A disappointing wedding

[d0nnivain]

I'm glad you were able to do something positive with the food.  

[major_merrick]

Sorry that you didn't get your dream day.  Rude of those people to not show up after they RSVP'd, but that's life these days.  People are generally unreliable.  As others have said, focus on the good things.  I mean, the point of a wedding is that you're getting a husband, right?  So you got the guy and you got the ring, and now you get to start your life together.  Consider the main item achieved. 

IDK why, but I never had a wedding dream as a girl.  It was never me, and when I married my husband I didn't even wear a dress.  I've never worn a dress or a skirt in my life, so I wasn't about to start.  My only regret is that we didn't have time for a honeymoon vacation, but it isn't a big deal for me.  Water under the bridge. 

[Piddy]

Reading this story makes me happy we didn't go down the formal, extravagant wedding.  We did a back yard Elvis Presley type wedding that we paid for ourselves. A great time was had by all.  If my wife's parents had offered an expensive wedding, I would've opted for the several thousand dollars in cash to help put a down payment on a house instead.

[Els]

4 hours ago, Piddy said:

Reading this story makes me happy we didn't go down the formal, extravagant wedding.  We did a back yard Elvis Presley type wedding that we paid for ourselves. A great time was had by all.  If my wife's parents had offered an expensive wedding, I would've opted for the several thousand dollars in cash to help put a down payment on a house instead.

 

To be fair, most people would not consider a 60-person wedding (which the OP had) to be "extravagant".

 

[Piddy]

3 hours ago, Elswyth said:

 

To be fair, most people would not consider a 60-person wedding (which the OP had) to be "extravagant".

 

 

My point was more the cost.  I'm assuming even a 60 person wedding is several thousand dollars.  

[CaraGrace]

On 12/14/2019 at 7:20 AM, major_merrick said:

Sorry that you didn't get your dream day.  Rude of those people to not show up after they RSVP'd, but that's life these days.  People are generally unreliable.  As others have said, focus on the good things.  I mean, the point of a wedding is that you're getting a husband, right?  So you got the guy and you got the ring, and now you get to start your life together.  Consider the main item achieved. 

IDK why, but I never had a wedding dream as a girl.  It was never me, and when I married my husband I didn't even wear a dress.  I've never worn a dress or a skirt in my life, so I wasn't about to start.  My only regret is that we didn't have time for a honeymoon vacation, but it isn't a big deal for me.  Water under the bridge. 

I was quite like you because I seldom wear dresses or skirts, not a very girly kind of person, and I had always thought I would just elope instead of have a wedding that involve so many people and I would need to socialize. But only at the moment we decided to get married that I thought I wanted to wear that white dress and be with my family when I tie the knot. But the whole thing could have been more casual if not because of the relatives who said so many times that they would fly back here. Anyway, please don't regret about not having a honeymoon vacation because I believe it is nothing different from any other vacation that you two had and will have together. Mine was even shorter and cheaper than many other vacations we've had together over the past 10 years. Just like when people say every day is valentine's day when you are with the right person, every trip can be a honeymoon vacation too.  I hope you two have the time to travel often with each other and make memories around the world! 

On 12/14/2019 at 10:51 AM, Piddy said:

Reading this story makes me happy we didn't go down the formal, extravagant wedding.  We did a back yard Elvis Presley type wedding that we paid for ourselves. A great time was had by all.  If my wife's parents had offered an expensive wedding, I would've opted for the several thousand dollars in cash to help put a down payment on a house instead.

We also hoped for a more casual wedding but only added in the whole dinner reception thing because of the relatives, especially those who said they would fly all the way here. And we paid for everything ourselves too, not offered by our parents. If it's offered by parents, I think I don't have the right to be upset about anything. But the fact is we did it and paid for everything just because we hoped that everyone would be happy and satisfied, but only ended up I was very disappointed at what's turned out. With the money we spent, or even wasted (on no show guests), we could travel many times to countries we haven't been, or many other more practical things. 

Edited December 15, 2019 by CaraGrace

[Els]

11 hours ago, CaraGrace said:

We also hoped for a more casual wedding but only added in the whole dinner reception thing because of the relatives, especially those who said they would fly all the way here. And we paid for everything ourselves too, not offered by our parents. If it's offered by parents, I think I don't have the right to be upset about anything. But the fact is we did it and paid for everything just because we hoped that everyone would be happy and satisfied, but only ended up I was very disappointed at what's turned out. With the money we spent, or even wasted (on no show guests), we could travel many times to countries we haven't been, or many other more practical things. 

 

I would have been okay with eloping. My husband, however, wanted a wedding. While I did still do the bulk of the planning and conversations with vendors due to my nature,  he was more involved than most grooms that I know. He DIYed some of the things we used, and on the morning of the wedding he was the one doing last minute checks at the venue while I had my hair and makeup done (I never understood why it's usually the bride doing them when she needs a MUCH longer time to get ready than the groom, it only made sense to us that the person with the shorter prep time would be doing the venue checks!).

 

What I'm trying to say, though, is that I have zero regrets and, after the wedding was over, I completely understood why he wanted to have one. Money is just money, we earned it back in less than a year. Yes, it could be spent on travel etc, but we can (and have) gone traveling many other times throughout our lives, whereas the opportunity to have family and friends come from all over the world to share in our nuptials was a once in a lifetime thing. I am SO GLAD we did it.

 

So, don't worry about the past. What's done is done, you will earn the money back. Stop focusing on the things that went wrong. Focus instead on the time you spent with your loved ones (the ones who did show up), and what a blessing it was to have that.

Edited December 15, 2019 by Elswyth

[Mr. Lucky]

On 12/13/2019 at 7:46 AM, Elswyth said:

But none of it really matters, y'know? We all had a great time and we still got married. Screw the perfectionism!

 

I was the GM of a large restaurant/banquet facility for a decade with an indoor greenhouse, very lush and romantic setting.  We did two or three weddings every Saturday, often with the ceremony and reception together.  So I dealt with many couples and their families and guests.

 

What I learned very quickly was the best events were given by those couples who relaxed and understood this was a party for friends and family to celebrate the union, so the focus was on their guests.  And the least satisfying - and most problematic - receptions occured when the bride and groom made themselves the center of attention,  something was bound to go off script.

 

CaraGrace, if your guests had a good time, you had a great wedding.  Anything else is immaterial, unproductive and unimportant...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

PS - our photographer was hit by a car crossing the street on the way to our wedding (survived with minor injuries), so we have only pictures taken by friends and family.  30 years later, we still laugh today at some of the awkward poses, strange angles and missing persons.  Life is what happens while you're making plans to do other things...

 

[PinkFlamingo]

You got once again disappointed by people, aka the relatives who said they wanted to fly back and for whom the whole dinner event was planned and who just didn't bother to show up. And you favored them over the real friends whom you could not invite to your wedding in order to keep it small.

 

I think you have the same problem as I have, you expect people to be true to their word, to be supportive, to be honest, all the things that you are, then they disappoint you and it hurts your feelings, but nobody else understands why. I'd say, put your relatives on the list of unreliable people and never ever trust their word again, while focusing on the friends who were excited about your wedding and who did want to support you. You do have good friends and they are there for you, while you spend time focusing on the people who are not worth it.

 

[CaraGrace]

On 12/19/2019 at 10:37 PM, Mr. Lucky said:

What I learned very quickly was the best events were given by those couples who relaxed and understood this was a party for friends and family to celebrate the union, so the focus was on their guests.  And the least satisfying - and most problematic - receptions occured when the bride and groom made themselves the center of attention,  something was bound to go off script.

Thanks Mr Lucky, you are very right indeed. I did want it to be a relaxing party for everybody, and I think during the whole process I had focused on everything that would make them happy and enjoy themselves. I even handmade things like program fans in case they felt hot in the garden, and prepared scarves etc. in case it was chilly... perhaps no one thinks it's necessary but I did take people's needs in consideration, planned and made everything to the tinest details. I booked cars for each relative/family so that they didn't have to worry about transportation because I know some of them thought the location was not convenient... I mean, when you planned every bit and coordinated with every party (from venue to decorations  to transport) on your own and no one was there to assist you, both before and during the wedding, you didn't really have the luxuary to relax. And when you only realized that more than half of the relatives who said they would come were not there when you marched in, well it was a bit hard to keep yourself together. I did hope that I was a union of family and friends, but then it wasn't. If I put the time and effort that I had put on them, which was obviously put to waste, on myself instead, perhaps at least I could have made sure someone would have correctly played my march in music and gave me my bouquet during the ceremony... Of course even if the music was wrong and bouquet missing, everybody still had a great time. I look at photos and saw everybody had a big smile on their faces, but sadly I think one of the reasons why everybody was still so happy was that no one had ever thought for a second what I would feel when guest attendance was unexpectedly so low... only one of my friends, who is a dude, cared to say that he felt sorry for me because he could see I put my heart on everything, even as unimportant as the program fans and wedding favors, he knew I handmade them for people who didn't come. Of course he felt happy for me too, I was married no matter what, but he saw things that other people didn't see, he saw what I had done so that people could enjoy the party. Indeed just seeing the big smiles on my parents' faces, everything was worth it. But I just couldn't help feel sad for myself. Surely this feeling would fade and no matter what it's a joyful and memorable event, and it's should be a celebration. 

Edited December 22, 2019 by CaraGrace

[CaraGrace]

On 12/20/2019 at 4:21 AM, PinkFlamingo said:

You got once again disappointed by people, aka the relatives who said they wanted to fly back and for whom the whole dinner event was planned and who just didn't bother to show up. And you favored them over the real friends whom you could not invite to your wedding in order to keep it small.

 

I think you have the same problem as I have, you expect people to be true to their word, to be supportive, to be honest, all the things that you are, then they disappoint you and it hurts your feelings, but nobody else understands why. I'd say, put your relatives on the list of unreliable people and never ever trust their word again, while focusing on the friends who were excited about your wedding and who did want to support you. You do have good friends and they are there for you, while you spend time focusing on the people who are not worth it.

 

Thanks PinkFlamingo, you sum it all up. Not being able to invite friends whom I wished could be there was a big regret. At first I thought I should prioritize relatives over friends, but then they stood us up, not one, not two, but a bunch of them. But then it didn't sound right that I told my husband how disappointed I was at his relatives, because they are his uncles and aunts no matter what. I really had no one to talk to on how disappointed and unhappy I was. And I had to pretend like I was happy and thankful and show respect even to people who disappointed me because we are one family now. But yes, I see very clearly now who are true friends who are there for me when I need support. And that's what's important now. 

[Els]

34 minutes ago, CaraGrace said:

Thanks PinkFlamingo, you sum it all up. Not being able to invite friends whom I wished could be there was a big regret. At first I thought I should prioritize relatives over friends, but then they stood us up, not one, not two, but a bunch of them. But then it didn't sound right that I told my husband how disappointed I was at his relatives, because they are his uncles and aunts no matter what.

 

Not excusing what they did at all (they should absolutely have been honest with you from the very beginning instead of standing you up), but when you said "relatives" I was thinking brothers and sisters, not the entire extended family. I mean, honestly, I don't think most people would pay for an international plane ticket to attend the wedding of a niece, nephew, or cousin, unless they were exceptionally close to them. I did not fly to my home country to attend my cousins' weddings, nor did they fly to mine, but my close friends flew to mine and I would fly to theirs. Close friends should always be prioritized over extended family IMO.

Edited December 22, 2019 by Elswyth

[CaraGrace]

8 hours ago, Elswyth said:

 

Not excusing what they did at all (they should absolutely have been honest with you from the very beginning instead of standing you up), but when you said "relatives" I was thinking brothers and sisters, not the entire extended family. I mean, honestly, I don't think most people would pay for an international plane ticket to attend the wedding of a niece, nephew, or cousin, unless they were exceptionally close to them. I did not fly to my home country to attend my cousins' weddings, nor did they fly to mine, but my close friends flew to mine and I would fly to theirs. Close friends should always be prioritized over extended family IMO.

They flew back for my husband's sister's wedding. They fly back once very 1 to 2 years for vacation. They asked us when we're getting married and said they would fly back for our wedding every time we met over the past 6 years (we had been dating for 9 years). I would excuse friends for not flying to my wedding, considering the ability to afford flight tickets, I am pretty sure these relatives, many of them owning their own business or already retired, have much more money to spend than my friends. I have a friend who said he wanted to fly here to attend my wedding but I asked him not to waste the money to do so. He flies here for work once a year and I said we could just meet up during his work trip then, just don't bother to fly here an extra time just for my wedding. I think family tradition is different between yours and mine. And actually whether they fly back for our wedding or not means a lot to my husband's mum. When the whole bunch of her siblings moved to another country for a much better life, she's the only one who's left behind. It means a lot to her that her siblings come back here on her son's wedding. It's a big thing to her, and that's one of the reasons my husband and I decided to have an expensive dinner reception and follow traditions instead of having a much more casual one which we hoped for at the very beginning. She was much more upset and angry than I was, and I had to pretend like I wasn't upset at all and comfort her, saying good words for her siblings, saying that I believe they really wanted to come and it's ok if they couldn't make it, even though I was the one who needed to deal with extra seats and food and wasted money... I tried my very best to keep my cool, I overcome it because well, at least they told us 2 weeks before wedding. But what I was really upset then was 10+ more relatives from his side, who live here, didn't come to the ceremony but didn't tell us.