She's Not Over Ex- Need Help!

[kingpineapple]

I (25M) had been dating a 25F for about 8 weeks. During this time, she made it clear that she really liked me from the get go. She was always wanting to see me, sending me memes, meeting friends, ect. I was beginning to really like her as well and definitely wanted to keep what we had going.

She did mention early on that she got out of a 2 year relationship about 4 months prior. 

 

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, she pulled away from me. After about 3 days of no contact, she told me why. She said that she still gets sad about her previous breakup a lot, and she doesn't think she was ready to date again. I told her I understood and I'd still like to hang, but I wouldn't want to be in a position that was unfair to me. She gave me the dreaded "Let me think about it".

 

After about 2 weeks of no contact other than snapchat, I decided to reach out again. She responded extremely positively (like how she was when we first met), so I decided to ask her out again. She said she couldn't that week but she could the next, and to text her over the weekend.

Fast Forward to that Sunday night, I sent her a text asking if she was still down to go out that week. She replied that she still didn't think it was a good idea for us to see each other, and that, again, she thought she was ready but she wasn't. I told her to let me know down the line if she ever wanted to go out again to let me know. She ended it with "Of course I will! Hopefully sooner than later". Ugh.

 

I have a few questions that I'm hoping you all can help answer:

1. Is she simply too nice to end it completely with me? Or do you think we have a real shot once she's had time to heal?

2. Should I go full on no contact? 

3. When should I reach out again if I don't hear from her?

 

I've been on other dates with women, but I'm finding it really hard to get over her due to the lack of real closure.

Appreciate any advice!

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, kingpineapple said:

I've been on other dates with women, but I'm finding it really hard to get over her due to the lack of real closure.   Appreciate any advice!

 

It sounds like you are being strung along, possibly as a safe landing while she attempts to re-connect with her ex (or possibly some other guy). Or possibly you are a rebound at best.  She is (indirectly) telling you this.

 

My advice would be to get over your inability to get over her and move on.

 

At some point she might either get her head together or give up chasing whatever she is chasing. Don't hold your breath, but IF it happens then at that (possible) future time if you are multidating you can date her too and if you are taken you can offer your (happy) regrets.

[Lotsgoingon]

She likes  you, but she's not ready to date. Nothing you can do to change this. She has to go through the process of letting her ex go ... More dangerously for you, she might have resumed contact with the ex and might be in the middle of getting back together.

 

Trust people when they tell you they are not ready to date. Nothing you can do. Move on. 

 

And to be clear, sometimes people don't know they aren't ready until they start to date and they realize old feelings are getting in the way.

 

Let her go and move on. Sounds like she likes you ... sad she can't go forward. I don't sense any manipulation or lying. But please don't go the naive heroic foolish route of thinking you can heal her by being so wonderful. Nope. She needs to go through the healing on her own at her own pace. 

 

 

[JoeyArnold]

1 minute ago, Lotsgoingon said:

And to be clear, sometimes people don't know they aren't ready until they start to date and they realize old feelings are getting in the way.

 

Exactly. That is the hard part.

[d0nnivain]

Time will not make this better.   You were the 1st transition guy.  What she learned from you is that she's not ready to date.  You can sit around waiting for her to be ready.  She won't be ready until she finds a guy who makes her toes tingle, & that unfortunately is not you.  

[schlumpy]

I'm sorry that you feel attached because it will be difficult to move on with her hanging out in the back of your mind but you will have to. It's possible she will call you in the future but please do not consider it likely. You have to tell yourself she wanted to stop seeing you in a nice way. I don't see how you can realistically believe anything else. Don't follow her media where she can see you watching or know you've read things. You have to go dark if you want any chance of her calling you again and she won't do that if she knows you are watching.

 

You will be OK. Your mind is clear so all you will have to get under control is your feelings for her. 

[Inspire]

Her heart is with him and he is the person she wants right now. When someone says they're not ready to date, they're doing you a favor but only if you heed their warning. You were in the right place at the wrong time. Go no contact and give her time to heal and sort out her life. Even if you decide to reach out in a few months, don't be surprised if the intensity and feelings that she once gave you are all but gone. People often react differently when on the rebound.

 

 

[kingpineapple]

Thanks for the advice all. Seems like I just got caught in an unfortunate timing situation. She probably is trying to string me along without totally dumping me while she figures everything out. Which also isn't fair to me.

I'll work on moving on with the assumption that's it's totally over.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don’t think she’s trying to string you along. She was pretty clear that you two cannot keep seeing each other. It might have been rather awkwardly-worded but I don’t think she was attempting to set you up as Plan B if she ever feels ready. She was simply trying to duck out of an uncomfortable conversation. 

 

In any case, definitely don’t hold your breath for this one. There is no point reaching out to her again if she doesn’t get in touch with you first, and even then it’s a risky proposition if she hasn’t truly healed from her break-up. 

 

[2BGoodAgain]

she's being nice...or trying to look nice... don't trust nice people.. they're not good or bad ....just nice... lol.

 

if she was interested, she'd contact you... but you got the blow off, my friend....

 

either that, or she's playing a mind game in which case.. RUN.

 

She prob had someone in mind, but didn't know until the end of the week... and in which case, you contacted her and she had better options and she said next time... you're not the top choice, my friend.. you're like that plan B option... don't ever be a doormat. move on.

 

[FMW]

She's not leading you on - she was honest with you about her feelings about her ex, you were the one who offered to just hang out.  If you didn't really think you could just be friendly with her without hoping to change her mind you should have just thanked her for her honesty and moved on. 

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

She's NOT stringing you on. She has told you she's not available and directly told you the reason.  This woman is simply friendly and so she responds to your texts. That's not stringing someone along.

 

Stringing someone along would mean she does NOT tell you she's thinking about the ex. 

 

Don't make someone's motives worse than they are--you'll draw a bad lesson. Dude, one day, you'll break up with someone ... start to date ... and you may realize you have old stuff with the former partner. It will take guts and lots of kindness to straight up tell a new person what's going on. This woman did things right. 

 

 

[kingpineapple]

22 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

It will take guts and lots of kindness to straight up tell a new person what's going on. This woman did things right. 

 

You're right, she was honest and firm which is the best I could hope for.

She still sends me snapchats all the time, it would probably be best to block her on all social media to totally move on.

 

Funny how intensity of feelings is not correlated to time. I've had years long relationships that were easier to get over than this one.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

I hear you: some people just knock us out--fast.  You might learn something from this--those other relationships may not have really been what you want. 

 

If talking to her activates your longing ... then yeah, probably best to block her. 

[fromheart]

When a woman says she isn't over her ex, you simply tell her to give you a shout when she is and you disappear.  NC forever if necessary.

Instead you tell her you'll be willing to hang with her like a little puppy dog, you reach out to her and quite unsurprisingly you get the same lame response.

Check Corey Wayne on youtube ASAP.