What’s In the mind of a cheater?

[Diggity11]

In the mind of a cheater 

Have you ever cheated and if so how long (length of days , months , years) was the physical (sex) affair? 

Was it easy easy to stop the affair?
Was the sex better than bf/gf or spouse?
Was you torn between on moving on with lover or staying?
Did you tell lover what you don’t like about bf/gf or spouse?
Did you or would you tell lover they are better in bed?
Did you have unprotected sex?
Did have sex in the same bed or house as your bf/gf or spouse?
Did you or where you falling in love or how was your feelings toward your lover?

please respond to each question as I have been cheated on and would like to know what goes in the mind of a cheater

[smackie9]

Why are you so intent on knowing?

[preraph]

What's in the mind of a cheater is not much. Just selfishness and lack of empathy. 

 

Of course in order to be a cheater first you have to have agreed to be in a committed relationship. sometimes I think both men and women are too quick to assume they're in one when they're not. It doesn't hurt any less when you think someone loves you even though you're not in a committed relationship and then you find out they're seeing other people while giving you the impression that they're all into you. That's where the lack of empathy comes in. 

Edited December 18, 2019 by preraph

[some_username1]

8 minutes ago, preraph said:

What's in the mind of a cheater is not much. Just selfishness and lack of empathy. 

 

Of course in order to be a cheater first you have to have agreed to be in a committed relationship. sometimes I think both men and women are too quick to assume they're in one when they're not. It doesn't hurt any less when you think someone loves you even though you're not in a committed relationship and then you find out they're seeing other people while giving you the impression that they're all into you. That's where the lack of empathy comes in. 

With respect that’s a bit of a lazy response.

 

I cheated on the closest thing I’ll ever have to a soul mate and there was certainly empathy there or I wouldn’t have felt the immense guilt that I did. It felt so wrong that I couldn’t have sex with the girl I cheated on her with because I was thinking of my girlfriend and how I couldn’t do that to her. Cheaters do feel empathy and remorse if they are a naturally empathetic and caring person. It’s just easy to be lead off the beaten track by your emotions and insecurities when the opportunity arises though. 

 

As for the reasons why OP, it was all about my need for validation and insecurities. If you become comfortable in a relationship and take your partner for granted and are mentally weak you can succumb to a need to feel desired and have the “new-ness” of a love interest all over again. My friends all found this girl attractive (not that they didn’t find my current girlfriend attractive either) but she knocked them back so by pursuing her and having her return the interest it was a way of me showing my dominance in the group, but that was secondary to the need to feel like I was still attractive. It’s probably the worst mistake of my life, looking back.

[preraph]

That last paragraph is the very illustration of being selfish and all about yourself and wanting validation and being insecure and wanting to show your friends up.  Me, me, me.  With all due respect, that is all very self-centered.  If you have problems that need to be fixed, it's up to you to fix them, and there's no shame in it.  We all have problems, and I think most of us have insecurities, but if they're making you cheat or want to, better to not make it someone else's heartache and just work on those with a professional.  And if you take someone for granted in a relationship, again, that's on you.  

[HappySenior]

As a reformed cheater (4 relationships ago) the others are right.  It WAS about me me me.  In a relationship, both people deserve to get their needs met and I wasn't. (He wasn't either, but didn't complain and didn't tell me until the end, so that's another story altogether.) I did complain, for five years about the lack of sex and attention and what I saw as his lack of commitment. (I wanted to renew our vows and he passively kept passing up the chance. That should have told me something.)

 

There was another choice. I could have separated to see if he was motivated by my absence. But I didn't go that route. Some guy in another country was coming on to me online and I got involved. (There's more, but irrelevant here.) I basked in the attention, and to some extent it solved my "Daddy issues" because the AP was so much older. There was mostly talk with some online sex involved. (Note - not physical, which is partly why I gave into the urge.)

 

Well, my S.O. was unhappy about it - but still refused to go to counseling or solve the libido problem. I can say I was much overweight and probably he just was not attracted to me anymore because of that. I started losing weight during this online affair - the AP made me feel so much "okay" about myself. He could point out my shortcomings so I'd be aware of them and yet make me feel good at the same time. (Except for the lack of morals, he should have been a therapist.)

 

Anyway, someone at work was attracted to my S.O., saw the unhappiness and stepped up to "make him happy". He wasn't at first. He came home angry and when I inquired, he insisted he was angry about the changes as work and never mentioned HIS AP.  I missed the signs, I was too focused on starting to make myself a better person after all this "therapy".  My affair was actually winding down and I likely would have ended it soon - I did anyway as soon as I found out about his.

 

Long story short. I came out of the experience a better person, but it came at the price of losing the love of my life (at least my life so far).  The problems needed solving, but I chose the wrong route to do it. There are always other choices or at least other ways to deal with problems. I was mostly dependent on him. Over the years I've changed in that regard; I live on my own and handle things on my own and except for the desire to cuddle, I have no desire to date.

 

I've had four relationships (two very short and two long ones) since, and I've not cheated on any of them - though a couple probably deserved it - including my recent ex.  I'll be very surprised if life hands me another chance at love like that one. Seems silly to have grown up so much just to end up alone, but life doesn't always give a fairy tale ending and it is very RARE for an affair to have one.  (The jury is still out on that. They married, are still married and still alive so far. )

 

So yes, affairs are definitely me me me. There are reasons, but no justifications. It's better to just separate, or leave rather than betray someone's trust. Movies make it sound so "doable" and that it is okay to justify anything for love. But infatuation is not love and affairs always start with that.  They always begin with humans wanting for themselves the good feelings they get from flirting and having someone meet emotional needs. Which is why not to let anyone but your partner meet those needs. A long ago and far away lesson...

 

(I am still trying to learn what to do when you have no partner and are not ready for one!)

 

 

Edited December 18, 2019 by HappySenior
punctuation

[smackie9]

reasons for people cheating is more vast than you think.

[mark clemson]

Some people are not fully aware of their own insecurities or do not see them as character "flaws" per se to be "fixed". The current US president comes to mind as one example of such a person. He's apparently cheated a number of times. And of course Clinton too.

 

What do you suppose created a "need" in them to attain high office? If they were truly content with themselves, why bother to take that on? It takes all kinds...

 

Agree that a need for validation/need to feel attractive is one reason.

 

A few other possible ones:

- Simple sexual desire

- Feeling unhappy with the relationship (but not ready to actually leave it)

- Feeling that one hasn't "tried out" enough partners or sexual activities

- Midlife crisis

- "Falling" for someone such as a friend or coworker (ie, triggering limerence, which can lead to extremely intense, addictive desire for someone well beyond normal "lust")

- Revenge for something your partner did.

[preraph]

^ Narcissism is practically a requisite to becoming famous or powerful.  Nearly every man in any kind of power I've come across was cheating.  Me, me, me.  And the less popular with women they were before getting power, the more they ran wild without regard to anyone but themselves once they got the chance.    I just say don't get/stay married if you're going to sneak around and betray someone to get sex, that's all.  I have zero problem with chronic bachelors.  

 

 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

And the less popular with women they were before getting power, the more they ran wild without regard to anyone but themselves once they got the chance. 

 

Misogyny probably.

[Piddy]

If you've ever been cheated on and you really loved the person that did the cheating, then you know it's the worst emotional (hurt) feeling you can experience.  Of course it's a selfish act.  And no one will ever convince me it's not about the sex. 

 

Men want the physical act and some women may want the emotional attention that they get in addition with the sex.  In any case the responsibility for cheating is solely on the cheater.  There is nothing the person who was cheated on could do to justify the cheating by their partner.

 

Also, if you truly love the person you're in a relationship with then it's impossible for you to cheat.  Why?  Because someone you love that much, you would never want to hurt that badly.  

 

Cheating is a fatal character flaw.  It leaves scar tissue that is there for a lifetime.  The real problem is men who cheat think with their little head instead of their big head and women think with their vaginas instead of their brains as well.  Cheating is a selfish, sociopathic act that is the worst thing you can do to your partner in a relationship,  period.... 

Edited December 19, 2019 by Piddy

[RecentChange]

On 12/15/2019 at 9:31 PM, Diggity11 said:

In the mind of a cheater 

Have you ever cheated and if so how long (length of days , months , years) was the physical (sex) affair? A few days of sex scattered over a few months

Was it easy easy to stop the affair? - honestly, yes. Although like a bad addiction temptations would pop up again.

Was the sex better than bf/gf or spouse? - no not "better" but at times more exciting

Was you torn between on moving on with lover or staying? - no never, it was always clear it was a fling and nothing more

Did you tell lover what you don’t like about bf/gf or spouse? - nope, we avoided talking about spouses, and never heard of said anything bad. It wasn't about them. 

Did you or would you tell lover they are better in bed? - no, complimented his girth but that's it.

Did you have unprotected sex? NEVER

Did have sex in the same bed or house as your bf/gf or spouse? Never at my place - but we had been to his. 

Did you or where you falling in love or how was your feelings toward your lover? Nothing close to love, didn't have any real feelings for him. But I did like the way he made me feel about myself (ego boost)

please respond to each question as I have been cheated on and would like to know what goes in the mind of a cheater

 

I answered, but I don't think it will give you any insight as to why your partner cheated.  

 

Honestly, I doubt ruminating on it will do much good. Answers to these questions by strangers won't bring you peace or really answer "why?"

[Caauug]

I like the idea of this thread but it will not answer why it happened. What was in the mind of a WS at the time, is not likely the reason for the A. I was the BS but have had the opportunity to be the WS at times but have always said no as my values mean a lot to me. 

 

It has taken me a while to grasp this idea, at first I said Bull Shlt but I am starting to lean this way. It may not be the end of the story but there is some truth in it. I think it is in the required reading also. 

 

https://www.infidelityhelpgroup.com/2015/02/06/are-affairs-about-sex/

 

Some of your questions..... How long? Better? In our bed? Etc really do not matter. What matters is the WS walked out on you and cheated "END OF STORY", well just about. Can the relationship be saved? is the question to ask.... Most times it is better to answer "No" to that AND walk away. There was a reason the WS cheated on you and it was not because they loved you too much.... WS will lie and cover up to save your feelings, lie yes, for you? NO. Everything is for them.

 

Above all else: Actions speak louder than words!!!

What have the actions been so far of the WS? Yes the affair included.

What actions after D-Day?

Is WS answering your questions? I would say no as you are here...

Is WS rug sweeping your feelings and questions/concerns?

Hot passionate sex is an action but you missed out on that with the affair, remember that if you are getting it now!!!

 

 

Words are cheap and easy to try and con you. Actions tell all!!!

 

I have the T-Shirt.....

[some_username1]

21 hours ago, preraph said:

That last paragraph is the very illustration of being selfish and all about yourself and wanting validation and being insecure and wanting to show your friends up.  Me, me, me.  With all due respect, that is all very self-centered.  If you have problems that need to be fixed, it's up to you to fix them, and there's no shame in it.  We all have problems, and I think most of us have insecurities, but if they're making you cheat or want to, better to not make it someone else's heartache and just work on those with a professional.  And if you take someone for granted in a relationship, again, that's on you.  

To a certain extent yes, but then you have to look at my life and ask why I wasn’t a secure, confident person and that has a lot to do with my upbringing and how I was treated by my parents which was out of my control. But I take full responsibility for the act of cheating and I’ve paid the heaviest price I possibly could have. But being that as it may it doesn’t mean that I never had any empathy or did it with no conscience or feeling. The outcome would have been even worse had I done so.

 

The worst thing of all is when you know that you didn’t have sex with the person because you couldn’t bring yourself to hurt your partner in that way but you can’t convince your partner of that and they assume you did it anyway. Although I do concede that it was mostly an emotional thing that was physical for a matter of minutes and my understanding is that to women the emotion is far more hurtful than the physical act and I can’t shy away from that aspect.

[2BGoodAgain]

On 12/16/2019 at 12:31 AM, Diggity11 said:

In the mind of a cheater 

Have you ever cheated and if so how long (length of days , months , years) was the physical (sex) affair? .........12yrs+

Was it easy easy to stop the affair?     .........no. like an addiction, even after ending it, we'd come back again and again and agian....
Was the sex better than bf/gf or spouse? .... yes and no....  initially, it was good, but it got better the more i connected with her..
Was you torn between on moving on with lover or staying? ...very.... i loved the feeling she gave me, b/c it boosted my self esteem/ego...
Did you tell lover what you don’t like about bf/gf or spouse?... of course... your AP becomes your confidant....
Did you or would you tell lover they are better in bed?... yes, b/c it was true....
Did you have unprotected sex? ... no... until the last time...
Did have sex in the same bed or house as your bf/gf or spouse? .... no, never.
Did you or where you falling in love or how was your feelings toward your lover?....head of heels, but that feeling of being in love... was a fantasy based on what i thought of her than reality.. no matter how many times you sleep with that person or hours and hours of conversation... the affair is based on perception and not reality... day in and day out.. it's the grass greener on the other side concept... feelings can be VERY deceptive.. 

please respond to each question as I have been cheated on and would like to know what goes in the mind of a cheater....

 

Not to excuse the behavior of the cheater, b/c the responsibility to cheat is solely on the cheater... so there's that. BUT there are causes/reasons why the cheater looks outside of their relationship. Reality is a bitch. Some face it and do the right thing... whether to solve it or not solve it. Sometimes the decision is too hard to make, sometimes, it's easier to cheat than to end the relationship b/c the person is afraid of taking the risk of not being in a relationship.. .sometimes, they're happy with 99% of the relationship, but it lacks that 1% that they're not willing to risk ending their relationship for... so they go outside the relationship to get their fix and they're happy to come back to the 99% of the relationship that is right for them... sometimes, though, this isn't common.. .they do it for the ego trip... to know they still can.

 

Whatever the reason the cheater cheats, ultimately, they decide to cheat.. no matter the rationalization they give or fool themselves into thinking.

 

my AP was in a marriage that was good on paper, but lack a few things she realized after having kids she truly wanted. Or at least, she thought she wanted. Who really knows.

My relationship hit bumps along the way... and some folks would have ended it, but i didn't want to lose what I had, but at the same time, I was unhappy with it. So instead of being an adult and kept pushing my point across... i decided the short term gain of not fighting or dealing with my reality and instead go find someone who seem to be into m e as much as I was into her.

 

We rationalized our decision by somehow making our relationship seem unique or special... love of a life time, kind of thing... to rationalize our decision to cheat... but in the end, that's all it was... and in the end, it changes you... 

 

there are resources out there by professional therapists for people who find they've been cheated on. I highly recommend you find it. It'll help you determine if you want to keep this relationship or let it go, and the steps you recommended to find out the best way to move on and find out things...whatever it is you need... at the very least, it'll be good for you. at the best, it may help save your relationship long term...

 

good luck to you, regardless what you decide.

[2BGoodAgain]

22 hours ago, some_username1 said:

With respect that’s a bit of a lazy response.

 

I cheated on the closest thing I’ll ever have to a soul mate and there was certainly empathy there or I wouldn’t have felt the immense guilt that I did. It felt so wrong that I couldn’t have sex with the girl I cheated on her with because I was thinking of my girlfriend and how I couldn’t do that to her. Cheaters do feel empathy and remorse if they are a naturally empathetic and caring person. It’s just easy to be lead off the beaten track by your emotions and insecurities when the opportunity arises though. 

 

As for the reasons why OP, it was all about my need for validation and insecurities. If you become comfortable in a relationship and take your partner for granted and are mentally weak you can succumb to a need to feel desired and have the “new-ness” of a love interest all over again. My friends all found this girl attractive (not that they didn’t find my current girlfriend attractive either) but she knocked them back so by pursuing her and having her return the interest it was a way of me showing my dominance in the group, but that was secondary to the need to feel like I was still attractive. It’s probably the worst mistake of my life, looking back.

 

agreed. 

 

Though, there is definitely selfishness involved, too. Sometimes. just knowing doesn't stop you. Just b/c you feel guilty, it doesn't stop you. You feel bad towards your relationship, but it doesn't stop you. After a while, like anything you do wrong over time, you grow more numb to it. Sure you feel bad at times, but it becomes less and less, as time goes on.. 

If you think of a drug addict... it's kind of that same kind of situation. YOu know it's wrong, you feel the guilt, perhaps... but you just gotta get your next fix. Like you, my fix was self esteem/insecurity boosted by my AP's acceptance of me and she would go to extremes to prove it to me. That validated my esteem even more. IN the end it was just a form of addiction.

 

but that's just the cause, it doesn't justify it. 

Edited December 19, 2019 by 2BGoodAgain

[carhill]

OP, noting you posted this topic and never returned to engage, here's the bottom line...

Each human is different and none of us can read the mind of the person who cheated on you. Any machinations of the mind offered are totally unique to the person offering them and generally filtered through social skills and a lifetime of lubricating human interaction to benefit oneself. That's what human beings are. We also lie. Every one of us, me included. If every liar was killed, the race would die out today, right now. 

I did notice you focused on physical 'sex' affairs. Here's a question for you - do you believe an emotional affair is infidelity or not?  Why?

[Diggity11]

On 12/18/2019 at 7:21 PM, RecentChange said:

 

I answered, but I don't think it will give you any insight as to why your partner cheated.  

 

Honestly, I doubt ruminating on it will do much good. Answers to these questions by strangers won't bring you peace or really answer "why?"

Thanks answering - I never cheated on anyone and I just wanted to know what goes in mind if someone who has cheated before. Was the sex better with your affair partner?  I do know why or was given a reason why I was cheated on. 

[kendahke]

On 12/16/2019 at 12:31 AM, Diggity11 said:

what's in the mind of a cheater?

Certainly not the one to whom they're supposed to be faithful.

[Brennan72]

The reasons behind male and female infidelity are different. The motivations and impulses tend to be very different, because biology, society & culture, affect men and women differently.

 

There has been quite a bit of research as of late into female infidelity, but if we paraphrase and narrow it down, it amounts to the following:

 

1. The "Mate-switching hypothesis" states that women will establish backup mates, or "Plan B" lovers and spouses, even if they are in happy, fulfilling relationships. Women may engage in a behavior called "tracking", which is simply scanning for potential replacements, and engaging with those replacements using verbal or non-verbal cues. Attending events or functions where those "Plan B" guys might be, or keeping in contact with these males through social media, etc. Sometimes these men are friends of their husband.

 

Now this is partly evolutionary and biological. If women depended on resources and protection from men, it made sense for them to have a backup if the primary male died or left. Women in the US initiate 70%+ of divorces.

 

But this ties into #2 which is

 

2. Open Hypergamy: which simply means marrying above one's social status, but can also mean moving to another partner if that partner presents a "better option", either as a better provider, a more attractive partner, or both. In dual-mating strategy, a woman may remain married to a man who is a provider, while having sex with a more physically attractive man on the side, as to get the "best of both worlds".

 

What does this mean? Well it means that women may cheat regardless of the value and stability a man brings to the table. A classic example is that of Clarence Mackay, a billionaire and devout Catholic family man, who married Katherine Duer. Even after building her a glorious mansion on the east coast, and establishing a family, she cheated on him with a more attractive man who had better connections in certain social circles.

 

But why do men cheat?

 

Well as we see here, it frequently involves seeking validation, variety, and to make up for what he isn't getting at home. Very few men cheat with the intention of breaking up the family or his domestic situation, and some continue loving their wives. When women cheat, they frequently establish close bonds to the other man, and overthrow the domestic situation. The husband gets replaced.

 

 

 

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

This is the most brilliant explanation on this you will ever hear for why men cheat:

 

 

[basil67]

On 12/23/2019 at 12:09 AM, Diggity11 said:

I do know why or was given a reason why I was cheated on. 

 

Your partner probably doesn't even know themselves.  

[thecrucible]

I cheated on a long term bf once when I was 21. It wasn't an emotional attachment, just the sex and wanting to feel attractive. My bf at the time had erectile dysfunction and blamed it on me before distancing himself from me and not showing me any affection for several months. I of course take full responsibility. I broke up with him straight after it happened. I have carried the guilt into every relationship since in the sense that while I know I won't cheat again, I am very judgemental of myself and what I may do wrong. I would rather someone hurt me than I hurt them.

[Diggity11]

58 minutes ago, thecrucible said:

I cheated on a long term bf once when I was 21. It wasn't an emotional attachment, just the sex and wanting to feel attractive. My bf at the time had erectile dysfunction and blamed it on me before distancing himself from me and not showing me any affection for several months. I of course take full responsibility. I broke up with him straight after it happened. I have carried the guilt into every relationship since in the sense that while I know I won't cheat again, I am very judgemental of myself and what I may do wrong. I would rather someone hurt me than I hurt them.

Thanks for sharing . I know you feel bad afterwards because you told him right after you had sex one time.  Imagine someone getting cheated on Long term. 

[DKT3]

People love to make cheating complicated.  Its not.  Cheaters are usually not horrible people.  

 

Cheating is simple,  selfishness usually with a large portion of delusions and wrapped up in the idea that they are too smart to ever get caught. 

 

I guarentee if cheaters believed that they would get caught,  no matter what rationalizations they have manufactured,  very few would actually do it. 

 

What they don't know,  right.