snowcones Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 (edited) Serial, as in, they have cheated more than once. Do they just get used to and normalize it? Help me understand this. Edited December 13, 2019 by snowcones Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 Money, lifestyle and social status are some reasons I've personally seen. While infidelity can remain private or be widely known, divorce is a very public matter which some people prefer to avoid. Everyone is different. The longer the marriage, IMO the more likely it will survive infidelity, even serial infidelity. I know a couple of M's now over 30 years with a rich history of admitted infidelity. It works for them. Outwardly, popular, successful and admired. That's how the world works for some. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 A wide range of reasons. Some honestly just don't care if thier spouse is stepping out. For others its fear. Some are just buying time until the next available offramp, waiting for kids to leave, getting financing in order. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 It's a really good question with multiple answers. My younger brother has cheated on his wife since the beginning of their marriage. He has at least one illegitimate child that I know of. She is hurt by it all but stays with him through thick or thin. His latest interest is motorcycles and he's trying to take on the persona of a biker and she's right there with him. It's not for money or prestige for they have none. There are other "perfect" marriages I'm familiar with that surprisingly went down in flames while my brother's just keeps rolling along. It does leave me scratching my head. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 Why would anyone care? Let's face it,. there are people that stay with others that refuse to work despite piling bills, people that stay with others despite alcoholism/drug abuse, people that stay with others despite letting themselves completely go to shyt...whatever... For all anyone knows, the one person in the marriage may not even want sex or even care anyway.... there are a million reasons... Point is, don't be so quick to look at someone else's life and think "how could they"? Its entirely possible that are wondering the same about you... TFY 3 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 7 hours ago, snowcones said: Serial, as in, they have cheated more than once. Do they just get used to and normalize it? Help me understand this. It really depends on the person who cheated... 1) true intent to change & actions: have they truly reached rock bottom and made promises and delivered on those promises to show some kind of change or willingness to change. (ie Therapy, cut off all ties with AP, willingness to be honest and open.) 2) why they cheated: is it something that needs therapy for some internal character flaw or was it just a "I can still do it" kind of act. 3) what type of cheating: online, real time, one time, going on for months/years? 4) what is the current situation in the relationship: this one is tricky, b/c you don't want to blame the relationship for the cheating, b/c cheating is the act of the cheater and he/she must face and accept responsibility of his/her actions but at the same time, as the healing of the relationship is rebuilt, both the cheater and the cheated on, have to build a new relationship and past problems need to be addressed. Couples therapy is usually good for this type of rebuilding. ultimately, whether or not the relationship continues is mostly on the person who is cheated on. Sometimes, even if the multiple cheating offender may genuinely want to change and keep the relationship, the power and right to continue the relationship(give it another chance) is entirely and fairly upon that person who was cheated on. sometimes, and this is a very bad case... the cheated on, chooses to ignore or just accept his/her reality... but this results in one side being in denial or in a very bad unbalanced relationship (for the kids, I have no where to go, etc).. but in the end, those are just excuses to stay. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 I was married for 23 years to someone who cheated for several years before I finally called it quits. It took me a long time to come to terms with the idea of divorcing. I was kind of numb for several years and in denial. It makes no sense unless you've experienced it. I would never have thought I would be one of those people who stayed for so long. When I was going through my divorce I got involved with a man who was separated from his wife (we had an affair for 3 years, I've posted about it). They lived apart most of that time, but according to him she is staunchly Catholic and doesn't believe in divorce. He didn't want to split the money and property, so they each had their own reasons for staying "together". He's very involved with someone else now - but still married. Just like everything in life, we all have our own reasons and motivations for things that often make no sense to others. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 Yeah, gotta agree that everyone's a bit different and folks can have very different views, motivations for staying, etc. The truth is a relationship can survive almost anything so long as both people choose to remain in it (for whatever reasons they make that choice). Due to the deception/betrayal and emotions, it's easy to understand why cheating is a dealbreaker for many. Less easy to understand the reasons why it's not for some. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 5 minutes ago, Finding my way said: I was married for 23 years to someone who cheated for several years before I finally called it quits. It took me a long time to come to terms with the idea of divorcing. I was kind of numb for several years and in denial. It makes no sense unless you've experienced it. I would never have thought I would be one of those people who stayed for so long. When I was going through my divorce I got involved with a man who was separated from his wife (we had an affair for 3 years, I've posted about it). They lived apart most of that time, but according to him she is staunchly Catholic and doesn't believe in divorce. He didn't want to split the money and property, so they each had their own reasons for staying "together". He's very involved with someone else now - but still married. Just like everything in life, we all have our own reasons and motivations for things that often make no sense to others. I don't believe our actions "don't make sense"... just b/c someone else doesn't understand it. There are reasons and denials and time it takes to make a decision. I think you just needed time to sort things out … they say for many people or many circumstances, they are dominated by two things; FEAR & PAIN. Fear to make a change & Pain to make a change. Many times people fear [place your reasons here] to make a change in their lives. It isn't until the pain becomes too much, they no longer fear the change... and make a change. As for the guy with the catholic wife... we don't live in a society anymore in the States where you need the other to divorce, even if they don't want to. A priest could annul the marriage, if worst case comes down to it... it's like the marriage never happened, at least on paper. Your AP most likely had reasons which were all true but honestly, if he really wanted to... he would have. He didn't want to. He'll keep going from affair to affair.... I'm glad you got out. Kudos to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 People stay for different reasons. Believe or not passion is fueled by the cheating in some marriages. You never know what is going on behind the closed doors of married people. Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 Some people may only stick around because they feel they can't do any better or they feel they're stuck in the relationship. It can be for any number of reasons. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 6 minutes ago, stillafool said: People stay for different reasons. Believe or not passion is fueled by the cheating in some marriages. You never know what is going on behind the closed doors of married people. agreed. But it's only a band aid solution. the affairs keep happening, even if the wife/hub never finds out. 3 minutes ago, The Outlaw said: Some people may only stick around because they feel they can't do any better or they feel they're stuck in the relationship. It can be for any number of reasons. I think many people do this, I agree. But in the end, still just excuses. Fear. Someday, the pain will become too much for the fear to take hold, that they might do something about it. (shrug). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 Numerous reasons, but some people do love misery, they will self sabotage and run headlong into the most dysfunctional relationship they can find. A serial cheater is perfect for them, they can constantly feel like a victim and wallow in self pity... Oh poor me... Other's like drama and chaos and aggro, a serial cheater never fails to produce the goods. They lurch from one soap opera situation to the next. These scenarios can be addictive, the highs are so high the lows are so low. So whilst a "normal" person would never tolerate such situations for long, some will tolerate them for years and decades as they get something out of them. . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 44 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said: I think many people do this, I agree. But in the end, still just excuses. Fear. Someday, the pain will become too much for the fear to take hold, that they might do something about it. (shrug). Yep. Some may just want to walk away, but just can't do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 Marriages of convenience. I've heard it's quite common some countries for people to marry within their class, status, whatever you want to call it, because that's how some people do it, raise their kids and then are perfectly fine once the kids are raised to both go about doing whatever they wish. That doesn't happen much in the U.S., although in the very richest society back "in the day," like the Kennedys, it happened but seemed to be a one-way road for men only. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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