pepperbird Posted December 17, 2019 Share Posted December 17, 2019 I'm having one of those "end of my rope" days, and I don't know what to do. This post is extremely long, so you may want to skip unless you enjoy novellas. I love my husband very much, but there are times I just can't understand his mindset. He's had issues with combat related PTSD for several years, and is getting help again. We've both also got some significant health issues and other stressors going on in the background, and quite frankly, I'm tired. Being married to someone with PTSD can be had at times. It's like walking on eggshells, and you never know if a day is going to be good or bad. Some days start off great, but then something will happen and it will be spoiled. It can be something as small as dishes being by the sink and he freaks out, not at me, but the situation. He ends up screaming, and while he's never hit a person, he has hit and broken things. Not very often, but it's happened. I've been with a physical abuser before, and that's not what this is. It's very different. We've started seeing a counselor together again, and he's giving EMDR a try. Last night, he woke me up to talk. He was upset that we hadn't been sexually intimate in about a week, and he says when we do, it's "not like it was before" . I thanked him for talking to me about it ( I know it wasn't easy for him), and I asked him to give me some time to think about it and I would get back to him. He sort of pressed the issue, and I explained that his actions over the past years have often been really hurtful, and it's hard to want to be with someone when you feel like that. He thought I meant I resent him, but that's not it. I can't really explain it well, but it's hard to want to be with him when I am sad or hurting. I tried to tell him that, but it's hard to know a way of doing so without making him feel bad. No one asks to develop a mental illness, and he is trying to get help. It's just that, when he gets really bad, it's hurtful. Add to all of this that between his PTSD, some injuries and a chronic illness, he doesn't do at lot around the house. A lot of the time, he's in pain and needs to rest. Between our kids and me, we do about 95 percent of the household work, and he's resting. At the end of the day, I'm tired. I'm also hurt, and to be frank, at that point, the idea of being intimate with him isn't there. I know how awful that sounds. He says that's because I resent him, but it's not. I tried to tell him that, even when I am really angry with him or hurt, I don't want him to ever think I don't love him, so I try and show it in other ways. If he's sore, I try and rub his back or head and bring him meals in bed, if I'm out and see something he'd like I get it for him if it will fit in our budget, i try and cook special meals for him and do what I can to try and help him feel better. I told him that I do all that because i want him to know I love him. He just kind of looked at me, got up and left the room. The worst part was he saw the tears and it didn't make any difference ( I have sjogren's syndrome, and it attacks your tear ducts so you don't produce many any more- you usually cry without tears). He just saw it as some sort of attack, and his only reply was about ten minutes later when he was leaving for work and said "i love you, otherwise I wouldn't have tried talking to you about this". I don't even know what to say anymore. I know a lot of this is my own fault, as I am a fixer and want everyone to be happy. My "job" in the family is to keep everyone else going. I know that sounds overly dramatic, but it's how it feels. I carry everyone else, and I'm okay with that, even though it may not sound like it based on what I wrote here. People equate that with strength, but it's not. Strength is based on choice. What choice to do I really have? I can't just stop. I have four other people who are counting on me. I can no more stop that than I can stop breathing. One time, I got up the nerve to tell him how I was feeling. I was really sick, and no one could figure out why. The thought was that I had lymphoma ( it's not, it's few different diseases) and I was so worried. I would try and talk to him, but he'd just turn the conversation around so that we were talking about some problem he was having, so I gave up. I just got sadder and sadder until I couldn't take it any more. I know it was cruel, but I told him I felt like I had no one to be there for me, not in a way that I needed. What I needed was someone, anyone to tell me I could rest, that things were going to be okay and I could count on them being there for me if and when the chips were down. He wasn't that person right now, not because he didn't want to be, but because h had too much on his own plate. . The look on his face when I said that was awful, but the saddest part is what I said was 100 percent true. He can't be there for me, not right now. It's not his fault, and if this guy was who "he" really is, I would have left long ago. He knows that, for better or worse, I am here for the long haul. I know he's hurt and angry at me for saying all of this to him. I also know I've made him sound like a real heel when he's not. He can be a really wonderful and caring man, but that guy's gone so much right now. I don't know how to find him again. I don't think he really gets what this has all done to me. I tried to explain how his "I'm sorries" are appreciated, but they don't fix anything. I explained how, if he's had a "freak out" ( for lack of a better term) he may have had the pressure release, but I sure haven't. All he's done is taken his mental angst and put it on to me for me to deal with. He feels better, but I sure don't. I'm not a bad wife. I may not be a great wife, but I'm not terrible either. Just average. I've never cheated on him, I don't ask for much and I have been here for him whenever he needs me. Every day I try and do something "extra" for him, whether it's going out of my way to try and find tasty food for him that's also healthy( he's trying to lose weight), picking him up a little gift if I know he's having a tough day or just massaging his forehead for him when I know he's stressed out and has a headache. I don't know what to do anymore. If as if he's so caught up in his own sadness he can't see mine or even "me" anymore. e.g.- He jokes around sometimes that I'm terrible to buy gifts for because I don't ask for anything and never really want anything. I would have thought that made me a good wife, but I guess not. We don't celebrate the holidays except in a very secular way, and this year, he said he wanted to get me a family ring. That was a really lovely idea, and he wanted to take me to the jeweler's to pick one out. We went, but were told we have to pick it out online. One of the autoimmune diseases I have is hitting my hands hard, and my fingers are a mess. I can't order one online, as I have to try it on, see the setting and see how it feels. He was great and understood all of that, and we walked away from the shop. He talked about how we may have to go into the city to find a better jeweler, which makes sense. He wants me to find a jeweler, talk to them, decide what I want and basically do all the research first- and this is for a gift for me. I wouldn't have felt bad, except that he had spent hours and hours and hours doing research online trying to find just the right gift for his sister, his mom and dad. Me? I get to do it myself. I guess I don't even rate that much. I don't mean that he doesn't care as much as I'm the last one on the list- at least, that's how it feels. He's got only so much mental/emotional energy, and he expend sit on himself first, everyone else next and me last. As well, sorry for the long post. I'm just awash in self pity today I guess. 🤣 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 17, 2019 Share Posted December 17, 2019 sounds to me like he is using this PTSD thing to get his way and bow out of responsibilities. lots of people have mental illnesses and still carry out their duties every day. I think he is using this as an excuse to treat you and the kids badly 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 17, 2019 Share Posted December 17, 2019 2 hours ago, pepperbird said: I've been with a physical abuser before, and that's not what this is. It's very different. Yes, but the effect is roughly the same. Your stress levels will be through the roof and for a person with auto immune disease, stress is something you need to avoid or at least bring it down to minimal levels. I agree with alphamale, he is using his PTSD to get away with murder... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted December 17, 2019 Share Posted December 17, 2019 His actions are self-absorbed and selfish. He may be a wonderful guy at heart, but it sounds like he's too wrapped up in himself to BE that wonderful guy to you. Being the one who takes care of everyone else is draining and if you're not getting anything back from him then you're understandably running on empty. Your lack of interest in sex with him is understandable - it's hard to see him as your lover, or even a sexual being in general, when you're constantly in caretaker role with him. It's great that you're in counseling together, definitely keep that up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted December 17, 2019 Share Posted December 17, 2019 Pepper, think about carving out some time for yourself. Make him watch the kids once a week and do something for yourself. Go see that movie that kept putting off. Spend some time at the mall and try to absorb some Christmas cheer. Take up ceramics. You need to bring yourself back to a center because he's smearing you all over the place. You are spread too thin. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 17, 2019 Share Posted December 17, 2019 pepper, is your husband working? or is he on disability? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 17, 2019 Share Posted December 17, 2019 It sounds like his main gripe is sex or the lack thereof. Men seem to have a hard time understanding that women don't just want sex like flipping a switch on and that they need to be rested up and relaxed and feeling right about what's going on and their partner. I seem to think that if you love them you should have sex no matter what else is going on just to prove you love them. it seems very childish and selfish to me but it happens all the time and you see it all the time on Love shack. You're bending over backwards to do everything and if you have a little lapse of any type you need to tell him he just needs to be patient that you are tired and not fully operational. He can surely understand that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted December 17, 2019 Share Posted December 17, 2019 Maybe look for more of what he can manage to do within the responsibilities you take on currently so that you are less burdened? May not be easy to do but giving him some regular stuff to do that he can do e.g. while using an OTC painkiller may actually be an improvement. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 17, 2019 Share Posted December 17, 2019 ^ I like Mark's idea. Why not get some household help just enough to give you a little rest. You can't do it all alone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pepperbird Posted December 18, 2019 Author Share Posted December 18, 2019 On 12/17/2019 at 1:29 PM, alphamale said: pepper, is your husband working? or is he on disability? He works for the federal government. It's not a bad job- boring, but it pays well. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 1 hour ago, pepperbird said: He works for the federal government. It's not a bad job- boring, but it pays well. that's good pepper 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 Since he works you can afford help around the house. Get some. It will take some of the pressure off you. How do you feel about what I call cold pizza sex? You may not be in the mood but are you willing to just lay there while he does all the work? He'll get what he wants & needs to feel closer to you. Like cold pizza it may not be great for you but it won't be terrible & there is something to be said for the bonding hormones that are released when 2 people are intimate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pepperbird Posted December 20, 2019 Author Share Posted December 20, 2019 well we had it out. I am not, by nature, a loud person. Being autistic, I have some sensory processing issues and shouting really is not my thing. I shouted. I told him I'd had enough, and we made an emergency appointment with his therapist. He asked me to out it all out, everything going back years. I did, in as much as I could. He did as well, and it was pretty bad. I take that back. It was really bad. The good thing is I was finally able to tell him how I was feeling about a lot of things, and with a third party there, it made it easier. He couldn't misinterpret or psychologically run away from what I was saying. After about four hours, we kind of settled out. He is no longer allowed to take his psychological trauma out on me, and he will be seeing his therapist every day for a while. I agreed to try and be more open with him about how I'm feeling. It's a start,- small, I know, but it takes time to go through all of this. It's only been a little while, but he does seem calmer the past bit. He;s also agreed to help more, and so far, he;s keeping to the bargain. I've not got any expectations, and will just see how it goes for a while. I also told him that, as much as I love him, I can't go on like this, and I can't fix him. He has to do that himself. I'm not saying I'm hopeful, just that I can at least say I've done all I can. It's up to him now. I also made plans to go visit some relatives with my son later on this winter. We're going to have so much fun, and I may even get to meet a biological aunt for the first time. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 It sounds like you are on the path to fixing things. I hope he stays on the course & that it all turns out OK. 4 hours with the therapist sounds grueling. Do some self soothing today Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 Good for you, pepperbird. I know it must be freeing just to have it all out on the table. Still think about hiring a little bit of help. Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 hmm... you know on the airplane, they always say... if the cabin pressure goes out, first put the mask on yourself and then your dependent? at the rate you're going, you're gonna burn out.. if you haven't already... you're gonna go down and then who is gonna take care of the kids... i realize he has PTSD and other issues, but he's gotta step up to the plate. When a person is in pain, all they can focus on is themselves... but b/c he's in a relationship with you, he's gotta get past this and be more than just a victim of his circumstance. I'm not saying it's gonna be easy, but for you to bear the bulk of the burden is unfair to you and honestly, you won't last... you're gonna snap or lose it one day or just simply fade away... like the plane, you need to take action... you need to do what you need to, so you don't burn out and the whole family goes down. it's not an easy situation, but i really think you need to talk to someone in RL about this. not just a therapist, but someone who can help you in RL. as for your husband... you need to kick his ass into gear.. and step up. Not even for you, but for his family. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 way to go pepper! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 I'm just happy he's at least willing to try to make some changes. I hope when things settle down, you two will take a long weekend and go someplace you both love, something out of your element, like if you're city people, a cabin in the woods, and just get in a whole new environment you can explore together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 Pepperbird, you come across to me as a very strong woman. As an adopted person myself and I have a son on the spectrum, I always read and appreciate your posts. That's all I have to say, you are a phenomenal woman in my reading eyes and heart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted December 23, 2019 Share Posted December 23, 2019 Will it last? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts