So frustrated and loney

[angie77]

Hi everyone, I just found this site and I'm glad I did. I am at my wits end. I am so frustrated with the fact that I can never seem to attract any men...ever. In the past I've tried to put on a facade and pretend to be someone I'm not, but that didn't even work. People I meet always tell me that I'm a beautiful girl, yet no one asks me out. I am super friendly, I smile, and I'm warm. So I know that it's not because I seem unapproachable. My mother tells me its because of my weight (I could stand to lose a few lbs), however, many friends of mine are larger than me and are in relationships.

 

I find often myself going out with girlfriends, and they will get hit on left and right...while I'm sitting there in the background sipping on my diet coke. I want to get married and have children one day, but I'm getting sadder as the days pass thinking that my desires may never be. I am extremely lonely and I find myself crying myself to sleep more often than not.

 

I think I'm pretty, intelligent, humorous, and I'm not picky...so what is it about me?? I really don't understand. Perhaps a guy could respond and tell me what it is that men really want? And tell me what I need to do in order to meet someone who will be interested in me??

 

Angie

[d'Arthez]

I find often myself going out with girlfriends, and they will get hit on left and right...while I'm sitting there in the background sipping on my diet coke. I want to get married and have children one day, but I'm getting sadder as the days pass thinking that my desires may never be. I am extremely lonely and I find myself crying myself to sleep more often than not.

Added emphasis in quote

 

If you are a few pounds overweight, it is not your weight if you are concerned about that. A few men might be as shallow as that, but you would not want to get involved with them anyway.

 

It seems that this frutration about not finding a good guy, is consuming you. In all likelihood it also radiates from your presence when you are around people (sitting in the background sipping diet coke). You may not be conscious of that, but other people may pick up those cues. Do you have the possibility to talk with a male friend about this, in real life? It might seem strange at first, but they might give you a few ideas on how to improve the way you act around people.

 

Perhaps a guy could respond and tell me what it is that men really want? And tell me what I need to do in order to meet someone who will be interested in me??

What I want is different from what another guy wants, which is different from what his friend wants. There is no generalization possible - and the only generalization that is of value for you, starts with you: What do you want in a guy?

 

Perhaps you are looking in the wrong places. And perhaps you have too high expectations of guys - you are not perfect, but no guy is perfect either.

 

The best thing you could do, and I know it is hard, but that is try not to worry about this 24/7. At the same time you should try to engage in activities for yourself, and of course find out if your non-verbal behavior comes across as uninviting to men. There is much more to live than being in a happy relationship. And the more there is in your life besides the desire for a relationship, the more attractive you tend to become for men.

[fusangite]

I was in your position three years ago. Then I lost 46lbs. Now I'm exactly as single as I was but much thinner.

 

D'Arthez is quite correct. Most communication in the attraction stage is carried out through non-verbal cues as expressed in your body language, tone of voice, etc. Through a bunch of non-verbal signals over which you have either no control or limited control, you convey unambiguously to men that you are unattractive.

 

I speak from experience here. No matter how witty, talented, assertive, etc. I am, none of it matters because my body betrays me. One statement you make that leads me to think I am on the right track here is your diet coke reference. Your sense of physical discomfort is probably magnified and foregrounded when you surround yourself with people who are drinking alcohol while you do not. You appear even less comfortable and relaxed because you are literally surrounded by people who are far more relaxed even than they are normally.

 

What do you need to do? I couldn't tell you. Here are some things that did not work for me that you might have a shot with:

- try yoga or some other discipline that teaches relaxation and conscious control over the body

- take up drinking

- get a prescription for prescription medication that will relax you

- join science fiction fan, role playing gaming or other organizations where being an overweight geek with unconfident body language is the norm

- use an internet dating service

 

I wish you the best of luck. If you find something not on the above list that produces results, please come back and tell me about it.

[slubberdegullion]

Angie;

 

D'Arthez makes an excellent point (he's obviously a pretty smart guy). If your desire for a mate is consuming you almost all the time, that's bound to show up in the way you relate to people, especially men.

 

It's been said that interpersonal communication is 70% non-verbal and 30% verbal. (Granted, I'm not sure if I buy that; after all, communicating by phone, email and the like seems to work pretty well. But I digress...)

 

A couple of points from your original post:

• If you are self-conscious about your weight and want to lose a few pounds, do it for yourself and your health. It may or may not make you more attractive in the eyes of men, but it will very likely boost your self-confidence, and a self-confident woman is highly attractive;
  
• Prowling the pubs is probably not the best place to meet men of quality. If there's a university or college in or near your town, consider taking a night class in something that interests you. Unless it turns out to be a female-only thing, you're bound to meet some men that share your interests;
  
• When you are out with your friends, take the initiative and actually approach men instead of waiting for them to approach you. Self-confidence, again. Yes, it's scary, and yes, you run the risk of rejection. But so what? Rejection and the associated feelings is temporary. No risk = no gain;
  
• Internet dating sites have their positives and negatives. I've met some wonderful women through them, and although nothing developed beyond FWB situation, I've increased my social contacts which is all good; and,
  
• Strike up the occasional conversation with a man in, say, a bookstore. They are great places to meet people, because if they're leafing through a book, you can be assured that it's on a topic that catches their interest. It provides a great conversation starter.

You may try role-playing with a trusted male friend as a way to boost your confidence (not that kind or role playing, like farmhand and the lonely widow, or escaped convict and the warden's wife... I mean practicing your conversation skills with men).

 

Lastly, relax. Coming off as desperate or clingy is a surefire way to drive men away.

 

Good luck! Keep us updated!

[angie77]

I thank both of you for your replies. As for my body language and non-verbal cues, my friends have brought that to my attention. Someone even stated that I tend to "blend in to the wallpaper". And God knows I've tried everything to try to change that...but it's obviously not working. There is not an assertive bone in my body, as I've been conditioned to believe that being an assertive female makes you look cheap and desperate. Do men really feel that way?

You're right, fusangite, I don't drink...I've never been able to handle alcohol the way others do (I just get really tired and a major headache). And as far as dating sites are concerned, yes I've tried those as well. It seemed promising at first, until EVERY single guy I communicated with asked me what I meant when I marked "full figured" on my profile. So I told them the truth. Have I heard from any of these shallow men since? No.

 

I was in your position three years ago. Then I lost 46lbs. Now I'm exactly as single as I was but much thinner.

 

I refuse to allow others' problem with my weight to become my own. I am happy in my skin and I think I'm attractive...and as you said fusangite, losing weight will probably not help.

 

And perhaps you have too high expectations of guys - you are not perfect, but no guy is perfect either.

 

d'Arthez, the only expectation I have is that he has a personality I click with. I don't look for someone with certain features, social status, or the type of vehicle he drives; if I have that "feeling" in my gut, then that's it.

 

I truly appreciate being able to talk about this.

[barfool]

Coming from a woman who has more than a few pounds to lose, I've found that weight really doesn't play as big of a role as we seem to think. But I'm talking about people I meet in real life, not over the internet. I used to be extremely self-conscious about my physical appearance and that killed any chance I had of attracting a guy. Now I really don't care and I have no problem attracting men. Of course, they are not all "life-partner" types, but I get to have fun and build my confidence in the meantime.

 

Things that have worked for me:

 

Confidence! Believe you are worth every man around and they will feel it.

 

Stop obsessing about it. The moment you stop looking is when you will find someone.

 

Have fun. Do things you enjoy, not just something to meet men. Besides, guys love girls who look like they are having a good time.

 

Approach men, but not as the "huntress." Just be friendly and talk about something you noticed he was doing. If he doesn't really respond, then who cares! You were just being friendly.

[lindya]

There is not an assertive bone in my body, as I've been conditioned to believe that being an assertive female makes you look cheap and desperate.

 

Who conditioned you to think that way? People need to be inspired and spurred on with positive role models. Rather than thinking about what you don't want to be and fearing the prospect of being attacked with words like "cheap" or "desperate", it might be an idea to start positively visualising who and what you do want to be.

 

You could get 100 different men outlining to you what they personally are looking for in a woman. It's not necessarily going to help you any, and it might end up making you feel even more boxed in by ideas of what you shouldn't be rather than lifted up with dreams of what you could be.

[BadBadGirl]

i agree. no one wants to hit on the bitter, diet-coke drinking wallflower.

 

be more fun.

[angie77]

Who said I was bitter? Since when does a desire for a relationship equate to bitterness??

 

I am fun...I have fun...just because I don't drink and my idea of fun is not bar hopping, doesn't mean that I can't/don't have fun doing other things.

 

As for the "wallflower" comment...it is not true. I said my friend said I "blend in like the wallpaper"...because there is apparently nothing spectacular about me (her viewpoint, not mine). And although I'm not aggressive, I still conversate, laugh, shake my a$$ on the dancefloor, and have fun in a social setting. It's just the part of getting a guy to go a step farther and ask me out that is troubling me.

 

I just want everyone to know that I don't go out with a big obvious sign on my head screaming "I'M DESPERATE...PLEASE DATE ME!!". In fact, most people whom I encounter assume I'm happy being single, yet if the right guy came along, then great. Desperation calls for desperate measures, and I haven't done anything in "desperado" mode. Not desperate, just......frustrated.

[fusangite]

I just have to interject at this point in the thread that telling people they need to be self-confident shouldn't even be categorized as advice because it does not rise to the minimum standard of what the word means. Every person who struggles in social situations already knows they lack the requisite self-confidence to make things work. So, you're not offering advice because you're not telling them something they don't already know -- and know better than you do, in fact. Secondly, you're not offering advice telling people to "be" self-confident in that you are not actually expressing any practical steps to achieve this goal. You might as well tell people "get a boyfriend/girlfriend" -- its basically the same thing: it's dressing up someone's goal as a strategy for achieving it.

I just want everyone to know that I don't go out with a big obvious sign on my head screaming "I'M DESPERATE...PLEASE DATE ME!!". In fact, most people whom I encounter assume I'm happy being single, yet if the right guy came along, then great. Desperation calls for desperate measures, and I haven't done anything in "desperado" mode. Not desperate, just......frustrated.

To be desperate one must have faith that taking action will actually make things better. I think many chronically romantically unsuccessful people are in a state of polite despair most of the time. You won't discover how desperate you truly are until you actually talk yourself into thinking you have a shot with an attractive guy.

[lindya]

As for the "wallflower" comment...it is not true. I said my friend said I "blend in like the wallpaper"...because there is apparently nothing spectacular about me (her viewpoint, not mine). And although I'm not aggressive, I still conversate, laugh, shake my a$$ on the dancefloor, and have fun in a social setting. It's just the part of getting a guy to go a step farther and ask me out that is troubling me.

 

Maybe you need to practise tuning out this friend a bit, or find ways of balancing out her comments with a bit of morale boosting from other sources. Try not to dwell on the "blending in with the wall-paper" comment. It's someone else's trash that you don't need in your mind.

 

The fact that you haven't met your soul mate in a night club isn't a reflection on you, it's a reflection on the fact that night-clubs tend to be geared towards getting people heated up for sexual encounters rather than for falling in love (though it can't be denied that some people do meet their long term partners in night-clubs).

 

Learning something new is a great way to meet others. You're all in the same boat, so straight away you have something in common that you can speak about. Also, it's easier to relax and be yourself in a setting where you're participating in an activity that requires you to concentrate. Even if you don't meet the love of your life, you'll get a chance to mingle with some fresh faces and maybe discover a hidden talent or two in the process.

[barfool]

You won't discover how desperate you truly are until you actually talk yourself into thinking you have a shot with an attractive guy.

 

Wow, I really disagree with this. Desperation is when you are on the verge of losing all hope in a situation. It has nothing to do with "talking yourself into" anything. Besides, there is nothing wrong with believing that you are good enough for a guy, even if he is "attractive."

 

I don't beleive that angie is desperate, just a little discouraged. I hope that my previous reply wasn't taken the wrong way. I'm just trying to give some advice from someone who has been there.

 

So we need to be more specific with the whole "self-confidence" thing? OK.

For me at least in the beginning, self-confidence was a vicious cycle. I based my feelings about my attractiveness and personality on responses from men. Therefore, if I had no male attention I had no self-confidence which made me in turn get no men. Eventually I learned about the double standard that we give ourselves and other ways we make ourselves feel bad. I started to feel a little better. Then a guy hit on me for the first time in a long time. Then I felt even better. From there everything has snowballed and I feel great.

 

One thing a guy who likes me said is that he thought it was great that I know I am a "big girl" but that I just don't care. If I acted self-conscious about my body, then that would turn people off.

 

Perhaps to get the "ball rolling" on male attention, the best place to be might be a bar/club/poolhall. In these situations men are usually on the search for some women and will be more receptive. These definately won't be keepers, but they are great confidence boosters for one who has not been given that kind of attention for a long time.

[Jayhawks]

My recommendation is to stop sitting back and waiting for a guy. If you see someone you fancy and would like to get to know just walk up and talk to him. Many guys are shy as well and they would be flattered if a girl showed interest in them. You say your friends get asked and you just sit there sipping on your diet Coke; watch them and see what they are doing that you are not. Maybe they give eye contact or smile to a guy they are interested in. You don't have to be overly aggressive but there is nothing wrong with showing interest. Don't be afraid to let a guy know you want him to approach you. You will find you will have much more fun when you actively participate in searching for your man. He is out there waiting for you so look for him and let him know.

 

Good Luck..

[lindya]

Wow, I really disagree with this. Desperation is when you are on the verge of losing all hope in a situation. It has nothing to do with "talking yourself into" anything. Besides, there is nothing wrong with believing that you are good enough for a guy, even if he is "attractive."

 

I think the word "desperate" has negative connotations. Imagine that desperate simply means really, really wanting something. Deciding that you want it so much that you're going to take one or two risks that you wouldn't normally take. My reading of fusangite's comment was along the lines of "take that desire and use it to drive yourself into taking some action. That might involve casting aside preconceptions about how women should or shouldn't behave."

 

In a way that relates to what you're saying here (which I agree with)

 

So we need to be more specific with the whole "self-confidence" thing? OK. For me at least in the beginning, self-confidence was a vicious cycle. I based my feelings about my attractiveness and personality on responses from men. Therefore, if I had no male attention I had no self-confidence which made me in turn get no men. Eventually I learned about the double standard that we give ourselves and other ways we make ourselves feel bad.

 

One of the things that drags us down and makes us feel bad is to be completely bound by conventional rules about how a woman should or shouldn't be - even if deep down we don't feel that we can be happy living by those rules. Not to say that all the rules are wrong... but sometimes in order to find out which ones are right for us and which aren't, we need to break a few of them.