So angry at my husband!

[schlumpy]

Major:

 

I was watching "Full Measure" this morning and one of the segments was about the illegal use of surveillance and search warrants. You might be interested. 

[central]

14 hours ago, major_merrick said:

Where I grew up, police were abusive.  I got beaten half to death by a cop, and I still have scars from it.  My mind knows that my husband will still be the same person, but if I ever see a badge on his shirt my instinct will tell me to run for my life.  Does he just not get the panic that would make me feel?  Or does he get it and not care?

 

Have you told him exactly this since the opportunity for him has developed? Has he given you a response?

[Poutrew]

Hate to say it, but if he does this thing, and since all the other gals are totally for it, this may be the time to bow out and exit, stage left.  If only for your own sanity. Perhaps you should tell him this is a true deal breaker for you...

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

When you choose to marry someone, you do not just choose to marry the person they are but also the person who they will become.

[Artdeco]

I force myself to take many of MM's posts with a grain of salt, but let me say this:

 

If your H has half a brain, he'll take your advice to NOT do it.

 

Why?

 

1) Making less money with a big family to feed. Bad idea.

2) IF he gets the job, he'll be more or less a public figure, and you know what happens to those. You piss one or two people off, and they'll come after you. With his lifestyle, he will be an easy target, if he's really that prominent in the community. They'll dig up every piece of dirt there is (even if there's none, they will find something (embarrassing)). And you, him, and your family will be publicly exposed. If you don't care, I am sure your kids will.

 

I am pretty sure he knows all of the above and hence won't accept.   

 

[Watercolors]

50 minutes ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

When you choose to marry someone, you do not just choose to marry the person they are but also the person who they will become.

 

This 100%. My grandparents were married from age 16 until thy both died (my grandfather died at 101, my grandmother at 99). Both of them changed throughout their marriage, as people do. 

We biologically and developmentally change from birth to death. This is not a revelation, but a fact. This is what I don't understand about people in relationships. They expect the person they first met, to stay that way for the duration of their relationship. But that just isn't possible. Are you the same person you were 10 years ago? No, of course not. No one is the same. 

The only way to fix your situation, is to allow your husband to make the decision regarding this job offer by himself. Forget the details of the job, or your paranoid fears associated with it. Focus on the fact that he WANTS this job. That this job will make your husband happy. Why should he stay miserable for you? Marriage is about equality and partnership. Forcing your husband to choose between what makes him happy and what makes you happy isn't right.

[preraph]

Maybe you'll finally learn that law enforcement officers are just people who are trying to help for the most part, with a few bad seeds mixed in just like in any other profession. But at least they try to screen for those in law enforcement. Of course sheriffs are elected and are not necessarily qualified and I guess don't require training. That worries me.

[alphamale]

3 hours ago, preraph said:

Maybe you'll finally learn that law enforcement officers are just people who are trying to help for the most part, with a few bad seeds mixed in just like in any other profession. But at least they try to screen for those in law enforcement. Of course sheriffs are elected and are not necessarily qualified and I guess don't require training. That worries me.

so preraph you mean to say all those sheriffs in the old western movies didn't go to college or have any training? wtf

[major_merrick]

Today has been interesting.  I am still not sure where this is going, but I guess I'm not as mad at him as I was yesterday. 

 

I've gotten some more information about my husband's state of mind.  I slept on the couch again last night because I was just too angry to be around him and I was kind of irritated at my GFs too.  He was up in the middle of the night, and went outside.  Odd, so I followed him.  He went to the orchard to pray.  I listened to him talk to God, and he tells God things that he would never tell me.  I didn't stay long because I'm not an eavesdropper, but I learned that he really DOESN'T want to be sheriff.  This decision is tearing him up.  He was outside for two hours, and then came inside the house and paced back and forth.  I mentioned this to Wife #4, and she told me that my husband didn't want to lead our community's security when he was chosen.  He's done so because he has felt called to do it, but the responsibility of it has weighed on him.  Wife #4's first husband (he died a few years ago) was in charge of security before, and my husband has felt unqualified to step into his friend's shoes.  What concerns me now is that my husband will do something out of duty to others (or out of belief in a divine calling) when he should consider his own needs and the needs of our family.  My husband likes his career and he likes the people he works with.  I doubt he'd be happy as sheriff. 

 

I wasn't able to talk to him much today.  He's been busy, and I think some of that busyness was so that he could avoid me.  I can't even figure out how I'm feeling right now, but I think I've hurt him by being angry.  I said some things I probably shouldn't have said, and I threw stuff at him before going to bed last night.  Definitely shouldn't have done that.  Wife #4 confronted me this afternoon about it.  She's pretty level and rational, so she's probably right.  I'm not sure if I should go back to our bed or sleep on the couch.  I was going to have a quiet 1-on-1 conversation with my husband tonight, but after evening service he fell asleep in his chair in the living room as soon as we got home.  I put the kids to bed, but I didn't want to wake him up or try to remove the half-dozen cats that have settled around him. 

 

One weird thing happened today.  The chief deputy came to our temple today, and participated in worship.  He went to the altar with my husband, and the elders prayed with them.  I don't know what that's about, but I think the chief deputy is going through some issues too.  There's some intense pain written on his face.  I felt really nervous having him around, but seeing him kneeling with the elders kind of made that go away.  I don't get it.  What am I supposed to do now?  Just leave things alone and see what happens? 

Edited December 16, 2019 by major_merrick

[schlumpy]

I'm encouraged Major that you will make the right choice. Your thoughts do not reflect your actions and I plainly see that you are trying to understand. Love isn't just fulfilling your needs, it's selflessly fulfilling the needs of others also. Don't run Major. Stay and reach an accommodation.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

What is involved in leading your community's security?  I thought you didn't live on a compound?  

[preraph]

Being a lawman is all about serving.  It is usually a tremendous sacrifice.  

[2BGoodAgain]

hm....

what EXACTLY are you mad about?

 

1) less money?

2) his new profession that you hate?

3) lost of position in the faith community?

4) risk to his life?(I thought it was funny that this was the last consideration)

5) not listening to your wishes?

 

honestly, I wonder if you know why you're so mad... 

 

I kinda get half the salary... that could cause financial heartache... if it does...

 

you don't like cops, but him being in his position would raise the bar on cops, no?

 

is perhaps your status in the faith community going to take a nose dive when he becomes a cop?

 

obviously, losing his life would suck noodles... and directly affecting your life...

 

no one likes a hub who doesn't listen to his wife...

 

So what is it? what's the top thing that pops in your head when you read all the above, other than "I'm going to hurt this little S***" … I am genuinely curious.

[preraph]

She just hates government and hates cops, and he's about to do both be a lawman and work for the government.  I think sometimes people assume others agree with them even when they don't and are just choosing not to always  have to debate about it.  

[major_merrick]

3 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

What is involved in leading your community's security?  I thought you didn't live on a compound?  

It is complicated.  For the security aspect, compound life would be so much easier!  My husband assigns duties, deals with equipment, conducts training exercises, plans patrols/duty roster, and there's a thousand more things I can't even think of right now.  He takes his responsibilities very seriously. Apparently one of the projects our sheriff has been working on is the creation of a "County Defense Board."  The sheriff's office oversees the county volunteers, which are kind of like a posse from back in the old West.  But there's other armed groups, not just my community's security.  The Defense Board would be a meeting of the sheriff, our community's security leader, and the leaders of 2-3 other communities.  The Defense Board could coordinate a response if there was an issue that affected the county as a whole, such as a riot or a natural disaster.  I suspect my husband's willingness to work with the sheriff on this project is yet another reason why he's been asked to run for office. 

2 hours ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

what EXACTLY are you mad about?

 

1) less money?

2) his new profession that you hate?

3) lost of position in the faith community?

4) risk to his life?(I thought it was funny that this was the last consideration)

5) not listening to your wishes?

So what is it? what's the top thing that pops in your head when you read all the above, other than "I'm going to hurt this little S***" … I am genuinely curious.

Is there a box where I can check "all of the above?"  And I'm not even totally sure why I'm mad, although it feels like he is prioritizing other people over our family.  I'm less mad than I was.  Two days ago I was furious/enraged.  I'm not sure if he became a cop if that would raise the bar on all cops or just lower the bar on him...  I thought he was more anti-government than he actually is, but I probably should have known that with his time working for the state and his time in the National Guard.  Stupid me.  Now I'm just irritated and he's been gone all day and I miss him.  😭  But I'm a girl and none of this has to totally make sense, right? 

[alphamale]

I personally have great respect for our law men and women

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Just now, alphamale said:

I personally have great respect for our law men and women

 

Same!  But, I've never had a bad experience with them.  Didn't grow up around that, etc.  

[Piddy]

I'm fairly new here,  but it sounds like you and your extended family live in fear of being attacked by some entity.  Why all the armed training and patrols?  Is the community a real incorporated community like a city or town and part of the county, or just a group of like minded people living in a section of town?  It sounds like the latter where the county recognizes the unofficial community and tries to work with them.

 

Not trying to judge, but just trying to understand.  It sounds like you live in a large Alamo type setting with the fear of being attacked at any minute.  I've seen other posters mentioning a cult.  Is this community a religious cult like Scientology (which is nuts btw)?   I'm in Florida where Scientology has a huge presence in the city of Clearwater.  They own a lot of property there as well.  

 

When was the last time a sheriff's deputy fired his weapon or was shot themselves?  Is it a violent community (lots of crime etc.)?  These questions would be the most important for me.     

Edited December 16, 2019 by Piddy

[major_merrick]

Piddy, we live in the same general area, but have "normal" neighbors that live around us too.  A couple of families live in town, but most of us are rural and live within 15-20 minutes of each other.  Our county is mostly rural.  Our community is united by a common faith, and we have a temple where we gather for services and events.  Basically like any other church, but more close-knit and intense.  We aren't the only religious community like this in the area, since we live in the Bible Belt.  In years past, I lived in a commune in another state.  That WAS literal compound living with walls and barbed wire.  I lived with my girlfriend at that time, but I left after we split.  My home with my husband looks pretty normal, with the exception of being more self-sufficient.  Looks much more like "Better Homes and Gardens" than "Waco." 

 

I honestly can't tell you when the last time was that a sheriff's deputy fired his gun.  I haven't paid all that much attention to it, but I don't think it is uncommon.  A while before I married my husband he assisted the chief deputy during an arrest along the main highway through our county.  The perp was a convicted felon.  He had shot at the chief deputy during a traffic stop, and had him down on the ground and was beating him over the head.  My husband intervened and it took both of them to complete the arrest.  There's been some other violent incidents, mostly related to people passing through on the main highway from the city nearby.  There's the usual drug dealing, meth, and moonshine.  My husband has been involved in a couple of incidents with our security team.  I'd rather my husband not be in danger, but I know everybody on his team and I trust them.  If he became a sheriff, I don't know if I could trust anybody in the department to have his back.  My husband is also an honest man, and I think he underestimates the bribery that goes on.  Our current sheriff lives in a very nice house, has lots of property, and drives a very expensive truck.  It doesn't match his salary, if you know what I mean. 

 

One thing that gets me is that my husband will put himself on the line for other people.  A nice quality, but it can become a fault.  When we were younger, he was shot defending me from a rapist.  I love him and I know where his loyalty is, but I wish he'd have a better instinct for self-preservation.  Is it too much to ask for him to put me and our family first, rather than getting in the middle of something for the broader interests of society?  What has society ever done to deserve it? 

Edited December 17, 2019 by major_merrick

[Piddy]

Thanks for the explanation major_merrick.  I still don't understand why you need your own security in addition to the county police.  Is it like a neighborhood watch program?  And what are the training exercises and patrols all about?  I know your anti-government, so is that what all the training and security is all about?  You seem like a very normal person who lives a very unconventional lifestyle.  Sounds like your religious cult could have it's own reality TV series.  I'm not religious, but I'd watch it. 😎

[major_merrick]

Piddy, we try to live at peace with the rest of society as much as possible.  But we have our own way of living.  We marry among ourselves and in our own way.  We teach our children rather than using the public system.  We have our own food supplies, and a type of internal economy.  We have our own welfare for the less fortunate among us.  If there's disputes, the elders act as our court.  Our security can work with local authorities when appropriate, or protect us from them if necessary.  Even if I could trust the cops (and I don't) response time in a rural area is ridiculous.  Like 45 minutes.  They simply aren't useful except to fill out paperwork, and anybody granted power by the government to kill or abuse the rest of us had better be kept in check by a force that is equal or better.   I guess my husband could improve this if elected....  But IDK what good working with outsiders can do.  We're separate because it just works better. 

 

I still haven't managed a conversation with him.  He came home late from work, interacted a bit with the kids, and then left for some kind of meeting.  I wonder how long he can keep avoiding me? 

 

Edited December 17, 2019 by major_merrick

[RecentChange]

29 minutes ago, Piddy said:

who lives a very unconventional lifestyle.  Sounds like your religious cult could have it's own reality TV series.  I'm not religious, but I'd watch it. 😎

 

The stories I have read over the years are way more intense, and way more over the top than any reality TV series that has ever existed.

[major_merrick]

RecentChange, you should have seen what my childhood was like...  I don't think they could even put that kind of stuff on TV, even on late-night cable. 

[RecentChange]

3 minutes ago, major_merrick said:

RecentChange, you should have seen what my childhood was like...  I don't think they could even put that kind of stuff on TV, even on late-night cable. 

 

NONE of your life which you have shared on this board over the last 5+ years I have been reading would be appropriate for late night cable.

 

Honestly - your stories stick with me because I ...... I just can't fathom a reality that looks like yours, past present and future.

 

It's a different universe than what I have known. To me it feels like bizarro world. 

 

Guess you would probably feel the same about my little comfortable life. 

 

[major_merrick]

You're probably right.  You know, I went out to California years ago when I dated a girl who like beach vacations.  She was in bliss.  I was bored or uncomfortable.  I'd walk around and try to figure out what people's lives were like and it made no sense.  My husband describes a similar feeling about his travels to Europe - like it was a totally alien environment.  I think it is interesting how small regions America almost have different cultures, and cultures within those cultures - yet we have the same language. 

 

Over the years I've had to transition from some very different living environments.  From growing up in the ghetto to living in a commune, to living out on my own and now being married and having babies.  I've been able to use this forum to work out my thoughts and adapt to the changes, even when many people here have an incredibly different outlook on life. 

Edited December 17, 2019 by major_merrick