Tips on pursuing a woman long-distance?

[jkpb]

I've been meeting and speaking with this woman and we get along very well in person, we have gone on several dates and she's been showing signs of interests. However, we live in different countries and whenever we're apart, I feel she would grow a bit distant, taking more time to reply to texts. We still do phone calls when the timing works for us.

Any tips on how I can pursue her in such a situation? Planning to visit her again in a couple of months hopefully.

[5x5]

Permanently remove the long part of "long-distance".

 

If you can't do that then you would do well to stop wasting your time, on what is extremely likely to be a superfluous endeavour.

Edited December 17, 2019 by 5x5

[JoeyArnold]

18 hours ago, 5x5 said:

If you can't do that then you would do well to stop wasting your time, on what is extremely likely to be a superfluous endeavour.

 

Or at least spend less time on such an endeavor in order to make time for other priorities that might be potentially or actually closer to home.

[JoeyArnold]

20 hours ago, jkpb said:

Any tips on how I can pursue her in such a situation?

 

The bigger the distance, the bigger the risk and the more likely it will be meant to be.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

I can understand people who maintain LDR that are not monogamous but otherwise, its just silly past juvenile stages of our lives... Like how can you take a relationship seriously when you see eachother once every 2 months? Its just torture, it makes no sense, unless theyre like sending you money or your getting off by sending them money.

 

Its not convenient. Not even remotely. Things that are not convenient for both parties usually do not last long, the whole idea of a relationship is centered around being provided/providing something of value to the other.. I don't care who you are, phone calls will never trump the intimacy of actually being around the person and those relationships develop naturally between people. To say that the title of 'Relationship' mitigates any of the consequences of these natural relationships that form is ridiculous.

 

I have some experience with it though and I would say my bare minimum I could do is seeing the person once per week, that is the most LDR I could do. Anything else is just not the right time and I need to explore other options. The person knows what kind of outcome is realistic, like maybe moving to another country or not, and if the LDR isnt that realistic but im just emotionally attached, of course I am going to explore other more realistic LDR options. I know a couple that LDR for 3 years before they meet and get married, then divorced a year later.

 

 

[d0nnivain]

The best way is to work toward ending the distance.  If there is no end in sight, this is pointless. 

[chillii]

lf she's going distant on you already,,, no way she has what it takes to make much of this. l wouldn't waste any more time on her myself sorry.

[schlumpy]

1 hour ago, jkpb said:

I've been going out with this girl several times, but unfortunately we live in different cities. We've been texting and had several calls when the timing works (because of huge timezone difference). Whenever we went out, I've definitely sensed positive signs from her. I've made it obvious to her that I like her too and want to continue pursuing this.

I'm set to meet her again in year-end. How can I try to make this "official", given the distance between us? How should I phrase this?

Get her something she can wear every day to remind her of you. How far is the distance between your cities? Do you have to fly to see her?

[VIOLET EDEN]

Dont think about it too much, just ask where do you see this going. And if you get a positive response, then go ahead and ask to make it official or exclusive.

[Lotsgoingon]

Really this isn't all that different from a same-location relationship.

 

If you're feeling strongly and you sense she's feeling strongly, you will want to stay in contact ... lots of people do the long-distance move not because theoretically they're fine with it but because they meet someone they think is special and want to hold on to that relationship and that person.

 

Stay in the moment, notice the energy between you ... at some point, if you guys are expressing deep affection for one another ... have some special moment ... could be during sex ... or out walking in the park ... or sitting together holding hands in a movie ... at some point, it'll be clear that you both need to talk about where things are going. 

 

But ... I can't tell how often you've been in person with this woman ... and what the time together was like. I think you may need to let things develop more ... The conversation occurs after the strong feelings and strong interactions ... the conversation doesn't create the bond. 

 

Texting is not bonding--it's fake bonding ... You wanna really bond, then talk on the phone with her while you're away from each other. People edit and revise texts and really "perform" and try to sound witty and reassuring and confident ... Young people will furiously revise their texts .. just to get the right tone ... or to be flirty and just have fun ... Doesn't mean a relationship is building. Talking on the phone is much better for real bonding--and to see if there is a bond. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[kendahke]

being in the same vicinity to begin with...

 

The first thing you need to do is find out of the other person is emotionally adapted to conducting an LDR in the first place without needing attention from the opposite sex.  When 2-3 months will pass before seeing them again, are they going to turn to their orbiters to distract them from you not being there?

[rjc149]

LDR's are not real relationships. You have all the expectations of regular communication and monogamy, without any of the value of physical touch and daily intimacy --the foundation upon which a real relationship stands. You are partners without benefits. 

Women do not need to actively pursue options, they are presented with options by men. Usually at all times. Even unattractive women have options and orbiters. The female desire for emotional connection which requires physical touch and intimacy, combined with the readily available opportunities for physical touch and intimacy, typically leaves you, the long-distance male partner, holding the bag.

An attractive man with options does not pursue long-distance relationships with women, and does not remain in them if he happens to fall into one. Not because that's some rule, but because he, like the woman, has other options. And that's very attractive to women. 

[carhill]

On 12/16/2019 at 9:05 PM, jkpb said:

Any tips on how I can pursue her in such a situation? Planning to visit her again in a couple of months hopefully.

Maintain contact via technology in the interim and be transparent and positive about plans for visits. Texts are impersonal. Try video-chat/Skype, etc.

If she's interested, as mentioned by others, close the distance. IME, interested ladies at a distance aren't interested in keyboard warriors, rather men who close the distance and the lady herself will facilitate that and/or close it herself.

You state you live in different countries. That could be a couple hours away or thousands of miles by airplane. What's the reality of it?

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, rjc149 said:

LDR's are not real relationships. You have all the expectations of regular communication and monogamy, without any of the value of physical touch and daily intimacy --the foundation upon which a real relationship stands. You are partners without benefits. 

I disagree.  LDRs are real.  OLRs -- online relationships where the people never met but are just chatting, or texting or even having cyber sex are not real.  But an LDR which has a proposed end is viable.  Sometimes one person is in the military or is in school.  Maybe somebody got transferred for a job & the other person can't follow right away or the relationship is too new for that.  

LDRs take work & trust but they can be sustained in the short run.  I did a bi-coastal one for 2 years.  The distance didn't kill us; his substance abuse problems did.  Until his legal troubles got to a point where I could no longer sweep it under the rug I was planning to relocate as soon as I got a job in California.  I was actively looking when we broke up.   

[rjc149]

An LDR that is temporary for a known, finite period of time is merely a hiatus to the real relationship. One that is going to run its course start to finish as an LDR, even with monthly mini-honeymoons,  is not a real relationship. Especially this day in age, where people are far more compelled to replace a relationship than work on a struggling one, and where modern women, even unattractive ones, can quickly replace an unsatisfactory dating situation with a few swipes on her smartphone. 

If the LDR is a temporary situation, then yes it can be tolerated (I wouldn't say 'sustained') for a brief, finite period. The length of that period will depend entirely on the two individuals, their physical affection needs, and their communication styles. Things need to line up pretty neatly. Even with modern technology, I believe a young woman committing to an LDR for 2+ years is a thing of the past. There are just too many options and too much temptation. 

[simpycurious]

Yes, LDR would eventually NEED to become a Close Relationship but in the interim bond emotionally through sharing with one another.  So many are afraid of what they FEEL for another and look at all the obstacles instead of focusing on WHAT CAN BE.  Anytime you start a relationship there's a chance that you might WIN or lose your heart but isn't the journey worth it?  I think so.

[alphamale]

try to find a girl within 20 miles of where you live

[scooby-philly]

@jkpb

I would agree with several of the other posters. LDRs only work out when both people have the same commitment and effort (just as in a normal relationship) but the problem is you're not there for quick things, you're not there for the daily stuff of life, you don't really know what a person is feeling and doing to protect themselves and the relationship from any "local" interference or opportunities,  and if after 6,12,18 months there isn't a firm commitment for the "distance" between the parties to get that "distance" removed, then it becomes emotionally draining for one or both parties. And the younger the people are (or the younger one person is) - the harder it becomes. And remember - people can SAY a lot of things, but the question is what do they DO, behavior/action wise.