Is this just continued harrassment or genuine caring?

[Caringornot]

I broke up with my ex about 4 months ago after a very long term relationship.  He became very controlling and verbally abusive towards me during the last 6 months.  Overall, I'd rate the relationship a good one but we definitely had our ups and downs.  We never lived together but he really was pushing for that during the last year together.

Since our breakup he has tried to reach me by text under the guise of "caring for my well being" and wanting to share what's been going on with him since "we were partners for almost 7 years".  I have not replied except for one time and just told him I'm fine and in the process of rebuilding my life. He then asked what that was all about and I told him I didn't care to share. I then found out he met my son to pick out a tv (for the ex) and they had dinner but he didn't bring me up much other than telling my son he's been out on a few dates and that him and I were in touch a little (really??). That confused my son but I straightened it out.

My ex also told me he started dating right after our breakup (it was a fix up) and consisted of 6 dates but he wasn't sure he wanted to continue the relationship (ps: who cares???) and he asked me if I'm seeing anyone, to which I didn't reply.

Well...today, he once again reaches out to me and says that I haven't been seen by anyone (himself or his friends), kinda like "Bigfoot" (I suppose that's supposed to be funny?) and was I traveling and/or seeing anyone? Also, once again, just b/c we're not together doesn't mean he's not thinking of me every now and then and he was very careful not to bring me up when he met my son.  He also added that he'll be out on NYE at a restaurant (that we were out together for most NYE's we were together as well as other special times).  He also said he's lost weight and now is a 36 waist instead of 38 (again...who cares?).

I don't want to be a jerk about this since we were together for a long time but:

1.I don't see myself back with him

2.I am seeing someone new and don't think it's right to communicate with my ex

3.I don't trust his motives.

4. I don't want to be harassed if that's what this is.

 

What should I do?

Edited December 12, 2019 by Caringornot

[preraph]

Why don't you just block him. He is manipulating to keep being controlling. He is overstepping talking to your son or any of your family. You need to tell him you want no more contact and tell your family not to tell him anything about your life. He will use it to control and interfere.

[2BGoodAgain]

I think you should draw your boundaries. Put it out there, so he doesn't cross it. it is none of his business what your life is, unless you want to share it.

 

if not, he'll keep doing it again and again. Not to say he won't, but at least, you can go back to that you drew the line in the sand and he's crossed it. at which point, you'll have him blocked. 

 

he appears to have poor boundaries or at least in denial that you two are no longer together. In either case, whether it is a conscious effort by him or if it's unconscious actions, it isn't your concern. the only thing you should priorities is your life and your son.

 

also, him mentioning he'll be out by NYE at said restaurant, seems to indicate either he wants to get back together or reconciliation. Though, it doesn't have to be a restaurant that when you two were last there together, it was when you two were still together. So it seem to lean more like he's trying to get back together.

 

But you're no longer there.

 

one possible hint might be to tell him you're seeing someone else, but again... 1) not his business and 2) it may open a whole new can of worms... up to you.

 

Good luck, protect your new life, and make choices to make yourself happy again.

[mark clemson]

This is all just my personal opinion.

 

Yes, communicate your desire to not be contacted by him if you haven't already. I would tell your son also so he can decline any further invites.

 

In my view, it's not harassment yet. However, it's your view that counts the most as to whether it is. It's possible it might escalate to that or stalking and nipping it in the bud is probably wise.

 

Acting strongly like a b*tch/showing your negative side (everyone has one) may help clear his head of idealizations he may have about you. If it was me, I wouldn't hesitate to be nasty/make my voice sound unpleasant or what have you as being male I know how much of a "turn off" that can be to some men. I think being too "civil" for the sake of common decency can backfire in situations like this. Since you're done with him, making yourself out to be a spite-filled trainwreck probably won't hurt anything and might be just the thing to drive him off. Just don't put anything you wouldn't want your son or mutual friends, etc to see.

 

Might be a bit "therapeutic" as well, but perhaps you're not that type of person.

[d0nnivain]

This is a ruse.  He wants you back.  He's being manipulative & controlling.  The fact that you even think this might be genuine caring makes me wonder about you.  If you are done with him, be done.  

 

Every so often I will randomly bump into a long ago EX.  In that moment, we exchange pleasantries which is superficial caring not manipulation but he is deliberately reaching out, inquiring about your social activities & fishing to be back in charge of your life.