Parenting your kids to be better spouses..

[Steve40th396]

I am on the last legs of my marriage.. 14.5 years, 3 years of separation, very little counseling.
One thing that finally hit me was, I was never taught, spoken to about being a good father, husband.
My Dad was Military, no drinker, but gone allot. When home, we did basic stuff like sports, fishing, and a little traveling with me and my two sisters. I am the middle.
I waited till I was 37 to get married due to being in the Navy, submarines, and gone 90% of the time. Towards the end of my career, I married a wonderful lady I knew for 15 years during my time in the Navy, on and off.
My advice from my Dad was, after marrying her, go take care of your new family.. Thats it.
Now, after reading so many forums, threads etc on communication, listening, teamwork, compromise, standards, etc etc, I realized I was dealt a poor hand. As many before me were also.
So, I want to see if this a common issue among people here. And if so, what can I do to ensure my daughters are better prepared..
I will say, If I was this knowledgeable at the beginning of my marriage, it would not be the end of the marriage now.

If in wrong forum, please move. Thnx

[FMW]

I'm not sure if it's something you can teach your children.  You do your best to pass on your values and teach them to be good people - but what they do with it is up to them.

 

My parents were very happily married for over 50 years, until my father died.  I had an unhappy marriage for a long time and finally divorced after 23 years.  I don't think there was anything my parents could have taught or told me that would have changed things.    

[noelle303]

I mean, we can't deny the fact that the relationships we observe as children between our parents shape the way we see relationships in the future. We learn best by example.

 

However, there are so many different environmental factors that come into play here, that it becomes hard to say how it will play out for your children. My parents have a very healthy and happy marriage for over 30 years. I personally have no interest whatsoever in marriage and am very emotionally distant with partners.

 

I always tell people, I plan to show my daughter how to be happy and content and have a good relationship with herself. That's the best foundation for a good relationship with other people.

[Pleasant-Sage]

I would say it is a common issue. Not everyone speaks the same love languages and most of us are not taught that there's even different love languages to be spoken.

 

Hind sight is 20/20. It will be difficult for you to teach your kids anything until they start participating in relationships of their own.

 

The main thing I will hammer into my kids is don't be a cheater. Playing stupid games earns you stupid prizes....so don't do it.

 

Other than that, I'll give them advice as they need it.

[preraph]

You lead your children by how you live and what you do, Number 1.  Whatever they grow up with, they will for the most part see that as the norm.  So you lead by example.  If you're an abused spouse, you leave the abuser behind and show them not to stay in an abusive relationship.  You go to work and work hard and come home and take care of your family because that's what it takes.  

[JoeyArnold]

22 hours ago, preraph said:

You lead your children by how you live and what you do, Number 1.

 

Exactly. Lead by example.

[Mr. Lucky]

On 12/15/2019 at 8:23 AM, Steve40th396 said:

 And if so, what can I do to ensure my daughters are better prepared..
I will say, If I was this knowledgeable at the beginning of my marriage, it would not be the end of the marriage now.

 

 

One could assume from your last sentence that, to a certain extent, the die is already cast.  Having seen the highs and lows of your marriage, your daughters have been affected to the degree nurture overcomes nature each in their own way..

 

As others have said, relationship values are no different than life values..  If you model integrity, consideration, respect, compassion and affection to the extent you can as a fallible human, they'll learn and absorb based on their personality and character.  It's also important to show them what we do when we make mistakes, either of conduct or judgement, and how we ask forgiveness and make amends.

 

Good people tend to have good marriages...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

[Gaeta]

I was raised by loving parents. I have never heard my father raise his voice at my mother, and never heard them argue at all. They had issues but solved them in private. I grew up and married a man that was controlling, verbally and physically abusive. I asked myself how I ended up with a violent man when my father was the embodiment of respect. Now in my 50is I understand that my family taught me how to love, serve, help, but they didn't teach me how to look out for myself, and didn't prepare me to defend myself against controlling men. I just assumed growing up that all men were like my dad. 

 

Then I became a mother. I taught my daughter to look out for herself. I taught her how to recognize control and manipulation. I taught her to never accept being called names and being force to do something she isn't ready for. I will always remember when she was 17 and came home crying. She announced she had broken up with her new boyfriend. I asked why! and she said he had called her 'stupid'. I couldn't believe it, I asked her you broke up with him because he called you stupid? She replied yes. I was so proud of her, I knew I had taught her something important. 

 

Your daughters will grow up and make their own relationship mistakes and they'll learn from it and so on and it's ok but the one thing you don't want them to go through is an abusive relationship. I think it's important as a father that you teach your girls how to recognize early the bad ones. 

Edited December 20, 2019 by Gaeta

[vla1120]

Since you are already separated and going through a divorce, my advice is too late. I don't know what your marriage looked like to your children. However, you might find that their future relationships will model the example you and your wife gave them.  My daughters, for example, saw infidelity and betrayal. When my middle child was 5, she was the one who found my husband "with" my best friend two doors down from our house. 

Early in my marriage, my mother and grandmother pulled me aside and told me to let my husband be the leader of the family, man of the house, the boss. I told them both I could not afford to do that since I was always the main breadwinner and he spent the first half of our marriage out of work. Someone had to take the lead and provide for our family. Since he stunk at that, the responsibility fell to me. I remember being SO angry at my mother and grandmother for basically telling me to be subservient rather than to take the bull by the horns and provide for my family the best I could, like I was forced to.

From that moment, I decided to teach my daughters not to rely on ANYONE to take care of them or provide for them. They needed to be able to provide for themselves as well as any children they might have. It's fine if they decide to be stay at home moms and raise their kids rather than putting them in daycare, but they still better have a means to support themselves and their children in the event something happens (premature death, husband leaves, etc.)

So, bottom line - IMO - you can teach your daughters that their relationship should be mutually respectful, etc., but it all depends on the mate they choose. You have no control over him, or who they choose. Therefore, most importantly, you better teach them to be strong and independent so they can stand on their own and support themselves and any children they may bring into this world.

Edited February 4, 2020 by vla1120

[Els]

I don't think it's something that you can specifically teach someone, but if you do your best to raise them to be good people and self-sufficient adults, you'd give them a better chance than most.

I will always be glad that H's mother taught and expected him to do household chores, for one thing. It's not common in our culture for boys to be expected to do that, and is part of the reason why so many of them turn out to be pretty awful husbands. I mean, imagine being married to an adult man who has no idea how to do the dishes or put a bedsheet on, good lord.

[RecentChange]

Like others have said - it really comes down to setting an example. Actions not words have the most lasting impact. 

My parents divorced when I was 5. I do recall some fighting, and honestly, my mother was mentally ill and fairly difficult. Maybe I didn't get it when I was very young, but I did understand as I grew older.

From 5 till 12 I lived primary with him.

First lessons my dad taught me, respect yourself and command respect from others. Capable is much more important than "pretty". That independence is valuable, and to never rely on someone else to take care of me (touching on what vla brought up - I was taught to lead not follow).

He remarried when I was 12 to a really lovely woman. Strong, independent, smart, successful, and just happy, someone who is comfortable in her own skin, derives joy from serving the less fortunate etc.

I have never seen them fight, it's clear that they love each other and enjoy their life together. A great example of how things should be done. I have been with my husband 19 years, and my siblings have happy marriages that have past the 25 year mark

[carhill]

My parents were married for life. Dad's 1st wife took up wit another man during WW2 while he was in Italy. I wish he'd talked about that. The realities of women and how they can be. I looked up his ex-wife last year and she apparently died in 2019 at age 98. Never gave up his name. One of two half-sisters I never knew also had died. The other is in her 80's now. In comparison my life was as my exW put it, Beaver Cleaver. Lousy prep for the realities of women and marriage in my generation. Perhaps it's merciful we never had kids, IDK

[Gr8fuln2020]

I had great parents as I was growing up. My parents were married for 27 years and things fell apart. We were all adults and on our own by then, but we (my siblings and I) feel that we had a pretty stable upbringing. My sister and I have been divorced once and relationships have not always been too fruitful since. Teach your children to be kind, mindful, and self-advocating. Kind not stress the self-advocating enough. I have a daughter and I am going to do what I can to provide her the tools to being an independent and confident young woman who is not going to acquiesce to social norms that keep her from being self-empowered, etc. You can be a good parent or a crappy one...the rest is up to your children when they are on their own. It's been like this since the dawn of human kind.