Girlfriend flirting with someone else

[JOE13]

Hi,
I will try to be brief.
I am 46, my gf is a 37 single mom (2 kids)...few months ago she went to a bachelorette party (in a club) with some girls, i found out that she ended up flirting and dancing with some young guy of 21. Before i find out she told me that some guy came to her, talked to her while she was dancing, but she refused him and sent him away. I found out that she danced with him, i confronted her with this, and said "yeah, i forgot, we danced a little bit, few seconds, but that's it", and she swore that it was it. After 2 months i was able to get some videos made at that club, and i saw that she danced somehow in an intimate way with him, several times, and spoke and laughed several times, and at some point she danced with him on the table, also in an intimate way (when i say intimate, i didn't see any kissing, but intimate positions, grinding...etc).
I confronted her again with this and she said that simply she forgot about that dancing on the table, because she drank too much that night, and the reason that she danced with him because we had a big fight that day and she just wanted to forget.
1- I am not sure if i can tolerate and accept the dancing and flirting part
2- I sure can not accept the lying. The idea is, whatever happens we can talk about it, even if we end up cheating, we can discuss it, so i don't understand why she still insists on lying.
I am not sure if what i wrote makes any sense to you. But i appreciate your advices.
Thanks in advance

[basil67]

Have you heard the phrase '"what happens on the bachelor/bachelorette party stays in the party".   She was simply towing the line which men and women have done since bachelor parties began.   Whoever spilled the beans was totally uncool.   And I can tell you that I've never asked my partner what happened at bachelor party.

 

If she didn't take him home, then my advice is to let it go.

[K.K.]

^ yep. Don’t even open this can of worms. 

[schlumpy]

Your GF still feels she can be unattached when it suits her. She doesn't feel any remorse and is lying by omitting the details which is leading to your distrust. Your choices are to accept it or hand out some consequences for actions. Then she will have a choice to accept those consequences and you both could find yourself not together any longer. 

 

It seems to me that she has stretched the boundaries of your relationship and shown you exactly what she finds acceptable from an SO. You may want to view this as an opportunity.

[elaine567]

She has shown you who she is.
Can you tolerate who she is?

[JOE13]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

She has shown you who she is.
Can you tolerate who she is?

she, on the other hand, makes my life hell if i even turn my head toward some random girl when we are together. she is even bothered of the "likes" i receive on facebook by female friends in my list...so there is a double standard in this tolerance

[basil67]

In that case, I would see her double standards as a bigger deal breaker than flirting at a bachelorette party.

[elaine567]

Quote

Telltale signs of cheaters
...if your significant other is all of the sudden accusing you of sneaking around or being untrustworthy, it is probably because they are being deceitful themselves and are paranoid that you will do the same. Make sense?

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

You shouldn't be dating a 37 year old woman if you are 46... If you are 46, you should go and get yourself a young 25-30 year old. Go online. OLD caters to old men with resources and young women with desires... Not to be rude bro, but you sound kinda old and thats good. Nothing wrong with old. In fact, as a man, due to things like social status, finance, etc. You are really in the prime of your life... You have never been a more valuable man than you are today... In good health, hopefully good finance... You shouldn't be with some 37 year old, that is too old for you, you are in your PRIME, you need a woman in her PRIME.

[d0nnivain]

15 hours ago, JOE13 said:

.few months ago she went to a bachelorette party (in a club) with some girls, i found out that she ended up flirting and dancing with some young guy of 21. Before i find out she told me that some guy came to her, talked to her while she was dancing, but she refused him and sent him away. I found out that she danced with him, i confronted her with this, and said "yeah, i forgot, we danced a little bit, few seconds, but that's it", and she swore that it was it. After 2 months i was able to get some videos made at that club, and i saw that she danced somehow in an intimate way with him, several times, and spoke and laughed several times, and at some point she danced with him on the table, also in an intimate way (when i say intimate, i didn't see any kissing, but intimate positions, grinding...etc).
I confronted her again with this and she said that simply she forgot about that dancing on the table, because she drank too much that night, and the reason that she danced with him because we had a big fight that day and she just wanted to forget.
1- I am not sure if i can tolerate and accept the dancing and flirting part
2- I sure can not accept the lying. The idea is, whatever happens we can talk about it, even if we end up cheating, we can discuss it, so i don't understand why she still insists on lying.
I am not sure if what i wrote makes any sense to you. But i appreciate your advices.
 

 

 

It was a bachelor party in a nightclub & she danced with some random guy for a little while.   It was harmless & an "in the moment" activity.  She didn't lie to you.  She downplayed what happened because she probably knew you would over react & if she was as drunk as she claims some of the details may be a little fuzzy.   That 21 year old was so insignificant to her she probably doesn't even remember the guy's name because that is how trivial he is.   In the moment because she'd had a fight with you that day, he was a temporary salve she used to prove to herself that she was still sexy.   She's not continuing to carry on with him.  She did NOT cheat on you.  

 

Meanwhile you keep stewing & are getting angrier & angrier. The fact that you went through all the trouble of getting videos made tells me you are behaving like  obsessive, controlling, person will massive trust issues.  In her shoes if I found out that my BF was so untrusting as to have videos made I'd dump such a guy in a heartbeat.  Frankly you are acting scary to the point that through this post I am wondering whether you think violence is the answer here.  The vibe is reverberating.  Seriously that is how much rage I'm reading coming from your post.    I'd be out the door, changing the locks on my house & contemplating moving to get away from you.  If that is the impression I'm getting, I can only imagine how frightened she is.  

 

My advice to you -- get some therapy & leave her be.  

Edited December 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed inappropriate comment.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

6 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

 

 

It was a bachelor party in a nightclub & she danced with some random guy for a little while.   It was harmless & an "in the moment" activity.  She didn't lie to you.  She downplayed what happened because she probably knew you would over react & if she was as drunk as she claims some of the details may be a little fuzzy.   That 21 year old was so insignificant to her she probably doesn't even remember the guy's name because that is how trivial he is.   In the moment because she'd had a fight with you that day, he was a temporary salve she used to prove to herself that she was still sexy.   She's not continuing to carry on with him.  She did NOT cheat on you.  

 

Meanwhile you keep stewing & are getting angrier & angrier. The fact that you went through all the trouble of getting videos made tells me you are behaving like  obsessive, controlling, person will massive trust issues.  In her shoes if I found out that my BF was so untrusting as to have videos made I'd dump such a guy in a heartbeat.  Frankly you are acting scary to the point that through this post I am wondering whether you think violence is the answer here.  The vibe is reverberating.  Seriously that is how much rage I'm reading coming from your post.    I'd be out the door, changing the locks on my house & contemplating moving to get away from you.  If that is the impression I'm getting, I can only imagine how frightened she is.  

 

My advice to you -- get some therapy & leave her be.  

 

Cheating is not something defined by a definition, but rather context and feeling; cheating has to be defined by the parties involved and hopefully that definition comes from communication and boundaries, before something ever happens, but plain and simple, if your partner overextends their boundaries into an area you are not comfortable with, that partner should really be thinking about how these actions impact the person they are with. Granted, she knew that what she was doing would not be exposed so easily and that is probably a big part of why she chose to do it, as opposed to "Im 37 year olds and drank too much". Yeah, cheating is a thing of feeling and context per individual, not some definition we are looking up in the dictionary and with that being said, if you feel like her speaking with another man constitutes cheating, that is a different conversation. 

 

I would agree with this sentiment though, you definitely do not need to become a private investigator when it comes to your relationships... Trust is a choice, you either choose to trust somebody or you choose to not to... You should not be with somebody you do not trust. Granted, sometimes we need to audit the trust we have in people, in order to see if that trust we place in them is well placed or not and clearly, based on the way you feel about this OP, she definitely abused your trust, not only by potentially lying to you about it, but by the admission that she drank too much... Somebody in a relationship needs to be more culpable to their actions than this.

[usa1ah]

She out right lied about what went on. 
 

Joe got the video because she lied about what went on when someone told him. 
 

then she says that she dirty danced with the guy because of an argument the two of you had. 
 

time for a new girlfriend. What would she do the next time the two of you have a fight, find some random guy and ***** his brains out?

[some_username1]

11 hours ago, usa1ah said:

She out right lied about what went on. 
 

Joe got the video because she lied about what went on when someone told him. 
 

then she says that she dirty danced with the guy because of an argument the two of you had. 
 

time for a new girlfriend. What would she do the next time the two of you have a fight, find some random guy and ***** his brains out?

And then she would forget that it ever happened. “Oopsie, now you mention it I did accidentally **** that guy who was hanging out outside the store the other day. Sorry, I forgot! Tee hee hee!”

 

Bin her off.

[smackie9]

So what are you looking for from us? I'm not going to convince you to stay or dump her, that's on you to decide. If you think she went way too far, and lied, downplayed it, then sure don't put up with it anymore. OR you can calmly discuss boundaries, tell her you saw the video, and come to an agreement.

I want to add something, turning your head and checking out someone in front of her is different than her dancing at a bachelor party. You still check other women out when you are not with her am I right? You can't tell me you don't do it everyday. So choose your words with her carefully.

Edited December 17, 2019 by smackie9

[mark clemson]

Perhaps you're both better of without each other? To be fair to her, you're just a BF, not her husband and no clothes were taken off. To be fair to you, your boundary settings appear (understandably) to be set to not allow this. If you discuss leaving and she says it'll never happen again, then you need to be very clear this sort of thing is a dealbreaker for you. Some women (and men) think along the lines of if there were no emotions involved and kissing or clothes taken off, it's not that big a deal. "Grinding" happens all the time in nightclubs.

[fromheart]

37 years old with 2 kids, goes out dancing on tables and making a fool of herself, flirting with younger men.

Sorry man, but she's pathetic.  Get yourself a better one.

[some_username1]

14 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Perhaps you're both better of without each other? To be fair to her, you're just a BF, not her husband and no clothes were taken off. To be fair to you, your boundary settings appear (understandably) to be set to not allow this. If you discuss leaving and she says it'll never happen again, then you need to be very clear this sort of thing is a dealbreaker for you. Some women (and men) think along the lines of if there were no emotions involved and kissing or clothes taken off, it's not that big a deal. "Grinding" happens all the time in nightclubs.

Jeeez have we become so detached from propriety that it now matters whether you are married or not as to whether stuff like this is acceptable? They might not be married but in any serious relationship your girlfriend should be auditioning to be your wife and no man (at least that I know) wants to see or think about his future wife trying to titillate a random guy.

 

In my view verbal flirting is one thing, but grinding with a stranger in a club goes beyond that, it’s physical flirting and the woman is trying to turn the guy on by insinuating sexual skill and her availability/openness to promiscuity. Most definitely NOT the actions of a quality, committed girlfriend.

[mark clemson]

Oh believe me, I GET that this goes beyond OP's boundaries for a GF. I could see myself feeling the same way. But... SHE may not feel that way.

 

She could actually be committed to him and this is a one-time thing or rarity for her. Or be committed but she feels she has the right to do this sort of thing, e.g. prior to engagement. I'm not saying it's right (or wrong) it's just a possible viewpoint. Not one you or OP agrees with (or me I think either frankly).

 

Nowhere did I imply she is a "quality" GF. That is for OP to decide.

 

Last note: as pointed out, at Bachelor/Bachelorette parties normal rules frequently get bent. Again not right (or wrong, necessarily) just how it is.

Edited December 18, 2019 by mark clemson

[UCanCallMeCrazy]

So, Joe . . .  Any updates?

Here are a few thoughts. . . 
 

Yes, women do dance with random guys at bachelorette parties, just like guys look at nude women at bachelor parties.  No harm, no foul, and little if anything is said about it afterwards. It is sort of the unspoken ‘code’ about bachelor/ bachelorette parties.  Often some details do leak out though.

With that, it is understandable the your gf would be a bit vague on what happened.

However, her actions that night, as proved by the video, do seem a bit over the top for someone in a relationship.

Her double standard for behavior is probably more the issue here, since you found out the details.  What is good for the gander is also good for the goose.  That is what you should be discussing, along with her over the top behavior.

Equal boundaries for you both would be good.

 

 

[ChatroomHero]

Agree with enigma. For me that is a show stopper. No matter what is said, no matter what the situation was previously, I am pretty much out at that point. For someone to minimize me that much and care so little for me, I already know at that point it is over. When I found out she lied and passed it off as my fault because we had a fight, I'd pretty much go nuclear. I'd have said, oh, what a relief! I was feeling so guilty because that night I met up with my ex and we fooled around. I felt like I cheated and felt so bad but I am so relieved we were on a pass...then I would have told her to have a nice life.

Where there's smoke, there's fire. Here it's a blazing inferno and she consistently lied about it. Everyone has their limit but for me she would have blown flown past mine by miles.

[kendahke]

You really don't need our input here--your gut led you to go out of your way to get the evidence you felt you needed to justify dumping her, so just do it.

Yeah, it was a bachelorette party and they can be a bit on the wild side, HOWEVER: This wasn't flirting.  This was:

Quote

she danced in an intimate way with him, several times, and spoke and laughed several times, and at some point she danced with him on the table, also in an intimate way (when i say intimate, i didn't see any kissing, but intimate positions, grinding...etc).

there is a difference between downplaying something and out and out lying about it.

The fact that she's thinking it's ok to lie to you when if she went and found video of you doing the same thing, her hair would be on fire over it is what is most galling.

It's up to you--Do you really need that level of aggravation in your life?  Dump her and let her go grind that boy's bones to powder to make her bread.

Edited January 24, 2020 by kendahke