Throwaway4622 Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 7 weeks after break up and ive been all over the internet reading everything, and its hard to find stories similar to mine. we were together 9 years me ( 39m) dumpee and (32f ) dumper. We have a 4.5 year old and constant contact since break up , its stems from feelings, child talk and making plans. I pleaded a couple times in the first couple weeks but now just mostly talk about positive changes, i get some compliments but theres still a distant feel, i see her in the angry stage still. I’ve cut texting down as much as i can but with a child its hard and get drawn in these texting conversations that lead to things about us. i told her the other night as she was staying over cause i have hockey to watch our kid, that its best if we give each other space, stop sex and keep contact to about our child. That involves maybe separate outings with our daughter but continue our xmas tradition with her family as planned. Instantly she she said “no i wanna come with you guys” and “we dont have to speak through my mom or anything “. She said “its nice to see you not selfish “. So next day she texts me after work and i keep it brief and say she can call our daughter later to say goodnight. Then it leads to “ no i need someone to talk to etc etc and I'm baited into a bunch of texting that leads to not really great stuff about us and how she doesn’t think ill change etc. i started therapy right away, lost 20 lbs, cut negative things from my life and engaged in healthy hobbies and being a great father and planning things for the 3 of us to do a couple times a week. now she says i can keep the condo and not go to a lawyer or anything. Also always saying she’s confused and really misses our daughter but never me and can be cold to me at times. Her living situation is at her moms half the time on the couch and our condo the other half, also still chipping in her small share of the mortgage. i feel like i can never get her back but it also feels like she’s holding out to see where and how I change. She said i hope you stay this way. But has said at times she wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for our daughter. Really if this is a done deal, our live will be turned upside down and really the kid suffers. could she be waiting it out in hopes of a better future as a family or just being friends out of guilt? the break up was a bad fight and the last year has had constant bickering about a lot of issues we never dealt with properly, now the air is cleared and ive presented solutions And done things ive should’ve taken care of years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 You share a child. NC is never an option for you. You also have a mortgage to figure out. You need to make arrangements to sell the condo or buy her out immediately. As long as she is an owner things will get stickier later. Plus in her shoes if she's not living there she shouldn't have to risk you ruining her credit by not paying. I am not suggesting you would do that but it should always be a financial concern. She probably needs the liquidity. Until you get the above straighten out keep the lines of communication open. For your child's sake be as civil as possible. Do stop the sex & communications about your relationship. Keep the discussions to practical things but be gracious. For example, you can wish each other happy holidays etc. There is no need to be mean. Make sure your child "buys" the other parent / your EX & her family appropriate holiday gifts. You will also need to work out child custody & support. Do not take her word for it. Get everything committed to paper. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Throwaway4622 Posted December 13, 2019 Author Share Posted December 13, 2019 3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: You share a child. NC is never an option for you. You also have a mortgage to figure out. You need to make arrangements to sell the condo or buy her out immediately. As long as she is an owner things will get stickier later. Plus in her shoes if she's not living there she shouldn't have to risk you ruining her credit by not paying. I am not suggesting you would do that but it should always be a financial concern. She probably needs the liquidity. Until you get the above straighten out keep the lines of communication open. For your child's sake be as civil as possible. Do stop the sex & communications about your relationship. Keep the discussions to practical things but be gracious. For example, you can wish each other happy holidays etc. There is no need to be mean. Make sure your child "buys" the other parent / your EX & her family appropriate holiday gifts. You will also need to work out child custody & support. Do not take her word for it. Get everything committed to paper. I have all the plans in place for selling etc. Ive been really civil and a better person and have been caring for our child 75% of the time. I understand all the above things that need to be done but we have agreed that we would wait 6 months before doing so. Also the home is in my name, we’re common law and we have 2 years to share property and debts. Im actually wondering if it seems like we can reconcile not really the logistics of breaking up with a child and mortgage Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 She sees you starting the move on process (losing weight, starting to want to talk less etc) and this is giving her doubts about her decision. Seeing you move on first (if that happens) will be somewhat painful for her. No specific advice, that's just what I see from your post. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 What do you mean you are common law? All but like 5 - 7 states abolished common law marriage 3 + decades ago. Living together means just that -- you live together. You may be co-parents but you have no other legal obligations or rights other then those you contracted for then any other 2 strangers. If you want to reconcile have you identified what caused you to break up in the first place? What steps have been undertaken to remedy those issues? If you haven't fixed what went wrong, what is the point of going backwards? That said, if you are talking & communicating civilly, especially since you were having sex, there is always hope for reconciliation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Throwaway4622 Posted December 13, 2019 Author Share Posted December 13, 2019 7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: What do you mean you are common law? All but like 5 - 7 states abolished common law marriage 3 + decades ago. Living together means just that -- you live together. You may be co-parents but you have no other legal obligations or rights other then those you contracted for then any other 2 strangers. If you want to reconcile have you identified what caused you to break up in the first place? What steps have been undertaken to remedy those issues? If you haven't fixed what went wrong, what is the point of going backwards? That said, if you are talking & communicating civilly, especially since you were having sex, there is always hope for reconciliation. We’re Canadian, so after 2 years living together you’re considered married. Im working on the issues, i guess i over think things and am looking for other opinions if they see this could possibly reconcile or it’s doomed. Also with having a child together, we have that bond thats worth trying for so i hope she sees its worth it. She says its worth giving it time so thats good Link to post Share on other sites
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