Caught with Intent to follow through

[Steve40th396]

I found a flow of message on facebook of my wife with a man. He made a comment he loved her and wanted to "blank her".

I created this. I pushed my wife away (I was a poor husband to say the least, 14 years total, 9 years ago caused quite a bit of pain for her due to online infidelity, but never followed through like I just found out with her.) and we have been separated for a couple years. We see each other allot, and are very good around each other. We get along so well, its weird.. We laugh, maintain a very cordial family relationship. Kids are grown up.

Anyways, am I being selfish, should I be upset, mad, or just realize, divorce is pending due to our separation and let her be free. I love her deeply, fully regret everything I did, and I have told her all her numbness, pain etc is validated and I am the sole person that caused it.

[Marc878]

She's already gone. You can't fix that. Only she could.

 

let her go

 

like a lot she wants your friendship to help with any guilt feelings. You'd be wise to cut off all contact. If not you'll just linger in this.

Edited December 16, 2019 by Marc878

[ExpatInItaly]

You two have already broken up, OP. I understand your divorce is still in the works but the relationship you once had with her is over and it apparently has been over for a couple years. I gather you don't live together anymore either?

 

There really isn't anything to get mad about here, though I understand it hurts to know that she has moved on. 

 

How did you find these messages, though? Were you snooping though her private messages?

[d0nnivain]

If you are separated with a pending divorce there is no going back.  She has moved on.  You were wrong to look through her FB.  Her love life is no longer any of your business.  The time for you to fix this was before you separated.  That ship sailed.  

 

Now that you know she's dating hopefully that will be the final nail in the coffin & the impetus you need to let go & move forward.  

[2BGoodAgain]

1 hour ago, Steve40th396 said:

I found a flow of message on facebook of my wife with a man. He made a comment he loved her and wanted to "blank her".

I created this. I pushed my wife away (I was a poor husband to say the least, 14 years total, 9 years ago caused quite a bit of pain for her due to online infidelity, but never followed through like I just found out with her.) and we have been separated for a couple years. We see each other allot, and are very good around each other. We get along so well, its weird.. We laugh, maintain a very cordial family relationship. Kids are grown up.

Anyways, am I being selfish, should I be upset, mad, or just realize, divorce is pending due to our separation and let her be free. I love her deeply, fully regret everything I did, and I have told her all her numbness, pain etc is validated and I am the sole person that caused it.

 

I'd ascertain what these feelings really are before you leap into any type of action. It may not be what you think they are... (shrug)… talk to a friend/therapist... voice out loud your thoughts and you'd be surprise what may come up to the surface.

 

 

 

[Steve40th396]

So the consensus is let her go. She stated she is just wanting to separate, in January, and we arent living together. She lives with my youngest daughter about 3 miles away. She did say divorce is not her first option, and it terrifes her ( she is financially stable), she just wants to see how the separation goes.

While living apart, we havent said anything about separating, till yesterday. She moved out as she needs time to think things through. Problem is, she over tasks her self in work so she doesnt focus on things.

Facebook messaging is where I found this. She was up front about it, and when reading the messages you can she she isnt lying. He was an investor in real estate, and had her working on a project for her. He lives in MA, we live in SC. Eventually personal information about our marriage came to the converstation, he started playing to her emotions and she said she gravitated towards it. She says he has wanted to see her, but she keeps shutting him down because of guilt, feeling low, slimy and common.. She says he does e a sometimes cross the language line and says things, which I saw. And her responses are, no thanks, I am not that kind of person. But, nevertheless she has kept it going. He hasnt contacted her in 3 days, so she says its in his court, and she isnt going after him.

My wife and I have a weird relationship too. We sat down and talked about it, openly, asked allot of questions. Then went to lunch, her parents and had a beer with them.

I know I FUBARd this up and the chances of us ever getting back are slim to none. But, I am not just going to walk away. I will give her space, finish up Christmas with the family, and then go see about separation guidance for SC with her in January.

 

[Steve40th396]

I think for Christmas, I will ask her to do no contact for 6 months, to let her have 100% space, with no contact, unless an emergency..This will put zero pressure on her or worry I am going to be influencing her life at all. Thoughts

[d0nnivain]

You share children.  NC is not an option for you if they are minors.  You always have to be in communication to discuss what is in their best interests.  Also if you don't talk & do all your communicating through your lawyers you will go broke at $350+ per hour.  

 

Either talk & patch things up.  Get MC if you have to.  But spending time apart will fix nothing.  It will only teach her she can live without you.  

 

I stand by my original assessment though:  if she has moved on to a new relationship, your marriage is over.  Since it's dead, just bury it.  Stop prolonging the agony. 

[ExpatInItaly]

The truth is she is testing the dating waters again, and while this guy may not be Prince Charming, she doesn't hate it either. The point is that she is open to meeting a new guy. If it doesn't pan out with this man, it will eventually be someone else. 

[oldtruck]

if you do not want this  divorce tell her that you have to do court her and reconnect

and have her  back home as your marriage/life goal.

 

or lose her and cry in your beer

[Steve40th396]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The truth is she is testing the dating waters again, and while this guy may not be Prince Charming, she doesn't hate it either. The point is that she is open to meeting a new guy. If it doesn't pan out with this man, it will eventually be someone else. 

Yep, no matter how you look at it. She was open to someone making her feel alive again. Emotionally that's more damaging than physical..

I have known this woman for 30 years, married 14.5, its hard for me, at least for me, to just let her go. 

Wish there was a magic wand to fix this.

34 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You share children.  NC is not an option for you if they are minors.  You always have to be in communication to discuss what is in their best interests.  Also if you don't talk & do all your communicating through your lawyers you will go broke at $350+ per hour.  

 

Either talk & patch things up.  Get MC if you have to.  But spending time apart will fix nothing.  It will only teach her she can live without you.  

 

I stand by my original assessment though:  if she has moved on to a new relationship, your marriage is over.  Since it's dead, just bury it.  Stop prolonging the agony. 

I am not sure the agony for either of us will end, as  our lives are so intertwined. But, many have done it, separated and divorced, I guess you just have to do it.

 

[2BGoodAgain]

14 minutes ago, Steve40th396 said:

Yep, no matter how you look at it. She was open to someone making her feel alive again. Emotionally that's more damaging than physical..

I have known this woman for 30 years, married 14.5, its hard for me, at least for me, to just let her go. 

Wish there was a magic wand to fix this.

 

no magic wand, my friend.

 

there's nothing you can do about the past;  and she may not be where you are, in terms of you finally appreciating the relationship. She prob has moved on.

 

it isn't your concern anymore why she's in her current relationship or if it's good for her or not. You lost the right to be part of that relationship with her. Right now, you are someone from her past. You are the father of her children. But you are no longer her husband or the partner in her life. 

 

Your actions brought about this consequence, but letting her go doesn't mean you somehow indirectly punish her by somehow removing all contact with her.. that's like an indirect way of letting her know you're displeased. That's selfish.

 

If you really care about this woman and acknowledge your part in causing her pain and causing your relationship to suffer and crash... then grow up and face the music. You don't have to contact her; but to tell her you don't want contact for 6months is kinda... childish. Like you're pouting b/c you're not getting your way. 

 

I understand if mebbe you're still in love with her and it causes you extreme pain not to be with her, but it doesn't seem that way to me. Perhaps I'm wrong. But even IF you are still in love with her, she has moved on from you, my friend. If you really loved her, you'd let her go without any drama. Find out why you felt the need to seek others online instead of your former wife and perhaps thru that, after finding out why you sabotaged your last relationship, perhaps you can find someone whom you can devote your healed heart on.

 

Good luck, my friend. 

[Steve40th396]

15 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

no magic wand, my friend.

 

there's nothing you can do about the past;  and she may not be where you are, in terms of you finally appreciating the relationship. She prob has moved on.

 

it isn't your concern anymore why she's in her current relationship or if it's good for her or not. You lost the right to be part of that relationship with her. Right now, you are someone from her past. You are the father of her children. But you are no longer her husband or the partner in her life. 

 

Your actions brought about this consequence, but letting her go doesn't mean you somehow indirectly punish her by somehow removing all contact with her.. that's like an indirect way of letting her know you're displeased. That's selfish.

 

If you really care about this woman and acknowledge your part in causing her pain and causing your relationship to suffer and crash... then grow up and face the music. You don't have to contact her; but to tell her you don't want contact for 6months is kinda... childish. Like you're pouting b/c you're not getting your way. 

 

I understand if mebbe you're still in love with her and it causes you extreme pain not to be with her, but it doesn't seem that way to me. Perhaps I'm wrong. But even IF you are still in love with her, she has moved on from you, my friend. If you really loved her, you'd let her go without any drama. Find out why you felt the need to seek others online instead of your former wife and perhaps thru that, after finding out why you sabotaged your last relationship, perhaps you can find someone whom you can devote your healed heart on.

 

Good luck, my friend. 

Thanks. We have been through the reasons I screwed up in the beginning. I was 99% at fault.. The remaining 1% was us combined for lack of communication.

I am a introvert by nature, and the first relationship I had before my wife, it took almost 10 years before I even considered a commitment. My wife is a rock star, super awesome lady, and when she wants something she puts everything into it.. When I hurt her heart and ruined things, I just didnt get the right counseling to vaildate her feelings and such. The counseling was always focused on me, not how she felt and how to let her know I regret what I did and completely understand what I did to her..

 

 

[kendahke]

She doesn't sound like she's interested in stopping your divorce, so you're going to just have to wrap your head around it.

 

Also, you can't be mad at what she did when you did what you did fully knowing the damage you were doing to her. Some things can't be recovered and your marriage is one of them.

 

Next woman, pay better attention and do better.

[Foxhall]

Bringing a slightly different angle to the table,

 

coming from the perspective of the "other guy"

 

I would hope that the previous husband/boyfriend would be prepared to let his ex go and not attempt to sabotage or hold any ill feeling to her moving on, and even give his blessing to the new relationship.

[Steve40th396]

58 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

Bringing a slightly different angle to the table,

 

coming from the perspective of the "other guy"

 

I would hope that the previous husband/boyfriend would be prepared to let his ex go and not attempt to sabotage or hold any ill feeling to her moving on, and even give his blessing to the new relationship.

That brings up a good question. You are the guy who is cheating with the woman, knowing she is married? Why go after someone married? Is it because its your looking at not committing so you play on a womans emotions and take advantage of her..

My wife and I are going to get divorced. Her little cyber fling she had was a catalyst to get things going.. I am dealing with allot. Its more than just the wife. Its the kids, grandkids, finances, etc etc we need to  plan for. We are planners, the both of us. If the separation divorce doesnt go as fast as some would like, sorry.

Divorce will happen, everyone here will be happy I am sure.

Not be sarcastic, but i think there is a problem in society where divorces are so damn common.. Infidelity is common, Hollywood promotes it. So many things that are wrong are looked at and brushed aside as no big deal.

Well, Its a big deal to me and the wife..We will plan it, make it happen.

 

[Steve40th396]

3 hours ago, kendahke said:

She doesn't sound like she's interested in stopping your divorce, so you're going to just have to wrap your head around it.

 

Also, you can't be mad at what she did when you did what you did fully knowing the damage you were doing to her. Some things can't be recovered and your marriage is one of them.

 

Next woman, pay better attention and do better.
 

Not sure what you mean, She sounds like she is not interested in stopping the divorce?

What I did was 9 years ago.. And I am not mad at what she did because of what I did.. I am fully accountable for creating her pain etc.

But, to say my marriage cant be recovered is easy to say, and I know deep down that is a possibility.

I have already made up my mind, I wont get married again..Once is enough. I am too old to want to take on someone elses life and past.

I have my daughters and grand kids that will need my support through life. grand kids the most.

It seems marriage is a institution..  I dont think people really appreciate the magnitude of it.. Its a full time job..

[smackie9]

Sounds like this is just a friendship now and nothing more. In other words you make better friends than a married couple. The pressure is off, you both are free to be whomever you want, and be with whomever you want. There are no expectations to fulfill.

Edited December 18, 2019 by smackie9

[kendahke]

16 hours ago, Steve40th396 said:

Not sure what you mean, She sounds like she is not interested in stopping the divorce?What I did was 9 years ago..

 I meant what I typed.

 

If she was of the mind to stop the divorce from being finalized,  she'd have said something to you about it by now. Is she doing that?  If not, then she's on board with the divorce.  

 

 Doesn't matter when it happened--the trauma from having been put through that doesn't dissipate just because you're not doing it anymore.

 

Quote

I have already made up my mind, I wont get married again..

 

Good idea

 

[mark clemson]

It sounds like, while you made a mistake, you are ultimately a kind soul who is trying to do right by her. While that's commendable in some ways, it sounds 90% likely here that you're just enabling her moving on and you will be trampled in the end when she finalizes the divorce and finds someone else. Hope I'm wrong, but it sounds like that's what's coming. I echo Mark878's sentiment - why stick around for that?? (rhetorical question)

[Steve40th396]

3 hours ago, kendahke said:

 I meant what I typed.

 

If she was of the mind to stop the divorce from being finalized,  she'd have said something to you about it by now. Is she doing that?  If not, then she's on board with the divorce.  

 

 Doesn't matter when it happened--the trauma from having been put through that doesn't dissipate just because you're not doing it anymore.

 

 

Good idea

 

I meant to say she hasnt pushed to get divorce. She has stopped it whenever I said lets just get it done.

[Steve40th396]

On 12/16/2019 at 9:42 AM, 2BGoodAgain said:

 

I'd ascertain what these feelings really are before you leap into any type of action. It may not be what you think they are... (shrug)… talk to a friend/therapist... voice out loud your thoughts and you'd be surprise what may come up to the surface.

 

 

 

Can you explain that a little better? I am not always the sharpest knife in the drawer.

[Steve40th396]

On 12/16/2019 at 7:43 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

You two have already broken up, OP. I understand your divorce is still in the works but the relationship you once had with her is over and it apparently has been over for a couple years. I gather you don't live together anymore either?

 

There really isn't anything to get mad about here, though I understand it hurts to know that she has moved on. 

 

How did you find these messages, though? Were you snooping though her private messages?

She asked me to get an old laptop and update it and get it my youngest daughter. I was updating it for 2 days, as it sat for some time. When it got to opening the webbrowser, facebook popped up. It was already logged in, and I started looking at all her male message. This one person I kinda felt was leary, and her Mom even said she told her that this guy was a womanizer when he first contacted her for investments for real estate. He lives up north, we are south. So, I read his stuff, messages, no archived messages. But it was pretty standard boring stuff, then one day on the messages he said he loved her, and a few minutes later she said she did too. She said, Um, I love ya too. Then, he said, God babe I wanna f*** you. She immediately said, I dont feel sexy and I am jackie O not a Mata hari.. and that shut it down.  But, it made me lose my cool, I confronted her. She came clean on everything.  She stated that he had been trying to get her to meet him to look at other investments and to do a couple trips, one to Peru. She told him no as she felt it made her feel guilty, slimy and low.. But, she did say she has been so low and depressed for so long that she gravitated to him with his positiveness, and making her feel good. She knows it wasnt good, and right after I messaged him, he blocked her, unfriended her, and refused the texts she sent.

I believe I was meant to find out. Now we have been talking in a way we havent in years. Not reconciling, just being open about everything..

[Steve40th396]

Should I apologize for screwing her relationship up? Its not like its a victory.

[2BGoodAgain]

On 1/4/2020 at 5:43 PM, Steve40th396 said:

Can you explain that a little better? I am not always the sharpest knife in the drawer.

sometimes, when you voice outloud your thoughts on a topic, things may come out that your conscious mind may not realize... try talking to yourself, but better yet, talk to a trusted friend/confidant or a therapist.

 

good luck.