ZA Dater Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 I met a yoga instructor earlier in the year, she lives a 1000 mile away but I spent a fair amount of time with her and I must admit it was some of the best times I have had. The proviso with her is she is a "user" a user in the sense she pays for nothing, offers to pay for nothing BUT she very nice to spend time with BUT she was being nice to me to an extent to get me to do what she wanted me to do BUT I actually didn't mind because unlike most people I felt something when I was around her, maybe she just made me happier. So the question is do I ask her if she wants to come for a holiday based on the fact I am friend zoned and she will essentially be "using" me in the sense she would get free accommodation. I would be lying if I said I didn't like her but I am not her type at all based on the type of guy she was pursuing earlier in the year. Or do I simply just put on my shoes, go out and hopefully find someone great to spend some of my vacation time with? Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 How did you meet this yoga instructor? How much time did you two spend together? Did you date and get intimate or just go out on platonic dates. Why would you want to invest time in this woman if you think she's a "user" who "friend zoned" you? If she never pays for anything, she wouldn't pay to come see you on holiday. Right? She'd expect you to pay for her airfare and hotel expenses. Again, why would you waste your money to pursue someone who you haven't written about in a positive light. Link to post Share on other sites
Envy123 Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 Yeah, don't settle. The "not caring" attitude also includes you vetting potential partners and choosing not to go further with them, if you feel uncomfortable, used or so on. Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 hm, so..... 1) even if you're not the type, you can get some... and it doesn't seem like you mind, short term. so in other words, sex isn't out of the question, just anything long term is. if you like being a doormat, I guess. 2) you save yourself and especially your heart to someone worthwhile, not a user of people.... b/c that's all she's doing, using you, even if you like it. and you'll get your heart torn to pieces. just b/c you know what's happening, doesn't mean your heart will go along with your logic and be okay when you're tossed aside. save your heart for someone worthwhile and a deeper love than this fantasy you got going on in your head. you're liking how she makes you feel, not the person tahat she is... which means there's something in you that you need to get looked at... 3) if you like being a doormat, go ahead, but remember all doormats once used, get thrown away eventually... no one saves a doormat.. you toss it and get another one...dime a dozen. you're an adult, so the choice is always yours... the only power we humans truly have. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 Has she ever contacted you since you last saw her? Did she catch that guy she was chasing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted December 13, 2019 Author Share Posted December 13, 2019 13 hours ago, elaine567 said: Has she ever contacted you since you last saw her? Did she catch that guy she was chasing? We have chatted on and off a bit. No, he wasn't interested in her apparently. Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 there may be some value in it, if you enjoy the company that is something worthwhile. I had a Hungarian friend who similarly was never going to have any long term interest in me, and likewise was perfectly happy to let me pay for any of our dates. however I did connect well with her and this was useful in terms of building confidence with a view to meeting other potentially more relationship material women, .Id say its useful as a short term option but long term you need something better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted December 13, 2019 Author Share Posted December 13, 2019 7 hours ago, Foxhall said: .Id say its useful as a short term option but long term you need something better. I have realised I am probably not relationship material so I need to look for something that would actually work. I am mulling over this idea because the con would be I would have her around 24/7 and to be frank I like some alone time but the reverse I suppose is I have never done any sort of relationship stuff so in some respects this would be a non sex related relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Inspire Posted December 16, 2019 Share Posted December 16, 2019 You're are by definition the "nice guy," not the "good guy" ... Once you learn the difference between the two maybe then you will attract a girl that sees value in you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted December 17, 2019 Author Share Posted December 17, 2019 On 12/16/2019 at 8:02 AM, Inspire said: You're are by definition the "nice guy," not the "good guy" ... Once you learn the difference between the two maybe then you will attract a girl that sees value in you. I doubt I will ever figure out the difference. Frankly its largely irrelevant because my approach is to savour each day for what it is: an opportunity. I refuse to link my own happiness to my ability to find a date. Nor do I choose to value myself according to my ability to find a girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted December 17, 2019 Share Posted December 17, 2019 (edited) Yep , there is no difference za, that hasn't even been the problem fro you , for whatever reason when you have met someone you'd like , for whatever reason it just hasn't been mutual , simple as that. The whole idea of all that other stuff is just internet bs anyway. Every type of guy and personality out there have gfs or wifes and every type of woman and personality out there have bf's of husbands, some just do some just don't . Mind you though , allowing ourselves, male or female, to be a doormat for someone of the opposite sex is never gonna end well. Anyway , l'm glad he wasn't interested hopefully she'll learn somem from that , but l doubt it. Personally l don't think yoga's relationship material anyway myself, she sounds skitish . As far as your idea goes , sounds like that would just end up another K , was it ? type thing but , maybe no harm in just knowing each other though really or keeping in touch a bit . ln my experience too much time with something that's really nothing anyway though, just tends to hold us down and stop us moving on and getting out there . Edited December 17, 2019 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
Inspire Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 11 hours ago, ZA Dater said: I doubt I will ever figure out the difference. Frankly its largely irrelevant because my approach is to savour each day for what it is: an opportunity. I refuse to link my own happiness to my ability to find a date. Nor do I choose to value myself according to my ability to find a girlfriend. Since you seem so confident in your decision to take this person along with you on holiday, what advice or what help are you seeking? None of us here have a crystal ball. If you go without her, you obviously stand a better chance at meeting someone who might be interested in you for who you are and not just what you give to them. If you truly seek an "opportunity" then it means not going with her. Link to post Share on other sites
JoeyArnold Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 On 12/12/2019 at 5:52 AM, ZA Dater said: I met a yoga instructor Go out with her as her friend. If you want her to pay, tell her to. If you want to pay for her, then pay for her. Determine what your financial boundaries are. Try to let her know what your limits are if you want. If you don't, then you may have to eventually. If you like her, then she can be your friend. And she can become a potential lover. You don't know. She doesn't really know if you are her type or not. She may think she knows but she doesn't. Why? Because people are not omniscient. People don't know everything. So, it comes down to priorities. Focus on what you believe in doing. And try to do them. And if you are lucky, you can sometimes do things with people you like. And she doesn't have to be your soulmate for you to cherish those memories. But if you already have a GF for example, then you might want to tell her that you're going to do that. Or maybe ask her for permission haha or whatever. But please think win-win situation in that either you have a fun time with her and/or maybe she will become your GF someday. Yoga instructors usually are hot. But then again, it depends. Dating is dangerous. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted December 18, 2019 Author Share Posted December 18, 2019 17 hours ago, chillii said: As far as your idea goes , sounds like that would just end up another K , was it ? type thing but , maybe no harm in just knowing each other though really or keeping in touch a bit . ln my experience too much time with something that's really nothing anyway though, just tends to hold us down and stop us moving on and getting out there . I am very undecided to be honest. Another K situation would not be completely bad, I am learning a lot of life is about balance and K does balance we fairly nicely in some respects. This yoga instructor lives a long way away so anything meaningful would never happen but then again I am not really her type either but she certainly does know how to make me feel emotionally good if that makes sense. At the moment quite a few people close to me are gravely ill and I am reflecting a lot on life, the small things I do each day that I need to be thankful for and the small things I shouldn't worry about it. I had an interesting interaction this weekend but not really sure where to go with it but its a separate topic. Link to post Share on other sites
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