Is she happier or is the person she's seeing now "better" than me?

[ejewels]

38 minutes ago, Beachead said:

@ejewels

 

I should have clarified in that last post that I let go of that old assumption that she wasn't as interested, and that I was assuming she was actually interested but you weren't.   So based on that,  this is what I say: 

 

You had her best efforts but what she brought to the table didn't interest you back then.  You kept her around because her attention made you feel confident and attractive and validated but beyond that, you weren't in it for the long haul.  You used the energy she gave you to go out and search for someone else and if you had found someone else, you'd have gone for it.  She picked up on that, and being a woman who had self-respect, she figured she deserved better than that, and walked away.  It wasn't easy.  She really liked you and it was hard to leave and she likely doubted that she did the right thing.   Hence, she was willing to give you a second chance, but upon that second chance, you must have done something or said something that reminded her that she was wasting her time.  It pissed her off, you fought.  She decided she was done.  Took her power back in the process.  You lost your safety net and things haven't been working out too well with the dating scene since, so now all that confidence and validation is gone. You feel low and vulnerable and doubt if yourself and from that emotional place, you feel like you want her back.  Your mind goes back to a time when you felt loved and cared for and you fool yourself into thinking it was better than it was; all stemming from your own fears and insecurities about yourself and your life at the moment.   Now, you want her for the attention because it quiets those unsettling emotions and thoughts.   Doesn't really have much to do with feelings.  If you were really interested, you'd have put the work in and wholeheartedly committed.   You weren't in it for the long haul and she did the right thing and you know that.

 

- Beach

Wow this post really spoke to me. I teared up reading it as its so on-point. I will say, when she was giving me the love and validation as it did give me confidence, I never once tried to score other girls. I was always devoted to her even though I might have made her feel insecure about it sometimes. Always felt bad for pulling away... so no, I never made her feel that she was plan b or that I was actively looking for someone else. It was more the lack of emotions and the arguments that got worse and worse. She literally told me she needs some reminders that I care and if I can't give her the emotions that I pulled away from her earlier on that this wasn't gonna work anymore. That was 2 weeks before we split. I basically made her lose attraction for me and all hope. But either way, your general consensus is on point.

[alphamale]

1 hour ago, ejewels said:

... its making me realize things.

like what?

[ejewels]

12 minutes ago, alphamale said:

like what?

Mostly that I'm attaching my lack of validation/affection and love right now to HER. When its not really about her anymore. As beachead said, I would have never let her go or pulled away if I was truly in love with her. I'd accept all of her flaws at the time, which I didn't. And its like what do I expect from her? I changed in her eyes the minute I pulled away and I'm mad she didn't stick around and lost attraction to me? Yes girls like a chase and what not, but after a while she realized I just wasn't emotionally there and wants to have a life with someone, being 37yrs old now.

 

I'm just lonely and have been having no luck dating, when I've always had good luck with it. And I've been on quite a few dates since August. Had a few hookups, but no connection. I truly seek that connection again and I'm just very exhausted looking for it, date after date. Last night I had a date where I thought we were connecting, until she rejected my kiss and said she didn't see it going somewhere. I NEVER even had that happen to me before. I still compare dates to her, and that connection I once had. All the while she's found that connection with someone else. Granted I don't know that, but she found some connection at least.

Edited December 23, 2019 by ejewels

[assertives]

If you are going into dates comparing them to someone else, then you are likely not ready to date. These people can sense it if you are not that into them. Perhaps take some time off and work on yourself and figure out what is it that you are looking for, or want in a partner. Whether you are looking for something casual or long-term.

 

The vibe I'm getting in your posts is that you are not looking for something long-term, you are just in it to have some fun. Nothing wrong with that as long as you are upfront about it. But if you are looking for something long-term, it would be good to work out what qualities you want in a long-term relationship, and perhaps be abit more intentional in your approach to dating. Just like she was in hers. She had a goal she was working towards to.

[Beachead]

2 hours ago, ejewels said:

...I was always devoted to her even though I might have made her feel insecure about it sometimes. Always felt bad for pulling away... so no, I never made her feel that she was plan b or that I was actively looking for someone else. It was more the lack of emotions and the arguments that got worse and worse. She literally told me she needs some reminders that I care and if I can't give her the emotions that I pulled away from her earlier on that this wasn't gonna work anymore. 

 

That might be how you interpreted the sequence of events that lead to the end, but you can't speak for how she saw it and what she felt from it.   She might have actually felt like she was a plan b in addition to feeling like you were emotionally unavailable.  When a person is not sure about what they want,  their partner can feel that in their behaviour, body language, the way they speak, carry themselves around their partner, and the things they do or don't do etc.    If that person's experienced enough, they'll know when their partner's heart isn't in it.   She knew, which is why she's not here now.  

 

Take a break from dating.  You are grieving and in-process of sorting thoughts and feelings out.  1 month, 5 months or 1 year.. doesn't matter how much time has passed..we all get to this point when we get to it and you're arrived at it now.   So you need time to yourself.  You are admitting to comparing her to your current dates, which means you're not ready to date.  You will be, but not right now.  You need time.  Having the responsibility of someone else's feelings in your hands while you are trying to sort out yours will only complicate your life by drowning out your ability to listen to what you really feel and need from life and from a partner.  Time alone will quiet the noise and allow you to figure yourself out and then, make the right decisions for you.

 

- Beach

 

 

Edited December 23, 2019 by Beachead

[ejewels]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to help. Beats paying for therapy!

 

at the end of the day, meeting her was the first time I felt a true connection with someone in a while. After a few weeks I started seeing / learning flaws that I couldn’t get over even though I tried since the connection was strong initially. I pulled away slowly and she felt it as it was a source of arguments and frustrations. As early as May even, she started threatening leaving if I didn’t return to the guy she fell for. Said she completely opened her heart for me and I took it away just like that. 
 

So I get it and need to move on and live with the choices I made. And the final choice she made.

[preraph]

When you first hit it off with someone, you're falling for surface stuff and some personality but you're still letting it in with your imagination using your ideal person in your head and crediting them with things you don't know yet. She likes the old you because that was the person that she was still attributing qualities to from her ideal man in her head. 

 

The longer you know someone the better you know them. And sometimes you just hit the wall and realize there are deal breakers.

[IndigoNight]

On 12/18/2019 at 7:33 PM, ejewels said:

Also, I never got this answered. If she's not instantly trying to come back or hang out with me does that mean she thinks her new guy is better? Or is this flawed thinking? Knowing what I know of her, she's looking for a stable guy to have a family with but she would never settle. So maybe "better" to her would really just be someone more on her emotional level and that gives her that. Also, regardless of being better than me or not, I wonder if she'd come back either way. I know some women make a decision and thats it.

Why do you even care? You made yourself emotionally unavailable to her, and your relationship ended. Why she is with her current man is none of your business, and it really shouldn't matter. You moved on, and so did she. "Is he better than me?" is your own insecurities coming to the surface. Once you end a relationship with someone they are free to live their life however they see fit, as are you. Expecting her to jump at the chance to date you again is your own ego believing that no matter what you did in the past, she should still want you more than anyone else. Why? Is she a masochist? Why would she even entertain the idea of returning to you after you hurt her so profoundly? Based on her rejection of you, she didn't.

Stop concerning yourself with thoughts of her love life. It's none of your business, and you don't know what the truth is; only the thoughts you are feeding yourself. That chapter in your life has closed, and you should just move on with your life. Dwelling on your ex, and her new man, is pointless, and serves no real purpose. Most people aren't in a hurry to return to someone who has hurt them deeply. If a man had rejected me emotionally in the past, the chances of my wanting to date him again are zero. She'd have to be a glutton for punishment to get back together with you after spending months chasing you, only to be shut out and rejected emotionally. She moved on. It was the right thing to do. You should consider doing the same.

[preraph]

Doesn't matter.  You weren't the right one for her, and doesn't really matter if this one will be or not.  

[isolatedgothic]

As a female, I'll give you my opinion. I think she felt a strong connection with you. I think she wanted the type of relationship you were not willing or ready or able to give at that time. Have YOU changed? If she came back tomorrow and said, "Let's try again," would you be able to give her what she wants, ultimately, I guess that would be marriage/children? Are you ready for that? If you are not, then please do your best to move forward. If you cannot honestly look at yourself in the mirror and say, "If she came back tomorrow, I'd be ready to move the relationship to the place where she wants it," then walk away. Leave her alone. She deserves to find someone who shares her values.

If you will give her what she wants, and if you want it as much as she does, then hang in there. Most relationships don't last forever. Wait it out. You planted the seed. You apologized and let her know you were still interested in her. My guess is this relationship probably won't work out, and in time, if you're patient, she will return. However, you better not let her go this time. No cold feet. If you really want her, you're going to have to match your values with hers. You can't get her back, then go back to your old ways. Call me an old fashioned romantic, but I think she will eventually be back.

[preraph]

She likes him better than you or she would have giving you another shot. 

[ejewels]

On 2/19/2020 at 10:19 PM, preraph said:

She likes him better than you or she would have giving you another shot. 

LOL yeah OK. After more thought and getting over all of this I'm thinking a lot clearer now. It doesn't mean she likes him better. Who is to say she would have gotten back together with me if she was still single? I don't think she would have since I turned her off so much. So in other words, any guy that treats her better she would like better. Thats pretty obvious.

Edited March 11, 2020 by ejewels

[Sinful]

This almost sounds like a case of wanting what you can't have. You didn't want her before, now that she's moved on and you can't have her she becomes more attractive to you. I'd stop dwelling on her and move on, too many other women out there.