A little depressing

[HappySenior]

I recently got divorced. No real wish to date anyone after a (verbally) abusive relationship. I'm mostly focused on myself, new friends, new church, taking a class, etc. 

 

However...  I can't tell you how many ways I was taken advantage of in that relationship/marriage. I had my eyes open, but I kept telling myself the problems just weren't worth leaving for... Until finally they were. I wasn't getting anything a marriage is supposed to give you. NOT a close friend I could trust, not support... It was all about sex only for him.

 

So...  I find out that two weeks after the divorce is final he is sleeping with someone already.  Not even time to get disease tested (and I KNOW he does not use condoms).  I've seen her - she looks similar to me, same body type, same hair, same soft voice...  I'm not jealous of him, I am scared for her.  He "lovebombed" me and I fell for him before I could see clearly. Once in, it's really hard to get out.  The truth is, he was never in love with me - he was in love with what I did for him: setting up his electronic equipment, helping him lift things, carry things, keep up housekeeping, and of course sex. (I have a hgh libido, so that was never a problem.)

 

I know this woman is falling for the act, and she's going to get as hurt as I did. I was a shell of myself when I finally got the strength to leave and separate.  

I suppose it probably wouldn't help to warn her.  All he wants is sex and I know he won't be honest, as he wasn't honest with me and he has been known to tell old girlfriends "I love you" in order to sleep with them before.

 

Talk me out of warning her please.  I am fine except for being shocked he could find another victim that fast!  

Ladies we must be more careful before sleeping with some guy we barely know!  But women my age are rather desperate sometimes.

 

 

[preraph]

She may have the skills to recognize him as trouble before you did. What you need to do is stop letting anyone keep you updated on him and not watch his social media and block him every way in the world from contacting you and get completely uninvolved and away from it. Why keep yourself upset by staying involved in a voyeuristic way. 

 

You know he's bad news so of course he's going to move right on to the next victim. Sorry this was horrible for you. The sooner you put him completely behind you, the more of your life you can salvage.

[smackie9]

OK snap out of it. You are focusing waaaaaay too much on what he is doing, you shouldn't even be paying attention and simply not have anything to do with him. Why the obsession? Saving her from this man with give you some comfort from what he did to you? That's not how things work. This person is with him of her own free will, she is an adult. If she doesn't take precautions that's on her, and the choices she makes. She is not you. It's very possible she will see though his bs and not neglect the red flags like you did. Even if you say anything, you are getting involved in something you have no right in doing. It's none of your business, because you two have parted ways. You need to forget about him, and stop checking up on what he is doing or accept any of his messages. If you truly want to feel better, move on, and worry about healing yourself. Trying to help her will not set you free.

Edited December 15, 2019 by smackie9

[HappySenior]

Well I am definitely working on healing myself for one thing. Largely okay. This is something I found out about accidentally. (Friend of a friend type stuff.)

 

There's always been a part of me that hates injustice in the world. You're right that it's none of my business and yet the fact that he's getting away with this kind of intentional behavior , bothers me a lot.  I know it shouldn't surprise me since he's been getting away with bad behavior way before me. What surprises me is so many women over forty or fifty  not being very savvy.  Makes me want to teach classes in how to avoid the scenario I just went through.

 

I'm also thinking that while it is natural for married women to avoid hanging out with newly single women, they really should.  Because that is where you can gather information on what to avoid if you should ever lose your marriage through death or divorce. If you've been married a long time (as I was previously), it is difficult to know how to recognize red flags.

 

This isn't something I've been focused on, by any means. I just found out today and like I say, it's a bit of a shock. It's just my first instinct is to say "look out!" to someone I know is going to get used.  We were only dating and trying to reconcile a few weeks ago before I finally gave up on any improvement. (We had already filed previously, and it went through.)

 

I have to admit that part of it is ego.  I was worth so much more than he gave me credit for - which is why I have made so many friends since early spring and they are -close- friends which means I can tell them anything and vice versa. I've made huge strides, working on myself, losing 25 pounds (so far), taking online classes etc.  I suppose this is a trigger - that it makes me feel like I am in competition (with him, not her).  What is that?  I know darn well that if I date, it will take me away from the self-improvements I am working on and stall my progress. I know I NEED this time out.

 

I think maybe there is still a tiny part of me that still wants to believe underneath it all he cared about me. When all the evidence all along has been just the opposite.  My friends and family prove I am lovable. It IS lonely without even the appearance of intimacy though.  I walk into church by myself - talk to a lot of people - and leave by myself.

 

But online dating is disillusioning and I am determined not to do that again. If it doesn't happen naturally, it is probably not worth anything.

I guess my next move is to find some activity I love with more "people at large" to be around with one or more of the many hobbies I have. Problem is, I'm a bit of a nerd - there aren't many of those my age.

 

 

27 minutes ago, preraph said:

She may have the skills to recognize him as trouble before you did. What you need to do is stop letting anyone keep you updated on him and not watch his social media and block him every way in the world from contacting you and get completely uninvolved and away from it. Why keep yourself upset by staying involved in a voyeuristic way. 

 

You know he's bad news so of course he's going to move right on to the next victim. Sorry this was horrible for you. The sooner you put him completely behind you, the more of your life you can salvage.

Oh and he's not on Social Media whatever.  It'd be too easy to spot the patterns that way I'm sure.  I will ask the friend to not update me though.

Edited December 15, 2019 by HappySenior

[HappySenior]

This was somewhat helpful.  Rant over. She'll likely find out soon enough. I saw signs after two weeks but didn't recognize them.

 

https://www.insider.com/dont-be-jealous-of-your-narcissistic-exs-new-partner-2017-9

 

[FMW]

Even if you warned her, she likely would not believe you and just think you are jealous or vindictive.  

 

Do your best to avoid seeing or hearing about him and put all your caring focus on yourself and adjusting to your new life. Learn from your past but don't dwell on it.  

[elaine567]

You are fresh out of a bad marriage.
Upset, angry, frustrated, grieving...
Your ex husband may or not be "a narcissist".
You will find just about everyone going through a bad break up thinks their spouse/bf/gf is  "a narcissist", but few actually are...
I am not saying he was a "perfect" man, but unhappy, angry, frustrated, disillusioned people can act out and once they are out of what is to them a bad relationship, they can become different people.
So whilst you want to "warn" his new gf, she and him may get along a whole lot better than you and he ever did.
You are well out of it.
It didn't work, keep moving on.
Keep out of it for your own sanity.

[HappySenior]

55 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You are fresh out of a bad marriage.
Upset, angry, frustrated, grieving...
Your ex husband may or not be "a narcissist".
You will find just about everyone going through a bad break up thinks their spouse/bf/gf is  "a narcissist", but few actually are...
I am not saying he was a "perfect" man, but unhappy, angry, frustrated, disillusioned people can act out and once they are out of what is to them a bad relationship, they can become different people.
So whilst you want to "warn" his new gf, she and him may get along a whole lot better than you and he ever did.
You are well out of it.
It didn't work, keep moving on.
Keep out of it for your own sanity.

Fair enough. Perhaps clinically he isn't.  I'm not qualified to say. However, if lovebombing, need to control and hypersensitivity are desirable traits in a mate, I'm in the dark about relationships. I did a LOT of changing trying to be what he wanted, and it still didn't work. Even hopping to his every request didn't stop the verbal abuse.  We went on the radio with licensed clinical psychologist and he didn't want to follow the guy's instructions. (So it was suggested I separate.)

 

I'm not exactly "fresh out". I bought my house a year ago last month, because I knew if I stayed with him I would not have any money left to do so. (Pre-nup plus paying my own medical and other bills despite the fact he had plenty of money and I only had my savings.)

 

"Obsession" (as someone else put it)  is an overuse of the word in my opinion.  I expected he would grab someone else quickly as he is very focused on sex. I just didn't expect someone would fall for it so soon. Exterior he does look like prince charming. Nice looking, lots of money, lots of cars, and kids who are always polite and nice. No, this is just the first instance where I'd been told he was with someone already and I'm just a bit shocked with it.  I realize it is partly not wanting to believe I was that easily replaced... however, I know in my head that is because I never really was special to him to begin with., and I did expect it would happen soon.  I was just someone to do what he wanted. Yes I am glad I am not in that position now.

 

I was looking for Prince Charming and he turned out to be a "Mambo Number Five" kind of guy - along with the verbal abuse.

Edited December 15, 2019 by HappySenior

[elaine567]

Being on this forum, i have found that for many men, sex is top priority.
It is no surprise that some men will happily jump from the marital bed into the first bed they can find as quickly as possible.
Some women seeing a newly separated/divorced/widowed man, especially one who is good looking with money and "with potential", will want to snap him up too.

[smackie9]

OP, most of us that are on here are in our 40's and 50's+. We are here for a reason.....to explain, teach, help people....to help people like yourself, so no worries, all of us on LS got this . If you wish to share your experience with other women by all means be a part of this great community. Could be beneficial to your healing process.

Edited December 16, 2019 by smackie9

[lurker74]

I make an amazing cheesecake. Really, it's life changing. Not only it is creamy, it's crumbly too, with so much richness that just a slim slice is enough to tide you over for a day. I learned from my older sister how to make it, and if I'm being honest, even though I follow her recipe very closely, hers is even better than mine. And, interestingly, sometimes when I make it, which isn't too often because it takes 18 hours to make, it comes out differently. Even though I think I am using the same ingredients, the result can change, sometimes better and sometimes worse. I even threw one out uneaten because it didn't meet my standards.

 

Your ex is the same way. Some people will think he's amazing and some will be ex-intolerant. They will introduce their own ingredients, which might make it better or worse, even if the ingredients look otherwise the same. That means you cannot warn her...her experience, despite being based on the same ingredients, will turn out differently. It might end up being a crap filled cheesecake, but it's still her cheesecake. Which is largely why warning her won't work; because she comes to it with her own thoughts and experiences.

 

The idea of "saving" someone is laudable but at the end of the day, you cannot do it. And also because you're too close to it to see it objectively. So as @smackie9 said, stay for the stories here. But avoid trying to save anyone but yourself.

[d0nnivain]

She won't believe you even if you do warn her.  You will come across as a bitter jealous EX.  If anything you say may cement their relationship because she may dig in her heals with him just to spite you.  

 

Stay out of it.  You are well rid of him.  He's her problem.  Let her deal with it.  You are not responsible for her decisions.  

Edited December 16, 2019 by d0nnivain

[HappySenior]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

She won't believe you even if you do warn her.  You will come across as a bitter jealous EX.  If anything you say may cement their relationship because she may dig in her heals with him just to spite you.  

 

Stay out of it.  You are well rid of him.  He's her problem.  Let her deal with it.  You are not responsible for her decisions.  

Good point. As a matter of fact, several years ago I had a chance to "lose" him after he slept with an ex-girlfriend and didn't tell me and it probably triggered my sense of competition at the time.  I guess that is one of the reasons I was fooled into thinking he was  "the good stuff" because both his ex's wanted him back.  Of course they weren't with him 24 hours/7 days like I was and it was probably the fun they missed... The fancy restaurants, the boating, the trips and vacations... They never lived with him and shared (tried to share) responsibilities or finances. The only "I love yous" were in bed - as recent as a month ago. 

 

In the end, it was finances that drove me into separation. I was paying for everything anyway and I had to get a house before I ran out of money or I would be broke and stuck with him. I'm so glad I did. It's not much, but I am comfortable - and safe. Also the trips to and from Florida were nerve-wracking with his aggressive driving. I just couldn't face that again.

 

Yes I will be here spotting those tendencies when they are described! 

 

I've been reading here a long long time. It's amazing how much we let pass by and how quickly we "give it up" without really knowing who we are with. Once those hormones kick it, it blinds us pretty completely - or at least gives us too much hesitation when we should bail.

[stillafool]

I agree that telling her will just make you look like the jealous ex and will cement their relationship.  It's best to block any and everything that will give you info into his life.  She looks like you because everyone has a type they like appearance wise.  Block yourself from seeing anything about him.  BTW, you were special to him at one point that is why he chose to marry you.  Stop selling yourself short.

[kendahke]

Don't assume she's going into anything with him the exact same unprepared way you went into it. You two have completely different upbringings and experiences that make each of you who you are today.  She may be ready for his BS where you weren't checking for it until it was too late.

 

My advice is to stay out of it unless she comes and asks you for your opinion/advice. All you will accomplish with this "all women are sisters" stuff is having your behind handed back to you for not minding your own business.  If you're really done with your ex, let your actions illustrate that. They're both adults and are more than capable to figuring out life for themselves.

 

Quote

This is something I found out about accidentally. (Friend of a friend type stuff.)

Tell your friends to stop running and telling on him to you. If they're truly your friends, they don't want to bring anything to you that causes issues--and that's exactly what they're doing. 

Edited December 16, 2019 by kendahke

[stillafool]

OP don't be thrown off because he is dating already.  That is what men do because they want S-E-X.  Even my Dad, when 70, got right back out there 1 month after he buried his wife and is now remarried.

Edited December 16, 2019 by stillafool

[FMW]

My ex husband moved his 20 something year old stripper girlfriend in with him before our divorce was final.  

[HappySenior]

Well I'm alright. I had a great Christmas with family and after a few days, I am really not affected or sad or anything. But he'd better not try to come back my way as he has done so many times before, because for me that pretty much put any relationship with him in the can. I'd always suspected he was still looking while we were married and just wasn't acting on it because I was always around. Now I'm certain of it. 

[Mr. Lucky]

On 12/27/2019 at 5:07 PM, HappySenior said:

But he'd better not try to come back my way as he has done so many times before, because for me that pretty much put any relationship with him in the can.

New Year's resolution - less time thinking about him and what he might do and more time focusing on what sounds like a bright future.

Eyes ahead...

Mr. Lucky

[HappySenior]

8 hours ago, Mr. Lucky said:

New Year's resolution - less time thinking about him and what he might do and more time focusing on what sounds like a bright future.

Eyes ahead...

Mr. Lucky

Agreed. Right now I'm trying to code an html page before I start a new web site and don't have the time. 🙂

I went out by myself NYE - saw a beautiful light show, had dinner out, came home to watch the New York NYE programming until the ball dropped. Had strawberries and chocolate and hot chocolate for dessert. I probably had a better time than I did with him last NYE.
After so many years dealing with **** I have learned how to pick myself up and dust myself off pretty good. 

[notbroken]

Move on.  Whoever he is dating is absolutely none of your business.   Ignore it and everything about him.  The less you think about him the better off you will be.