Should I make contact?

[Irn-bru]

This is a long story.... About five years ago I started having an affair with a single woman, I’m the married cheating dog in all this. I was up front right from the start and rather quickly we fell in love. I had intentions of leaving my wife and starting a life with her, but as with all relationships, cracks started to appear. She had really bad trust issues and was always checking up on me in her own little way. 

 

We did get along great and were best friends. I was crazy about her and she was about me too. As the relationship continued it got a little harder, she wanted more than I could give her at the time and we broke up once or twice, but that didn’t last. About a year in she was diagnosed with cancer. I stood by her and did everything I could, I did love her after all. We managed to get through it and still had our ups and downs, it was hard at times. 

 

Fast forward to this year. I did some serious soul searching and told her I didn’t see a future for us. I still love and care about her, but I knew deep down we weren’t compatible to live together and it wouldn’t have lasted. This went back and forth and a week later her cancer was back. I was devastated and felt horrible, I still do. We haven’t been in contact for over a month, but not a day goes by that I don’t think about her and wonder how her health is and how she’s coping with cancer again. I know I shouldn’t get in contact with her, but I really want to know she’s okay or how she is. I do miss her greatly, she was my best friend for many years. What should I do? 

 

On a side note. I have told my wife that I no longer love her and want a divorce. That was a lot easier than breaking up with her. I’m at a crossroads in my life and don’t know which was to turn any more.

[pepperbird]

I would suggest that you get your own head straight before you drag anyone else down with you. You do your ex-ow no favours, especially if she is sick, by popping in and out. What she needs is calm and support. Can you give her that, no strings attached?

If you want to support, her, be a friend! Why does it have to be romantic?

[Irn-bru]

I want to be her friend and support more than anything.  I’d really like to still be her friend without any romantic or sexual ties. My worry is she might not want that, or still want more. My head is all over the place, but I’d like to be there for her as a friend through this. The thought of anything happening to her and never knowing is hard to imagine.

[preraph]

But you'd be bringing your mess into her life, the divorce, all that.  She's got enough problems without being involved with someone who has their own problems going on.  And you are right, she may still have tender feelings, so you'd just upset her.  

 

Doesn't she have family to help her through her illness? 

[Irn-bru]

She does have some family. She doesn’t get on with her mom and her children don’t check up on her as much as they should do. Your right, I don’t want to bring my problems in to her life either, all I’m really hoping is to try and be there for her in some capacity. I have absolutely no interest in starting things up romantically, but would like to be that best friend again. I really don’t know what I should do.

[mark clemson]

Consider explaining to her how you feel and what is going on with your life and then asking her what capacity, if any, she'd like for you to be there for her. If she says let me be, you leave her alone. If she says yes come be supportive, then you do that.

[ABernie]

43 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Consider explaining to her how you feel and what is going on with your life and then asking her what capacity, if any, she'd like for you to be there for her. If she says let me be, you leave her alone. If she says yes come be supportive, then you do that.

 

 

This is what I would think is good advice as well.  However as a fOW, I know that I would say I would be OK with just friendship in hopes of something rekindling.  Don't do that to her.  

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Irn-bru said:

I want to be her friend and support more than anything.  I’d really like to still be her friend without any romantic or sexual ties. My head is all over the place, but I’d like to be there for her as a friend through this. 

 

Hasn’t that ship already sailed... you haven’t maintained boundaries in the relationship in the past - what makes you think that you will be able to do so now? 

 

I appreciate your desire to offer support, but I tend to think your interest in reestablishing contact is also motivated by your own self interest. I tend to agree with pepperbird, she has enough to deal with now, the last thing that she needs is a former affair partner popping back into her life. 

Edited December 18, 2019 by BaileyB

[Irn-bru]

Thanks for the reply’s and insight. My intentions aren’t to start anything physical again, I just want to try and be a good friend. We went through a lot together and I feel like I abandoned her at the worst possible time. The biggest thing for me is to make sure she’s okay, that might sound selfish on some level too. I just can’t imagine anything bad happening and not knowing.

[Poppy47]

8 hours ago, Irn-bru said:

Thanks for the reply’s and insight. My intentions aren’t to start anything physical again, I just want to try and be a good friend. We went through a lot together and I feel like I abandoned her at the worst possible time. The biggest thing for me is to make sure she’s okay, that might sound selfish on some level too. I just can’t imagine anything bad happening and not knowing.

You did abandon her.  Giver her a break and leave her alone.  If you don't know what happens to her, then it will just have to be the cross you bear.

I feel you have played around with her life and emotions for long enough.

Poppy

[BaileyB]

15 hours ago, Irn-bru said:

Thanks for the reply’s and insight. My intentions aren’t to start anything physical again, I just want to try and be a good friend. We went through a lot together and I feel like I abandoned her at the worst possible time. 

 

If this is true, I wouldn’t be interested in talking to you again. It doesn’t matter what your intentions are, this is a dangerous game - playing with her emotions. 

 

Besides, supporting someone with cancer is a difficult thing to do. It’s not a fairytale, happy ending. If you don’t have the ability to stand by her, through the bad and the really, really bad, don’t contact this woman. 

Edited December 19, 2019 by BaileyB

[2BGoodAgain]

19 hours ago, Irn-bru said:

This is a long story.... About five years ago I started having an affair with a single woman, I’m the married cheating dog in all this. I was up front right from the start and rather quickly we fell in love. I had intentions of leaving my wife and starting a life with her, but as with all relationships, cracks started to appear. She had really bad trust issues and was always checking up on me in her own little way. 

 

We did get along great and were best friends. I was crazy about her and she was about me too. As the relationship continued it got a little harder, she wanted more than I could give her at the time and we broke up once or twice, but that didn’t last. About a year in she was diagnosed with cancer. I stood by her and did everything I could, I did love her after all. We managed to get through it and still had our ups and downs, it was hard at times. 

 

Fast forward to this year. I did some serious soul searching and told her I didn’t see a future for us. I still love and care about her, but I knew deep down we weren’t compatible to live together and it wouldn’t have lasted. This went back and forth and a week later her cancer was back. I was devastated and felt horrible, I still do. We haven’t been in contact for over a month, but not a day goes by that I don’t think about her and wonder how her health is and how she’s coping with cancer again. I know I shouldn’t get in contact with her, but I really want to know she’s okay or how she is. I do miss her greatly, she was my best friend for many years. What should I do? 

 

On a side note. I have told my wife that I no longer love her and want a divorce. That was a lot easier than breaking up with her. I’m at a crossroads in my life and don’t know which was to turn any more.

 

wait... who's the one with the cancer? your AP or your wife?

gonna presume it's the AP, from the responses above....

 

it's good that you ended it with your wife, and stay single until you figure yourself out..

 

As for your AP.... MarkC / Elaine are both right... someone going thru what she's going thru, the pain and suffering she will again go thru...  just keep in mind, what she may decide when she's in clear thought, may change drastically when she's going thru chemo/etc...

 

if you can't handle it from start to finish, i highly advise you don't get involved.. besides... it seems that it's more about YOUR own curiosity than you taking care of her... so unless you intend to take care of her thru this ordeal she's going thru... don't contact her and give her some peace... even if you want to negate any guilt or personal curiosity you may have...

 

also perhaps contemplate that your wishing to contact her to see how she's doing may be a rationale for something else... a thought.. many years of having the reaction you did to her... a part of you may still crave it, presuming you are lacking it in your current situation in life.

 

 

 

Edited December 19, 2019 by 2BGoodAgain

[FMW]

Don't contact her.  Most likely she wouldn't be satisfied with just friendship and reopening that wound isn't something she needs right now on top of dealing with her cancer diagnosis.

 

Don't be selfish.  It's your burden to bear to not know what's going on with her.  Don't make things worse for her.  

[Irn-bru]

Thanks for all the advice. I’ll take the advice and not make contact. Like others have said, it’s my cross to bear. It’s still not easy when emotions are involved and you genuinely care for that person. I don’t feel good about any of it, I don’t regret the times we had either. Just one of life’s painful lessons 

[jah526]

This is a tough one. Does she have a way to contact you now? If she has a way and just hasn’t well, then, I guess you have your answer.

 

If she doesn’t, then maybe you could send her a note, saying what you’ve said here, that you care for her and want to be there for her as a friend, if she would like that. I get what the others are saying above but if she doesn’t have much support then maybe the presence of someone who cares would be welcome. I think your heart is in the right place.

 

My mom succumbed to pancreatic cancer and it was devastating. When she was throwing up bile all I could do was hold her emaciated body in my arms and hope it provided some small amount of comfort. As others have said, you need to know what you’re signing up for.

Edited December 20, 2019 by jah526

[Irn-bru]

1 hour ago, jah526 said:

This is a tough one. Does she have a way to contact you now? If she has a way and just hasn’t well, then, I guess you have your answer.

 

If she doesn’t, then maybe you could send her a note, saying what you’ve said here, that you care for her and want to be there for her as a friend, if she would like that. I get what the others are saying above but if she doesn’t have much support then maybe the presence of someone who cares would be welcome. I think your heart is in the right place.

 

My mom succumbed to pancreatic cancer and it was devastating. When she was throwing up bile all I could do was hold her emaciated body in my arms and hope it provided some small amount of comfort. As others have said, you need to know what you’re signing up for.

 

She does have a way of contacting me, just hasn’t done it. All I really want to do is try and be a good friend and support her, nothing more. I already went through three years of that with her, she lost her beautiful hair at one point, but it came back just as good as ever. I can’t sign up to be with her 24/7, but would like to be someone that I could talk to and still visit. I have no idea what her last prognosis was, or if she’ll even make it through this one. I know it’s easy to say leave her alone and don’t bother her, but it’s hard when you genuinely loved that person and still care about them in some capacity. I’d understand if she didn’t want anything more to do with me either. She was broken hearted and I felt like a really s***ty human being.

 

When I first met her I was going to leave my wife for her, but after time I realized that it wouldn’t work between us. As much as we did love each other, I knew living together would drive us apart. Which ultimately led me to ending it. Some life lessons you just have to learn the hard way.

[BaileyB]

If you genuinely loved her, you would have done what was required to be with her.
 

You “still care about her in some capacity” but “can’t sign up to be with her 24/7.” Both of these statements mean, you need to leave her alone. If she had a way of contacting you and hasn’t done so, that says something... 

 

you have your own selfish reasons for wanting to contact her. Fair enough, but when she is fighting for her life - absolving your guilt and settling your own curiosity about her wellbeing is not reason enough for contacting her. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but that’s how this reads. Let her go. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, jah526 said:

My mom succumbed to pancreatic cancer and it was devastating. When she was throwing up bile all I could do was hold her emaciated body in my arms and hope it provided some small amount of comfort. As others have said, you need to know what you’re signing up for.

 

bingo. From personal experience, it’s not easy to care for someone with cancer, particularly in the end stages. It becomes only about providing care and comfort for that person, all other needs and agendas must be forgotten. Some are not able to do that. We certainly had people come around who were more concerned with their own agenda, than supporting my mother during her illness. It was very obvious, and I had no patience for that. If you do contact her, know what you are signing up for and be prepared to put your own needs and agenda aside OP. 

[Irn-bru]

21 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

If you genuinely loved her, you would have done what was required to be with her.
 

You “still care about her in some capacity” but “can’t sign up to be with her 24/7.” Both of these statements mean, you need to leave her alone. If she had a way of contacting you and hasn’t done so, that says something... 

 

you have your own selfish reasons for wanting to contact her. Fair enough, but when she is fighting for her life - absolving your guilt and settling your own curiosity about her wellbeing is not reason enough for contacting her. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but that’s how this reads. Let her go. 

 

Life isn’t as black and white as you make it. You can love someone, but fall out of love when you realize that you aren’t as compatible as you once thought. She did some things over the years that violated my privacy, as she had trust issues. I’m not here to bash her, but those were some of the reasons why I knew it wouldn’t work in the end. 

 

Maybe my reasons are selfish to a certain degree, but that’s not what’s motivating me to reach out. Wanting to be a friend doesn’t mean your signing up to be around 24/7. If I could in someway remain good friends and make her feel better in some capacity, that’s not me being selfish. If I really didn’t care, I wouldn’t have given her a second thought. You have to ask yourself why would I sign up to potentially watch someone fade away in front of me? It’s certainly not for my benefit. My relationship ship with her wasn’t built on sex, we were genuinely best friends. It killed me to end the relationship. I ended it because she never would have and it wasn’t fair. She’d never move on from me. When it struck me that I really couldn’t see a healthy future for us, I didn’t want to give her that false hope, she deserved better. Just because I didn’t follow through on my intentions at the start, doesn’t mean they weren’t real. 

[BaileyB]

I hear what you are saying, and I agree with much of it. I think, we are all just trying to encourage you to be clear in your intention and to consider the situation not from your perspective, but from hers. Take care.

[Irn-bru]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

I hear what you are saying, and I agree with much of it. I think, we are all just trying to encourage you to be clear in your intention and to consider the situation not from your perspective, but from hers. Take care.

 

Thanks. It’s just hard to know what to do. I’ll give it all a lot of thought.

[Irn-bru]

I reached out via text to her. She called me a little later and we talked. She can’t do the friends thing and I completely understood. It was hard going over it again, but we talked a lot about her treatment and how she was. I’m hoping and praying she beats this horrible disease. It was amicable, all be it still very upsetting again. 

 

I’m going to just try and figure out my own life. Saying goodbye to my best friend has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I still love her and care, but just know it wouldn’t have lasted living with each other. I know these forums are filled with lots of heartache and pain, the world can be a cruel place. Ultimately we all make our choices and have to live with them. The heartache I caused this woman will haunt me forever, she truly deserved better. 

 

For anyone reading, please be kind to the other person and put there feeling ahead of yours, unlike me. 

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, Irn-bru said:

 

For anyone reading, please be kind to the other person and put there feeling ahead of yours, unlike me. 

 

I think you just did, by respecting her decision and not pushing when she told you that she can not handle it.

 

I’m sorry that you are hurting. Best wishes.

[elaine567]

OK now you feel bad but how do  you think she now feels?
I guess she now feels even worse than she did prior to your contact... 
 

[Irn-bru]

25 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

OK now you feel bad but how do  you think she now feels?
I guess she now feels even worse than she did prior to your contact... 
 

 

I’m sure she doesn’t feel too great either about now. It was a bittersweet conversation. We both enjoyed talking again, but then the inevitable. I reached out in the hopes of being a good friend, unfortunately that isn’t to be. As difficult as that is, I respect that and will honor that. I told her that I wouldn’t reach out again, it’s not fair and cruel. The door is always open for her if she needs a friend though. I know my reasons seem selfish and are to a degree, I just wanted to know how she was coping with the fight and needed a friend. Believe me, it’s absolutely heartbreaking.