So angry at my husband!

[RecentChange]

Interesting!

 

I spent a bit of time in Europe (mostly Switzerland) as a kid, and later for a few stints in the Netherlands (my husband job was taking him there) and we really enjoyed it there - we love northern California, but man.... The Netherlands calls us as well. 

 

For me, there were a few minor hardships, but all and all, northern California feels like heaven on Earth. Just love the natural beauty, the wealth of diverse people, I feel thankful each and every day for the place I was born. 

 

My only complaints is that if has become too popular and crowded - but all and all I feel like I have a balanced and highly enjoyable life here. It's easy living I guess you could say. 

[alphamale]

21 minutes ago, RecentChange said:

Interesting!

 

I spent a bit of time in Europe (mostly Switzerland) as a kid, and later for a few stints in the Netherlands (my husband job was taking him there) and we really enjoyed it there - we love northern California, but man.... The Netherlands calls us as well. 

 

For me, there were a few minor hardships, but all and all, northern California feels like heaven on Earth. Just love the natural beauty, the wealth of diverse people, I feel thankful each and every day for the place I was born. 

 

My only complaints is that if has become too popular and crowded - but all and all I feel like I have a balanced and highly enjoyable life here. It's easy living I guess you could say. 

wait until the "big one" hits, you'll all fall into the sea 🙂

[2BGoodAgain]

16 hours ago, major_merrick said:

It is complicated.  For the security aspect, compound life would be so much easier!  My husband assigns duties, deals with equipment, conducts training exercises, plans patrols/duty roster, and there's a thousand more things I can't even think of right now.  He takes his responsibilities very seriously. Apparently one of the projects our sheriff has been working on is the creation of a "County Defense Board."  The sheriff's office oversees the county volunteers, which are kind of like a posse from back in the old West.  But there's other armed groups, not just my community's security.  The Defense Board would be a meeting of the sheriff, our community's security leader, and the leaders of 2-3 other communities.  The Defense Board could coordinate a response if there was an issue that affected the county as a whole, such as a riot or a natural disaster.  I suspect my husband's willingness to work with the sheriff on this project is yet another reason why he's been asked to run for office. 

Is there a box where I can check "all of the above?"  And I'm not even totally sure why I'm mad, although it feels like he is prioritizing other people over our family.  I'm less mad than I was.  Two days ago I was furious/enraged.  I'm not sure if he became a cop if that would raise the bar on all cops or just lower the bar on him...  I thought he was more anti-government than he actually is, but I probably should have known that with his time working for the state and his time in the National Guard.  Stupid me.  Now I'm just irritated and he's been gone all day and I miss him.  😭  But I'm a girl and none of this has to totally make sense, right? 

 

just b/c you're a girl doesn't invalidate your feelings... you're having a strong reaction b/c of SOMETHING.. even if you can't name it, it's really important to find out what it is... b/c let's face it, your hub is dead meat if we don't find out quick.

 

 

[BettyDraper]

Given your lifestyle, becoming a public figure would be a VERY foolish decision for your husband to make. Please understand that I’m not criticizing your marriage and family dynamics. I’m just saying that the law and the general public would not take kindly to a polygamist marriage which strongly resembles a cult. I’m sure you know this. 
 

Taking a large pay cut is also impractical when the breadwinner is responsible for a very large family. 
 

Since you have understandable reasons to hate law enforcement, I can imagine how triggering and painful this situation must be for you. Unfortunately, your relationship is extremely traditional. I doubt that your husband will take your concerns under advisement if he truly wants to be the sheriff. 

[Els]

On 12/15/2019 at 8:26 AM, basil67 said:

 

1. Job satisfaction is worth more than money.  If he finds that the job suits him, then he will be better for it

 

 

This really only applies if you are not the main breadwinner with 4(?) wives and a whole bunch of young children (I forgot the number) to support. If you choose to live that kind of lifestyle (multiple SAHWs, not using contraception at all), prioritizing job satisfaction over money isn't really a luxury that you get IMO. 

Edited December 17, 2019 by Elswyth

[major_merrick]

7 hours ago, BettyDraper said:

Taking a large pay cut is also impractical when the breadwinner is responsible for a very large family. 

 

Since you have understandable reasons to hate law enforcement, I can imagine how triggering and painful this situation must be for you. Unfortunately, your relationship is extremely traditional. I doubt that your husband will take your concerns under advisement if he truly wants to be the sheriff. 

You hit the nail on the head.  I think that a 50% pay cut is crazy.  We can afford it for a while, but still crazy.  My husband has absolute faith that if God wants him to do the job, God will find a way to make it work.  I'm not convinced, but I can't entirely say no to that either. 

 

I FINALLY got a long conversation with my husband today.  I took him lunch and stayed with him at work for a while this afternoon.  He's frustrated with me.  Not about my objections (which he totally agrees with) but about how I handled it.  Specifically the packages of Ramen that I threw across the kitchen at him.  His style of fighting is "walk away" which I find intolerable, and my style of fighting is "get loud and throw things" which he finds intolerable.  Can't do this again.  He told me point blank that he doesn't want this job, but wants to be willing to do whatever God tells him to do.  He wishes that I had shared my opinion, then backed off and given him time rather than pressing him about the issue.  I hate waiting, especially on an issue this big.  I still want an immediate resolution to the problem, and he insists that he can't decide right now because some stuff needs to play out.  Won't tell me what that stuff is, only that it involves someone else who has trusted him and that he made a promise. 

 

Ultimately, he's the king of the castle.  The king wants time to figure it out.  This is the part of patriarchy that I don't like....so much of it involves a level of trust that I'm not always ready for.  The other wives trust him implicitly.  I should too, since he's always been trustworthy and responsible and he never breaks a promise even under pressure.  But I'm still pretty independent, and with one exception in my life (him) people I've given that kind of trust and control to have always screwed things up.  I'm a bit frustrated with myself on this.  First that I did some things to make him mad that were not productive at all.  If I'd been calmer, I might have gotten somewhere.  And then, when I was kind of feeling aggressive today and wanted to press him for answers, he magically calmed me.  I laid in his lap in his truck and he rubbed my back and I just couldn't stay mad.  IDK how he does that, but it is like he can regulate my emotions with affection and touch.  Is that good or bad? 

[mark clemson]

It's neither good nor bad, but it's probably helpful in that it reduces the strong emotions and  helps get you both to a place where you can discuss the issues in a calmer way.

[JoeyArnold]

10 minutes ago, major_merrick said:

Is that good or bad? 

 

Is he passive aggressive? I'm suggesting that because you said he prefers walking away from arguments. The bigger the problem, the more likely you should be more emotional and less patient. But you would need to try to pray for wisdom as much as you can first. You should always come at it from an objective perspective. Now, emotions can be subjective, of course. So, you can use emotion to express what really matters. But you need to be aware of your priorities. Now, it depends on how big it is or how big it is not. A lot of people can blow things up excessively. For them, they should be more patient. So, you can regulate your emotions with affection, with touch, like you said, to help the king of the castle. On the other hand, he should be able to handle you. Like, even if you were to throw too much at him, it is his job to be able to handle that. But that might be beyond your control. 

[greymatter]

When you wrote that you threw things at him, I was surprised that no one here called you out for being abusive. Getting your anger under control is important not only for your relationship, but so your children don't witness that type of behavior. They deserve and are owed an emotionally healthy environment. I wasn't surprised to read that he was avoiding you after being treated like that.

 

Now you are explaining it was packages of ramen. It's still inappropriate. You have a lot of growing to do emotionally, which I'm sure is not news to you given the past that you cite as the cause of many of your characteristics and the knowledge that you have issues.

 

On a less serious note, as an aside, I somehow was under the impression that you grow and make your own food. Sounds like the ramen was the packaged kind. Not what I expected. 

[major_merrick]

52 minutes ago, JoeyArnold said:

 

Is he passive aggressive? I'm suggesting that because you said he prefers walking away from arguments.

 

On the other hand, he should be able to handle you. Like, even if you were to throw too much at him, it is his job to be able to handle that. But that might be beyond your control. 

I think that he can be passive aggressive.  When he was younger he had a temper and we REALLY fought sometimes.  Now he just walks away.  I guess he's figured out not to "fight fire with fire" but it drives me crazy sometimes because I'd rather fight and get it over with.  

 

35 minutes ago, greymatter said:

Now you are explaining it was packages of ramen. It's still inappropriate. You have a lot of growing to do emotionally, which I'm sure is not news to you given the past that you cite as the cause of many of your characteristics and the knowledge that you have issues.

 

On a less serious note, as an aside, I somehow was under the impression that you grow and make your own food. Sounds like the ramen was the packaged kind. Not what I expected. 

Yeah, I get that I shouldn't have done it.  Old habits and all... I have a tendency to be physical when words fail.  I don't think I surprised him, but I know I disappointed him.  As for the ramen...we do have some junk food around.  Those ten-cent Ramen squares (in several detestable varieties) are an item my GFs insist on, and sometimes my husband will take one for lunch if he doesn't have anything else.  I don't eat that crap. 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

2 hours ago, major_merrick said:

I still want an immediate resolution to the problem, and he insists that he can't decide right now because some stuff needs to play out.  Won't tell me what that stuff is, only that it involves someone else who has trusted him and that he made a promise. 

 

And why are you willing to put up with this secrecy from the father of your (soon to be) four children? This makes NO sense.

Edited December 18, 2019 by CautiouslyOptimistic

[major_merrick]

Cautious, I'm pretty used to secrets.  For now, I can accept that he's given his word to somebody keep something private.  Being patient with it is tough, though. 

[Els]

6 hours ago, major_merrick said:

I still want an immediate resolution to the problem, and he insists that he can't decide right now because some stuff needs to play out.  Won't tell me what that stuff is, only that it involves someone else who has trusted him and that he made a promise. 

 

6 hours ago, major_merrick said:

Ultimately, he's the king of the castle.  The king wants time to figure it out.  This is the part of patriarchy that I don't like....so much of it involves a level of trust that I'm not always ready for.  The other wives trust him implicitly.  I should too, since he's always been trustworthy and responsible and he never breaks a promise even under pressure. 

 

That's not really how trust works, though. What he's doing is like you going to meet another man every night, NOT allowing your husband to come along and refusing to tell him what you're doing, and saying "well don't you trust me?!?" when he objects. Trust needs to be earned, and a big part of earning trust is transparency, and also addressing reasonable concerns. He is avoiding both of these.

 

 

[2BGoodAgain]

10 hours ago, major_merrick said:

You hit the nail on the head.  I think that a 50% pay cut is crazy.  We can afford it for a while, but still crazy.  My husband has absolute faith that if God wants him to do the job, God will find a way to make it work.  I'm not convinced, but I can't entirely say no to that either. 

 

I FINALLY got a long conversation with my husband today.  I took him lunch and stayed with him at work for a while this afternoon.  He's frustrated with me.  Not about my objections (which he totally agrees with) but about how I handled it.  Specifically the packages of Ramen that I threw across the kitchen at him.  His style of fighting is "walk away" which I find intolerable, and my style of fighting is "get loud and throw things" which he finds intolerable.  Can't do this again.  He told me point blank that he doesn't want this job, but wants to be willing to do whatever God tells him to do.  He wishes that I had shared my opinion, then backed off and given him time rather than pressing him about the issue.  I hate waiting, especially on an issue this big.  I still want an immediate resolution to the problem, and he insists that he can't decide right now because some stuff needs to play out.  Won't tell me what that stuff is, only that it involves someone else who has trusted him and that he made a promise. 

 

Ultimately, he's the king of the castle.  The king wants time to figure it out.  This is the part of patriarchy that I don't like....so much of it involves a level of trust that I'm not always ready for.  The other wives trust him implicitly.  I should too, since he's always been trustworthy and responsible and he never breaks a promise even under pressure.  But I'm still pretty independent, and with one exception in my life (him) people I've given that kind of trust and control to have always screwed things up.  I'm a bit frustrated with myself on this.  First that I did some things to make him mad that were not productive at all.  If I'd been calmer, I might have gotten somewhere.  And then, when I was kind of feeling aggressive today and wanted to press him for answers, he magically calmed me.  I laid in his lap in his truck and he rubbed my back and I just couldn't stay mad.  IDK how he does that, but it is like he can regulate my emotions with affection and touch.  Is that good or bad? 

 

other wives???

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

1 hour ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

 

other wives???

 

 

You have a lot of catching up to do on MM's story. 

[Shining One]

On ‎12‎/‎14‎/‎2019 at 10:57 PM, major_merrick said:

Let me put this straight for those who still don't get it - bigamy/polygamy is only illegal if the marriages are LEGALLY done.  Meaning, filed with the government, claimed on your taxes, etc...  Otherwise everybody who cheats on their spouse, has kids with multiple women, or has two girlfriends would be committing a crime.  By the letter of the law, we are perfectly legal.

Slightly off topic, but I'm curious. Is your husband legally married to Wife 1 or any of the other wives? Or is he legally single?

[Piddy]

I know some religions have the husband in the dominant role and the wife in the subservient role.  MM you don't seem to have the temperament to play the subservient role. 

 

You come across as just the opposite actually.  Strong willed and independent.  I guess religion is a powerful thing to get someone to go against their basic nature.

 

I guess it's hard for us non religious people to understand how in your case a woman would put themselves in such a lesser position.  For me it would be living a life going against my basic instincts. 

 

Don't mean to be offensive, but I'm glad I'm not religious.  What you would call God I would call intuition.  For your sake I hope your husband's intuition aligns with yours in this case.  

Edited December 18, 2019 by Piddy

[2BGoodAgain]

44 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

 

 

You have a lot of catching up to do on MM's story. 

apparently....lol.

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, Elswyth said:

 

 

That's not really how trust works, though. What he's doing is like you going to meet another man every night, NOT allowing your husband to come along and refusing to tell him what you're doing, and saying "well don't you trust me?!?" when he objects. Trust needs to be earned, and a big part of earning trust is transparency, and also addressing reasonable concerns. He is avoiding both of these.

 

 

 

Indeed, what he is asking for is blind trust.

 

I trust my partner implicitly, because he is transparent and he has given me no reason not to trust him. But, the day that he starts making decisions that affect our family without consulting me and telling me that he will share information only when he is ready is the day that I don’t trust him anymore...

Edited December 18, 2019 by BaileyB

[schlumpy]

20 hours ago, Elswyth said:

 

This really only applies if you are not the main breadwinner with 4(?) wives and a whole bunch of young children (I forgot the number) to support. If you choose to live that kind of lifestyle (multiple SAHWs, not using contraception at all), prioritizing job satisfaction over money isn't really a luxury that you get IMO. 

 

He has a deep and abiding faith in God. If God is calling him to service (which I believe the Major indicated was the case) then God will provide. It might be possible for the people in the church community to make up the difference in pay since they should get some benefit from one of their own being Sheriff. He also has four wives that can work.

[alphamale]

God isn't providing for many of the world's poor and indigent

[2BGoodAgain]

1 minute ago, alphamale said:

God isn't providing for many of the world's poor and indigent

 

God provided plenty.... if you believe in such a being... it's just us humans overcomplicate.. everything.

[Els]

15 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

 

He has a deep and abiding faith in God. If God is calling him to service (which I believe the Major indicated was the case) then God will provide. It might be possible for the people in the church community to make up the difference in pay since they should get some benefit from one of their own being Sheriff. He also has four wives that can work.

 

You don't just get to pick and choose elements of modern society and 0 AD society as you like, lol. The whole polygyny model was based on resources - men having as many wives as they could afford to financially support, so the well-to-do men get many wives and the poor men get none. These women signed up based on that agreement. Women working outside the home and contributing to household finances is a very recent phenomenon and is based on a much more egalitarian relationship model, not a man-is-the-head-of-the-household model.

 

Besides, given that Wife #1 and Wife #2 don't seem to have worked outside the house for many years now, their career options will be pretty much zilch. I don't feel sorry for the dude at all, he got himself into this position, so he has to do his duty. Being "head of the household" comes with a bunch of responsibilities, including providing.

Edited December 18, 2019 by Elswyth

[schlumpy]

11 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

 

You don't just get to pick and choose elements of modern society and 0 AD society as you like, lol. The whole polygyny model was based on resources - men having as many wives as they could afford to financially support, so the well-to-do men get many wives and the poor men get none. These women signed up based on that agreement. Women working outside the home and contributing to household finances is a very recent phenomenon and is based on a much more egalitarian relationship model, not a man-is-the-head-of-the-household model.

 

Besides, given that Wife #1 and Wife #2 don't seem to have worked outside the house for many years now, their career options will be pretty much zilch. I don't feel sorry for the dude at all, he got himself into this position, so he has to do his duty. Being "head of the household" comes with a bunch of responsibilities, including providing.

 

Your comments are valid but I think anyone can work at the local dairy queen. My main point is that to understand why the Major's husband feels compelled to do something that may be against his long term interests you have to recognize the depth of his faith. You don't have to agree with it but you do have credit it if you want to understand why he is considering taking this job and testing his relationship with wife number 4.

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

apparently....lol.

 

2BGA, for clarity from what I understand MM lives in a polyamorous family relationship with one man and three(?) other women. Only one of the women is legally married to her Husband who is someone MM has known since her teen years(?) They are also members of what I think could be fairly described as a "fringe" Christian group. They are dedicated family members within their structure and generally very supportive of each other in a variety of ways.

 

Apologies MM if I got any of that wrong.