basil67]

Exactly Piddy.  So sorry about your mates.   As it so happens, I want my ashes scattered where we went for family holidays when I was a kid/teen.  There are definitely great memories too.  But it's these social media nostalgia posts which paint a glorious but inaccurate picture which make me think that some people really do overly romanticise the past.

[Pleasant-Sage]

"Regret & failure are an inevitable part of life. What's actually important, though, is what you learn from them."

 

For relationships, it's easy to look back have regrets. We tend to forget the bad stuff and remember the good.

 

We also experience change within ourselves. Something that was important to us in the past might have little or no importance to us now.

 

I'm completely different guy now than I was 6 years ago. I've thought a time or two if I was the man I am today, my first marriage might of never failed but there's no way of knowing that.

 

I also would not go back in time if I had the opportunity or trying to restart an old flame.

 

The best you can do is learn from the past and live in the present. 

[The Outlaw]

I do, but it isn't for very long but it's become more often as late. 

[Els]

18 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm 52 and I see a lot of boomers and early Gen X posting nostalgia stuff on FB.  We drank out of hoses and didn't wear seat belts and stayed out till the streetlights went on and nobody died.  You know the type of thing.  I have to hold myself back from pointing out that bad stuff actually did happen back then.  Not saying it was all bad because there were also great things then (as there are now) but it wasn't all rosy and wonderful.  

 

We didn't have the internet until I was 10 or so (it did already exist, but I lived in a country that was poor and slow to catch up). I don't understand the nostalgia people have for the internet-less age, I had already read all 4 kiddy encyclopedia volumes that we could afford and was hungry for more, but there was nothing more that my parents could give me. Back in the "good ol' days", knowledge was a luxury reserved for the rich. If Wikipedia had been around and the internet as accessible as it now is, I could have learned so, so much more, rather than re-reading a crap encyclopedia that was written in the 70s and looking at a terrible globe that still called Sri Lanka "Ceylon".