thecrucible Posted December 28, 2019 Share Posted December 28, 2019 @DKT3 - I know it's hard to believe but when I did it, it wasn't planned. I was drunk and impulsive. That doesn't excuse it but sometimes people are so messed up they don't even have awareness of their own actions or enough self-control. I was 20 so it was 10 years ago now but I tell you I still feel bad about it and it's permanently changed me. I didn't think about not getting caught because subterfuge wasn't my aim. I can hurt by being impulsive rather than conniving. I now drink much less so I actually know what's going on. @Diggity11 - Yes I can't imagine. I know it might sound rich from me but I would never do that. Ever since that one action in my life which I feel incredibly guilty about, I'm now just obsessed with honesty...I mean I wasn't especially dishonest before but I find it impossible to lie to anyone because of this guilt. I carry that with me...and btw when I cheated, I burst into tears in front of the guy and he was bewildered. In the end, I broke up with my bf and didn't pursue that guy as I'd decided that the only solution was to be alone. I didn't have another bf for eight years after that. I don't think it's especially helpful to say "once a cheater, always a cheater"....I know I've had experience of this but we have to assess each individual situation and decide then if that person has capacity for change. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 28, 2019 Share Posted December 28, 2019 ONS and affairs are very different. I believe that any and everyone can get caught up and have a one time thing. Affairs are a different animal. While not ok, its understandable that someone has to much to drink and before you know, having sex. It's hard to use that, I didn't plan it or I dont know how it happened excuse for an affair. Cant say I didnt think about, or not believe you would get caught. Link to post Share on other sites
Kaarek Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 Often the "cheaters" don't cheat because they're unhappy with their current partner or because something's wrong with their partner but quite the opposite. The supposed "cheater" as you call it is looking for a "new Self" a "New me" so he/she decides to "cheat" due to boredness or personal desires that they wish to discover. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 We all get bored...that isnt WHY they cheat. They cheat because they selfishly convince themselves it's ok or they are too smart to get caught. I'm constantly trying to convince people that whatever issues they face in marriage is not exclusive to them, there is something else that separates them who cheat from those who dont. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kaarek Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 Yeah, I actually used to knew someone that used to "Cheat" on her husband online and her reply to my question was this: "I love my husband, he spoils me and treats me as a princess, he doesn't know to say no and that's bad for him but I like the idea of cheating on him with another man, even if it's only online because it excites me and gets me horny by doing so" so the "desire" to cheat is often done by many loyal people, if you do some research many cheaters are people that have been dating the same person for 5, 10, 15 years and the reason for it? We all want to taste the "unknown" and enter the "forbidden" areas. Does it make it right? No, cheating is a choice you make consciously. @DKT3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 We dont all want a taste of something different. Your example only proves my point because 9 of 10 women would absolutely not cheat in your friends situation...so what factors make her different 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 Boundaries are fungible. We see that a lot in society in general. Part of the human hypocrisy dynamic. It's evident in cheaters who rationalize their own cheating but are outraged if a partner/spouse cheats. Duh, hypocrite. But, hey, it's legal! Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 2 hours ago, Kaarek said: Yeah, I actually used to knew someone that used to "Cheat" on her husband online and her reply to my question was this: "I love my husband, he spoils me and treats me as a princess, he doesn't know to say no and that's bad for him but I like the idea of cheating on him with another man, even if it's only online because it excites me and gets me horny by doing so" so the "desire" to cheat is often done by many loyal people, if you do some research many cheaters are people that have been dating the same person for 5, 10, 15 years and the reason for it? We all want to taste the "unknown" and enter the "forbidden" areas. Does it make it right? No, cheating is a choice you make consciously. @DKT3 It's really just an ego thing. A desire to be desired. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 1 hour ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: It's really just an ego thing. A desire to be desired. Especially when they are not or perceive they are not getting the attention they feel they deserve. Some just want basic love and attention from at least one person in their lives, others want a whole lot "more" - one person is not or never will be enough... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 Just now, elaine567 said: Especially when they are not or perceive they are not getting the attention they feel they deserve. Some just want basic love and attention from at least one person in their lives, others want a whole lot "more" - one person is not or never will be enough... Exactly. Link to post Share on other sites
Atwood Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 Cheating is selfishness. You can seek validation and stroke your ego and spice up your sex life by leaving your partner and pursuing a new one(s). Cheating is destroying your partner’s ability trust, when there was no need, which is a horrible thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 On 12/18/2019 at 10:52 AM, smackie9 said: Why are you so intent on knowing? these are the questions that run through the mind of most BS's Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 On 12/18/2019 at 11:31 AM, some_username1 said: My friends all found this girl attractive (not that they didn’t find my current girlfriend attractive either) but she knocked them back so by pursuing her and having her return the interest it was a way of me showing my dominance in the group I have no idea what this means— she knocked them back by pursuing her? Huh? Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 11 minutes ago, Malin889 said: I have no idea what this means— she knocked them back by pursuing her? Huh? On 12/18/2019 at 11:31 AM, some_username1 said: I cheated on the closest thing I’ll ever have to a soul mate and there was certainly empathy there or I wouldn’t have felt the immense guilt that I did. It felt so wrong that I couldn’t have sex with the girl I cheated on her with because I was thinking of my girlfriend and how I couldn’t do that to her. My friends all found this girl attractive (not that they didn’t find my current girlfriend attractive either) but she knocked them back so by pursuing her and having her return the interest it was a way of me showing my dominance in the group, but that was secondary to the need to feel like I was still attractive. It’s probably the worst mistake of my life, looking back. Hmm let me try .. He had a girlfriend already but this hot new girl came around who did not go unnoticed by himself and his group of friends. Like a peacock she strutted. They couldn’t help but to participate in the primal dance known as “who’s yo daddy.” The competitive nature of ‘MAN’ could not be denied. One by one, they brought on their schwag, each figuratively and even literally bringing to the table all they had as bait. Their deepest voice.Their muscles.Their teardrop tattoos.Their Paco Rabanne cologne. They all circled around her. She ended up choosing some_username1 as the end all be all thusly sending the others away aka ‘knocking them back’ He had sex with her to prove his manhood and retain his position as head of the pack. It had to happen. He had to retain his crown. He went back to his girlfriend afterwards, feeling guilty yet satisfied and in full domination status to his group of friends. Beast mode 101 ! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 (edited) contrary to popular belief.... most cheaters are people... some are flawed, a few plain evil, some are escaping from their realities, some are fooled into thinking their affair is somehow greater or easier or better than their current relationship... they rationalize their decisions by playing victim or by portraying their relationship as abusive, sometimes true...sometimes not, but that's rationalization. some are just running away from decisions that appear too hard at the moment, some are hoping to get caught so they don't have to be the bad guy and end a relationship (twisted, i know)... a few do it for the ego trip of knowing that they still can, some are looking for something exciting, some have very low self esteem and look for affirmation in others... some are in terrible relationships, abusive even... some are rebelling from controlling/abusive relationships... but in the end, regardless of the reasons why or justifications why... a cheater is in a temporary flux... that can last "one time" to years of cheating... b/c they haven't moved past whatever dilemma they're in. a very few, find love in the person they're cheating with... but that's rare. I think there's some here that prob found their current partners like that... i honestly believe it kinda doesn't matter how two people meet... depending on how they meet, different challenges await them... but they all need to grow up, grow together, be honest with each other and themselves, change and evolve to make it last. and that is a very very VERY hard thing to do... I'm sure a few accomplish it... and i'm not talking about those married, or married for a few years... a lifetime... for all the hurt they caused their partners and loved ones around them to accomplish... Edited January 7, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain Link to post Share on other sites
Jill2 Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 I think your best answers on this are from the man who cheated on you. I asked all this to my WS but he just couldn’t answer them all. I’m struggling with it but MC is helping. Difference is with my H is he has cheated when there has been trauma in our lives. Parent died & 5 months later watched the other parent critically ill & die in hospital over 3 months. Missed both parents passing & he’s the only child. Not an excuse. BUT death & trauma do mess the brain with some people. We moved country’s many years after. But before that our life was good together but I could see H was changing. Mentally. (I didn’t know of the Affair btw that had gone on). We’d bought a house & was in construction most of the time as was doubling its size. Two young kids. His work got busier. The house build took over his life. We disconnected a bit. It was me & the kids & then him. It wasn’t us & the kids anymore. Money pressure started due to the build. Lots was going on. We had the opportunity to move to another country to stop the long hours & traveling with work & to finish building. But that move was more difficult than expected. We didn’t factor in commute times..going from a 10 minute commute at like 8am to a hour & half at 6.30am & the same in the way home. Thus making his hours even longer. His travelling was now every month as it was state to state. Where as before it was once every few months as was international. Our son struggled with making friends, suddenly had mountains of homework piled on him at 10 years old. Up until 10pm at night as struggled with it. The whole education system was different. I & H felt guilt. Maybe a regret. I struggled with school system, health system, no friends or family around. No job. Daughter fitted in fine though. H job pressure increased due to higher role. Doing things he’d never done before & struggled a little. Like presentations. I resented H for not ‘changing’. We’d moved & sacralised my family & friends & the kids too, for a life that we see less of him & not more. H felt he’d failed us. Guilt. But he didn’t talk to me that he felt that way. He tried to hide it so we didn’t worry. A whole life change, job, country, schools, friends, no family around & kids struggling. It was another trauma in our life that he felt responsible for. He went off again. But it took a breakdown & us all going through hell until I found out WHY he was having a breakdown. He was in a Another affair! 4 years! A coworker in another state. ANOTHER DIVORCED AMERICAN WOMAN seeing that vulnerability & jumped on it. It takes TWO to have an affair. I will NEVER just blame the spouse. The AP should take responsibility in it too. THEY KNEW HE WAS MARRIED with kids! SHE was just as selfish as him. But easier for her as had more to gain than lose like him. IF it went her way. Which it didn’t. As 95% of affairs the H stays with the wife. Have you & H had recent trauma if your life? Have you generally been good still as a couple or strained, disconnected? Not all affairs are the same. But at the end of the day it IS unfaithfulness no matter if a kiss, emotional or full on sexual. It is possible I’ll never get the full answers I require as my husband also has a memory problem ( diagnosed...had brain tests etc). He learnt to compartmentalise his life. Keeping the affairs in one side & our life on the other. Until the second AP was more than he bargained for. She become possessive, anger, nasty, controlling & threatening. It was too much for him to handle. He knew he was hurting me but didn’t want me hurting further. But knew this woman was making his life hell in her demands & threats. He was stuck. Didn’t deal with either. Breakdown began. Awful to see your H go from a confidant positive happy man to a low self confidant, irritated, negative, unhappy man. Even physically change. From someone who ALWAYS shaved to a bearded, uncut longer hair scruffy man. God knows what his work must of thought of his appearance. He lost his job as he was just confused all the time, couldn’t focus, took way way too long to understand & reply to emails. This was the start of my heartbreak. When the affair did finally come out. It was like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders but a nuclear bomb to me. But I focused to get him better first. I needed my H back, our kids needed their father back. Not this weak, pathetic sad man that was in front of us. He communicated with me better. Let me help him as he didn’t know he was ill. Even though he was put on antidepressants & see a therapist. I knew it wasn’t enough. Wasn’t on or seeing correct person. Managed to get him to see another doctor. See a psychiatrist who changed his meds & refereed him to his own counsellor. Since then it been a slow recovery but he is 100% more the man I had before deaths. MC has taught him to communicate better. Me too. For him to deal with his feelings. Also see that he gets needy in times of trauma, so needs to recognise that & communicate & for me to see the signs of him closing down. I’m so hoping there are no traumas in our life. But. I also lost my mum 6 months before finding out of the affair. He wasn’t there mentally for me. I had to go through it in my own. sorry went into my own H affairs. Oh found out of first affair 13 months of finding out about the other affair he just had. So 14 YEARS after - I found out! Truth ALWAYS comes out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Diggity11 Posted March 22, 2020 Author Share Posted March 22, 2020 You are correct the truth always come out eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted March 23, 2020 Share Posted March 23, 2020 How are you Diggity? Still struggling with what she did I see. There is no magic answer you know. Have thing gotten any better from your first posting? Link to post Share on other sites
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