Is she happier or is the person she's seeing now "better" than me?

[ejewels]

Hey everyone, first post here! I tried posting many times on Reddit but it keeps getting rejected due to "similar posts exist" so I decided to come to a more welcoming place.

 

I've really been struggling lately. I (41) met a girl (36) in February and we really hit it off. Was throwing the L word around after 1 month. But I wasn't ready and got scared so pulled away. Didn't realize what I had. But still, we stayed together for the next 4 months while she chased me to get more emotions and claimed that even though I pulled away, she has fallen for me. Anyways, After a total of 5 months, she ended it with me because I just gave her no emotions and we were fighting all of the time. I also have an ex with a child so she would always get jealous of her and thought I still wanted her. Anyways, at the time she ended it I didn't care as we both agreed to it. 1 month after I reached out and we agreed to meet up, but got into another argument before we could ever actually meet. 

 

Fast forward to today, 4 months later. I dated a little bit but never got that connection I had with her. So I emailed her to see if she would want to talk again since I feel I've grown and miss her and she said she's seeing someone but it was good to hear from me. I felt crushed even though it was all my fault essentially.

 

My question is, if she really is seeing someone... does this mean she is happier or that the person is "better" than me if that was her response? Or would she not want to get back with me regardless of who is better or if she's happier? I'm pretty hurt right now and my ego is messing with me a little too. Just looking for someone to discuss as I don't have many friends I can discuss with. 

Edited December 18, 2019 by ejewels

[K.K.]

I don’t mean to sound dismissive and I’m sorry for your pain but it sounds like to me that the universe was looking out for you. 

 

You were fighting at 4 months already. She was jealous of your ex and that would’ve came across in her interactions with your child. 

 

You didn’t show her emotions because deep down, you knew it wasn’t meant to be. 

 

You didn’t lose anything except a bit of pride. It’ll pass. 

 

Chin up. 

[Beachead]

Hi Ejewels,

 

Her seeing someone else just means she's seeing someone else.  I wouldn't think about it as him being better than you.   I would think of it as her finding someone who may be more on the same emotional page as she is.   Your ego is a bit bruised from her rejecting you but I think you know deep down, you two weren't going to work out if this was the ultimate result.   

 

For starters, throwing around L bombs, 1 month in really means nothing so I would not take it seriously.  I've been L bombed by people who left me months later..in one case, 2 weeks later.  What she was feeling was infatuation, passion, lust..all part of that that initial phase in a relationship when everything is new and exciting.   Love is something that built over time from good and bad experiences shared together as these experiences teach you about eachother.   They teach you how the person is at their worst.   They teach about the other's habits and patterns.  They teach you about how loyal they are, how committed they are, how serious they are.    The more you experiences you two get through, the more respect, trust and loyalty you earn from them and also feel in return.   Love is slowly accumulated and with that love, you're able to forgive, understand, show compassion, be patient with that person during times when they're not so lovable.  

 

So it's perfectly reasonable for you to need time to understand how you feel.  If she wasn't willing to wait, that's fine for her, but that's not okay for you.  If you feel like you should have figured out how you felt or you feel some kind of guilt or regret..don't.  It's not your fault.  I'm sure you cared for her and felt something but level of emotion she was demanding from you was something that can only be built on time.  As you see now, her "I love you" doesn't really amount to much if she bounced after 4 months.   Like I said, part of what embodies love is understanding and patience and there wasn't enough love there to sustain her presence.    The fact that she's with someone else now just meant wasn't as perfect as your mind is telling you she was...and things really weren't going to work out.

 

Hope that helped. 

 

- Beach

 

Edited December 18, 2019 by Beachead

[ejewels]

Thanks Beach, that was nice. I guess my question is... is it wrong to think if she still had feelings for me or thought I was better than the guy she currently is seeing that she would leave him and go back with me? They didn't start dating until a few months after we split.

 

And to be more clear... she really wanted things to work with us. I was the one who didn't at the time. She tried really hard for it to work but essentially gave up after 5 months. I don't blame her. She wanted to have a child as she's getting older and was set on finding the final one to settle down with. But she used to tell me how I was better than anyone she's dated and how "real" it all was. When I said we had a strong connection, I meant it. It was a new level for both of us at the time. Which is probably why I still hold it high up in my head.

Edited December 18, 2019 by ejewels

[alphamale]

if she had feelings for you then she would be with you...good riddance I say

 

plus, Beachead's post above is superb

[ejewels]

1 minute ago, alphamale said:

if she had feelings for you then she would be with you...good riddance I say

 

plus, Beachead's post above is superb

It was a good post. Thanks for all the replies so far. Not sure I agree though. She met someone new after 5 months. Because she instantly didn't come back to me it means she has no feelings? Its only been 2 days since I reached out and she responded. 

[Beachead]

@ejewels

 

So long as you don't act on those feelings by doing things to sabotage her new relationship or her life, it's perfectly fine.  It's not wrong to feel that way. It's how you feel and its quite common and normal.  You got to know her and spent time with her and invested yourself to a certain degree and with that came a connection.  The time which you shared with her was important to you and you cared about it. 

 

She might think otherwise about how you felt but only because she's thinking about herself and her needs.   No one can blame her and its understandable she was concerned about getting older and wanting a child..but that only covers her side of the story which is a problem because a relationship involves two people.  It's not just about her needs..it's about yours.   And you needed some time.   Her wanting a child unfortunately doesn't change that.  She still needs to respect your needs as well.  If she valued what she had with you, she'd be okay with compromising.  People who are in it for the longterm, work with you.  They focus on the good.  They look for solutions because they see a future.  Because they see a future, there is forward momentum.   And with you two..you were together starting something beautiful, affectionate with one another (I'm assuming) and having good times together (I'm assuming), and for the time being of 5 months (Which isn't that long and still relatively fresh), those good times should have been appreciated and valued instead of all this focus on what she wasn't getting from the relationship.   Time to get to know one another is really a small price to pay when it comes to bringing a child into healthy family structure.  Imagine if both of you discovered a side of eachother that caused incompatibility issues..only now there's a child in the picture.  It gets complicated and ugly and puts that kid through stress.   

 

So at the time you two met and got to know one another, that time was what you needed.  There was no other version of you that you would have been okay rushing through things.  You were your best self and you gave it your best and she just wasn't down with that.  That's her choice.  You let her live with it.  All in all, it was just a situation that was not meant to be.  Will that change in the future?  Who knows.  But for now,  I would assume she's gone and never coming back and proceed on with your life.  You'll grieve or a little while but you'll be okay.

 

- Beach

Edited December 18, 2019 by Beachead

[ejewels]

Well thats the thing. I didn't give it my all. I wish I did though

 

Thanks guys.

[Beachead]

@ejewels

 

You did man.  You just feel a bit of regret and guilt and have been wounded in your heart because she jumped to someone else so quickly.  If anything..if she cared so much for you, she certainly didn't have a hard time putting you in the past.  Something to think about. 

 

Going back to you.  You have to remember, who you were in the past, is all you could be at that point.  There is no version of you other than that version, that you could have been because that's who you were at that time.   You didn't know what you know now.   You didn't physically abuse her.  You didn't cheat on her.  You were just cautious as you should be.  There are a lot of messed up people out there in the world looking to take a healthy, happy heart and use and abuse the hell out of it.  You were kind and gentle to yourself.  You look back at that time and feel bad for your inactions but ultimately, its those things that will make you better for the future.   Nothing is a loss.    You were that way for a reason.  All your wisdom, knowledge and experience made you that way at that time.  I really hope that sinks in.

 

- Beach

Edited December 18, 2019 by Beachead

[ejewels]

Hello LoveShack Ladies!

 

Question for you. If you broke up with a guy you really loved because he was just not emotionally there anymore and you were arguing a lot.... and he came back 5 months later and you are seeing someone new... Would you break off that current relationship and go back? Regardless if the new guy is better or worse than your ex... would you eventually go back? Or would you be done with it no matter what?

 

I reached out to my ex after 5 months in this situation and she said she was seeing someone but was nice to hear from me. I'm struggling as to how to process this. If I was better and she missed me would she have given me a different response? Would she still move on even if she didn't feel as strongly for the new guy or didn't think he was "as good"... but maybe was happier overall? Just looking for some female input on this kind of stuff.

 

tl;dr Would you ever go back to an ex that ultimately let you down since you loved them... regardless of if your current person is better or worse than your ex?

[alphamale]

^^this

[ejewels]

Just now, Beachead said:

@ejewels

 

You did man.  You just feel a bit of regret and guilt and a little bit of blow to your heart because she jumped to someone else so quickly.  You have to remember, who you were in the past, is all you could be at that point.  There is no version of you other than that version, that you could have been because that's who you were at that time.   You didn't know what you know now.   You didn't physically abuse her.  You didn't cheat on her.  You were just cautious as you should be.  There are a lot of messed up people out there in the world looking to take a healthy, happy heart and use and abuse the hell out of it.  You were kind and gentle to yourself.  You look back at that time and feel bad for your inactions but ultimately, its those things that will make you better for the future.   Nothing is a loss.    You were that way for a reason.  All your wisdom, knowledge and experience made you that way at that time.  I really hope that sinks in.

 

- Beach

Thanks dude. You're right and I was already moving on. I've dated since too. Just haven't found that connection yet. Out of curiosity though, we only dated for 5 months. She moved on about 3 months after. You think thats really quick? I thought the rule of thumb was always half the time of the relationship to move on  

[alphamale]

2 minutes ago, ejewels said:

Thanks dude. You're right and I was already moving on. I've dated since too. Just haven't found that connection yet. Out of curiosity though, we only dated for 5 months. She moved on about 3 months after. You think thats really quick? I thought the rule of thumb was always half the time of the relationship to move on  

many times they are with someone else BEFORE they break up with you

[ejewels]

7 minutes ago, alphamale said:

many times they are with someone else BEFORE they break up with you

True, but I know thats not the case. A month later we talked and she wasn't seeing anyone and we almost got back together. We just got into another argument and didn't end up meeting. Then 4 months after she told me she's seeing someone. I'm 99% sure they started dating mid October. We ended in July.

 

I'm getting some sense from these replies that I was giving out the vibe that I was some "nice guy" and got taken for granted for some reason. If anything, it was the opposite. She is a nice girl who wanted to eventually have a kid, move in, etc with me. She REALLY loved me and chased me the entire relationship. It wasn't until the end with the bad fighting, me pulling away that she finally ended it. I didn't even care at the time and was happy about it. So I highly doubt another dude was in the picture. She just isn't like that and usually that only happens if the girl was tapped out long before the end. Unless she's a raging ho, of course lol.

 

EDIT: sorry alphamale... I realize you weren't implying she did that... you were just making a general statement about some women. Apologies.

Edited December 18, 2019 by ejewels

[alphamale]

5 minutes ago, ejewels said:

True, but I know thats not the case. A month later we talked and she wasn't seeing anyone and we almost got back together. We just got into another argument and didn't end up meeting. Then 4 months after she told me she's seeing someone. I'm 99% sure they started dating mid October. We ended in July.

 

I'm getting some sense from these replies that I was giving out the vibe that I was some "nice guy" and got taken for granted for some reason. If anything, it was the opposite. She is a nice girl who wanted to eventually have a kid, move in, etc with me. She REALLY loved me and chased me the entire relationship. It wasn't until the end with the bad fighting, me pulling away that she finally ended it. I didn't even care at the time and was happy about it. So I highly doubt another dude was in the picture. She just isn't like that and usually that only happens if the girl was tapped out long before the end. Unless she's a raging ho, of course lol.

 

EDIT: sorry alphamale... I realize you weren't implying she did that... you were just making a general statement about some women. Apologies.

she wanted to start a family and you did not realize that her biological clock was ticking very loudly because she was 36.  you came off as non serious so she left you to find someone who she can start a family with.  her window to have kids is about to close and she cannot waste time with guys who are not on the same page as she is

[Beachead]

Quote

She REALLY loved me and chased me the entire relationship.

 

I don't doubt she chased you but I'd exclude the word "Love" out of there.  That initial heat you felt was just passion and infatuation.    She liked you for whom she thought you were or whom she wanted you to be and expected your words, actions and choices to be consistent with that version she had in her head.  When you didn't deliver, she was brought down to reality and realized she wasn't into it.   So she left.   

 

Regarding your other question,  I've heard that rule of thumb but I know many situations that just don't follow it, including my own experiences.  The time it takes for someone to get over an ex really depends quite a few factors;  the strength of that connection, the duration of the relationship, the individual, their life and the way they deal with their problems(Stemming from past experiences); whether they were dumped, did the dumping and the reasons for dumping if they did so.   ..and probably a lot more factors.

Edited December 18, 2019 by Beachead

[ejewels]

16 minutes ago, Beachead said:

 

I don't doubt she chased you but I'd exclude the word "Love" out of there.  That initial heat you felt was just passion and infatuation.    She liked you for whom she thought you were or whom she wanted you to be and expected your words, actions and choices to be consistent with that version she had in her head.  When you didn't deliver, she was brought down to reality and realized she wasn't into it.   So she left.   

 

Regarding your other question,  I've heard that rule of thumb but I know many situations that just don't follow it, including my own experiences.  The time it takes for someone to get over an ex really depends quite a few factors;  the strength of that connection, the duration of the relationship, the individual, their life and the way they deal with their problems(Stemming from past experiences); whether they were dumped, did the dumping and the reasons for dumping if they did so.   ..and probably a lot more factors.

Thanks Beachead. So then its not quick necessarily, since it all depends. And since she wasn't into it anymore and sick of it... I could see it being easy to move on a tad quicker since her biological clock was ticking too. Towards the end she'd even tell me "i'm not getting any younger" in terms of us continuing.

[ejewels]

29 minutes ago, alphamale said:

she wanted to start a family and you did not realize that her biological clock was ticking very loudly because she was 36.  you came off as non serious so she left you to find someone who she can start a family with.  her window to have kids is about to close and she cannot waste time with guys who are not on the same page as she is

Yes, this is pretty on par. She was fed up and i didn't give her the love like I did in the beginning.

[ejewels]

Thanks for all the help guys. Deep down, I know if she came back right now I'd eventually see the flaws and pull away like I did originally. I tend to only remember the good and the beginning. So I've been trying to remind myself each time WHY I pulled away. I think I'm just lonely right now and knowing she found someone new just makes it harder. Almost like she "won". But the reality is I ultimately didn't want to be with her and if I did, we would have been together. I suffer from NPD a little and I think its rearing its ugly head here too. 

 

Only a narcissist would think "well if she's not instantly running back to me and leaving her new guy, it must mean she thinks he's better". Instead of realizing she probably just found a new person who loves her and she loves him. Simple as that. Doesn't necessarily mean he's better, right? But the NPD brain doesn't take it like that.

Edited December 18, 2019 by ejewels

[alphamale]

24 minutes ago, ejewels said:

 Almost like she "won".

she did win

[ejewels]

29 minutes ago, alphamale said:

she did win

LOL OK?

[ejewels]

4 hours ago, ejewels said:

Thanks Beachead. So then its not quick necessarily, since it all depends. And since she wasn't into it anymore and sick of it... I could see it being easy to move on a tad quicker since her biological clock was ticking too. Towards the end she'd even tell me "i'm not getting any younger" in terms of us continuing.

 

4 hours ago, Beachead said:

Regarding your other question,  I've heard that rule of thumb but I know many situations that just don't follow it, including my own experiences.  The time it takes for someone to get over an ex really depends quite a few factors;  the strength of that connection, the duration of the relationship, the individual, their life and the way they deal with their problems(Stemming from past experiences); whether they were dumped, did the dumping and the reasons for dumping if they did so.   ..and probably a lot more factors.

I should have said... I think 2-3 months in my situation definitely isn't moving on fast for her. If we dated for a couple years it would be. But I remind myself we only dated for 5 months and 4 of those kept diminishing when i pulled away. 

[ejewels]

Also, I never got this answered. If she's not instantly trying to come back or hang out with me does that mean she thinks her new guy is better? Or is this flawed thinking? Knowing what I know of her, she's looking for a stable guy to have a family with but she would never settle. So maybe "better" to her would really just be someone more on her emotional level and that gives her that. Also, regardless of being better than me or not, I wonder if she'd come back either way. I know some women make a decision and thats it.

[Beachead]

@ejewels

 

People usually do their getting over others in the relationship itself.  By the time she ended with you, she was largely done.  She probably attempted to give it another chance the last time you spoke but ultimately realized she didn't want anything.  I wouldn't analyze her responding to you so quickly.  All you need to pay attention to is that she met someone else and chose to move on with her life.  Her choice.  I

 

This quote right here sums her main interest in you.

 

Quote

"i'm not getting any younger" 

 

When all her patience wore thin, the truth came out.   Because of her needs, she saw you more as a sperm donor than a partner she should grow old with.    That quote really shows it.  You don't want to be with someone who's going to push you like that.  

 

Quote

Deep down, I know if she came back right now I'd eventually see the flaws and pull away like I did originally. I tend to only remember the good and the beginning. So I've been trying to remind myself each time WHY I pulled away. I think I'm just lonely right now and knowing she found someone new just makes it harder. Almost like she "won". But the reality is I ultimately didn't want to be with her and if I did, we would have been together..

 

Just keep reminding yourself of that when you slip into weak thoughts.  You two wouldn't have worked out.  You both wanted different things and were ultimately incompatible.

 

Quote

If she's not instantly trying to come back or hang out with me does that mean she thinks her new guy is better?

 

Again, I wouldn't think of it as this new guy is "better" but that he's simple more suitable for what she's looking for.  You fundamentally wanted something else and to be what she wants, you'd therefore have to fake it.  That would be insincere to her and to yourself and eventually the charade will tire you'll return to yourself.  When she realizes, you're not who you pretended to be, then you two would break up.  So its better it happened now, rather than later.    Going back to her, whether she does or doesn't move on, is up to her and its out of your control.  You don't want to wait on maybe's.  One must continue to proceed along life and move passed the pain in order to heal from it and be mentally/emotionally ready for someone new or the return of someone from the past.  It seemed you weren't all that sure about wanting her anyway, so its likely best for both you and her that she tried someone new.

 

- Beach

Edited December 19, 2019 by Beachead

[ejewels]

18 minutes ago, Beachead said:

@ejewels

 

People usually do their getting over others in the relationship itself.  By the time she ended with you, she was largely done.  She probably attempted to give it another chance the last time you spoke but ultimately realized she didn't want anything.  I wouldn't analyze her responding to you so quickly.  All you need to pay attention to is that she met someone else and chose to move on with her life.  Her choice.  I

 

This quote right here sums her main interest in you.

 

 

When all her patience wore thin, the truth came out.   Because of her needs, she saw you more as a sperm donor than a partner she should grow old with.    That quote really shows it.  You don't want to be with someone who's going to push you like that.  

 

 

Just keep reminding yourself of that when you slip into weak thoughts.  You two wouldn't have worked out.  You both wanted different things and were ultimately incompatible.

 

 

Again, I wouldn't think of it as this new guy is "better" but that he's simple more suitable for what she's looking for.  You fundamentally wanted something else and to be what she wants, you'd therefore have to fake it.  That would be insincere to her and to yourself and eventually the charade will tire you'll return to yourself.  When she realizes, you're not who you pretended to be, then you two would break up.  So its better it happened now, rather than later.    Going back to her, whether she does or doesn't move on, is up to her and its out of your control.  You don't want to wait on maybe's.  One must continue to proceed along life and move passed the pain in order to heal from it and be mentally/emotionally ready for someone new or the return of someone from the past.  It seemed you weren't all that sure about wanting her anyway, so its likely best for both you and her that she tried someone new.

 

- Beach

Thanks man for all of the help. I know its the internet and we try and read things so I get that some stuff I say is taken wrong. She was a good girl. Definitely didn't see me as just a sperm donor. She said in the beginning she'd rather be single and do things artificially than settle for a guy to have a kid with. I made sure of all that when we started dating. She was the real deal. Authentic woman that wanted to make sure we were a match number one and kids would be second. 

 

Like you said though, I didn't want it at the time and i need to remind myself of that. I've started thinking of all the reasons why I got turned off and that helps. Thanks again. I just need to meet someone new as i'm in a dry spell.