So angry at my husband!

[major_merrick]

I've been married for almost two years, and my husband and I have been close friends most of our lives.  We don't fight.  At least, not anymore.  Haven't had a fight since we married, but that changed today.  My husband, knowing my background, should understand how I feel but he doesn't seem to get it.

Last night, some guys came to see my husband and they talked with him for most of the evening.  He's been offered a job - one which I think he should absolutely refuse.  Our county sheriff is in poor health and while he was seeking re-election next year he is no longer able to do so.  The chief deputy doesn't want to run, and has asked my husband to be the candidate.  My husband is popular in this area.  People have asked him to run before, and he would stand a good chance of winning.  I have multiple problems with this:

 

1.  The job is crap.  He'd make less than half of his current salary.

2.  I really dislike cops.  I don't want to be married to one. 

3.  He'd have to give up his position in our faith community due to conflict of interest. 

4.  Danger.  Aside from the obvious, this area is very corrupt.  My husband is honest.  He'll make enemies. 

 

My husband doesn't have long to decide, and he is strongly considering saying yes.  He feels that the other candidate is a threat to our way of life, and wants to do the best he can for our county and our community.  I think his heart is in the right place, but his judgement is awful.  I told him my objections, but it didn't make a difference.  His other partners are either indifferent or think it is OK.  Our community elders have told him to go for it if he is willing.  If he decides to do it, he'll give up his authority in our community and be sworn in as a reserve sheriff's deputy to get  experience prior to the election next November. 

I haven't been this mad at him since he married his ex-wife.  For him to become a sheriff feels like a betrayal of everything that I am.  I was so mad I slept on the couch last night, and I haven't wanted to talk to him all day.   WHY doesn't he get it?  I don't know what to do at this point.  I'm not considering leaving, but if he does this I'm not sure what I can do so that I can stay comfortably. 

[preraph]

Well, probably all you'd have to do to keep him from getting elected is expose your polygamous lifestyle to the public.  There certainly are some who like you and want that lifestyle protected but I bet they're in the minority.  

[K.K.]

MM - every time I read another one of your posts I’m just left sitting here with my jaw hanging open. Your life is WOW. 

 

I have no advice. Hell im not even in the same league. Good luck girlfriend. That sounds like a tough spot. 

[alphamale]

you should stand by what your husband decides, it's his life

[basil67]

To counter your arguments

1. Job satisfaction is worth more than money.  If he finds that the job suits him, then he will be better for it

2. He feels he's got the personality to be a sheriff, the other men around feel he's got the personality and your community elders see the same thing too.  If he's got the kind of personality required to be a sheriff, then becoming one won't change who he is.   He will be exactly the same man you married, but simply wearing different clothes.  Perhaps he can show you that not all cops are bad.

3. He would still be a respected leader and man of influence in your community.

4. He may be one of those special people who can help to find commonality and reduce conflict. 

[schlumpy]

I sympathize with your distress. You just started to feel at home. Emotionally safe for the first time in your life? Just a guess on my part. I wouldn't say that he doesn't care about your opinion it's more like your vote doesn't count as much because it's diluted. There are other wives that get a say.

 

I think from your point of view these are good arguments but consider if the other candidate wins and feels he has to eliminate the political threat your husband represents. He could bring in outside law enforcement they perhaps would not be willing to look the other way as the locals do. Bigamy is still against the law as well as polygamy. I haven't read about a case being prosecuted in years but if someone doesn't like you, I guarantee they will use it against you. It would be better if your husband was at the top of the heap rather then someone that sees him as a threat to his authority and power.

 

This is one of those moments where you grow or you stay the same. May I suggest that your husband needs and would welcome your support? Take what time you need to grieve but show him you are with him through thick and thin. It's all we really have in life and that's each other.

[central]

1 hour ago, alphamale said:

you should stand by what your husband decides, it's his life

I completely disagree with this advice. It's not 1920 any more. Why shouldn't HE accept HER reservations and not do something that could destroy the relationship? His decisions affect her life significantly, and she feels very strongly about this.

Edited December 14, 2019 by central

[Happy Lemming]

What is the opinion of the other 3 wives in the household??

 

Just curious...

[basil67]

10 minutes ago, central said:

I completely disagree with this advice. It's not 1920 any more. Why shouldn't HE accept HER reservations and not do something that could destroy the relationship? His decisions affect her life significantly, and she feels very strongly about this.

 

She has no say because she lives in a household where it's culturally accepted that the man is leader and decision maker.    Your comment would only be true in egalitarian households.  

[alphamale]

12 minutes ago, central said:

I completely disagree with this advice. It's not 1920 any more. Why shouldn't HE accept HER reservations and not do something that could destroy the relationship? His decisions affect her life significantly, and she feels very strongly about this.

haven't you ever heard the song Stand By Your Man by Tammy Wynette?? 

[central]

2 minutes ago, alphamale said:

haven't you ever heard the song Stand By Your Man by Tammy Wynette?? 

Of course I've heard that song and its antiquated nonsense - but can still like the song if not the concept.

[elaine567]

I would be a bit wary of the endorsement of the other community elders. 
If your husband is taken out of the game now and in the future then I guess there will be jostling for power in the community.
With him having no authority in the community, where does that leave you and your children?

[basil67]

MM, if you leave, I'm assuming you won't be able to take your children.   And if your girlfriends go too, would they also have to leave theirs behind?

[lana-banana]

What? Your marriage/domestic situation is in violation of the law. I'm not judging here, it's just very obvious that your husband can't take that role without putting your entire family (and the cult) in danger. Even if you weren't in a corrupt area, it would take all of ten seconds before any opponents raised your circumstances to state/federal authorities, who aren't going to look kindly on this - especially if minors are involved. None of this makes any sense unless he's trying to trigger another Waco.

[alphamale]

47 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

What? Your marriage/domestic situation is in violation of the law. I'm not judging here, it's just very obvious that your husband can't take that role without putting your entire family (and the cult) in danger. Even if you weren't in a corrupt area, it would take all of ten seconds before any opponents raised your circumstances to state/federal authorities, who aren't going to look kindly on this - especially if minors are involved. None of this makes any sense unless he's trying to trigger another Waco.

boy talk about going for the jugular l-b

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

1 hour ago, lana-banana said:

What? Your marriage/domestic situation is in violation of the law. I'm not judging here, it's just very obvious that your husband can't take that role without putting your entire family (and the cult) in danger. Even if you weren't in a corrupt area, it would take all of ten seconds before any opponents raised your circumstances to state/federal authorities, who aren't going to look kindly on this - especially if minors are involved. None of this makes any sense unless he's trying to trigger another Waco.

 

In addition to this, does he even have any law enforcement experience?  Can someone become the head guy of a corrupt/crime-ridden county with no experience?  

 

You should write a novel.

[alphamale]

1 hour ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

 

In addition to this, does he even have any law enforcement experience?  Can someone become the head guy of a corrupt/crime-ridden county with no experience?  

 

You should write a novel.

any man with four wives has got the experience to do almost anything

[Art_Critic]

6 hours ago, major_merrick said:

 For him to become a sheriff feels like a betrayal of everything that I am.

 

What about what he is, what you are has nothing to do with him. He is his own individual and it seems he is okay with it rather than being a betrayal to himself.

 

Breath... if he does this it won't change who he is and you will still be the same person too...

 

 

[Art_Critic]

3 hours ago, central said:

I completely disagree with this advice. It's not 1920 any more. Why shouldn't HE accept HER reservations and not do something that could destroy the relationship? His decisions affect her life significantly, and she feels very strongly about this.

 

He isn't treating her like it's the 1920's, he is an individual who is making a decision based on how he feels about himself.. he certainly is considering what she says.. just because he doesn't follow what she wants him to do doesn't mean he is mistreating her or ignoring her..

 

Edited December 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[major_merrick]

Let me put this straight for those who still don't get it - bigamy/polygamy is only illegal if the marriages are LEGALLY done.  Meaning, filed with the government, claimed on your taxes, etc...  Otherwise everybody who cheats on their spouse, has kids with multiple women, or has two girlfriends would be committing a crime.  By the letter of the law, we are perfectly legal.  When it comes to the law, our medical insurance, and things of that nature we are more like boyfriend/girlfriend.  No legal recognition.  It is God who sees us as husband and wife, and so does our community.  Our neighbors and others around here understand.  My husband hasn't been secret about it, and so I doubt it would make him less electable.  I would be thankful if it did!!!!  Our lifestyle here is seen by the rest of the county as quirky, but non-threatening.  We live normally, not like a bunch of weirdos in a compound.  We just happen to be a bit more religious and self-sufficient than most.

 

My husband does not have law enforcement experience.  However, he has spent time in the military, was in security for many years, and has assisted law enforcement in our county in the past.  I suspect that one reason the chief deputy wants him is because my husband prevented him from being seriously hurt or even killed during an arrest - an incident that many in our county remember well.  If my husband says yes to being the candidate, he will be sworn in as a reserve deputy and will have completed criminal justice coursework prior to election time.  He'll have the "socially acceptable" training for the job.  However, you CAN be elected as a county sheriff with zero training - sheriffs are elected officials, not appointed.  As awful as the other candidate is, I suspect a shirt stuffed with straw could win the election.  IDK why they can't find somebody else besides my husband to run. 

 

If/when my husband resigns his spot as our community's security leader, his #2 will serve out the remainder of his term.  In our community, it is an elected position, so there wouldn't be any jostling for power.  I still don't like the thought.  To see my husband take off one uniform and put on another just feels like some Benedict Arnold crap.  Shouldn't his priority be our family and our community, rather than the county or the rest of society?  And it is like I'm the only one in the family who sees it this way.  The other three wives are either positive or indifferent.  My GFs are actually encouraging him, but then they grew up in a law enforcement family so I wasn't really expecting them to oppose it.   Still, IDK why they don't get that I feel this way.  Where I grew up, police were abusive.  I got beaten half to death by a cop, and I still have scars from it.  My mind knows that my husband will still be the same person, but if I ever see a badge on his shirt my instinct will tell me to run for my life.  Does he just not get the panic that would make me feel?  Or does he get it and not care?

[basil67]

I suspect that he's working using logic.  He thinks you should be able to separate your past history from the current choices of the man you've chosen as your husband.

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, major_merrick said:

  The other three wives are either positive or indifferent.  My GFs are actually encouraging him, but then they grew up in a law enforcement family so I wasn't really expecting them to oppose it.  

So how are major decisions made in a polygamy family??  Is it put to a vote??

[schlumpy]

I hope Major that you did not have the impression that I felt your life was weird. It isn't what I would choose, but you are welcome to it and we can be friends and neighbors as long as you're not trying to force me to conform to your viewpoints and you aren't. Now lets talk about your legal status.

 

If you've been paying attention the last couple of years you will have noticed that the Democrats are trying to convict the President without any solid evidence of a crime. If someone in authority wants to put the heat on you they can claim you are a threat to the community. What does that mean? It means whatever they want it to mean. At a minimum it brings you under investigation where they can fish for something that is a crime. Very few of us can withstand that type of scrutiny so don't dismiss it and think you've found a loophole. 

[FMW]

You've posted many times about how serious your husband takes his responsibilities in the community and in your family.  It seems likely that he's considering what kind of difference he could make if he became Sheriff, and as you said, he sees the existing candidate as a threat.  

 

Your unhappiness with this is understandable, but maybe try to use the understanding and respect you've had for his decision making in the past to look at this in a different way.  His consideration of running isn't an attack or betrayal to you - it's your emotional reaction that makes you feel that way.  As a man who takes responsibility and duty seriously he cannot make decisions based on your emotions.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

10 hours ago, major_merrick said:

Does he just not get the panic that would make me feel?  Or does he get it and not care?

 

I would guess he doesn't get it.  Have you been diagnosed with PTSD?

 

I think you could be underestimating the negative feelings folks would have about electing someone with such an alternative lifestyle to this position.  Surely not everyone in the whole county already knows you guys and how you life your life.  Once word gets out, stereotypes will exist, and he may not win the election as easily as you think.