On and off again affair for almost 15 years

[Beentheretoooften]

I wonder if OP has even been on here to read her results.  I’d be very curious to see what she thinks or any updates to her situation?  I wonder if she just posted and left?   I hope she gets help.   

[Dimjo9]

Hi Carly_Rey88,

Lawyers work long hours because of the demands of the job & the responsibility towards clients.

I bet you are well provided (nice home, vacations, etc.).. the competition is tough & usually you have to be a partner for stabilization of working hours.

Studying in Law School is like going to war everyday the professors will ask questions & shame the student if he can’t answer. This is part of the hardening & toughing up especially on the emotion side.

Do you know the sacrificed he has to endure & the monetary spent to finished ?? We get married thinking our Spouse is our partner for better or for worse ? 
 

Your husband Is trying to established a career & had you waited the hours you want will be more than enough to compensate for lost time.

Its water under the bridge since your affair is full blown.. your family ( H & kids ) are like doormats that can be thrown away anytime.

Please have the courage to come clean, admit the affair, make timeline.. have yourself tested for STD especially Aids.. Mike the guy i bet you is sleeping with other woman not just you. I have absolutely no respect for guys like them, they have the lowest of morals like snakes they crawl & stalked their prey.

You should have just ask for a divorce on grounds of “irreconcilable differenceS”, co-parenting for your kids instead of shaming your family.

Inform also your immediate families of what you have done & ask for penance. I pity your kids, what kind of upbringing will you teach them? 
 

You are replaceable.. Do you know beautiful ladies likes Men who are educated, financially stable & well cultured.. ( they find this sexy & very appealing )..

Lastly, please tell Mike the law of karma works this way “what comes around, go around”.. “the cry of the oppressed & aggrieved, Heaven listen” thats why in Law “ The symbol of justice is blindfolded, he weighs on evidence “..

I hope & pray that your husband, kids will be able to find someone in the future that will love them for who they are.. 

 

[Hip Pocket]

On 12/19/2019 at 4:47 PM, DKT3 said:

Yeah, at 18 she was in above her head,  and many of the poor decisions she made has been a direct result of that. She was preyed upon and in Stockholm syndrome style she is stuck.  I do have an issue with her not only involving another man but having three children with him and now here trying to make him out to be the bad guy. In that I have no empathy. 

Any husband and father who works until 9pm nightly and works weekends too is a bad guy. He’s an absentee father and husband and deserves exactly what he gets. He likely sees himself as a hero for providing for his family but where’s the guidance, the presence, and the overall commitment to his loved ones? He’s a workaholic who is missing out on the important stuff. If Carly stays with him at least the kids have a roof over their heads and the idea of a whole family unit (but just an idea) and if her affair is plugging the holes of the sinking ship then the idea remains intact. 
 

Some posters seems to forget that she said the affair was off and on. That matters in this story. It matters because it shows that she truly tried to make her M work. But her H isn’t trying at all, he’s just throwing a paycheck into the account and showing up for family picture day. 

[Dimjo9]

2 hours ago, Pocket said:

Any husband and father who works until 9pm nightly and works weekends too is a bad guy. He’s an absentee father and husband and deserves exactly what he gets. He likely sees himself as a hero for providing for his family but where’s the guidance, the presence, and the overall commitment to his loved ones? He’s a workaholic who is missing out on the important stuff. If Carly stays with him at least the kids have a roof over their heads and the idea of a whole family unit (but just an idea) and if her affair is plugging the holes of the sinking ship then the idea remains intact. 
 

Some posters seems to forget that she said the affair was off and on. That matters in this story. It matters because it shows that she truly tried to make her M work. But her H isn’t trying at all, he’s just throwing a paycheck into the account and showing up for family picture day. 

Hi Pocket. I will tackle the H job as a lawyer as this is the subject of our premise..

After Law school & passing the qualifying exams to be full pledge we have to work in a firm. We start from the bottom list of lawyers & work our way one step at a time..

Depending on the specialization of the firm ( criminal, corporate, tax, etc.. ). The amount of research work is tremendous as competition is high.

In time depending on the Lawyers connection & progress that he will be made a partner ( Senior or Junior ); If he is politically connected or the family is known In the legal circles turn around will be fast..

Still he has to work hard ( research, reading & socials ) to keep himself updated.. The theory of law school is anchored on “ LOGiC “. Lots of readings on Court rulings, anecdotes & resolutions which you have to connect on the case you are handling for a specific client.

Now, to all the H or W that are not lawyers but their type of work are VARIABLE SCHEDULES, INCLUDING WEEKENDS, HOLIDAYS 12hour  shift 10 days on / 7days OFF, ROTATING SHIFTS.. to follow your statement they are all BAD SPOUSES ??

Then all Political Leaders, Soldiers in the frontline, Healthcare Professionals, Scientist, Seafarers, etc.. are all BAD SPOUSES.. They deserve to be cheated ??

Our subject’s only mistake HE MARRIED THE WRONG WIFE !!

 

 

 

 

 

[Allupinnit]

@Dimjo9 - SERIOUSLY.  If they guy was in Med school killing himself during residency would that also be reason to cheat?  What about earning a Masters while also working full time?  Or working a part-time job to pay off debt?  Those are all poor choices for a spouse??  Life happens, marriage is not always going to be rosy.  You plug the holes in your marriage together through hard work, effort and commitment.  You know - what you signed up for. 

[Dimjo9]

1 hour ago, Allupinnit said:

@Dimjo9 - SERIOUSLY.  If they guy was in Med school killing himself during residency would that also be reason to cheat?  What about earning a Masters while also working full time?  Or working a part-time job to pay off debt?  Those are all poor choices for a spouse??  Life happens, marriage is not always going to be rosy.  You plug the holes in your marriage together through hard work, effort and commitment.  You know - what you signed up for. 

Hi Allupinnit,

You said it all 👍🏻👍🏻

[Hip Pocket]

On 1/28/2020 at 9:46 AM, Dimjo9 said:

Hi Pocket. I will tackle the H job as a lawyer as this is the subject of our premise..

After Law school & passing the qualifying exams to be full pledge we have to work in a firm. We start from the bottom list of lawyers & work our way one step at a time..

Depending on the specialization of the firm ( criminal, corporate, tax, etc.. ). The amount of research work is tremendous as competition is high.

In time depending on the Lawyers connection & progress that he will be made a partner ( Senior or Junior ); If he is politically connected or the family is known In the legal circles turn around will be fast..

Still he has to work hard ( research, reading & socials ) to keep himself updated.. The theory of law school is anchored on “ LOGiC “. Lots of readings on Court rulings, anecdotes & resolutions which you have to connect on the case you are handling for a specific client.

Now, to all the H or W that are not lawyers but their type of work are VARIABLE SCHEDULES, INCLUDING WEEKENDS, HOLIDAYS 12hour  shift 10 days on / 7days OFF, ROTATING SHIFTS.. to follow your statement they are all BAD SPOUSES ??

Then all Political Leaders, Soldiers in the frontline, Healthcare Professionals, Scientist, Seafarers, etc.. are all BAD SPOUSES.. They deserve to be cheated ??

Our subject’s only mistake HE MARRIED THE WRONG WIFE !!

 

 

 

 

 

Lots of jobs require extra work to make it to the top. I know a lot of lawyers who are great fathers and husbands who invest in their Ms and children. This guy doesn’t seem to have the right balance to make it all work. 

[DKT3]

When you're a criminal your actions seem normal and obvious when you hang out with other criminals.  However,  when you hang out with law abiding individuals those same actions seem odd and out of place.  

OP went into this marriage with two clear understanding 1) she was involved with another man 2) her husband worked alot. 

OP is gone. 

[oldtruck]

OP, there is no justification to cheat on your marriage.

you were and still are a broken person for thinking at 18 that it was ok to be in an affair.

your actions put yourself in the  middle of the OMW's marriage.

you are justified to divorce your BH if your marriage is that bad. 

you must confess to your BH because in the name of justice your BH deserves to

learn the truth. you withholding  the truth from your BH is forcing him to live a life

based on lies.

 

the truth shall set you both free to repair and recover the marriage or free to live a new

life free from each other.

[stillafool]

On 1/28/2020 at 9:51 AM, Pocket said:

Any husband and father who works until 9pm nightly and works weekends too is a bad guy. He’s an absentee father and husband and deserves exactly what he gets.

If OP knew she was the needy type she shouldn't have married an attorney but a man who works 9 to 5.  She admits she knew he was going to be working long hours when she married him.   Maybe now she sees that those long hours don't work for her and she needs someone who is around more.  So she should ask for a divorce and be with Mike or a man who only works 9 to 5.  But to call the husband a bad guy just because he has a career that logs long hours is not fair.  Plus I'm sure OP doesn't want to give up the lifestyle that his long hours of work provide.  It gives her plenty of time to cheat.

Edited February 1, 2020 by stillafool

[Hip Pocket]

On 2/1/2020 at 7:08 AM, stillafool said:

If OP knew she was the needy type she shouldn't have married an attorney but a man who works 9 to 5.  She admits she knew he was going to be working long hours when she married him.   Maybe now she sees that those long hours don't work for her and she needs someone who is around more.  So she should ask for a divorce and be with Mike or a man who only works 9 to 5.  But to call the husband a bad guy just because he has a career that logs long hours is not fair.  Plus I'm sure OP doesn't want to give up the lifestyle that his long hours of work provide.  It gives her plenty of time to cheat.

I don’t care what the profession is, children need a father who is present, and so does a W. For all intents and purposes she is a single mother with the single added benefit of a paycheck which she could get in child support and alimony (if she’s been M long enough). If he’s a good person, he’ll realize that a family needs nurturing. 
 

My ex husband wasn’t a lawyer but he was a workaholic and didn’t provide any love or guidance to our kids who pretty much can’t stand him now and I can’t say I blame them. And he wonders why they don’t come visit him now as young adults. Consequences of an absentee father. 

[stillafool]

19 minutes ago, Pocket said:

For all intents and purposes she is a single mother with the single added benefit of a paycheck which she could get in child support and alimony (if she’s been M long enough). If he’s a good person, he’ll realize that a family needs nurturing. 

If this is so then she should have no problem moving forward with divorce.  She will get child support and perhaps alimony too.  More importantly for her, freedom to date other men.

[2BGoodAgain]

On 12/19/2019 at 4:29 PM, Beentheretoooften said:

2BGA, I love all your posts and all your views.   There a certain ones I go back and read when I’m not feeling well.   
much of what you say is true.  I believe that Mike actually loves her.  I feel like I read that whether the A is in full swing, or they were apart, he has been there for her regardless of the sex.  The LTA’s I feel belong in a separate category.   Mike is no more or less selfish than Carly.  You could make the case that Carly is more based on the A only going when she wants it.  Carly, I’m not saying this is a negative way at all, mind you.    I think for the short term, she should continue the A, especially if she thinks its keeping her M together.   She has some time to figure it out, because at the end of the day it’s gonna be a huge mess.    Furthermore, I would not disclose the A.   Nope.  No chance.  The M is in deeeep trouble, disclosing it in this scenario either ends it immediately, or if it doesn’t, it will never be the same. Although you can make an argument that both of those things would happen anyway.   2BGA, you know the longer these things go, you can’t turn back.   She’s 15+ years in. Started at 18 years old??  She’s hooked on Mike.    

sorry for the late reply, i honestly didn't see this.

the confession of the A was there, not b/c for the sake of truth or whatever, but for any chance of reconciliation... confessing vs being found out. also, to a even bigger point... by confessing, she's putting her eggs into the marriage she wants to save(IF she wants to)... otherwise, if she doesn't confess... 1) he won't realize the seriousness of the mess their marriage is in... 2) if she kept it a secret, she'll always go back to it... it's like burning the bridge, sort of thing. Of course, she can always go back and restart the affair, but it'll make it that much harder...

the point is... she has to make up her mind whether she wants to save her marriage or end it. IF she wants to save it, those were the steps she needed to do to get the maximum out of it. IF he gives up on her, well, then... regardless, she can move on with her life... instead of this limbo she's convinced herself is somehow sustainable. 

as for continuing the A... yeah, that's completely up to her... i realize it's been a 15yr affair on and off, and some might say at this point, it's gonna be a true hurt, whenever it ends... so why not keep at it? mebbe.

but as for Mike... he IS selfish... i'm sure he's not conniving in his head about how to use her, or what not.. i'm sure he's convinced himself that he cares about her, etc.. but if someone TRULY cares about you... they'll do what's best for YOU...not themselves. 

if he truly cared about her, he'd realize his part in her situation and think like an adult... not like a child who only sees what's infront of them... but long term.. 

I'm realizing now... months after my A, that I was truly a selfish person with my AP... I may be hurting now... well, not hurting anymore.. but definitely she never leaves my mind... but all those 12 years.... i wasn't thinking about her... even though i thought i'd fallen for her... i was really only thinking about myself, in the end... when i looked deep into my thoughts and actions... that's what it was.. it helped me let go of any anger/bitterness i felt toward my ex-AP...  so i'm not saying Mike is some sort of monster... he's a flawed human being like the rest of us... rationalizing, believing whatever justification he's come up with... but in the end, he IS thinking about himself and not her.. b/c no matter the pain/discomfort/hurt it'd cause him, if he truly cared about her, he'd walk away...  

 

[DKT3]

OP is gone, but I wanted to comment on a few things.

Love vs addiction.  We have OW/MW posting all the time about loving MM and confident he loves her. Love is a action that is usually in the best interest of its object. Addiction, while there maybe feelings,  is with conditions.  Those conditions are feelings dependent upon how that object serves ME. What's in there best interest is at best secondary opposed to what they do for me.

Secondly,  the work too much excuse is B.S. simply because she was involved in this affair long before she ever meet her husband.  

[Hip Pocket]

14 hours ago, DKT3 said:

OP is gone, but I wanted to comment on a few things.

Love vs addiction.  We have OW/MW posting all the time about loving MM and confident he loves her. Love is a action that is usually in the best interest of its object. Addiction, while there maybe feelings,  is with conditions.  Those conditions are feelings dependent upon how that object serves ME. What's in there best interest is at best secondary opposed to what they do for me.

Secondly,  the work too much excuse is B.S. simply because she was involved in this affair long before she ever meet her husband.  

You lost me in your definition of addiction. 
 

Regarding the working too much being bs, it doesn’t matter when her on again/off again affair started. It started and ended and she said she gave her M a good try (when the OM was out of the picture) but that her H was never around and lost all interest in sex, IIRC. Being absent and platonic are relationship killers, you don’t need an affair to be the reason.