After the Affair... lackluster ordinary life...

[2BGoodAgain]

To be brief...

 

a few months ago, a 12+yr affair ended rather abruptly. 

She moved on after years of me not ending my current relationship and in essence rejecting her....and normally, when we "break up"(we've done this dozens of times)... we just conclude that our feelings exist but we just weren't meant to be together... But this time..when I found out she finally moved on to someone else... something she's never done before.. ... i dunno, something within me cracked...

 

Odd part is....

 

I don't know why i felt so broken inside.. and i literally became somewhat of an addict trying to get his next fix. The fix being contact with AP. Eventually, it had to end, b/c she found someone and regardless of the reasons, it ended and we've blocked each other on every social media. So it pretty much feels done, over with, though obviously thoughts of her and little odd bits of conversation here and there linger in my mind... 

 

I'm wary for relapse and during unguarded moments of the morning or when it's too quiet, my mind does wander off before i immediately shut it down and move on. I've spent months analyzing, going thru therapy, to evaluate my inner flaws that allowed this situation to happen, linger and progress to the point where I got an immense high being in contact with her. 

 

Now that it's all gone, i've slowly rebuilt my life, myself and my broken relationships... slowly and tepidly....

 

So this is the question on hand.... and i'd appreciate all your various inputs...

 

Now that I'm focusing on my own life and the people around me... including my gf whom for 11 years I've had a relationship with... Life at times.. feel BLAH...  When I do think about her during those unguarded times, I'm not jealous of the guy she's sleeping with and apparently in "love" with.. but i'm wondering just if she's... like i feel like my own life is ordinary and blah... those intense feelings of lust, love,drama... talking/text for 18hrs every day...  now suddenly gone... and everything seems dull....

 

I realize those ridiculously highs of sex/love/drama .. were just that... highs..  ego boost and what not, chemistry in the brain thinking this was it.. when in reality, it was just dopamine hits over and over for years and i didn't realize really... thought it was love when it really wasn't. I stress personal chemistry above all things, mistaking it for love(?)?

 

I honestly don't know what love is anymore... i know it in my head, but i definitely don't trust my heart at the moment... but i'm being constantly plagued by this feeling of blah...

everything seems so ordinary now.. compared to when i was with her..  i miss it immensely... until i remember the terrible withdrawals... 

 

thoughts? feedbacks? personal stories? I need to understand and feel like these highs are just that... highs...  

half the sayings out there about love ... seems so much like the dopamine highs i experienced, that i honestly don't seem to find any.... solace in that i left something bad behind... 

 

throw me your thoughts. thanks!

 

 

[mark clemson]

I suspect your analysis is exactly right - the affair has been a kind of "high" for you and now you're experiencing an extended "low". So ordinary life, which should register as "just fine' seems not so good.

 

It's probably all in the interpretation. I'm the kind of person who can take pleasure in ordinary things like birds flitting through bushes or the play of light on a surface. But not everyone is like that. My guess is in time you'll be back to that grounded state where a latte or cup of hot chocolate, while it may not "satisfy your soul" is at least satisfying...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You'd probably be a happier person if you just break up with your long term girlfriend and date casually with no commitments.  Then you can have the dopamine fixes, the drama, etc.  

[Mrin]

I know this probably won't help but she's probably having a great time. Think about it. she finally has a relationship that's out in the open and can be explored fully. She's experiencing all sorts of new stuff - stuff she didn't have with you. It's probably a really great time. 

 

Now you're experiencing this blah-ness because you're trapped in your long term relationship and are coming from a sense of loss. You have no new stimulants like she does. Your life is now "less" without her while her life is "more" without you.

 

It sucks. But it is the truth. Sorry dude. 

Edited December 18, 2019 by Mrin

[2BGoodAgain]

13 hours ago, Mrin said:

I know this probably won't help but she's probably having a great time. Think about it. she finally has a relationship that's out in the open and can be explored fully. She's experiencing all sorts of new stuff - stuff she didn't have with you. It's probably a really great time. 

 

Now you're experiencing this blah-ness because you're trapped in your long term relationship and are coming from a sense of loss. You have no new stimulants like she does. Your life is now "less" without her while her life is "more" without you.

 

It sucks. But it is the truth. Sorry dude. 

 

I agree that she's probably have a time of her life... short term... etc.. 

 

but i doubt the relationship is out in the "open"... she's still married with kids...  but who knows, perhaps she's met the right person and she's going to move on by committing to another relationship. very possible... long term happiness... then again.. her happiness is never within herself... all the time i've known her, she's always noticed and sought affirmation from men(whether she claimed she wanted it or not)... (shrug)...

 

at this point, it isn't about her.. I'm trying to find my own place in my own happiness... she's moved on.. that's done with. And as tempting or as tempting as it will be to seek it out... long term happiness has to be more than just getting your fixes... it may be fun short term or make you feel better short term, but don't you get tired of that? Don't you want to find something deeper and with more meaning?

[Mrin]

Oh wow. She was a married other woman (MOW)? Okay so she moved on to a new affair partner. I know this will sound judgmental but that's kinda gross if you ask me. I mean, it sort of defeats the whole affair fiction of "I married the wrong person when it is so clear that we were made for each other" thing right? It turns it into something more crass and base. She just found a side dude she likes more. Also means she's just a garden variety serial cheater finding pleasure or solace with other men. I can see why that would come as a blow to you. Sort of degrades the whole affair that you two had doesn't it? And you just stuck here without an AP while she's off frolicking with her new AP. No wonder life seems like it is missing something. That sucks dude. 

 

Welp. Nothing I say or anyone else says can fill the void that your AP left. I think you already get this but just going out and finding a new AP isn't really a fix. Life is too short to be living in secret. You need to really fix it and there are only three ways I know how:

 

NOTE: above all, do not ever contact your AP again. Don't stalk her on social media. She's dead to you.

 

1. Divorce your wife so you can go forth and find happiness fully with another woman.

2. Work on growing your marriage to fill the void left by the AP. 

3. Fill the void with yourself. Turn inward. Find happiness just with yourself and come to terms that the void left by the AP won't be replaced by someone else. Only you. 

 

Actually, I can think of a 4th. It is risky but worth considering. Can you open up your marriage? Would your wife be willing to do that? 

[2BGoodAgain]

26 minutes ago, Mrin said:

Oh wow. She was a married other woman (MOW)? Okay so she moved on to a new affair partner. I know this will sound judgmental but that's kinda gross if you ask me. I mean, it sort of defeats the whole affair fiction of "I married the wrong person when it is so clear that we were made for each other" thing right? It turns it into something more crass and base. She just found a side dude she likes more. Also means she's just a garden variety serial cheater finding pleasure or solace with other men. I can see why that would come as a blow to you. Sort of degrades the whole affair that you two had doesn't it? And you just stuck here without an AP while she's off frolicking with her new AP. No wonder life seems like it is missing something. That sucks dude. 

 

Welp. Nothing I say or anyone else says can fill the void that your AP left. I think you already get this but just going out and finding a new AP isn't really a fix. Life is too short to be living in secret. You need to really fix it and there are only three ways I know how:

 

NOTE: above all, do not ever contact your AP again. Don't stalk her on social media. She's dead to you.

 

1. Divorce your wife so you can go forth and find happiness fully with another woman.

2. Work on growing your marriage to fill the void left by the AP. 

3. Fill the void with yourself. Turn inward. Find happiness just with yourself and come to terms that the void left by the AP won't be replaced by someone else. Only you. 

 

Actually, I can think of a 4th. It is risky but worth considering. Can you open up your marriage? Would your wife be willing to do that? 

 

well, to be fair... i don't feel I deserve to feel betrayed by it... how can cheaters feel cheated on, as the saying goes.... right?

 

As for serial cheater... that remains to be seen... for 12 years, she only was intimate with me, her hub and... one random cruise guy... i know, that's kinda a bad red flag to begin with. She asked me for 12yrs to leave my current relationship, which i didn't. Essentially a rejection of her. After the last rejection, she claimed something in her broke... perhaps her feelings for me.. who knows. and she latched onto a guy. it was purely text/vid. never met. She was very attached to this guy emotionally or something.

 

So she and I met for the last time, did this weird vacation thing that we had always talked about; kinda a last harrah.... (shrug)... rationalized it as such. 2 weeks after that, she tells me she's going on a real date with a guy... which means, knowing her, she's been talking to him at least a week.. so technically, not really cheating on me... but i do feel betrayed b/c of the way she treated me... not the top dog. I think that's basically it... suddenly i wasn't the top guy in her life.. and it hit my self esteem. prob the main draw of her in my life. I said some inconvenient truths to her... she blocked me on everything; i did the same. End of story, as far as that goes.. 

 

As for my relationship... my fiancee for 5 years, together for 11yrs... she broke off the engagement, i came clean about everything to her.. I told her i'd get therapy, which I have and prob for a while... regardless if she stays with me or not... I've always given her an out from day 1... and even with therapy and changes to my life i've made, i will always give her an out...  and she's aware of it. So no pressure on her to take me back regardless... though, i do hope she does.

 

Whether i stay with her or not is based on a couple of things.. how i feel about her... i'm a firm believer that you can't help who you fall for... i fell for her once.. but i let that feeling slip away and got detracted by the highs of the AP... who's actions were extreme and i thought those actions were indicative of love... which fed my low self esteem and the fantasy that was sweeter than the real hard work of a real relationship. I'm starting to see why I fell in love with my relationship so long ago.. I'm hoping it comes back.. stronger, not just passionately and crazy... but the kind of love that can withstand the realities of life.

 

But whether i'm with her or not, it's also dependent on her wishes and dreams. If i'm VERY lucky... i'll keep walking with her on that journey.

 

If i'm not, then that's also what i'll have to accept as a consequence of my actions. 

 

But my more immediate concern is relapse and falling into the need to feel that high again... i can feel it on the outskirts of my mind and thoughts... waiting for me to be weak and seek it out again... I need to be a stronger individual... no matter the cravings... 

 

b/c whether in this relationship or the next... i don't get a better handle on my issues... history will repeat itself. 

 

AND the last thing i want to do is get into a relationship with someone like my AP... that would be the biggest disaster of all, as far as I'm concerned. 

 

I've forgotten what love is... i need to find out again... i thought my AP was the love of my life... and i found out to my humiliation and the pain i've caused others closest to me, that it was just a high i was addicted to.

 

But in the meantime... things seem so dull.... the only exception is my relationship with my gf. it's getting better, but during unguarded moments... my mind wanders to the AP and the feelings i felt, the crazy hours we spent talking, the crazy amount of attention she gave me and I to her... my gf doesn't have low esteem issues.... she doesn't feel the need for constant attention from me... but i can tell she loves me thru her love languages... 

 

it reminds me daily how badly i hurt her and damaged our relationship... it causes an ache in my heart, and i'm really glad for it. But it's gonna be a slow process to build on a love forgotten vs the high constantly banging on my door.... 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 19, 2019 by 2BGoodAgain

[mark clemson]

15 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

But ... during unguarded moments... my mind wanders to the AP and the feelings i felt, the crazy hours we spent talking, the crazy amount of attention she gave me and I to her...

 

This can go on for quite a while, BUT so long as it's only/mostly remembered feelings, not actual feelings it's probably no big deal.

 

I felt how strange it was when I could remember having all this insanely strong feelings but not feel them anymore. For someone I didn't really know all that well in my case. So I if (or when) it's just the thoughts but not the "drive" or real desire to reconnect or anything then those thoughts are not a big deal in a way. They won't lead to anything, which is good.

[2BGoodAgain]

2 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

 

This can go on for quite a while, BUT so long as it's only/mostly remembered feelings, not actual feelings it's probably no big deal.

 

I felt how strange it was when I could remember having all this insanely strong feelings but not feel them anymore. For someone I didn't really know all that well in my case. So I if (or when) it's just the thoughts but not the "drive" or real desire to reconnect or anything then those thoughts are not a big deal in a way. They won't lead to anything, which is good.

 

I'm glad for that.  I do genuinely miss her, but i realize i miss only parts of her. There were other parts, I wish i didn't know about.. 

 

Weird part is... every time we "broke up"... i was relieved, b/c the crazy intense dramas was over... somehow, over the years... did i get used to it? addicted to it? when did this suddenly change from relief that it's over to "i miss it"?

 

what a strange thing, we human beings are....  anyway, that's why now i question what love really is... i always associated love with this intense feeling of mutual attraction... we had that for 12 years.. if that wasn't it, what is? i really don't trust my own judgement... when my therapy asked me if i still loved my gf... i honestly couldn't say yes. i wanted to say yes, but what is love? i know it mentally, but my heart is lost utterly.

[Amethyst68]

3 hours ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

when my therapy asked me if i still loved my gf... i honestly couldn't say yes. i wanted to say yes, but what is love? i know it mentally, but my heart is lost utterly.

 

You say your GF knows everything, does she know this? That you doubt your feelings for her? Or is she basing her decision to stay on the assumption you love her? Does she know the only reason the A ended was that your AP found another AP, that you would still be cheating otherwise?