Should I make contact?

[jah526]

Well, you have your closure. I think you did the right thing. Now continue to do it, and move on. You can’t rescue her, and she doesn’t want you to either. Sometimes we have a tendency to focus on other people’s problems as a way of avoiding our own.

[PhoenixRising8]

On 12/18/2019 at 12:11 PM, Irn-bru said:

This is a long story.... About five years ago I started having an affair with a single woman, I’m the married cheating dog in all this. I was up front right from the start and rather quickly we fell in love. I had intentions of leaving my wife and starting a life with her, but as with all relationships, cracks started to appear. She had really bad trust issues and was always checking up on me in her own little way. 

 

We did get along great and were best friends. I was crazy about her and she was about me too. As the relationship continued it got a little harder, she wanted more than I could give her at the time and we broke up once or twice, but that didn’t last. About a year in she was diagnosed with cancer. I stood by her and did everything I could, I did love her after all. We managed to get through it and still had our ups and downs, it was hard at times. 

 

Fast forward to this year. I did some serious soul searching and told her I didn’t see a future for us. I still love and care about her, but I knew deep down we weren’t compatible to live together and it wouldn’t have lasted. This went back and forth and a week later her cancer was back. I was devastated and felt horrible, I still do. We haven’t been in contact for over a month, but not a day goes by that I don’t think about her and wonder how her health is and how she’s coping with cancer again. I know I shouldn’t get in contact with her, but I really want to know she’s okay or how she is. I do miss her greatly, she was my best friend for many years. What should I do? 

 

On a side note. I have told my wife that I no longer love her and want a divorce. That was a lot easier than breaking up with her. I’m at a crossroads in my life and don’t know which was to turn any more.

Dear OP,

 

I'll try to be gentle here. You don't say why you think you aren't compatible but you did mention her trust issues and checking up on you as something that concerned you. She was single, you were married and cheating. Is it really that difficult to understand why she had trust issues with you?  You were lying to your wife for years, why would she believe you weren't also lying to her?

 

unless you have been the single partner, or put yourself in her shoes, it's easy to see that as a flaw. If you loved her, you would understand her flaws and accept them. And now that you can commit, you won't. You'd rather be single. No wonder she doesn't want your friendship. I wouldn't either. It's all about you. It's not hard to imagine her feeling your feelings weren't genuine. That you selfishly took her love, friendship and validation while it suited you and now that you can give her your love freely, you'd rather seek greener pastures. If you truly loved her, you would understand her view, recognize that it's stressful being the other woman and knowing you're the third wheel in a marriage. You would move mountains to prove yourself trustworthy but you won't. Should she have walked away long before? Yes but love keeps us holding on, rightly or wrongly. Ask me how I know ... I was the other woman myself. It isn't an easy road to walk. Please think about that. 

[Irn-bru]

30 minutes ago, LilKatKat said:

Dear OP,

 

I'll try to be gentle here. You don't say why you think you aren't compatible but you did mention her trust issues and checking up on you as something that concerned you. She was single, you were married and cheating. Is it really that difficult to understand why she had trust issues with you?  You were lying to your wife for years, why would she believe you weren't also lying to her?

 

unless you have been the single partner, or put yourself in her shoes, it's easy to see that as a flaw. If you loved her, you would understand her flaws and accept them. And now that you can commit, you won't. You'd rather be single. No wonder she doesn't want your friendship. I wouldn't either. It's all about you. It's not hard to imagine her feeling your feelings weren't genuine. That you selfishly took her love, friendship and validation while it suited you and now that you can give her your love freely, you'd rather seek greener pastures. If you truly loved her, you would understand her view, recognize that it's stressful being the other woman and knowing you're the third wheel in a marriage. You would move mountains to prove yourself trustworthy but you won't. Should she have walked away long before? Yes but love keeps us holding on, rightly or wrongly. Ask me how I know ... I was the other woman myself. It isn't an easy road to walk. Please think about that. 

 

The trust issues I could understand, but the levels she went to were just too much. I’m not going to say all what she did as I’m not here to put her down in anyway. I totally understood I was the married and cheating person in this, in fact I went out of my way to prove my whereabouts whenever I sensed her doubting me. Again I can understand why she would still have issues with trust, but surely these shouldn’t last after years have gone by.

 

I don’t think you are being overly harsh, but your view on love is black and white. You can fall in love with someone and that can change as it did for me to a certain degree. I still love her infact, but I know we aren’t compatible enough to make it last. I don’t think we’d last living together, actually I’m pretty sure of that. 

 

I fully understand being the OW is no walk in the park, I’ve realized that now more than ever. I didn’t deserve the love this woman gave me, she truly loved me more than anyone in the world has. It’s beem extremely hard for me, I can’t imagine how hard it’s been on her. She would never have left me and broke this off, I had to do it for her. I had to be willing enough to lover her enough to let her go. I couldn’t give her what she wanted, and most importantly deserved. 

 

For me its not about greener pastures or being single. It’s about hopefully someday finding my own true happiness with someone I’m fully compatible with.

[PhoenixRising8]

My views on love are not black and white. Far from. You actually remind me very much of my own x-MM. We were best friends. I never had restrictions on when I could text and the only time I couldn't call was when he was at home but then he would call me. We saw each other all the time 3-5 times a week. He was always there for me. Then we broke up because I deserved so much better than he could give me ... his words, much like yours. But he didn't even try, much like you didn't. Maybe the incompatible factors were the result of angst and stress because affairs are laden with them. That's my point. If you truly loved her, perhaps you might have tried dating openly, not living together straight away to see how things worked out. But you threw in the towel. After years of leaning on her emotionally  through a marriage you clearly wanted out of, since you have now left. How is she meant to feel?  Probably like she was good enough to prop you up through a bad marriage but not quite good enough to see if it could work once there weren't the restrictions on your relationship that are imposed by marriage and the stress that entails. Difficult to draw a different conclusion. 

[Irn-bru]

29 minutes ago, LilKatKat said:

My views on love are not black and white. Far from. You actually remind me very much of my own x-MM. We were best friends. I never had restrictions on when I could text and the only time I couldn't call was when he was at home but then he would call me. We saw each other all the time 3-5 times a week. He was always there for me. Then we broke up because I deserved so much better than he could give me ... his words, much like yours. But he didn't even try, much like you didn't. Maybe the incompatible factors were the result of angst and stress because affairs are laden with them. That's my point. If you truly loved her, perhaps you might have tried dating openly, not living together straight away to see how things worked out. But you threw in the towel. After years of leaning on her emotionally  through a marriage you clearly wanted out of, since you have now left. How is she meant to feel?  Probably like she was good enough to prop you up through a bad marriage but not quite good enough to see if it could work once there weren't the restrictions on your relationship that are imposed by marriage and the stress that entails. Difficult to draw a different conclusion. 

 

I can understand and see where your coming from. I can’t and never will be able to justify or even begin to seek forgiveness for what I did. If I had known now, what I didn’t then, I would never have done this. In fact, I remember after our first date texting her and saying we shouldn’t do this. I KNEW right away after that first date that it wouldn’t end well, I liked her WAY too much. We talked it over and then met again and again. After 2-3 weeks I had developed real feelings for her and I knew she did for me too. I told her that this would end in heartache and broke it off with her. I was crushed, she was too, but I knew it was the right thing. We were in a hotel and after getting myself together I saw a note on my window which hurt even more. 

 

A few days passed with no contact and I received a text from her. It was simply a video to the song by John Mayer, Dreaming with a Broken Heart. I was still very much struggling and responded to that text..... The rest is history. We all have a story to tell, it’s actually hard for me going over it still now and thinking about that note. It’s a painful life lesson for us both, I sympathize with your pain too, it’s so very hard. I’m not trying to be the good guy in this, what I did was wrong. Something that woll probably forever haunt me. Regret..... Unfortunately no. I wouldn’t change it if I wanted to.

[PhoenixRising8]

You have NO IDEA how much you sound like my x. He too says he has no regrets about us. That he loved me from the beginning and still does, even after what I did (long story).  After 5 months of radio silence, he reached out while on vacation because he was so miserable.  But in the end, unlike you, he can't leave. His adult son who lives at home is awaiting surgery, for the umpteenth time and he feels he has no choice but to stay. Do I believe him?  I honestly don't know. What I do know is even if he left, I could never go back. I wouldn't trust him to stay gone. I wouldn't trust him to not close off with me like he did with her when the going got tough. Too much water under the bridge. We had an amazing friendship, compatiblity and had each other's back, until things soured. Another time, another place, who knows. But I do know that his flaws are fatal in my mind. He hasn't the backbone to be honest and that's a big one for me. He's prepared to live a lie the rest of his life thinking he's somehow doing everyone a favour and BS is quite prepared to allow it, without fuss. May sound hypocritical given we had an affair but I have proven to him that I do have integrity and am honest (related to the previously mentioned long story). 

[Irn-bru]

On 12/22/2019 at 9:05 PM, LilKatKat said:

You have NO IDEA how much you sound like my x. He too says he has no regrets about us. That he loved me from the beginning and still does, even after what I did (long story).  After 5 months of radio silence, he reached out while on vacation because he was so miserable.  But in the end, unlike you, he can't leave. His adult son who lives at home is awaiting surgery, for the umpteenth time and he feels he has no choice but to stay. Do I believe him?  I honestly don't know. What I do know is even if he left, I could never go back. I wouldn't trust him to stay gone. I wouldn't trust him to not close off with me like he did with her when the going got tough. Too much water under the bridge. We had an amazing friendship, compatiblity and had each other's back, until things soured. Another time, another place, who knows. But I do know that his flaws are fatal in my mind. He hasn't the backbone to be honest and that's a big one for me. He's prepared to live a lie the rest of his life thinking he's somehow doing everyone a favour and BS is quite prepared to allow it, without fuss. May sound hypocritical given we had an affair but I have proven to him that I do have integrity and am honest (related to the previously mentioned long story). 

 

In my mind I was going to leave my wife for this woman, I even started looking at houses. There’s so much about the OW that was so special. I know probably 99% of men that enter these relationships use the OW, I’m probably no different, but I treated her with compassion and love. 

 

We went in to this with our eyes open. I knew after the very first date this was going to get complicated. We were absolutely crazy about each other after just one date and what a magical date it was. Even just writing these words, every part of me just wants to call her and be with her, I know I can’t though. 

 

She did tell me that she learned a lot about herself being with me and mostly positive. I was the first person in her life that let her be her and always supported and encouraged her. I’m not looking for a medal or anything like that, it just hurt hearing that. She’s had a very difficult life and gone through so much and now cancer on top of it all. Even when she lost all her hair, she was still absolutely beautiful to me and she had amazing hair. 

 

Anyway I'm rambling on. Like you I wonder under different circumstances if things could have been different. Maybe in the next lifetime?

[Hip Pocket]

I see you’ve already reached out to xOW and that she’s declined your offer of friendship and support during this difficult time. I’m glad you reached out, it shows you have compassion and care for her. 
 

Those who suggested that you shouldn’t offer to be there if you couldn’t promise 24/7 just don’t get it. Most spouses can’t even be there 24/7! If you offered me one hour per week on my deathbed guess what, I’d take it. Especially if we cared deeply for each other. 
 

I don’t understand the idea of being incompatible though. Insecurities can be worked on through therapy and once that’s taken care of it seems that you both had what it takes to develop things further. If she smoked and you didn’t, sure, that’s an incompatibility, but an emotional hang up can be dealt with. 
 

I hope she gets better, and I hope you’ll be ok too. 

[sandylee1]

On 12/20/2019 at 4:19 AM, Irn-bru said:

 

Life isn’t as black and white as you make it. You can love someone, but fall out of love when you realize that you aren’t as compatible as you once thought. She did some things over the years that violated my privacy, as she had trust issues. I’m not here to bash her, but those were some of the reasons why I knew it wouldn’t work in the end. 

 

Maybe my reasons are selfish to a certain degree, but that’s not what’s motivating me to reach out. Wanting to be a friend doesn’t mean your signing up to be around 24/7. If I could in someway remain good friends and make her feel better in some capacity, that’s not me being selfish. If I really didn’t care, I wouldn’t have given her a second thought. You have to ask yourself why would I sign up to potentially watch someone fade away in front of me? It’s certainly not for my benefit. My relationship ship with her wasn’t built on sex, we were genuinely best friends. It killed me to end the relationship. I ended it because she never would have and it wasn’t fair. She’d never move on from me. When it struck me that I really couldn’t see a healthy future for us, I didn’t want to give her that false hope, she deserved better. Just because I didn’t follow through on my intentions at the start, doesn’t mean they weren’t real. 

You did the right thing in leaving her tbh. 

 

Ppl are saying if you loved her, you'd be with her...I disagree. 

 

You discovered a long term relationship is not the same as an affair. 

 

It wouldn't have made sense to continue a relationship,  knowing you weren't compatible. 

 

 

[Hip Pocket]

5 hours ago, sandylee1 said:

You did the right thing in leaving her tbh. 

 

Ppl are saying if you loved her, you'd be with her...I disagree. 

 

You discovered a long term relationship is not the same as an affair. 

 

It wouldn't have made sense to continue a relationship,  knowing you weren't compatible. 

 

 

I’m sorry, but what does having a long-term relationship have to do with being incompatible? And why can you not equate a long term relationship with an affair? I have been with my MM a very long time. We are both long-term and compatible.

[Hrgirl915]

Coming from the OW perspective, please let her be. Unless you are divorcing your wife and choosing a life with this woman, just let her alone. Anything else would be misleading to her. I’m sure you care for her but some things just aren’t meant to be and you have to leave it where it’s at. Be a good and silent friend from a distance; pray for her recovery. I’m sorry. It is painful all around...

[sandylee1]

On 12/28/2019 at 5:39 AM, Pocket said:

I’m sorry, but what does having a long-term relationship have to do with being incompatible? And why can you not equate a long term relationship with an affair? I have been with my MM a very long time. We are both long-term and compatible.

Affairs even if long lasting are not the same as a normal relationship.

 

The fact that you have to hide  the relationship from a spouse says it all. 

 

I would have thought that was obvious. Why embark on an above relationship with someone you can see flaws in, or that you envisage having issues with going forwards. 

 

 

[sandylee1]

It also takes a certain character to have a long term affair...usually those who are very comfortable with deception on a long term basis.

[Hip Pocket]

1 hour ago, sandylee1 said:

Affairs even if long lasting are not the same as a normal relationship.

 

The fact that you have to hide  the relationship from a spouse says it all. 

 

I would have thought that was obvious. Why embark on an above relationship with someone you can see flaws in, or that you envisage having issues with going forwards. 

 

 

Everything about our R is normal so I don’t know what you are talking about. I don’t hide anything so no, it doesn’t say it all. And flaws? What flaws? If he has any flaws they are no different than any other man I’ve had a R with. My xH had far worse flaws so I’m comparison I quite prefer my MM. 

[Hip Pocket]

1 hour ago, sandylee1 said:

It also takes a certain character to have a long term affair...usually those who are very comfortable with deception on a long term basis.

Actually, it takes a certain character to have a long term R. And I obviously have what it takes.

There is no deception between us. If there was I’d be long gone. What happens between him and his W is entirely up to him. My ex H was very deceptive which is the reason I left him. But with MM, I completely trust him. He’s very very good to me. 

[sandylee1]

The very nature of an affair involves deception in some part. 

 

You can decide otherwise,  but without the sneaking around on the part of one or both of you because of a primary relationship, then it wouldn't be an affair. 

 

So he is comfortable with ongoing long term deception. You think it's all honest between you...I'm sure his wife thinks so too...after all there was that vow of fidelity when they got married. I'm assuning it's not an open marriage or it wouldn't be an affair.

 

 

[Crazelnut]

Proving once again how selfish cheaters are.  Everyone told you, and you knew deep down, that contacting her would be pointless and unkind.  But YOU wanted to assuage your own guilt.  YOU wanted to talk to her again.  YOU wanted to be "just friends." YOU wanted. YOU wanted.  And now what?  You've opened old wounds for this poor woman.  She has enough to deal with, and you just threw another log on her emotional fire.  Please leave her alone now and forever.