Bf spent the night with a girl...am I being harsh?

[Cookiesandough]

My bf and I have been together 4 months and everything has been good.

 

He is outgoing and I think struggles to spend the night alone, whereas I like to be alone, but hasn’t been an issue

 

Last night, he asked to come over but I was studying for finals, so I declined and studied/went to bed.  

 

It snowed a lot last night and the streets were bad. This morning I texted him about his night and he says he stayed the night at his friend(who is out of town) roommate’s house . She is a young, attractive female who has a reputation and with whom he has nothing in common with. 

 

So I felt uncomfortable and asked why. He said that he felt bad because she said she has anxiety  and weed helps her eat. He couldn’t get her a cartridge from his friend so he offered to come over and get her high. He says nothing happened and he went to bed downstairs after smoking, watching tv, and drinking some wine with her,  and she and her daughter went to bed upstairs 

 

I told him this crossed a boundary for me and explained why. He keeps insisting nothing happened, but that he understands that isn’t the point. I told him it’s more the intimacy that he’s staying the night alone with this single woman when he has a gf  that made me feel disrespected. 

 

 

I felt really disrespected. He’s been very apologetic pleading with me and saying he knows he was an idiot, it really just was that he didn’t want to leave in the weather, but I don’t completely buy it. He said that she was respectful that he had a gf too(we’ve met), But what if she wasn’t? 

 

We talked on the phone and he begged me not to break up. He says he’s sorry and knows he used poor judgment to not consider my feelings, but that he would never cheat or do anything to jeopardize our relationship and that breaking up over this is a extremely harsh. I don’t know. I feel like that’s what all cheaters say. He just texted me and said he’s leaving the bar and going straight home after one drink. Now I feel like an extremely controlling gf. 

 

Can i plz have another person’s opinion on this? 

Edited December 17, 2019 by Cookiesandough

[Legatus]

Interesting. You said he struggles to spend the night alone - why is that? Have you ever talked about it?

 

What is the relation between that friend's roommate and your boyfriend?

 

You are still entitled to feel that a boundary was broken. He didn't tell you what he was going to do the night before for you to call the boundary. It's still possible he didn't know better to tell you, or ask you if you were okay, but you're still in quite young relationship so you're learning about each other a lot. 

 

His pleading and apologising could be a sign of guilt or a general concern sprouted from the fact that he does recognise his inability to take your feelings into account. He didn't get defensive, which to me would be even bigger sign of something going wrong. Perhaps you are overreacting a little bit in thinking you are an extremely controlling girlfriend. This is just one of those events that should be a base for a good conversation about your boundaries..

[Calmandfocused]

Op.

 

indeed he violated a boundary but I’ll get onto that in a moment. 

 

I’m quite alarmed that a child is involved here. The mother was getting drunk and high with your boyfriend in the presence of her child? This raises some safeguarding concerns for me as that is wholly inappropriate. 
 

Does you boyfriend have a substance problem op? Lots of reference is made to boozing and getting his hands on a drink in your post.  
 

Whatever his motivation was for sleeping at this woman’s house is by the by. It’s disrespectful to you and your relationship, irrespective of what his motivation was. You did the right thing by asserting this boundary. Let’s hope he doesn’t make the same foolish mistake again. 

[GoreSP]

I feel like his reaction to « you've crossed a boundary » is « I’m sorry it’ll never happen again » not « nothing happened »

 

feels like he is testing how flexible your boundaries are.

[stillafool]

If this is just some random chick that he has nothing in common with why would he bother to go out in a snow storm to get her high?

[Cookiesandough]

Thanks for the responses!!! He only knows her through his friend, but she had been asking for a cart for days (according to him) and he said he would get her one, but his guy didn’t have any. she said she hadn’t eaten in 5 days/was stressed out from her ex and so he offered to come let her use his vape. 

 

He did make it clear that according to him nothing sexual/romantic happened, but and was sorry that I felt disrespected and hurt that he stayed over. I said I’m not sure if anything happened, he said don’t you trust me? I said I did trust him, but I feel like he violated that so now I don’t know. 

 

 

You bring up a really good point stillafool and i should have asked that when he said he stayed bc of the crappy weather...

 

 

yes I think it’s wrong on her part to bring random men in her house and getting intoxicated, but involving myself in her parenting isn’t really my place 

 

I’ve forgiven him and feel much better, but I told him I need space. I don’t know if I get forget. I’m  already talking to other guys lol I think I’m dunzo, 

Edited December 17, 2019 by Cookiesandough

[PegNosePete]

You told him he couldn't spend the night at yours, so instead he went to visit his friend's hot roommate to get high, knowing a storm was coming and he would have to stay over.

 

If someone I was dating did that, I would dump them so hard their shadow got whiplash.

 

If you believe nothing happened then I have a bridge to sell you. I would bet my bottom dollar that something happened, even if it didn't go all the way; and if it didn't then it's only because she rejected him or they were too stoned.

 

[stillafool]

She's certainly a crappy mother and that's for sure.  Not eating for 5 days because of some man and not properly taking care of her baby.  What a loser.

[kendahke]

9 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

 

I felt really disrespected. He’s been very apologetic pleading with me and saying he knows he was an idiot, it really just was that he didn’t want to leave in the weather, but I don’t completely buy it. He said that she was respectful that he had a gf too(we’ve met), But what if she wasn’t? 

 

You don't trust him. That's what this is all about.

 

Unfortunately for you, you're at the 4 month mark--and now the real him and the real you have dismissed the "representatives on their best behavior". This is who he is and this is who you are---and it sounds like the real you and the real him are not compatible enough to make the long haul. 

 

Perhaps this is your cue to break up with him, since you don't trust him.

Edited December 17, 2019 by kendahke

[GoreSP]

« Don’t you trust me » is a gaslighting response. You have every right to not be comfortable with your boyfriend sleeping over another woman’s house.

not a lot of people would be.

[preraph]

That mother needs to have CPS called on her for having random men over to get high with the child in the house. And if she hasn't eaten for days what has her child been doing. 

[elaine567]

He was caught out so he had to lay it on thick.
Poor woman, she had not eaten for days, in a bad place, she needed a fix... etc. etc.
He is no cheater, of course not...
He is a hero, a knight in shining armour...

Yeah right!

[preraph]

^ Well, that IS how some women suck a man in, making them feel like a hero.   

[caveman621]

I'm trying to figure this whole thing out.  It sounds to me (just to me, understand) that he is straining to make up an excuse for what he did.  I mean, if he did something he didn't want you to know about, why did he even tell you?  I'm guessing maybe he did it then figured somebody would let slip eventually so better to get in front of it than have it come up later.  Yes, there's a lot wrong with a woman who hasn't eaten for days so needs someone to come get her high so she'll eat. I'm not going to judge her marijuana use, but will judge her inviting a man over and getting high with her kid there.  Then, if it was so important for her to get high, why didn't he just run over and get her high then leave?  He was able to get there to "rescue" her but wasn't then able to leave?  Why did he have to stay and watch TV and drink wine?  He's such a nice guy he had to do that?

 

I dunno.  I think your suspicions are justified.  It doesn't pass the smell test.

[usa1ah]

Obviously your boyfriend has no problems doing something that would jeopardize the relationship. 

[JoeyArnold]

21 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Can i plz have another person’s opinion on this? 

 

Did he know the rules before he broke them? If you feel he knew better, clearly, you can end it. You could give him one more chance if you want. But he probably lied to you. But then again, maybe not. But I say an 80% probability something happened. Why? Because he was so apologetic.  If nothing happened, then he would probably be more annoyed at you than sorry. See, there can be some guilt and some reflection inside of him. There might be some signs, tells, that can show you how honest he is being. He could have left that house. He could have walked away regardless of how much snow there was. The girl can survive one day. He could have came earlier in the day to help her and he could have simply left after that. He did not have to stay there. He is reacting as if he feels guilty of something.

[Ambereyes]

So your BF cant handle alone time, so if you arent available, he has to find someone else. And if no one is available, he would go hang out with some single mom who wants to get high and not stay home by himself. Frankly, you asked for this. What do you expect from someone who needs company all the time? It's like dating a smoker and then expects him not to smoke when you arent around..impossible.

Today it is this single mom, next day it can be another chick. Unless you be with him every single night. If you cant handle him spending night with other (girls), you have to find someone else

 

 

Edited December 18, 2019 by Ambereyes

[PegNosePete]

6 hours ago, JoeyArnold said:

 

Did he know the rules before he broke them?

 

I don't think it has to be explicitly stated that spending the night getting stoned with your out-of-town friend's hot roommate who has "a reputation", is against every rule in the book. It's common sense.

 

[d0nnivain]

Him sleeping on somebody else's couch instead of driving him drunk & high in a snow storm is the least of the problems here.  

 

A grown man who can't handle nights alone is a problem.  I don't care for pot smoking to begin with so that alone would be a deal breaker for me.  

 

I agree with preraph that the woman in question is an unfit mother. 

 

Bottom line -- you have only been dating this guy a very short time & he upset you with some extreme behavior.  What is the point of continuing?  

[2BGoodAgain]

1) he could have called/texted/contacted you about sleeping over, but he didn't. b/c it was WRONG. He knows it. He didn't tell you b/c he knew you'd say it was WRONG.

2) I honestly can't tell you if something happened or not. Not enough info. But weed/alcohol = turns off the intelligent/logical/reasonable side in you. 

3) you're not being controlling or unreasonable. Any man or woman would be pissed if he/she found out their partner was sleeping over and only found out the next day.

 

good luck!

[smackie9]

OP I think you can find better than this. Not worth the investment here. Bad juju.

[preraph]

People who are that easily manipulated are looking for an excuse to be with or next to the woman. It's always these women who play on their sympathy and then act like they're heroes. Men are suckers for that. That's why every stripper has a story she uses to pry money and gifts out of men.

Edited December 18, 2019 by preraph

[kendahke]

OP--I'll bet dollars to donuts that this isn't enough to make you stop seeing him, so prepare yourself for him doing this again. 

 

Here's my take: if there is a blazing snowstorm going on that the forecast says is going to get worse as it goes through the night, I'd stay my butt home.  I wouldn't go out walking in such a mess, either--that's just plain silly advice.

 

Old girl can call an ambulance to take her to the hospital if she's feeling so unwell and triggered that she can't get through the night without getting blotto.  There was no good reason for him to go over there other than he wanted to get next to old girl because you wouldn't come 'round.  That says a lot about what kind of a male he is... and the longer you stick around him, the more that says about you.

[Cookiesandough]

Wow thank you so much , you guys. Okay so this was his excuse verbatim (text): 

 

Babe, last night I was feeling bad for upsetting you and went to sleep early. 

Fairly certain you’re taking your exam. I am up and would like to meet you after you finish. 

 

 

I did not go over there to flirt at all. I am overwhelmingly happy with you. 

 

She first asked me for another cartridge Friday. Curtis was out but said he would have them Saturday and I relayed that to her. I talked to him again Saturday and he was still out but offered real green if I was jonesing but also that he was tripping with some friends and it might take awhile. I said that could work and relayed that message back to her. When I got off work, I talked to him and he said he couldn’t do it after all. I texted her this and said I had my cart on me if she was jonesing so she came to dormans and smoked her out. Then finally on Sunday, Curtis’ guy stood him up and now it’s been 3 days and I’ve not been able to come through. Since he mentioned the green before, I thought that was still an option but he told me then that he didn’t have enough. That’s when I offered to go over and smoke her up. I felt bad for saying yes, I can get you this now 3 days in a row, but to no avail. 

I was only trying, unsuccessfully, to get grass for this person. I was not interested in flirting. And once again, absolutely nothing happened. I am not interested in any one but you my love. 

Can we please talk in person when you finish your exam?

 

Lastly, I’m not trying to throw gasoline on barely smoldering embers, but I want to be honest in case you go off on her, that I offered to smoke her up. I just want to be clear.

 

“ 

 

then he shows up AT MY SCHOOL (embarrassing) I’m like, dude, it’s over!!!

 

I don’t know if he cheated or not, I kinda feel like if I cheated I wouldn’t have said anything about how I stayed over there. Literally there would be no way for me to know it ever happened. But at this point, how I feel, which is validated by the posts, is that what he has admitted to doing is bad enough

 

 

 I broke up with him the day before yesterday. But now I have a new guy and a new problem lol 

Edited December 19, 2019 by Cookiesandough

[ExpatInItaly]

You broke up with him 2 days ago and already have a new guy? Did I read that right?

 

I would’ve let him go too, to be very clear. But what are you doing bouncing off to someone else so quickly? It won’t make your pain go away. 

 

There is all kinds of messy going on here, Cookies, and you’re apparently now part of it.