How do you stop allowing yourself to be mistreated?

[Sassydiva]

I am going to look for a therapist, but this guy treated me like an option, doormat, etc so he was disrespecting me more and more..it was obvious that he was a manipulative loser, but I didn’t cut him off  it was just so obvious when he never took me with him to events, on dates, etc..he threw out SO many excuses it was sickening but he really played the part well..I should have been smarter and said no more. So many red flags were flying. I was being advised by friends, family,  even a colleague to get rid of the loser that he doesn’t care about me. Did I listen? I kept rewarding his bad behavior. His idea of fun? Drinking and eating eventually at his house, Netflix and then we pass out. It was always that he is bad financially has SO many bills but I don’t believe it. If you value someone, you will do something in your budget. I wasn’t even asking every week..but hanging at his house is easier because he doesn’t have to actually make an effort. Why am I not surprised he is single??? And of course all his exes are the crazy one! Takes two to tango 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

The best way to deal with this is to take the focus and blame off him. Focus on your role in this and what in your background made you think you had to put up with it. As long as you focus on him and what he did/said, you won't make any changes within yourself and are at risk of falling for another loser.

[Watercolors]

I agree with GeorgiaPeach1. Guys like him are a dime a dozen. The more important crisis here is why you allow yourself to pursue guys like him? You need to focus on why you are attracted to emotionally unavailable men like him as your "type." A therapist will definitely help you with that. 

[d0nnivain]

You have no control over somebody else's behavior.  Sure he was rotten & inattentive, treating you like you didn't matter but you let him.  

 

If you don't like the way you are being treated, vote with your feet:  just walk. 

 

Nobody else will value you if you don't recognize your own worth.  

[RecentChange]

Yep it all comes from within.

 

It usually boils down to "why do I think so poorly of myself, that I deep down believe this is all I deserve"?

 

When people value themselves, they set boundaries and do not allow others to miss treat them.

 

For example - if a boyfriend said an insulting thing - some may internalize that and think he's right. Or say that "they love them" and turn a blind eye to the bad behavior, or make excuses about how they brought it on to themselves etc.

 

And others with healthy boundaries would call them out immediately, set boundaries and break up with someone that doesn't value and respect them.

 

It comes to valuing and respecting yourself enough to command that others also value and respect you - otherwise there is no space in your life for them. 

[Bluebelle38]

It is irrelevant now what he did, what's important to question is why you stayed and accepted so little. Get into therapy and work through that so you raise the bar in the future. 

 

The wrong relationship can be so damaging,it's worth working on yourself so you make better partner choices.

 

[scooby-philly]

I couldn't agree more with the previous posts. I'm 4 months out of a relationship where after 2 years she ghosted me and dumped me by text and IM. Why? Because I let her. Because I let it get to the point where she didn't realize I wouldn't tolerate bad behavior and I let several instances of major disrespect (and dozen of instances of her being immature, rude, etc.) go and didn't establish that I am not into playing games. But as people said - for my own recovery, growth, and eventual happiness, I've had to start doing the work on understanding my role in the situation and also the pattern I have of sticking with people even though my gut is telling me I'm not happy or fulfilled by the relationship (yes, I mean by the relationship, I know I can be "happy" without one or that happiness is from the inside) and that my needs aren't being met and in some cases, ignoring signs that things will eventually get bad.

 

So OP, it's okay to be angry and to get mad, but in the end, relationships are a two way street - we have to own our part in the process.

[andytuotuo]

I was listen to Whitney Cummings comments on her codependency and her definition of it: the inability to tolerate the discomfort of others. 
 

i really identified myself with codependency and mistook as me being too loving in relationships. In fact it’s a mental disease that doesn’t allow ourselves to care for ourselves and prioritize our own needs. 
 

I was recommended a book <codependency for dummies>. Still just getting into it but maybe it will be beneficial for you too. 

[scooby-philly]

OP,

As @andytuotuo said - perhaps it's a bit of codependency on your part. For those of us who are givers by nature, or who had some form of emotional trauma growing up and are either co-dependent, love/sex addicted, or just plain unable to prioritize our needs and listen to our guts when something is obviously wrong, we have to learn it's better to be single and happy then to try loving someone who isn't capable (or in your case seemingly willing) and/or able to love us in return the way we need it. Take the lessons from this relationship forward with you. Watch how much effort you put into things and if you can, control it in the beginning. See if they match it. See if their actions match their words. Look for progress towards building a real future together.