Girlfriend going to work christmas party without me

[js_77]

So this year is almost ending, I had the worst year of my life, my mom passed away and I'm struggling a lot. I'm still doing therapy, getting better trying to avoid depression, overcoming my insecurities and jealousy. Our relationship is improving since we're not fighting over my jealousy like it was before "but" this week things got out of my control, though my mind is a mess because of everything.

My girlfriend works in a small company and tomorroy there'll be a office party only for employees, this party is daytime, not late at night. I'm jealous because I know how these parties are, there's a lot of cheating, married people cheating with coworkers. I'm not naive, months ago she told me about her female coworker hooking up with a married man and using drugs there in their last year party. Mod cut. Last year she went and I had a fight too, anyway she told me about this party again and I started to imagine a lot of things. We had a fight because I'm not confortable with that, worried she could cheat on me.

Where I work I'll have my christmas party too but they allow spouses to go but I'm thinking about going alone too, just to her feel the way I feel!
 

[Els]

Are you seriously pissed about your gf attending a work Christmas party where +1s are not allowed? You do realize how unreasonable this is, right? If someone is going to cheat, they aren't going to be waiting for a Christmas party to do it.

 

I strongly suggest you talk to your therapist about this, because clearly your insecurities are still raging at full blast, and you are going to lose your girlfriend too if you don't get a grip on it.

[smackie9]

omg that's your depression telling you those terrible things! Just because an addicted/impulsive employee did something horrific at the party one year doesn't mean everyone will be taking turns swinging naked from the chandelier. Calm down. If spouses were invited, she would have you come along, so this is out of her control. If she doesn't go, that reflects on her boss. She's her own person, and won't be so weak like a teenager, following along with the risque behavior of one or two others. Not inviting her to your party is immature. Punishing her for something she has no control over....mmmmm keep your emotions in check or you will be spending Christmas alone.

Edited December 13, 2019 by smackie9

[2BGoodAgain]

15 minutes ago, js_77 said:

So this year is almost ending, I had the worst year of my life, my mom passed away and I'm struggling a lot. I'm still doing therapy, getting better trying to avoid depression, overcoming my insecurities and jealousy. Our relationship is improving since we're not fighting over my jealousy like it was before "but" this week things got out of my control, though my mind is a mess because of everything.

My girlfriend works in a small company and tomorroy there'll be a office party only for employees, this party is daytime, not late at night. I'm jealous because I know how these parties are, there's a lot of cheating, married people cheating with coworkers. I'm not naive, months ago she told me about her female coworker hooking up with a married man and using drugs there in their last year party. Mod cut. Last year she went and I had a fight too, anyway she told me about this party again and I started to imagine a lot of things. We had a fight because I'm not confortable with that, worried she could cheat on me.

Where I work I'll have my christmas party too but they allow spouses to go but I'm thinking about going alone too, just to her feel the way I feel!
 

 

oh man, dude... I feel for ya, and understand that kind of jealousy, but the above person is right.

 

on top of that... if you did the same thing to her, I doubt she'd be as annoyed and insecure as you are right now, b/c she doesn't suffer(I think) the same issues you do.

 

most people have a healthy amount of jealousy, but you know your jealousy is beyond the norm, so don't let your imagination/fear take control.

 

And i'll say this not to scare you, but to give you a reality check... IF your gf really wanted to cheat on you, she could do it while you're taking a dump, in the hallway and you wouldn't know anything about it.

 

To love someone means you need to trust them.. and when you trust someone... means you WILL be vulnerable to being hurt by them. I'm not saying trust blindly or love blindly... if it's obvious she's cheating on you or etc.. then yeah, you should address it, but has she done anything to make you suspect she's cheating on you.

 

Get a handle on your issues, or you WILL lose her... not to some guy, but to yourself. THEN she'll find a guy who isn't so jealous who trusts her, and loves her... and you'll be alone and still going in circles with your jealousy.

 

For your current relationship and your future love life... get a handle on this. Talk to a friend. Talk to your therapist. TRUST your gf. That is love. Otherwise, you may not be deserving of that girl.

[ThorntonMelon]

Unfortunately you are in a really, really bad place. Entirely unreasonable position without a lot of gray area.

 

If you were my SO I'd be out. Life is too short to deal with this crap. She must really love you to deal with this stuff.

 

Therapy, therapy, therapy. 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, js_77 said:

 

 

I am so sorry about your mother.   The holidays are particularly difficult when you are grieving.  

 

Office Christmas parties are always difficult to navigate.  Understand your GF can't skip it.  That would look bad & adversely affect her relationship with management.  But just because some people are badly behaved does not mean your GF will cheat or do drugs.  If she was that type of person would you really be dating her?  Try to remember that she has common sense & free will.  She is a big girl & knows how to say no.  Instead of whining & worrying, be a great BF.  Offer to pick her up after the party so she can have some cocktails & not worry about driving home.  That should ease your paranoia because you will know when she got home, without any trouble.   Try to remember that her employer's decision to have an afternoon party with employees only is a cost / business expense decision (they way they set this up is cheaper then an evening party with double the number of attendees) not a desire to foster a sexual harassment lawsuit. 

 

If your work includes SOs it would be petty & mean spirited for to omit your GF from the invitation out of spite.   You act childishly like that & you are going to find yourself dumped.  Your out of control jealously with zero foundation other then you watch too much Mad Men on television is incredibly unattractive.  Try taking the high road; she will love you all the more for trusting her. 

[caveman621]

You seem to think the party is a drug fueled orgy.  I have to believe that's your own issues that are making you feel that way.  If it's not, where does she work?  I want to apply.

[usa1ah]

It might be a alcohol/drug fueled party. Who knows. 

[usa1ah]

Sorry about your mom, we lost a brother this summer to cancer. 
 

I think you are over reacting to the party. 
 

When I have had company parties that the SO wasn’t invited to, I would only stay about an hour then go home and take my wife out on a date. Never understood why a company would do that to begin with. 
 

On a positive note, your girlfriend told you about the other couple that cheated. She would never have done this if she was planning to do the same. 
 

You need to trust her or find someone else that you do. If the trust issues are all in your head then you need to fix yourself. Who knows how much longer your girlfriend will stay with you if you keep treating her like this. 

[basil67]

Yes usa1ah, it may well be.  But that doesn't mean that the OP has reason to think she'll cheat.   

[preraph]

You are acting like a big baby.  You already know YOU have a problem with insecurity, but that doesn't keep you from trying to make this her problem.  She needs to go to this office party.  It's her job.  There is no reason to think she'll cheat and who cares who else there is carrying on?  Insecure people always create what they fear most by acting irrationally.  

[schlumpy]

Look at the evidence. Can you lay one piece of hard evidence on the table that she is cheating on you or likely to? Can you lay hard piece of circumstantial evidence on the table? If not, then you have to trust her until you have the evidence that you can't. 

 

You can't trust your feelings on this matter. They have a life of their own and they are betraying you.

 

If you think she is cheating, then take appropriate measures but have a good reason to do so. 

 

Meanwhile get to know her workmates. Let them know who you are. That may allay your fears.

 

BTW, does what you imagine happens at her Christmas party happen at your Christmas party?

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, usa1ah said:

When I have had company parties that the SO wasn’t invited to, I would only stay about an hour then go home and take my wife out on a date. Never understood why a company would do that to begin with. 

 

 

Holiday parties are expensive.   A company may want to treat their employees but not have the budget to take the employees AND their SO's out. 

 

The company that employs the OPs GF is having a party during the day in a weekday.  In that case I don't see a problem with excluding the SOs.  Now if it was on a Saturday night that is way more trouble then it's worth to make it employees only.   

 

People will always over indulge when "free" alcohol on somebody else's tab is involved.  Every office has the groper or at least the person who gets handsy after a few drinks.  In this #MeToo era you would think a company would want to avoid the possible temptations / liabilities but some folks are slow learners.   However, just because it's possible that someone will be badly behaved at a holiday get together does not mean that the OPs GF will be among them.   As somebody else pointed out, if the GF was inclined to misbehave she has 365 days a year & plenty of office closets / parking lots / after work happy hours or lunch time afternoon delights to engage in that behavior.  One holiday party will not the sole ruination of an otherwise loyal ethical person.  

 

Most of the holiday parties I have ever been to -- with and without SOs invited -- were tame affairs.  Everybody was on their best behavior because it was work after all & nobody wanted to be that co-worker.   I did work at one company that had two holiday parties.  One elegant one where the executives & their SOs would treat the clients.  I enjoyed that one very much.  Then there was the office one with staff. . .oh God.  That was debauchery at its worst.  I went one year & refused to go the next because it was so bad.  The following year they changed it to a catered lunch in the office with no alcohol & the staff almost lynched me.  I found a new job shortly after that.  

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, js_77 said:

So this year is almost ending, I had the worst year of my life, my mom passed away and I'm struggling a lot. I'm still doing therapy, getting better trying to avoid depression, overcoming my insecurities and jealousy. Our relationship is improving since we're not fighting over my jealousy like it was before "but" this week things got out of my control, though my mind is a mess because of everything.

My girlfriend works in a small company and tomorroy there'll be a office party only for employees, this party is daytime, not late at night. I'm jealous because I know how these parties are, there's a lot of cheating, married people cheating with coworkers. I'm not naive, months ago she told me about her female coworker hooking up with a married man and using drugs there in their last year party. Mod cut. Last year she went and I had a fight too, anyway she told me about this party again and I started to imagine a lot of things. We had a fight because I'm not confortable with that, worried she could cheat on me.

Where I work I'll have my christmas party too but they allow spouses to go but I'm thinking about going alone too, just to her feel the way I feel!
 

Dude, spouses have NEVER come to our office Christmas party - ever. The talk around the lunch table this past week - the spouses are all thrilled that they are not required to attend.  You are kidding yourself if you feel like you are missing out on attending your girlfriend’s office Christmas party - especially a daytime office Christmas party. 

 

Furthermore, just because her coworker behaved badly at an office Christmas party does not mean that your girlfriend will do the same. If I was your girlfriend and you came to me with these generalizations, this impression of my character, and this lack of trust, I would be less than impressed.

 

If you want to be so petty as to not invite her to your Christmas party in response, by all means. You are going to look ridiculous to your girlfriend. That’s petty and childish behavior unbecoming of a grown man in a mature relationship. 

 

I’m sorry that you’ve had a difficult year, but you need to get a handle on your insecurity and jealousy. It’s not going to serve you well in your relationship... You will indeed create that which you fear most.

Edited December 14, 2019 by BaileyB

[FMW]

My work holiday party was midday today - employees only, no guests.  Cash bar.  Most of us only stuck around for a few hours (a meal was involved) and then went our separate ways.    

 

As has been noted, if she wanted to behave badly she could do it any time, anywhere.  Either you trust her or you don't.  If you don't then the future of your relationship isn't very bright. 

 

And retaliating (for what exactly I'm not sure......) by not inviting her to your party that includes significant others is childish and frankly just mean.  You're way off base on this.  

[fromheart]

Very sorry to hear about the passing of your mother.

Sorry also for the coldness of some of the posters on here, we're not all like this.

Haven't looked at any of your other threads yet, but bereavement is one of the hardest things we will ever have to endure.  Especially if its our parent.  5 years since my father past, and I'm still recovering.

First thing you have to check in with your partner, is whether she's being supportive and understanding.  Bereavement will bring up all your issues and insecurities.  However, it can bring up your strengths also, this is what our parents really want for us.

Unless this girl has cheated on you in the past, there's nothing for you to worry about.  Try and get an activity in your life, which takes your mind off things.  Intense physical activity is the best thing going, improves mental and physical health.  Outdoors if you can, nothing like hiking to take some personal space and have some reflection.

[FMW]

5 hours ago, fromheart said:

Sorry also for the coldness of some of the posters on here

It's not coldness.  The OP posted, I would assume, looking for responses.  His thinking, to some of us, is kind of messed up and we would not be doing him any favors by giving him a pass - especially for wanting to get pay back from his girlfriend by leaving her out of his party - because he's had a crappy year.  Losing his girlfriend over pettiness and unfounded jealousy will just make things worse.  He needs to be clear about that.

 

Many of us have lost parents and understand that deep grief - but again, no one is doing him a favor by letting him think his view on this is ok.    

[fromheart]

2 hours ago, Finding my way said:

It's not coldness.

No.

Its pure coldness. 

[BaileyB]

On 12/14/2019 at 4:24 AM, fromheart said:

First thing you have to check in with your partner, is whether she's being supportive and understanding.

 

She can be supportive and understanding, and still want to go alone to her office Christmas party. 

 

I too have lost my mother, and I have great sympathy for the loss. But, OP needs to be careful here as he seems to be creating problems that do not exist. 

[fromheart]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

 

She can be supportive and understanding, and still want to go alone to her office Christmas party. 

 

I too have lost my mother, and I have great sympathy for the loss. But, OP needs to be careful here as he seems to be creating problems that do not exist. 

Of course she can, I wouldn't be bothered if a GF did anything alone.   What I wrote was meant in a generic sense.

He is creating problems that don't exist and the bereavement is exacerbating a pre existing tendency towards jealousy.  Only cure I can think of is self work, maybe for some counseling can help.

[kendahke]

Has your girlfriend ever given you a reason to believe that she would completely forget that she's in a relationship and wind up on the business end of another man's penis at her company christmas party? Is she already that kind of chick?

 

I've lost my mother this year, too, and the thought of being this vindictive, petty and distrusting by projecting what others do onto the person who loves me, as if a coworker's cheating is his fault, is the one course of action/behavior that has yet to cross my mind.

[usa1ah]

On 12/13/2019 at 5:10 PM, basil67 said:

Yes usa1ah, it may well be.  But that doesn't mean that the OP has reason to think she'll cheat.   

He might have a reason that he is choosing not to disclose with us.

 

With what he has posted I don’t think she is a cheater. 

[smackie9]

I'm guessing the party has come and gone, and all is forgotten.