Long-term single: Where has the desire gone? Have I lied to myself?

[pirep10153]

Are there any confused long-term singles out there? I am not sure what I want anymore.

 

I am 35 and have been single all my life. Until my early twenties, I was keen on finding a girlfriend, but had some nasty experiences. Feeling that I did not understand this "game" and did not like it either, I flat out refused to play it. And did precisely nothing for the next twelve or so years. I kind of expected to meet the "right girl" along the way without looking for someone and then act on it (think Disney), but completely misjudged the probability.

 

As a man, this means you remain single.

 

Now I need to add that since that decision to not pursue a relationship I have had the happiest time of my entire life, including travel, friends, jobs – you name it. The idea to change anything about my life would not have crossed my mind until a few months ago.

 

Middle of this year, I slipped into a major depressive episode. Fortunately, the worst of it seems over, but after six months of psychotherapy, we still don't have a precise understanding of what happened and why. Medication? Stress? Disease? Issues? Nevertheless, my therapist keeps pushing me towards finding a partner. While the lack of relationships is most probably not the cause, I sense that he thinks it might be part of a cure, so to speak.

 

This leaves me utterly confused. Did I lie to myself? Did I kill my desire?

 

On the one hand, most people seem to enjoy their relationships and I would trust the expert's judgment. If you ever had a depressive episode, you know you are willing to do anything to make it go away – and stay away.

 

On the other hand: I don't want to. Nothing inside me says: "Let's go out and find someone!" Any way to find a relationship is excruciating work for me. I am not sure I want one in the first place. And even if I knew how to get one and was successful, I would not even know what to do with it. As silly as it sounds, but this is where the lack of experience shines through: I kind of know less than when I was sixteen; back then I was at least curious and sexually driven. Now I literally have no idea what I would do with someone else around – my major hobbies are single activities (like reading). And while I have never been on a classic date, but it certainly does not appeal to me.

 

About me: I am a very introverted person; not that I am shy, but I need a serious amount of time on my own to recharge. I was diagnosed as both a highly sensitive person and a highly gifted person, which makes it unlikely to find a 100% match; it's like being the single zebra amongst many horses. Some find it repelling, some find it fascinating, but it's unlikely for me to find another zebra. I would have to make do with a horse that accepts the stripes; the odds are against me, though, since not a single woman so far has shown interest in me. (Fortunately, though, I don't provide instant dealbreakers - my looks are decent, I come across as trustworthy, and I know how to apply myself.)

 

To make matters more challenging than they already are: I am relatively sure I don't want anybody to move in with me; I can't see myself marrying and, as much as I like kids, I am 100 % certain I don't want to have any on my own.

 

And: While I don't have a relationship history, I do have a sexual one. I have a long string of sexual encounters, including classic one-night-stands as well as prostitutes (it's legal over here), but nothing that lasted longer than 24 hours. I am not aware of the actual "number", but imagine having sex two, three times a year for fifteen years and you may arrive at a figure that is off-putting to many potential partners. I need to stress, though, that most of these experiences were wonderful and I most certainly don't regret them.

 

Following this wall of text: Your thoughts are much appreciated. What would you do?

[Envy123]

I’ve been in a few relationships but they didn’t last long, as I didn’t feel any sort of spark even after giving a few chances for it all to work.

 

Being single is far more calming and satisfying. Unless there’s one special woman who can prove to me that an LTR with her is worthwhile, I’m not going to bother to go into romance again.

[Foxhall]

On the one hand you have a decent set-up. you mention having good friends, travelling and happy with your job,

 

then on the other hand, you describe yourself as being highly sensitive which lends itself to needing a closeness or at least a support or feeling connected and getting approval from people.

I would suspect that in view of being highly sensitive you are not truly content being alone, you are concerned about what the outside world thinks.

 

while you are happy enough alone, you also crave the support of others,

I suspect your depression comes from the fact that "friends" will never really give you a full connection, they will be there for you to a certain extent,  but they will also have their boundaries,

how many of them would visit you if you were in hospital (how many of them are real friends)

 

again given that you are highly sensitive, I think you need the support of someone closer in order to feel more content, also that you are highly gifted, you want those skills to be appreciated, 

 

In terms of meeting a suitable match, there is a good chance you will find someone,

 

the whole idea of moving in with someone, also I think if they grow on you enough, you could be open to that down the line,

 

anyway that does not have to happen straight away, let things take their course. I would not be putting up these  mental barriers before even giving things a chance.

 

So I think you should be open to finding a relationship but no panic, see how it goes over the next five years, and otherwise keep getting involved in things that make you happy.(thats how I would proceed)

 

 

 

 

[nospam99]

Meh ... feel like posting. It will become obvious that I have a different, and kind of 'retro' mindset.

My ex and I started our relationship based on common intellectual interests. In the beginning, we enjoyed each others company. We developed new common interests. We both wanted the other kind of LTR - life-time relationships. And we both wanted a 'family' i.e. children. But we also compromised. There were some very serious dealbreakers, at least for me. I'm pretty sure for her, too. Again, we compromised. I know that I changed to accommodate what she and the children needed me to contribute to the family. Her, not so much. In fact I'd characterize her changes as being negative. There were ups and downs. All together she was in my life for 33 years. Separated since '06, negotiating divorce since '12, divorced since '17, there are still outstanding legal issues to be resolved (f--k lawyers and judges ... as a project manager I'd have had it all settled in a month). To be fair and objective, we maintained the 'relationship' in some form as long as we did 'for the sake of the children'. And BTW, I never cheated on her, even when I wasn't 'getting any'.

I laid that all out to contrast what I see as an attitude that relationships are disposable. So many of the topics I see here on LS, even the ones where the poster in married, are about not being willing to 'suck it up' and keep trying to make a relationship work. On topic, 'where has the desire gone'? Is that what matters? Or is the more important question 'where has the commitment gone'? (LOL cuz I just asked a rhetorical question :D )

[FMW]

7 hours ago, pirep10153 said:

which makes it unlikely to find a 100% match

 

I don't think any of us can find 100% match, just look for a reasonable amount of commonalities and some complimentary or at least non-objectionable traits.

 

I know it's cliche, but seriously I think most of the time we meet people not when we're consciously looking, but when we're out there enjoying our lives and being our authentic selves.  

 

Also, keep an open mind about what a relationship is.  It can be whatever you and another person agrees to.  You don't have to be married, you don't have to live together, you don't have to have kids.  You don't HAVE to do anything but agree or find an acceptable compromise.  You just haven't met the right woman - yet.     

 

I know you don't feel it, but 35 is young - especially if you're not looking to have kids, your options are wide open.  Relax and keep doing you.  

[elaine567]

The whole "you need a partner" from your therapist is I guess for your own safety going forward.
You have had a major depressive episode and you basically need someone  in the future to be there for you, someone to look after you when you need it.

[pirep10153]

3 hours ago, Foxhall said:

I suspect your depression comes from the fact that "friends" will never really give you a full connection, they will be there for you to a certain extent,  but they will also have their boundaries,

how many of them would visit you if you were in hospital (how many of them are real friends)

 

again given that you are highly sensitive, I think you need the support of someone closer in order to feel more content, also that you are highly gifted, you want those skills to be appreciated, 

 

This is an interesting thought; I have to consider that. If you are up to something, however, this would mean that the "solution" would not necessarily be a romantic partnership, but could also be a closer knit social network?

 

57 minutes ago, Finding my way said:

I know it's cliche, but seriously I think most of the time we meet people not when we're consciously looking, but when we're out there enjoying our lives and being our authentic selves.  

 

That's what I thought myself. However, in the last twenty years not a single woman has expressed serious interest in me - and these should be the years where it is the easiest and most common. This lets me doubt whether carrying on with my authentic self would be a recipe for success. Not that I dislike myself, but my authentic self - the zebra - is off-putting to the vast majority of people, let alone women.

 

49 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

The whole "you need a partner" from your therapist is I guess for your own safety going forward.
You have had a major depressive episode and you basically need someone  in the future to be there for you, someone to look after you when you need it.

 

I haven't considered seeing it this way, this makes sense as well. I thought it is about confronting some sort of relationship fear or anxiety.

 

I suspect some part of me is afraid of finding out that I actually want (and wanted) a relationship - it would mean having wasted more than ten years sitting idle, possible the best decade for hooking up. This would be a very painful conclusion.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

You need to be able to love yourself before you can love somebody else.

[2BGoodAgain]

well....

 

first...

 

1) you had a depressive episode; sometimes, even if you're not consciously aware of it, there may be issues in the subconscious that you may have buried away but it roared it's ugly head in a way that was pretty interruptive to your life. So there is something there. and it's huge to upset you like this.

2) There is NO guarantees is a relationship, but instead of planning everything out, relationships start with bits... and you build on those bits and you plan according to those bits. I realize some people do plan their relationship/lives quite a bit, but if a long term relationship has always been a challenge for you, and you've avoided it for most of your adult life, it makes sense that you feel no need for it, nor can imagine how it'd feel wanting someone like that interrupting your idyllic life. But instead of thinking of the whole picture, b/c honestly, it's overwhelming for anyone... think first... what are your interests and find someone similar. Reading a book isn't really a single person thing, believe it or not. There may be someone else out there who isn't really into interacting with someone who may love nothing more than to decompress on a good book. One small example, among probably an infinite number of possibilities out there.

3) everyone is created and turn out differently. we perceive and understand and express love in different way. don't set yourself up for failure by telling us and yourself how unlikely it is you'll find a long term partner or even want one, until you first find someone and converse or interact or just sit next to and read a book or [place your fav thing here]. 

 

Life is really diverse. You just don't know what's out there; you've avoided this area for years, so who knows, right? Worth a shot. And honestly? No one knows what they want, until they've gone thru relationships and realize... nope, i don't want this. Nope, i don't want that. Nope, definitely not this.

 

no one really knows what they want, they think they do, but very few of us still consider love the same way we did when we were 16.

 

good luck to you.

[hotpotato]

I could've written much of what you wrote. 

 

I also feel like dating is a game that I dont know how to play. 

 

I have had relationships, but I've been single most of my life. I tested as gifted as a child. I suspect I'm a highly sensitive person. I love to read. 

 

Being in a relationship may or may not help. If you have constant rejections, that may do more harm than good. Your therapist may imagine you'll have wins and losses, not that you'll strike out everytime. 

 

I used to go on fasts. At first it was hard, but after a few days, going without food became easier and easier. You can deprive yourself so much that you lose touch with your drives.

[ZA Dater]

Well I think as someone who is also 35, never had a girlfriend but has been on quite a few dates I can tell you I think people in your life do add value it depends on the value you are looking for though. I'd argue dating can be very valuable to some people but pretty adverse for others because eventually you start to realise that many people actually aren't that nice. The other problem with dating is you are constantly on the pyramid, what you inevitably want is unattainable ad what you can have you don't want.

 

If I were you derive as much joy you can from being alive and being able to savour life itself.

[2BGoodAgain]

On 12/16/2019 at 7:28 PM, hotpotato said:

I could've written much of what you wrote. 

 

I also feel like dating is a game that I dont know how to play. 

 

I have had relationships, but I've been single most of my life. I tested as gifted as a child. I suspect I'm a highly sensitive person. I love to read. 

 

Being in a relationship may or may not help. If you have constant rejections, that may do more harm than good. Your therapist may imagine you'll have wins and losses, not that you'll strike out everytime. 

 

I used to go on fasts. At first it was hard, but after a few days, going without food became easier and easier. You can deprive yourself so much that you lose touch with your drives.

 

yeah, but things like relationships etc... can be buried, that drive... but it'll come to haunt you in a very bad way in the least time you expect it.

 

figure yourself out first... i think that's the key here.. once you know yourself, what you want, what you need, ... you can make better informed decisions... about what path to take... otherwise, you're making decisions blindly... 

[Mysterio]

My desire has changed for women in a romantic context.  Even though I go out and interact with women.  I do think of who would be great at exploring a LTR with.  I have lost the desire to make the effort to try to date the average woman for the most part.  Unless she is really talking up a storm with me.  She is basically in my social environment and is making an effort towards me.  I feel like I am not missing anything.  

 

Anytime any romantic thing has happened for me.  Its when I am in a state of not caring about being in a romantic exploration with a woman.   When I care.  Even though I am low keyed in my actions.  It never really works out when I make an effort.  I dress well and I am well groomed.  I see myself as between Cute and Handsome.  So more Black Ritchie Cunningham from Happy Days vibe.  I am fit, warm and personable.  I don't know why I have the problems connecting romantically with women, when I make the effort.  When the woman makes an effort with me.  There seems to be no problems for the most part.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I dunno what to tell you. I am 5 years older than you and in the same boat. I have had relationships but it was always forced. I felt like I expanded huge amounts of energy to find men to date and did activities I never would enjoy. It was always a conscious effort that didn't make me happy. I have had stretches of many years of being 100% single and not looking. Even when I was in my 20s and I never just met someone randomly. Romantic part of life has never really worked for me. So all the "it will just happen when you least expect it" is well meaning but inaccurate.

 

We are outliers and as such it's hard to fit into the couple/family oriented society. I struggle to find an answer but it surely can't be to force myself to look for a relationship.