welphereiam Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 I have posted here before and got great advice so I am back for more. I posted maybe a month ago about someone I was interested in. She told me she wasn't interested and it was awkward. Then she ended up dating some guy and I was hurt. So I withdrew myself from the situation and tried to move on with my life. I let her know I didn't think I could be close to her right now and needed some time for myself. She has never really respected that. I thought if I have to respect her feelings, she should respect mine. Throughout the last month and a half she has reached out a few times to say Happy Thanksgiving and then "How are you?" a few days later. I messaged her back and was nice and cordial. But she didn't write back. That's fine, I took it as same old same old with her so I just moved along. Well the other night again she texted me at 1 am telling me she wanted to catch up and that she missed me. And I was very put off by it. I was doing better without talking to her and now she was back. But she is still dating that guy. My question is...why won't she leave me alone? If she doesn't have feelings for me and I told her I needed time, why does she keep checking in? Especially when she is with another guy. I feel stupid for this but I still get the butterflies when I see her text, and I've heard she was hurt by me not wanting to be her friend. I try to shut these thoughts down, but I can't help but think..maybe she is still thinking about me! But then I tell myself I can't think that way because she has made it clear she doesn't want to be with me. I'm trying to move on but she's making it tough. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
JoeyArnold Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 Do you want to move on? Why not give her a second shot? Why not forgive her and try again? Well, if you don't want to, then tell her. But you don't have to lie. But focus on your priorities. Focus on what you really believe in. Focus on some top goals in your life. If you have time in your life to date, then the next question is on who to date. Each day, you have an opportunity to date if you want, if you have time and everything. So, do you want to go out with her? That is a crucial question. I know, you want to move on. But you wanted to move on because you got hurt. But will you regret this? In other words, what hurts more, not trying to date her or the hurt she already gave you? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 She just feels bad and so she's being nice so you won't think she's a bad person. As you well know she isn't interested. What you should do is stop returning her text or calls. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 I think she is interested, but secondary. She what's to explore the relationship with this other guy but keep you on the back burner. Tell her you're dating someone and she wouldn't appreciate your continued communication. That will send the message. Or you can just be direct and say I'm wanting to move on, maybe we can be friends down the road but not now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CLS63AMG Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 She misses the attention you were giving her, even though she's totally not interested. Stop replying to her texts and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 1 hour ago, welphereiam said: I have posted here before and got great advice so I am back for more. I posted maybe a month ago about someone I was interested in. She told me she wasn't interested and it was awkward. Then she ended up dating some guy and I was hurt. So I withdrew myself from the situation and tried to move on with my life. I let her know I didn't think I could be close to her right now and needed some time for myself. She has never really respected that. I thought if I have to respect her feelings, she should respect mine. Throughout the last month and a half she has reached out a few times to say Happy Thanksgiving and then "How are you?" a few days later. I messaged her back and was nice and cordial. But she didn't write back. That's fine, I took it as same old same old with her so I just moved along. Well the other night again she texted me at 1 am telling me she wanted to catch up and that she missed me. And I was very put off by it. I was doing better without talking to her and now she was back. But she is still dating that guy. My question is...why won't she leave me alone? If she doesn't have feelings for me and I told her I needed time, why does she keep checking in? Especially when she is with another guy. I feel stupid for this but I still get the butterflies when I see her text, and I've heard she was hurt by me not wanting to be her friend. I try to shut these thoughts down, but I can't help but think..maybe she is still thinking about me! But then I tell myself I can't think that way because she has made it clear she doesn't want to be with me. I'm trying to move on but she's making it tough. Any thoughts? She is interested. Is she still dating that other guy? Go get her back. Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 You passed on a 1am booty call ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 1 hour ago, preraph said: She just feels bad and so she's being nice so you won't think she's a bad person. As you well know she isn't interested. What you should do is stop returning her text or calls. Shes not not being nice to him. I think she broke up with him for silly reason and wants him around as a fall back option after playing the field. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 And she'll be texting some other guy at 1 am while shes sleeping in your bed, the cycle continues 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 (edited) Honestly, it just sounds like she likes the attention of having an orbiter hanging around. As for the 1:00 am message. I'd say there was likely alcohol involved. People who want to spend time with you actually make plans. Words are cheap, actions tell you everything. Some people need constant validation and it sounds like she is one of them. It makes her feel better knowing you're still interested. That's why she isn't taking your feelings or needs into account. This is all about her! My advice to you is stop giving her power over this situation. You decide what is acceptable, not her. If you need space, take it. No texts. Block her number. She has no reason to be sending you trivial texts, and you don't need to be seeing them. You shouldn't be wasting those butterflies over her texts, but someone new and potentially interested. She has nothing to offer you. Move on. Edited December 18, 2019 by Scarlett.O'hara 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 I dislike that label- 'friend-zoned' because so often it's nothing like friendship, people don't toy with the affections of their friends! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 Never in my entire life, did someone "not leave me alone" …..Maybe my mom, the only exception...😄 Its simple... I know its probably not what you want to do, but just tell her to hit the bricks and regain your dignity....Don't let people play games with you...Sure, it will hurt, as you are keeping a foot in the door and now you will slam it shut, but it WILL be better in the end.....on all levels... TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author welphereiam Posted December 19, 2019 Author Share Posted December 19, 2019 All of this is really good stuff. Going back a month and a half or so ago I told her that I needed time and that I couldn't as close of a friend right now but maybe in the future. And she didn't really like that. She said I was being mean because I was holding my friendship hostage for her affection. Which to an extent is true but really it's more that I can't see her with another guy. It hurts. About two months ago she called me drunk and told me she had feelings for me and she wanted to sleep with me and cuddle and all that. Well, I woke up the next day and told her what she said. She said she couldn't remember and she was embarrassed and didn't mean it and she's sorry and that whole run around. That's when I originally brought up my feelings. Told her I didn't think it was cool to call me and tell me all that I wanted to hear then say it she doesn't remember and she didn't mean it. So I feel like I have done my best to distance myself from her and respect her space. But she has popped up a few times since then "checking in". I don't get it. In my mind once the rejection happens it's just normal for two people to go the other way. She seems to say one thing and do another so maybe I'm just dealing with a person who is not as good as I thought. I haven't heard from her since she texted me saying she missed me and wanted to catch up. I told her that we could catch up but to let me know when she wants to. Silence. Ball goes in her court and nothing ever happens. I'm starting to see the truth here. Unless I'm jaded by this crush I have on her Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 (edited) I think she wants to be your friend. That's what the "check-ins" are about. Possibly for orbiter or "backup" purposes or possibly just actual friendship. However, since you have such strong feelings, you can't be that right now. The other thing here is that she appears to be quite flaky. Who knows what the blow-offs are about; possibly her BF doesn't like her seeing you or possibly she's just a flake. IMO "I can't be your friend right now, sorry" is what you should really be telling her. If she complains again about "holding your friendship hostage" just explain that you don't want to, but it its hurting you to try to be her friend, so it's just not healthy for you and you need to stop and that's just how it is. Suggest you make a firm decision to do that and move on to someone who is available and likes you back (as more than friends). Edited December 20, 2019 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 (edited) OK, so the phrase 'friend zone': The key word here is 'friend' She sees you as a friend. This is a whole different scenario to straight out rejection. If you don't want to be her friend, you have to tell her. And the 1am message was drunk. If you don't want people who think they are friends messaging you at ungodly hours, let them know it's not welcome. Edited December 20, 2019 by basil67 punctuation Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 I think i have to agree with others here who are telling you to stop answering her messages and calls. She's not interested in you romantically but she likes that you are interested in her and likes the attention. She is messing with your head and taking advantage so i would advise that you tell her that you can't be friends right now and block her number. Link to post Share on other sites
fromheart Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 Unless you like second place, drop kick her. The other option is to have her 'for fun,' if that takes your fancy. Nothing more though. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 No contact is up to you not her. block and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 Block her or just don't respond when she texts or calls you the next time. She's probably only reaching out to you when there isn't anyone else around and not only that, she's getting your hopes up. And she's far from worth it. If you keep it up, she'll only break your heart more if you don't disengage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 On 12/17/2019 at 9:52 PM, Ami1uwant said: Shes not not being nice to him. I think she broke up with him for silly reason and wants him around as a fall back option after playing the field. Yep. Link to post Share on other sites
hercules22 Posted December 23, 2019 Share Posted December 23, 2019 Just ignore sometimes you got lose them your only intention was romantical you can never be friends you will always wonder she will understand when you ignore her you already made it clear with the way she turned you down. I dont think you can be her friend just by looking at what you are saying Link to post Share on other sites
Alt90 Posted December 26, 2019 Share Posted December 26, 2019 It's interesting reading this as I am in a similar (gay) version myself. Except we moved in together (his suggestion) and it was him who friend zoned me! It's both the best and worst things at the same time. Link to post Share on other sites
Brennan72 Posted December 26, 2019 Share Posted December 26, 2019 she is keeping you around as a "Plan B" or auxiliary boyfriend, in case her main guys dumps her. Seriously, cut her off. You don't ned to be someone's consolation prize Link to post Share on other sites
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