Why do I get obsessed in relationships

[r321148]

Hi all,

 

Heads up; this is long:

 

So my (now ex) girlfriend broke up with me and moved out at the weekend. She said she didn't feel like herself anymore and the love had gone. Whilst in my mind, I didn't think there was anything in there that couldn't be worked on....or was already being worked on....I respect and accept her decision. Mostly because I have no choice, but if she is unhappy, not herself, then I don't want the relationship either. I love her and want her to be happy.

 

So this thread isn't about getting her back.

 

My problem is that I just seem to become obsessed when I'm in relationships. When I'm on my own, I'm absolutely fine. I go climbing regularly, have a healthy social life with plenty of friends, play sports, swim, read books, travel solo, climb mountains, go for walks, practice mindfulness, dedicate myself to my work etc. But when I'm in a relationship, that all seems to disappear. I seem to have this completely unrealistic and strange notion that if I don't give up everything and devote myself completely to my partner, then it won't work. 

 

Going back to this breakup; it all started well. It was long distance and we had our own lives, our own careers etc. and we both accepted each other. I did my own things (went travelling, climbed once per week, got promotions at work, worked out each day etc.) and she did hers (reading, art classes, swimming, work etc.) but still made time for each other. We ended up seeing each other roughly every second weekend, with a few extras in there as and when. As time went on and feelings grew, and we discussed moving in together. After about a year, we made a plan for how this was going to happen.

 

This is when things should have started going better, but it was the start of a downward spiral. In my head it was absolute: in 6 months we move in together, live together for 6 months, propose, 3 months to buy our own place, 3 months to get married, 6-12 months have kids.  The plans we made went off track a little (nobody's fault, just life) and timescales got stretched from being 6 months til we moved in to 12 months. This should have been ok and accepted as a normal part of life, but what seemed to happen was that I went from love to obsession. I hated the continuing long distance relationship as it wasn't "the plan", and so instead of the healthy intertwining of lives; I'd start to get angry if she cancelled a weekend, I'd obsessively check to see if she had read my messages and then worry when she didn't reply and I'd get irritated with her for being late. I was distracted at work, because I was thinking about her too much and ended up making errors. I stopped doing all of my own activities that I needed to do for myself in order to try to get "the plan" back on track so we could move sooner and this started a downward spiral.

 

It was like I was questioning whether she really cared, waiting for that reassurance and hitting out when I didn't get it. I had stopped doing everything that gave me pleasure "for her", so why couldn't she do the same for me? I put all my time and resources into her so why couldn't she do the same? Why did she still have time to go to the spa, spend all day in the hairdressers or watch trash TV, when I was dedicating every minute of my life to getting us moved in together. Even writing that down, it's so unhealthy. She never asked me to give up everything, and expecting her to do the same is not reasonable in any way. 

 

So time went on and there were some really great times interspersed with some huge arguments. All of these arguments were caused by some really deep set insecurity and self-esteem issues. I ruined some important events by being negative and controlling.

 

Some examples;

• I couldn't fit into my suit (because of the lack of exercise etc.) so i got into a fit of depression and put a real downer on an event she had spent a lot of money on. I felt like it was her fault I'd put on weight, although didn't vocalise that and obviously it wasn't.
• She was 2 hours late to my brother's birthday and I ignored her for the whole afternoon. I felt let down and wanted to punish her.
• I got annoyed with her for buying an outfit for a costume party....but the actual reason was I wanted us to sit together and plan out what we were both going to do. 
• I kicked off and started an argument at a family member's wedding because she left me on the dancefloor in a place where I didn't know anyone. I felt abandoned.

After the last of these we had a long talk and I finally started to get some therapy. I started to expose some really deep set issues of insecurity and low self-esteem going back a long way (past relationships and childhood). I started CBT exercises with my therapist, which helped massively. I finally felt a bit of freedom and breathing space and things started improving gradually. 

 

So she did finally move in and things were good. I felt a little better each week of therapy, but still improvements to be made. Our first couple of weeks living together were amazing. We then had a huge blow up over her dying her hair purple (see my other thread if interested, but the detail is not really relevant). Again I felt let down at the lack of regard for my thoughts and feelings (we had discussed previously and she knew I wasn't keen on wild colours), but instead of expressing that in a healthy way, it came out in awful ways like telling her she looked unattractive. This (obviously) caused tension. The way she looked was irrelevant; it wasn't to my taste and I can't help that, but the way I handled it was dreadful. 

 

We kind of moved on from it and things seemed better; I kept up with the therapy and we started to communicate a bit more openly....but I still hadn't started doing the things for myself. I still wasn't going climbing, playing sports, having a social life etc; I was still distracted at work and felt like my career had stalled. She had moved to a new city for me and didn't know anyone. Her work messed up her transfer, so she ended up working from home, and therefore ended up at home ALL the time. I then felt obliged to stay home with her when I got back in the evenings. Obviously that whole situation was never going to work. 

 

We had a silly argument on my birthday over nothing and the week after she was distant. At the end of that week her car got broken into and she was really upset. Although, we then had a really nice weekend where we had a lot of fun. The next week, she went away for work and said she hoped the space would do her good. I agreed, so left her alone. The week she was away was amazing. I felt free; I went climbing, I went running, I went to a networking event with work, I watched sports with my friends, I had a day out with an old friend I hadn't seen in ages and caught up with a friend who lives overseas. I felt like a weight was lifted, felt so much more relaxed and realised how much I had neglected myself and projected my negativity onto her. I made vows to improve and came up with a game plan for how I could be more supportive and give her space to build a new life in a new city, whilst I do the things that keep me happy.

 

Unfortunately she came back from the work trip and told me it was all over. She said she didn't feel like she could be herself around me and she didn't trust me not to react to her being her. She said she hadn't been truly happy for some time. She said she cared for me deeply, but didn't love me anymore. She said she could see how much I'd improved since I started therapy, but the damage was already done and she was still treading on eggshells and neglecting herself trying not to upset me. She stayed in a hotel that night and moved back to her own place the next day. Obviously I am really devastated right now. I feel like I had a breakthrough last week and had seen solutions for almost all of the things she brought up as being broken. Having said that, I completely understand where she is coming from; I was controlling, manipulative and resentful. Building up that trust again probably wouldn't happen, despite the good times we had and the love we once had for each other.    

 

Thinking back, this is not the first time this happened in my life, although I didn't recognise it at the time. I have done the same before; neglected myself and become obsessed with my partner....needless to say that didn't work out either.

 

So I guess I come to the crux of it all. Why can I be so fiercely independent, open, relaxed, driven and active whilst I'm single, but as soon as a relationship gets serious, I become obsessed? Why do I feel that need to give up everything and "dedicate" myself to my partner? Obviously all that just leads to an expectation that she will do the same for me, which then leads to me developing controlling behaviours and manipulation. It leads to doubt about her commitment when I don't get complete dedication back. There were times when I'd exaggerate an illness or injury to see if she cared about me, I'd switch off my phone for a few days to see if she worried about me, I danced with another girl in front of her to see if she got jealous (she did.... and also angry!), I criticised her hair, her job, her music and her taste in TV shows. Writing this down is hard, because it really does hammer things home about how bad a boyfriend I was and it is a side of myself I don't like at all.

 

Just to clarify, this is not a "how do I get her back" thread. I am realistic and know that the damage is done. I do regret that I didn't go to therapy sooner to look at the insecurity and self-esteem issues. I regret that my breakthroughs came too late for this relationship as I do genuinely love her. I do want to be able to have happy and healthy relationships in the future (I'm 35, so not getting any younger!). 

 

Does this mean I can't have relationships? How do I avoid slipping into the same patterns?

 

TL;DR - I feel like I'm completely independent and driven whilst single, but fall into unhealthy dependency when in relationships. This manifested as controlling and manipulative behaviour and destroyed a loving relationship. 

[snowboy91]

Your post sounds very similar to a situation I keep finding myself in while in relationships. I do get quite obsessive, but I never expect it in return since I'm happier behaving more independently, and I'm happy to see my partner do the same. Twisted logic, I know.

Essentially it's a question of boundaries and trust. You have your things that you enjoy doing single - and they are fulfilling to you. That shouldn't change when you're in a relationship, so you should always make time to do all of those things for yourself, and perhaps choose a partner that enjoys doing some (though not all - a little space is healthy!) of the things you enjoy.

As for trust - you should expect her to do things that are fulfilling to her. At the end of the day, if she is clearly making an effort in the relationship and is obviously enjoying the time you spend together, then you have full reason to trust her. Your partner is subject to the same emotions of connection that you are - they aren't some unbridled beast that you have to keep in check by obsessively pouring in all your effort. Things have a habit of working out for the "best" in the long run for yourself - even if you have to go through a few awful breakups first. If you've got a strong grounding in yourself, then you're buffered against the hurt of a breakup, and it's a more attractive trait that keeps your partner around anyway.

Anyway that's a start - I would strongly suggest continuing therapy and say exactly what you said in this post. They will guide you further.

Edited December 12, 2019 by snowboy91

[r321148]

Yes I am continuing with the therapy. It is helping and my only real regret is that it came too late to save this relationship. I really thought it could last. The first 18 months and even after that, between the arguments, I felt such love for her. I just struggled to shake off my own demons.

 

I can look back and see why she ended it and why she doesn't trust me. I can see why she felt like she was constantly on edge, trying not to trigger a reaction. At the time I didn't quite get it because things were improving and I was working hard with the therapy. Problem is I understand that once the trust is gone, then the relationship is gone.

 

It's odd what you say about not expecting anything back; because I never knew I did. It's only reflecting and looking back now that I can see that I lashed out because she didn't do the same and I took that as a sign she didn't really care about me (even though that is completely unreasonable). I do nice things for people all the time and I never expect anything back; I wonder if that is part of it. I do try to please everyone, even to my own detriment. I don't lash out at other people so I lash out at the person closest to me.

 

It is a strange situation, because once she moved in, I kept trying to encourage her to go out, meet people, join groups, go for coffee, exercise etc. and I genuinely wanted her to do that. But even then, it came out as annoyance; "why are you sat watching trash TV; go out and join a club". That is not my decision; even if it would have been good for her.

 

Deep down I know all that. She didn't ask me to give anything up for he and probably didn't want me to. I just obsessed about making everything perfect for her.  I planned every weekend meticulously when we were in a LDR; got food in advance, booked tickets for things etc and that's when I'd get angry and start the guilt trips when she cancelled or was late. Once she moved; I made her dinner everyday, I took her tea in bed every morning, I got her flowers and made sure everything looked nice. I spent all my time at work obsessing, googling and researching about what I could do to make her happy, to the detriment of my own career. I gave up all my hobbies so that I could spend time with her or prepping things for her. I always want to be nice, but I don't know why I did any of that. She never asked for it and she never expected it.

 

That's where it all falls down. I thought I was doing all of that to be nice, but actually I was so unsure in myself that I felt I had to compensate and went to the extreme. That puts huge pressure on me for no reason. All of that then strained the relationship as I then read into things. Why does she never do any of this for me? (Answer: because I did it all before she had a chance). 

 

I then took it to be that she didn't care so then the bad behaviours come out. When I was sick, I was always more sick and for longer than I actually was; because she cared and she looked after me. I'd switch my phone off for a while to see if she'd worry when I didn't read her messages. I don't know why, but it was almost a test. "If she doesn't message multiple times then she obviously doesn't care" If she didn't do that then I'd get annoyed because that's how I'd interpret it. When we were looking to move it was almost like I expected her to put every spare moment into it to prove how much she wanted it. So when she did some leisure activities it was almost like; why do you get to have leisure time when I don't, do you not care? 

 

So writing that down, I think this again all comes back to self-esteem. I don't value myself enough to trust that my partner will love me without the grand gestures. I interpret small meaningless things to 'prove' they don't care about me. "I do this for you because I love you. You don't do it for me and therefore you don't love me". Toxic. 

 

I don't want to be like this. I want my next relationship to be love, not obsession. I don't want to be manipulative, controlling or mean. I want to be able to have a healthy balance of time with my partner and time doing the things I love.

 

I do have nagging doubts in the back of my mind all the time though. I'm 35 and I want to have kids some point soon. I do feel like time is short and that things have to move rapidly in relationships. I need to be able to go with the flow a lot more. This recent one, she kept saying she wanted kids too and all of her family have gone through the menopause early. That put a load more pressure on.

[2BGoodAgain]

you know, I honestly believe you want a healthy relationship & to be a great partner in a loving relationship.

Having said that, you definitely have some control issues. 

Control issues = not trusting people

Not trusting people = fear of trusting yourself with others.

 

You can't control people. Even the best manipulated persons finds ways to rebel, etc.

 

I'm not saying you WANT to, but something within you definitely is doing it b/c somewhere deep down you're afraid to trust your heart to others. 

 

it's good you're self aware enough to see you needed a therapist. Keep doing it, it'll definitely help and hopefully the next relationship, you can learn to let go and not force it so much. b/c whether you force someone to be with you or force someone not to, it's still the same thing... control.

 

it's tricky. But I believe you can do it. Give it your all.... and then, learn to relax a little. hehe.

 

you'll get there. it'll take time, patience, will power, effort from you... b/c once you get a handle on your issues, I believe you'll shine and you won't have to try so hard to bring in someone worthwhile.

Edited December 13, 2019 by 2BGoodAgain
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[RatherNotSay]

Bro, you said you do mindfulness ? All you gotta do is become what you practice (this will happen sooner or later whether you realize it or not). Just be aware of what you are doing, of everything you are doing, without any judgements or conclusions. Once you are aware, you’ll start to notice and understand yourself much better.

 

after i was broken into pieces, took a long time to become aware, and finally connect to myself and not care about what others think of me or how people might judge me. We give others too much power over us, we seek their approval. Why? Why do we do that? Specially, when the only approval that we should seek is ourselves.

 

Plus, you don’t need bad energy man, even if the the partner is “perfect”, if you find yourself in that behavior or a sudden of negative energy around you, do something, or at least be self aware. 
 

I was more or less the same in my precious relationships, and still sometimes find myself doing the same. I would talk about it for days, but it’s all up to you and whether you accept yourself as who you are, independent, not judgmental, spreading good energy, self aware and just simply avoiding the negative energy all the while being aware of it not pushing it down.

Only you can do it.

[r321148]

Thanks both. I know this is all on me and only my hard work can get me to a better place. 

 

Yes trust is a big one. We explored that early on in therapy. My first long term girlfriend cheated on me 3 times. She wouldn't be seen in public with me. I had to pretend we weren't together when we went out. I had to accept her dancing with other guys and pretending she was single "because it's just dancing and she would always go home with me". My way of dealing with that was to pretend I was ok with it and do the same (dancing with girls, not guys though!). Although she then got angry with me and told me I didn't love her when I did it. That was a toxic relationship that I put up with for 3 years until the 3rd time she cheated on me. I never really dealt with it or processed. I hadn't even really thought about it again until I started therapy.

There are also a couple of childhood issues at play; again both recently discovered. 

 

The mindfulness is also something that I am annoyed with myself over. I used to practice daily and felt good (originally started after another breakdown about 5 years ago). I was in good habits and then it all slipped when things got intense with the last girlfriend. It was one of the many things I let slip away just when I probably needed it the most. Thing was I was feeling good with her, good with myself and felt like I didn't need it or have time for it. Obviously things then took the downward spiral and I never got back into it.

[Lotsgoingon]

You have identified your problem quite well and quite honestly. That's 75 percent of the journey ... but ... the final 25 percent will require work. 

 

To cut to the quick, what you want to do is get to therapy the next time you begin a relationship.  Without a doubt, the most helpful therapy for how I am in relationships occurred when I was seeing a therapist when I was in the relationship. DO NOT assume that therapy outside of dating, therapy that looks back at your behavior and analyzes it and all of that, will do the trick. Your challenge is to build new behaviors in real time, and something is going on with you so that you give up your power ... and get taken by fear ... (I would call your obsession in relationships a kind of fear). 

 

You actually want practice of feeling the fear and behaving differently in real time! Therapy is perfect for that project. BTW: you'll still find yourself struggling. Change is not easy. 

 

A few more narrowly focused points. What's up with this plan-schedule obsession you got going on? Destroy that software ... Run anti-malware and antivirus programs to root it out, quarantine it and kill it. 

 

The truth is we have to react in relationships to what is going on in the moment. Some relationships might be healthy enough to move along fast ... others have to go slow ... others fast and then slow ... and slow and then fast ... The worry about the pace and time is unimportant and a distraction.

 

What's important is to attend to your feelings as your feelings arise. And to realize you build the relationship day to day ... There will be unforeseen a issues that come up. There will be curve balls that send you diving to the ground. That's fine. When you get a curve ball, the goal is to say to your partner, "hey, that's a curve ball and that scared me. I didn't like that. What's going on?" You have to confront each problem, disagreement, disconnect as they occur. Resolving these conflicts and disagreements ... or disconnects ... takes as long as it takes. 

 

Sounds to me like whenever these disconnects arise, you think of them as disruptions to the schedule, as going off the plan. Dude, there is no plan! Get the movie scenarios out of your head. A serious relationship these days requires a lot of flexibility, meaning you don't know what the schedule should be.

 

This is nutsy: in 6 months we move in together, live together for 6 months, propose, 3 months to buy our own place, 3 months to get married, 6-12 months have kids.

 

I'll give my edit to your plan here. in 6 months I'll see how I feel and how we're doing and maybe begin to think about we move in together ... and I stop! Why?

 

Because you (and you in particular!) don't want to jump ahead. You want to see how things are in 6 months. Period. For a person like you (and I am like you in lots of ways), figuring out where you are is a full-time job. That is the goal! That's the only goal! Once you're at that new place, then you can start to live and see what feels right. Might be two years before you want to buy a place. Might be another year before you get married. You cannot jump ahead in relationship. You have to go from phase to phase ... Failing to fully attend to each phase blocks any success at the next phase. 

 

BTW: it's possible that you're dating people who really aren't that into you ... Your unconscious picks up how unstable your partner's affection is ... and thus you feel fear ... and feeling fear, you don't feel like when you see her that you can keep all your activities, activities that strengthen you ... and actually make people more attracted to you! You go into panic mode of pleasing her and attending to her. That doesn't work, as you know by now. 

 

I'm betting you don't  know how to constructively but clearly ask for what you want in the relationship. So you're not feelings things are great ... OK, now have the conversation about that ... multiple conversations about what could make you feel more secure. And then you have to live and experience (and check in with yourself) to see if you really feel more secure. 

 

The purple hair. Wow, that's interesting ... I probably wouldn't be thrilled if my partner suddenly died her hair purple. On the other hand, that's really NONE OF MY BUSINESS. I can weigh in perhaps and say I really like your hair when you do x and y. But ... once she chooses to go purple, your business is simple: figure out can you live with this or not! If the purple hair really really annoys you (and the strengths of her and the relationship don't offset your annoyance), then you tell her and you consider stopping the relationship. 

 

But arguing with her about her hair .. .is sorta like her criticizing you harshly, meanly ... for your handwriting style ... or telling you that your entire job and job goal sucks. 

 

So the purple hair reaction suggests another issue. The schedule and all your focus on the future ... distracts you from paying attention to what is going on in the moment ... distracts you from even learning about who she is. No way did that purple hair come out of the blue with no hint that that was a possibility. No effing way. Somewhere along the line she told you she liked  women with green hair or purple hair ... or that she thought it would be cool to die her hair some bright color ... and you ... with your mind on the schedule ... as if you and she were an assembly line ... you simply missed her affection for purple hair.

 

The truth is ... a good relationship these days requires that we relax and show up ... see what happens ... do our best ... then evaluate ... decide to go forward or not ... check in ... see what happens ... do our best to repair any problems or address problems  ... and then evaluate again and on and on. That's it. That's the only prediction we can make. There is no schedule. A mentor told me once that people can hide their true selves for six months ... Well, some people can hide their true selves longer ... for a year ... The only protection we have is to pay attention to the moment and not put a foolish, fantasy schedule ahead of what we're discovering day to day.

 

When you next start dating, get to therapy again. Clearly you experience major anxiety when you date (you just probably don't label the feeling that way ... you might be so used to the anxiety that you don't even notice it). Get coaching and feedback in real time.

 

In the meantime, work on the fantasy issues you have ... about relationships and a schedule. Work on paying attention to your feelings ... And no, it's not her job to make herself miserable because you are miserable. It's YOUR JOB to attend to what is making you miserable and see if that can be resolved ... and that takes practice and skill. And if you can't feel secure dating someone, often that means you're dating the wrong person. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[r321148]

Thanks for the detailed reply.

 

Yes I am definitely aware of the crazy timescales. I think that's self generated pressure. There were a couple of things at play: Neither of us were getting younger and we both wanted kids, plus females in her family have historically gone through the menopause early (late 30s, early 40s). I got fixated and that put too much pressure on the relationship. In my mind we needed to be looking to have kids in the next year or so and I know I want to be settled, stable and preferably married before that. I also never told her any of that, so she had no idea what timescales were in my head. I just got snappy with her when things got in the way of "the plan". I agree it is unhealthy and I got more fixated on that than the relationship itself. 

 

Nope, I am really bad at communicating what I want in a relationship and in life generally.

The purple hair was probably case in point. She got some pink streaks previously that I didn't like  too much. I didn't really know how to communicate that so it kind of just exploded out in a bad moment. She then got the purple hair. In my mind it was a slap in the face. She did it because she didn't respect my opinion or preference and didn't care about my thoughts or feelings. Actually she did it because she wanted to and it made her happy. It really shouldn't have been such an issue. My preference would be that she didn't have purple hair, but it didn't stop me loving her. The issue was always my insecurity. In my head it followed that she would only do that because she didn't care about me. 

 

I am keeping up with the therapy, but that's for me. I need to work on my own insecurities and my own obsessive behaviour. Yes you're right it is anxiety. I have suffered from it for a long time, but I didn't register that it was affecting the relationship until it was too late. 

 

Of course you're right and it is not her job to make herself miserable. I never wanted that and it made me sad when she said she didn't feel she could be herself around me. I loved the person she was. The chatty, bubbly, happy person she started off as. I never wanted her to change; not really, but I completely understand why she felt like she had to.  

[Redhead14]

Identifying that the fact that you essentially smother your relationships is a good thing but not the real issue.  You need to figure out why you grab onto the relationships with such fervor and determination.  In your therapy, if you have not already gone down the road of your childhood history and relationships, you need to be completely and totally willing to talk in detail about all of it, no matter how small you may make it in your mind.  A history of abandonment, significant loss(es), emotionally absent parents or person(s) that you looked up to can sometimes explain this behavior later in life. 

 

Identifying a problem is different than identifying the cause for that problem.  Stick with therapy.

[Ellener]

I just recovered from a severe anxiety disorder which came after the big Harvey flood, where I ultimately had to sell up my damaged home and also cope with a foot injury which instead of being a recovery has become a permanent disabilty. Just prior to this my son had some serious problems and we had just got him through that. So a lot of stress and trauma piled up. The anxiety manifested as panic attacks for some time, then I was super controlling of my environment for a while, excessive cleaning and organising, and needed to be alone a lot and avoid people and situations where I couldn't just leave or where they didn't understand 'I don't feel safe, yes I know that doesn't make sense but it's how it is'. 

 

It took about two years and I've had to be super-healthy physically and mentally, as someone said lot of mindfulness. Gave up alcohol and I don't eat processed/fast foods anyway but find I can't eat them or drink now, makes me feel ill. I decided not to treat the anxiety with anything but beta blockers for the physical symptoms and no antidepressants or tranquilisers ( I've had to take xanax for a couple of stressful one-off events )

 

I'm still working my way towards a relationship, because I didn't want to take any of this with me until I had it managed. My marriage had some serious abuse issues and I had therapy years ago and dealt with all that. But new traumas can reawaken old feelings and insecurities.

 

'The truth is ... a good relationship these days requires that we relax and show up ... see what happens ... do our best ... then evaluate ... decide to go forward or not ... check in ... see what happens ... do our best to repair any problems or address problems  ... and then evaluate again and on and on. '

 

It's true Lotsgoingon, and any attempt to control things is going to undermine the relationship even if it seems like setting it in stone and completing it at first.

 

As for children, I had a son with my husband which he seemed so happy with for a while I thought we would make it from that point. Not so, he just made two of us crazy for a while and I ended up raising him on my own. If I'd known that I would have opted to have a child alone from the start! Years later he still has no contact with his only child, and I can't think now what I ever saw in him or why I was so hell-bent on being in that marriage 😥 

 

Good luck.

 

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Good luck ... Sounds like you are on a healing path ... and it takes time to really be assertive and present in relationship ... that does not come easy for most of us ... 

 

So keep going, keep healing. You're going to stumble and trip--that's fine ... keep going. 

[r321148]

Thanks for the replies and support. 

 

We have explored a couple things in therapy from childhood. But really I did have a good and happy childhood and my parents were good to me. I went to a good school, got good grades, degree etc. My parents supported me through everything. Even though we didn't hav a ton of money they always made sure I was looked after. 

 

They've never been particularly expressive about feelings. e.g. I don't think we've ever said I love you. I just know they do so I don't think that's necessarily the problem. 

 

Things we did identify:

Couple of things at school. Being put down and belittled in front of a class of people once when I was 6 and once at 11.

 

My brother growing up often belittled me and made me feel like it wasn't OK for me to speak. He called me fat for years even though I was never fat. He'd put me down and make me feel small everytime I said anything wrong. 

 

My first long term relationship: she wanted to feel single. So when we went out I wasn't allowed to touch her, dance with her or even speak to her. She would dance with other guys "because it's just dancing". I let that go on for 2 years basically because she was hot and I felt like I was punching way above my weight (insecurity). I dealt with it by doing the same to her. I'd dance with other girls even though I really didn't want to. I just pretended I was OK with it to avoid losing her. Most of the time I was basically begging for her attention. Eventually she cheated on me. I took her back. She cheated on me again. I took her back. She cheated on me again. We broke up. I begged her to come back, she said no. 

 

 

I'm not sure why but since my previous relationship broke down about 6 years ago, I've felt such huge time pressure. I think it's a symptom of getting older. I don't have a ticking biological clock but I want to be able to run, laugh and play with my kids like my dad did with me. 

 

 

So another note on the most recent relationship. I rang her 2 days before Christmas to give her a sincere apology. I acknowledged the mistakes I set out in my first post. She seemed pleased I had recognised it and wished me well in continuing therapy. She was happy if started doing things that make me happy again as I'd really neglected myself the last 6-8 months. She is having therapy too about her own insecurity issues and I hope it helps her. That made things make a little more sense. I think her insecurity set off mine, which made hers worse, which in turn made mine worse. We then ended up in a huge negative spiral that neither of us could break. Its such a shame because it was a beautiful relationship at the start 😔

[r321148]

1 hour ago, r321148 said:

 

Just clarifying previous. There were 2 more long term relationships between my first serious girlfriend and the most recent. One of 6 years and one of 3 years. I was then single for 4 years before I met my most recent ex. 

 

The one of 6 years moved out to go back to university. She didn't really tell me what she was planning before she moved. We never recovered from it becoming long distance. We never spoke again. 

 

The one of 3 years had been a friend for years before we got together. We dated but looking back on it, it was really just sex and friendship. She finished it to pursue a more serious relationship with someone else, which I can't blame her for. We message sporadically on birthdays and Xmas but no real contact. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Your's brother's behavior seems like a clear area that your parents didn't intervene in and stop.

 

And you didn't feel comfortable enough to come to them and insist that your brother stop ... and you didn't have the confidence to pick up ... a chair and throw it at your problem. Don't mean to condone violence. Rather, some people early on just establish that they will not take any @### from a harassing brother. 

 

Sounds like you lost your voice at a young age ... not uncommon ... Also,  there's a good chance you didn't see your parents really hammer out/negotiate their differences openly in a way that would have been a model for you.  Not to blame them. But ... just staying clearly you grew up with some dynamics that are affecting you now.  Unfortunately we all do. But for some us, we really have to work hard to embrace new behavior. 

 

 

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear what happened.  It is good that you acknowledge your part in the relationship and you genuinely seem to care about her.  You have obviously got a lot to offer a partner if you can get over this problem.

The really striking thing about your description of what happens is how much things changed as soon as real commitment reared its head.  I am wondering if moving in together is a signal (trigger) for commitment to you?  If it is, why would things change so much then one wonders?

This may sound weird but it reminds me of a programme I once saw about training dogs.  Yes I know that sounds bizarre!  A family had a pet dog which become pretty hysterical when they left the house to go out.  It barked, messed up the house, kept trying to escape.  Not surprisingly, the family were desperate to retrain the dog not to behave like this.  It turned out (according to the visiting trainer) that the dog saw the family as being its puppies and felt responsible for them when they left the house.  This was the reason the dog panicked and went mad when they did so. It could not settle down due to this feeling of responsibility for the absent family.  I can sort of understand that panicky feeling and I really felt for the dog.  I forget how they managed to retrain the dog but it was much more settled at the end of the training because it was reassured the family were ok.

That aside, I am wondering if something similar is happening to you on an instinctive level - that you feel responsible for your partner as soon as real commitment enters the relationship?  This might explain your need for control of the situation and the temptation to do anything to maintain that control.  It does not justify it of course but maybe there is something similar going on here?  We are, after all, creatures of instinct, just like others.

I hope your therapy is helping.  I am not sure how you deal with such strong feelings that threaten to destroy a relationship but if there was a way of understanding where they come from, I am sure it can only help

It's great that you are working on this and alert to the possibility that it might happen again in similar circumstances.  I am sure that will give you the best possible chance of avoiding it again in future.