How do I break up the right way?

[fishtaco]

In an LTR for many years. We don't have severe problems like domestic violence, gambling problems, drugs, or even infidelity. We are just two people with our personality quirks and we are not compatible. Cue many years and a thousand paper cuts later, I'm ready to call it quits. I just don't have it in me anymore to wade through another argument about something that's minor to one of us, but a big deal to the other.

At this point I'm in this relationship, hanging on by my nails, because I don't want to hurt her feelings. So I've been thinking about this for awhile now. I didn't break up with her earlier in the year because one of her family members passed away and she was devastated. Then Thanksgiving, and now Christmas. She's very family oriented so these holidays are a big deal to her. If Christmas weren't coming I'd start the conversation about this with her... maybe even tonight, because unsurprisingly we just had another disagreement, and I'm feeling the lack of energy to deal with it, as usual.

And yes, I tried talking to her about our incompatibilities before. But we also have communication problems so we typically can't get through serious conversations. Our thinking process and choice of words are very different, and the other person tend to take it the wrong way, especially now after a thousand paper cuts, are are both in hyper sensitivity mode. The end result is, there are no compromises, because we can't reach any. So there's only coping. The problem with coping is that you become resentful. And that's where I am, but I can't speak for her, maybe she's okay with coping, I don't know. There's probably a way forward. We've used a therapist before that sucked, but we can maybe try to get another better one. But, as I mentioned earlier, I ran out of gas. I have no more efforts to give. And therapists can't do the work for you; even if we have the best therapist in the world, I don't have it in me to do any more work.

So, is it a good idea to wait until after the holidays? Should I just come out and talk about it, potentially blind-siding her with it? Although she knows I'm unhappy already, but having an inkling about this and having it actually happen is still very shocking I believe.

We also live together, and she has much more thing at the house than my things (I own the house). I'm a minimalist, she sees sentimental value in everything (what a surprise, we are opposites at everything), so It'll be a major effort for her to move out. So what do I do? Do I go sleep on my friend's sofa until she moves her stuff out? She has very bad time management skills so it'll probably take her a long time to move out. Would it be s***ty for me to give her a timeline to move out? See, I've done this long enough to know if I present it as a deadline or timeline then I'm an insensitive jerk... But I can't not talk about it and end up sleeping at my friend's for the next four months just so I won't be an insensitive jerk. So how do I have this conversation? Maybe there are other issues that I haven't thought of? Thanks for any thoughts or tips.

[K.K.]

FishTaco you probably don’t remember me but I spent a lot of nights here years ago (kind of drunk probably) and you were so cool. Anyway, Hiiiiii !  (I’m not drunk don’t worry) 

 

I don’t want to go into a lot of long winded crap, I mean you sound like you’re done and just want to get out the kindest way possible, right? 

 

I’d wait till after Christmas. Because if you don’t, that’s going to be something she remembers years later very painfully. I know because it happened to me. People always break up at Christmas. I think because they can’t stand the thought of A) having to pretend to the families that things are great and B) who wants to spend money on somebody they’re going to dump. (It’s a thing. Google ) 

 

That’s all I have for now. I’ll give it some thought later. 

[The Outlaw]

There really isn't a right way to breakup with anyone, but just tell her that you just no longer feel the two of you are no longer compatible and wish her luck. You have to do whatever is right for you. And no, I don't think it'd be sh*tty to give her a timetable to move out. But heck, if you want her out sooner, help her move. But wait to break it off with her until after the New Year. It will still hurt her, but it may hurt a little less that way. 

[schlumpy]

Ok, you've convinced that you are done.

 

You can wait till after the holidays but how are you going to get through them knowing what is at the end? Are you that good at faking it?

 

I would start talking about it right away. I don't know how long it will take for her to wrap her mind around the breakup but the sooner the better. Let her grieve and sort her way through it and after the acceptance she may be able to help you plan the exit.

 

It may help for you to provide the resources she needs to move and could your friends help move her out? I assume you don't hate her or want her to suffer. It's just the relationship has run its course for you.

[fishtaco]

2 hours ago, K.K. said:

FishTaco you probably don’t remember me but I spent a lot of nights here years ago (kind of drunk probably) and you were so cool. Anyway, Hiiiiii !  (I’m not drunk don’t worry)

 

What do you mean by "were"? I'm still cool. But seriously, I feel very surprised and complimented that you remember me in a positive way. Thank you. I was under the impression that some people here hated me so much they wanted to murder me.

 

Thank you and Outlaw & schlumpy. I decided I will wait until after new years.

 

And schlumpy, to answer your question, no I do not hate her at all. In fact if I could make this better for her in anyway I would. Nothing against her, I'm not even saying it's her fault or she should have done this or that. This is either both our faults or none of our faults. I just need to get out. But I know her, she's very hard-headed, she will refuse any help I offer. But her family is local, she's got better support system than I do. So the only thing I can help is to give her the time to do it, but at the same time I'm no saint, so I don't want this moving out to go on for four months either.

 

[Highndry]

Call me The Grinch but I sure wouldn't wait until after the New Year. Why put yourself through weeks of trauma to save her grief? I guess I just envision myself having to go through a Christmas with my gf's family when I no longer love her. That sounds positively awful. You're done, and I'd have the conversation right now. "Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting." Think I'll play that song.

[fishtaco]

6 hours ago, Highndry said:

Call me The Grinch but I sure wouldn't wait until after the New Year. Why put yourself through weeks of trauma to save her grief? I guess I just envision myself having to go through a Christmas with my gf's family when I no longer love her. That sounds positively awful. You're done, and I'd have the conversation right now. "Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting." Think I'll play that song.

 

Thank you for your insight. Although I've been living with the one thousand paper cuts for along time already. I think I would tank it for a few more weeks if that could potentially make her feel better. I agree with you if we haven't been together that long. But we do have a long history, and I think that's worth a few more weeks of frustration.

[d0nnivain]

18 hours ago, fishtaco said:

We also live together, and she has much more thing at the house than my things (I own the house). I'm a minimalist, she sees sentimental value in everything (what a surprise, we are opposites at everything), so It'll be a major effort for her to move out. So what do I do? Do I go sleep on my friend's sofa until she moves her stuff out? She has very bad time management skills so it'll probably take her a long time to move out. Would it be s***ty for me to give her a timeline to move out? See, I've done this long enough to know if I present it as a deadline or timeline then I'm an insensitive jerk... But I can't not talk about it and end up sleeping at my friend's for the next four months just so I won't be an insensitive jerk. So how do I have this conversation? Maybe there are other issues that I haven't thought of? Thanks for any thoughts or tips.

 

 

You live together so a break up will take more then a conversation.   

 

Don't do it before Christmas but perhaps start the conversation the weekend between Christmas & New Years.  You want to plant the seed that 2020 will be different.   Say something along the lines of you need a change & this relationship isn't working for you any more so it's time to end things.  Don't get into the specifics of all those thousands of papercuts as you put it but stick firm to it's over.  

 

You do give her a deadline but it's got to be realistic since she has to find a new place to live.  End of January at the earliest, 30 days. Don't tell her this is upfront but also don't unreasonably withhold consent for a short extension so if was there until mid February that's not so terrible.  

 

To give yourself busy & sane, working toward this goal & to compensate for her time management skills do some of the leg work for her.  Get a list of 3-4 moving companies & their prices.  Give her a current  (as in valid the day before) of available apartments in the area that she can go look.  Offer to help her pack.  Heck offer to pay for the mover just to be done with her.  

 

While she is still there, relegate her to the spare room or the couch but do not keep sharing a bed.  You do not be the one to be inconvenienced.  You want to make your home inhospitable so she has incentive to leave.  Don't be rude though.  

[lana-banana]

Do not wait. The sooner you do this, the better. You are not going to want to put on a brave face during the holidays; you'll know something is wrong, and everyone else will be able to sense it too. Besides, she can use the time off to mope, mourn, and heal, and seek solace with her family. (She can drown her sorrows with eggnog and cookies, too.) If she's going to be blindsided by the breakup it would be cruel and unusual to do it after you've spent a few weeks doing the kind of holiday stuff she's so sentimental about.

 

When my husband broke up with his live-in ex-girlfriend he just slept on the couch until they figured out how they would dissolve their assets, which ended up being a 2-month process. They managed to be cordial and even friendly but of course it was hard for her. He did his best to be gentlemanly about it and helped her find movers, took the brunt of the financial hit, etc. He was fully moved out in a new place at around 30 days and she moved out at 60. 

 

And above all, do NOT have the breakup conversation at home. You are guaranteed to end up in a 10-hour marathon conversation about where you went wrong, what you can do better, how she can fix it, and so on. That is not what you want and will just be more agonizing for you both. Do it someplace in public in the morning and then leave for a bit - maybe make sure she has a friend she can visit for a little while - and go home later when you're ready. Even giving her just a few hours to digest it on her own will make a huge difference.

[d0nnivain]

4 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

Do not wait. The sooner you do this, the better. You are not going to want to put on a brave face during the holidays; you'll know something is wrong, and everyone else will be able to sense it too. 

 

 

I just don't see how the logistics would work.  He tells her today that he wants to break up.  They live together.  She's not going to be able to get out that fast.  What are they supposed to do, wake up Christmas morning & not talk ? 

 

I agree with telling her outside of the house then giving her time to digest.  

Edited December 15, 2019 by d0nnivain

[Berteau]

I think after Christmas and sometime in january close to New Years  is perfect.  You get through the holidays and then are moving in to the next year , while reflecting on the past year.

[lana-banana]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

 

 

I just don't see how the logistics would work.  He tells her today that he wants to break up.  They live together.  She's not going to be able to get out that fast.  What are they supposed to do, wake up Christmas morning & not talk ? 

 

I agree with telling her outside of the house then giving her time to digest.  

 

He can go hang out with friends or family for a few days, or she can go be with her family. Worst case scenario he gets a hotel room. They certainly don't have to spend Christmas together. It is heinous to spend a holiday together pretending everything is fine, only to blindside her later. 

 

It's not uncommon to live with someone for a few weeks after you've made a decision to separate. I don't see why you would drag this out. 

[d0nnivain]

46 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

 

He can go hang out with friends or family for a few days, or she can go be with her family. Worst case scenario he gets a hotel room.

.

It is heinous to spend a holiday together pretending everything is fine, only to blindside her later. 

 

It's not uncommon to live with someone for a few weeks after you've made a decision to separate. I don't see why you would drag this out. 

 

 

It's HIS house.  I really don't like the idea of him having to leave.   

 

I'm not talking about dragging it out.  She has to have some sense things are bad.  At best there will be a definite chill in the air not caused by the season.   

 

But there is something to be said for kindness, not kicking a person when they are down.  If he can limp along for two weeks. . . seriously that is all we're talking about here & then say "I tried" I think that would be the only way to offer this blow some minimal cushioning.  

 

Either way I agree that he can't fake everything is perfect for the holidays then blindside her & this has dragged on long enough.  

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

If the relationship isn't amicable, why would you ever even consider the idea of it ending amicably? 

 

Get in touch with her parents/relatives, explain to them it isn't working out, have them come over for the holidays and when they leave, they take her with them, rip that band aid right off and don't look back.

[fishtaco]

Thank you all for your responses. Gave me a lot to think about... I really want to do this the right way... as right as possible. But Capslock is right. There's no way to end this amicably, but still, I'd like to do my best... for me. Years later, when I think back, I can say.... I did my best, and I wasn't a dick regardless of the circumstances.

[d0nnivain]

fishtaco 

 

You keep repeating that you want to do this "right".  The only right way to do this is amicably.  By that I mean don't be abrupt or cruel. A break up always hurts but you need to leave her some dignity & you need to be compassionate.  It doesn't matter if she doesn't deserve that kindness you give it to her because you are a good person.   You already said the holidays are important to her so I do not see how breaking up with her on Christmas is anything other then mean spirited.  She has this holiday she loves & you want to destroy it & forever taint it with bad memories.   

Some guy dumped me on my parents' wedding anniversary.  It took me almost a decade to not cry.  Every year on the day my parents celebrated their love for each other I was reminded that he kicked me in the teeth that day.  It's not like Christmas which is a whole season so I only got in on the day & maybe the 1st few years the day leading up to it but still he ruined it for me.   I never wanted the guy back & because it wasn't working for him he did the right thing breaking up with me but still I will never forget the anniversary of being dumped. I doubt he even realized it was my parents' anniversary even though he & I were scheduled to have dinner with them later that day.   Still in the beginning I firmly believed he did it on purpose to be particularly cruel.  Don't be my EX. 

 

As for the suggestion that you get her parents involved, that would be a big HELL NO.  Unless you still have the word "teen" in your ages, her relationship is none of her parents' business unless she choses to include them.  For you to reach out is plain wrong.  She's an adult.  She will figure this out her way.  Dragging third parties into your relationship or breakup is immature.  Don't do it! 

 

However if you are no longer inclined to wait,  you gotta tell her today so she has at least 9 days to figure out how she's gonna get through Christmas with a  broken heart.  You also have to give her a reasonable amount of time -- no less then 30 days -- to move out.  There are practical considerations here.  It's not going to be that easy to find an apartment or movers over the holidays.   

[Piddy]

I'd wait until after the Holidays.  Breaking up the 'right way' for me would be having the dumper be very considerate of the dumpee.  What does that mean?  Well for me it would mean doing it in a compassionate way.  If you ever loved her, tell her that.  But also tell her why you think that you're not compatible.  I'd use your 'paper cuts' analogy.  No matter what you say she's going to be very hurt.  

 

But years later she should appreciate your effort for doing it in a nice manner.   When I was dumped I never got a breakup talk.  She just never came home one night.  Decades later I still wish I got a breakup talk.  So I'm left wondering what happened.  Again, she may not appreciate it now, but down the road she most likely will .  I know I would. 

[Lotsgoingon]

 

There is no good time for a breakup. Thinking there is such a time is misguided. You tell her when you are ready to tell her. There will be no time she will be ready to hear you.

 

There is always some event coming up that could justify a delay. There's Christmas ... or ... she's busy with a big project at work ... or her mom is sick ... There is NEVER an ideal time to tell someone you want to dump them, that you no longer enjoy living with them and being partnered with them. Any time will announce you want to break up will be unbearably, achingly painful for her. Any moment you announce will disrupt her world and her life--inescapably so, inevitably so. And btw: let's say you delay

 

Where did you get the idea that there was some ideal time to break up? Or that you can somehow avoid hurting her feelings. I mean, really? You think there is some way to avoid hurting her feelings? Puh-lease!

 

I mean, you avoid all the obvious--name calling, humiliation ... petty meanness ... I assume you have those basics covered. You can be kind in lots of small ways ... As we were separating, I helped my ex deal with an auto mechanic who she was intimidated by. I gave her directions to get her own car insurance policy. I later called and reminded her that she needed her own policy (she had forgotten). There are all kinds of little details you might be able to help her with as you separate. 

 

But my breakup hurt like a mother ... for her and for me (and I was the initiator).  And your breakup with hurt like a mother. But this is not the hurt of maliciously inflicted aggression or the hurt of cheating on someone and having your partner discover this. The hurt of romantic separation is part of the risk of getting close to someone--this hurt cannot be avoided. It's part and parcel of love. 

 

Tell her as soon as you're ready ... There is no right time. And dude, if you really think there is some way to break up without hurting her feelings, then please work on that fallacy as you move. 

 

 

 

 

[fishtaco]

On 12/16/2019 at 5:42 AM, d0nnivain said:

You keep repeating that you want to do this "right".  The only right way to do this is amicably.  By that I mean don't be abrupt or cruel. A break up always hurts but you need to leave her some dignity & you need to be compassionate.  It doesn't matter if she doesn't deserve that kindness you give it to her because you are a good person.   You already said the holidays are important to her so I do not see how breaking up with her on Christmas is anything other then mean spirited.  She has this holiday she loves & you want to destroy it & forever taint it with bad memories.  

 

Yes, I've decided to wait until after the holidays. Although I admit this is really hard for me. We had an unusually great Sunday. I was thinking, man.... if this keeps going I wouldn't want to break up with her anymore. But unsurprisingly it didn't last. Starting Monday it went back to normal, and tonight she's upset at me for something I have no idea about. And you know, maybe I deserve it. Maybe I am a piece of s***. But if just by being myself I'm a piece of s*** then I'm doing both of us a favor by breaking up. I really wanted to break up with her tonight. But I didn't. I made sure I didn't lose my temper, I didn't escalate anything, and just carry on as much as I can. I'm dedicated to not breaking up with her before the holidays.

 

On 12/16/2019 at 5:05 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

There is no good time for a breakup. Thinking there is such a time is misguided. You tell her when you are ready to tell her. There will be no time she will be ready to hear you.

 

You are right, but Christmas is special for her. So I've decided to follow the camp that says I should wait. If it's going to be s*** no matter what, then waiting until after Christmas should be no different, same s***. The worst case scenario is I made it harder for me for no good reason. But the best case scenario is I made the break up a tiny bit better for her and she didn't associate it with Christmas. So I'm willing to make this gamble.

 

I didn't think this would be a painless breakup. That's not possible. It's going to be painful even for me and I'm the initiator; I'm the one that had enough. I'm just trying to make it less painful for her, one tiny bit less painful.

 

But thank you all for your comments.

[schlumpy]

Good luck FishTaco. I don't envy the position you are in but I am encouraged that your thinking is clear enough to make a firm decision. Please let us know how it turns out.

[d0nnivain]

Best wishes.  FWIW I commend you for taking the high road here.  You don't want to break up in the heat of the moment during a fight.  Then she will think that this isn't a well thought out decision; she may think reconciliation is possible. 

 

Her being nice is like right before you get a hair cut, you have a fabulous hair day.  It's not the norm & you still need the cut / break up. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I hate to tell you this ... but ... as soon as you break up with her (assuming this hits her by surprise) all activity in the previous months ... all fun ... and joy ... gets canceled out.  Kinda retroactively canceled out.  If she learns that you delayed, she could easily  look back on Christmas as a fraudulent happiness, happiness brought about only because she didn't know what you were feeling. This is why it never really pays to wait.

 

This sense of being manipulated--oh, let her get through Christmas--can easily backfire and produce bitterness. It's one thing to have someone dump us ... we'll be devastated of course. But (hopefully this won't happen) she could easily feel that you were lying to her during Christmas season ... that any fun moments were based on a lie ... and her own joy was based on ignorance and a lie.

 

Having said all of that, I'm going to now reverse course and tell you something ... Something about the way you describe things with this person ... makes me think there is a good chance she's expecting to break up ... And she'll be upset, but kinda braced for the breakup. 

 

Good luck.  Just do not expect her to feel grateful that you delayed dumping her. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[K.K.]

Hi fish-taco 🙂

Any updates on this? 

Hope you’re well, 

kk.