Is she happier or is the person she's seeing now "better" than me?

[Beachead]

@ejewels

 

Np friend.   I know what I'm saying comes off a bit harsh and I apologize for it.  Just trying to keep your mind grounded so you don't get lost in the guilt or your emotions.  Just remember, its nobody's fault here really, going by all that you've written here.  You two were just incompatible.

 

In cases like this, focusing on her good qualities might make it hard for you to get passed your grief.  What may help you is to brainstorm the negatives and write it down.  As you've been doing, really think about what made you behave as you did.   Reread the list over and over against to reinforce why the relationship ended.   You may feel guilt for the way you treated her but ultimately your actions are a reflection of how you feel deep down.  If those actions were hot and cold with her, its because that's where you mind is at.   There's a reason for it.   

 

Best of luck and stay strong

 

- Beach

Edited December 19, 2019 by Beachead

[assertives]

Actually, yes. The new guy is "better" than you. Because at the end of the day, it all boils down to both wanting the same thing and with each other. While you on the other hand spent months pulling away and pretty much showing her how you are not that into her. You even stated you went on to date abit and pretty much moved on. She was plan b to you. I don't understand why you would expect her to come running to you. She has moved on like you did too. 

 

Some people are just practical, no point wasting anymore time pining for someone who's moved on to date others and clearly wasn't as invested as they were. Especially since it was only a short stint. The "better" guy is the person you can actually have and build a proper future with. I would say her telling you that she's now "spoken for" was actually being respectful of her new boyfriend and relationship, but still wanted to be polite to respond to your message. Don't spend too much time ruminating about this. You know you do not want her, so let it go. Continue to move on and find someone better suited for you.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

It sounds like you went out into the world, couldn't find anyone else compatible, so now you're thinking back to how well you had it with her and you want her back. Good for her for not ditching the new person and coming back. I wouldn't want to be someone's back-up plan, either.

[ejewels]

3 hours ago, assertives said:

Actually, yes. The new guy is "better" than you. Because at the end of the day, it all boils down to both wanting the same thing and with each other. While you on the other hand spent months pulling away and pretty much showing her how you are not that into her. You even stated you went on to date abit and pretty much moved on. She was plan b to you. I don't understand why you would expect her to come running to you. She has moved on like you did too. 

 

Some people are just practical, no point wasting anymore time pining for someone who's moved on to date others and clearly wasn't as invested as they were. Especially since it was only a short stint. The "better" guy is the person you can actually have and build a proper future with. I would say her telling you that she's now "spoken for" was actually being respectful of her new boyfriend and relationship, but still wanted to be polite to respond to your message. Don't spend too much time ruminating about this. You know you do not want her, so let it go. Continue to move on and find someone better suited for you.

Why is he better? You mean just because he treats her better? We know nothing of him or her actual situation. Also, my girl friends said sometimes women will just say they are spoken for as well. But she is a practical straight shooting girl so I told them I believe she found someone. It has been 5 months after all. I'm good with it. Just miss the good but as one poster suggested I wrote a list out of all the bad to remind me. I just need to find someone else.

Edited December 19, 2019 by ejewels

[ejewels]

2 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

It sounds like you went out into the world, couldn't find anyone else compatible, so now you're thinking back to how well you had it with her and you want her back. Good for her for not ditching the new person and coming back. I wouldn't want to be someone's back-up plan, either.

You're right to a point. Sometimes people make mistakes. She wasn't a plan b as I never treated her that bad. I just wasn't emotionally there and she ended it ultimately because of that. She's 37 now and verbally expressed she wanted a mentally healthy man that she can start a family with. My heart did love her and I know she felt the same at one point so figured I'd try. But as someone else said, she is practical and I pretty much turned her off towards the end so didn't really keep her hopeful.

Edited December 19, 2019 by ejewels

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Being emotionally cold and/or not present IS treating someone very badly. 

Edited December 19, 2019 by GeorgiaPeach1

[ejewels]

1 hour ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Being emotionally cold and/or not present IS treating someone very badly. 

We still had fun though. I just couldn't say the L word or give her emotions. But it wasn't a bad or abusive relationship or anything. I just got comfortable. Too comfortable.

[alphamale]

25 minutes ago, ejewels said:

We still had fun though. I just couldn't say the L word or give her emotions. But it wasn't a bad or abusive relationship or anything. I just got comfortable. Too comfortable.

fair enough

[assertives]

19 hours ago, ejewels said:

Why is he better? You mean just because he treats her better? We know nothing of him or her actual situation. Also, my girl friends said sometimes women will just say they are spoken for as well. But she is a practical straight shooting girl so I told them I believe she found someone. It has been 5 months after all. I'm good with it. Just miss the good but as one poster suggested I wrote a list out of all the bad to remind me. I just need to find someone else.

 

True that we don't know if he treats her better, but she has obviously decided that whatever he has to offer in terms of emotional availability and relationship goals is better than the months of chasing a relationship with someone who is emotionally distant/unavailable and she's constantly fighting with in such a short duration. By your own admission, you don't want her and I'm sure she knows that. You've said she's a good girl looking for someone to settle down and start a family with. So any guy who actually wants the same things as her with her and she can actually see a long term future with would frankly be "better" than someone who didn't have the same goals or want her. 

Edited December 20, 2019 by assertives

[ejewels]

Thanks everyone. I feel I made it out to sound as if she was a plan b but that was never the case. I just stayed in it being hopeful I would change my mind and love her.

 

i think I’m a little curious as a few people has suggested I was rejected. 5 months later, I ask if she wants to hang out and she said she was seeing someone and that was it. 
 

was I really rejected though? Do some people just not want to go back to an ex regardless of their current situation being better or happier? Because even if she was single... isn’t it possible she wouldn’t want to try again or get hurt? She broke it off with me after a lot of frustration towards the end. She’s a very strong girl, been hurt a lot in her past and really wants to have a child soon.

Edited December 20, 2019 by ejewels

[alphamale]

you have to move on ejewels, the chances of her coming back to you are slim to none

[Beachead]

@ejewels

Quote

was I really rejected though?

 

She has chosen to work on her current relationship instead of entertaining another run with you.  She knows she could have had another chance with you but she has chosen not to take it.  A person that sees a future with you will want to realize that future together.   But her decision is an indicator that she doesn't care about it nor seem to care about having you in her life anymore or atleast for the time being.  That's a choice and she has acted on it.  So yes, you were rejected but that's not important.  What's important is,  you can't do anything about it because it's out of your hands now.  If she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you.  No if, ands or buts about it.  

 

Quote

Do some people just not want to go back to an ex regardless of their current situation being better or happier? Because even if she was single... isn’t it possible she wouldn’t want to try again or get hurt? 

Some people do come back and some people don't.  Depends a lot more than just you or the other guy. 

 

1. It depends on the way they were raised and the problems and challenges they've had in life.   It depends on the way they choose to deal with their adversity and pain.  Does she bury it or does she deal with it in a healthy way? 

 

2. It depends on how much priority she places on her friends and family's opinions of her.  Does she really care about her image and how people think of her or no?  Does her needs outweigh what others think? 

 

3. It depends on the quality of relationships she's had in the past which all stem from who she is and how she chooses to deal with her problems and face her life.  These relationships can impact her in negative or positive ways.   

 

etc. etc. etc....

 

These are all external factors outside of you and your influence on her, that still have a profound impact on her decision to return to you or stay with him.  Plus, him and who he is as a person how they click together also affects her.  So taking all this into account, what you have is an answer to a question that depends on too many variables, is too conditional with too many maybes.  Anything we offer to you or anything you can come up with in your head will only be speculation or assumption at best.   Allowing yourself to think about it, will only lead you to such.  If you don't want to waste your own time, treat her decision with respect by assuming she knew what she wanted when she made it and assume she's gone.

 

- Beach

 

Edited December 20, 2019 by Beachead

[2BGoodAgain]

On 12/18/2019 at 2:38 PM, K.K. said:

I don’t mean to sound dismissive and I’m sorry for your pain but it sounds like to me that the universe was looking out for you. 

 

You were fighting at 4 months already. She was jealous of your ex and that would’ve came across in her interactions with your child. 

 

You didn’t show her emotions because deep down, you knew it wasn’t meant to be. 

 

You didn’t lose anything except a bit of pride. It’ll pass. 

 

Chin up. 

 

have to agree with KK....

 

you avoided a landmine with that one.

 

and though not always true, but kinda... if someone falls fast for you, a lot of times, they fall out fast too.

 

your ego may have taken a hit, b/c perhaps you thought after months of her chasing after you, you thought you had her in the bag (unconsciously)... but to find out later she moved on to another guy, does hit your self esteem, but in that case, you need to figure out why that brings you down so much...

 

I had a similar story like yours, but mine extended out 12 years.

 

lucky for you, all you took was a hit to the self esteem, but in the future if you wanna avoid such situations or drawn to such people b/c they give you the attention you crave... seek a therapist and figure this one out before it gets out of hand and you end up where i ended up 12 years later.

 

good luck to you.

[ejewels]

Thanks guys. Self esteem a little bit, but towards the end I don’t blame her for leaving. I think it’s more a hit to the ego if she left me when things were good.

 

what I meant by not really being rejected was it’s not like she was single and turned me down. She’s seeing someone and if she’s happy 5 months later all it really can be is a “I can’t” because she’s taken. Granted IDK what her answer would have been if single.

[ejewels]

37 minutes ago, ejewels said:

Thanks guys. Self esteem a little bit, but towards the end I don’t blame her for leaving. I think it’s more a hit to the ego if she left me when things were good.

 

what I meant by not really being rejected was it’s not like she was single and turned me down. She’s seeing someone and if she’s happy 5 months later all it really can be is a “I can’t” because she’s taken. Granted IDK what her answer would have been if single.

Also to add to this since its not letting me edit it...

 

If I was in her shoes and dumped someone because they weren't giving me what I needed emotionally and they didn't see a future with me... and then met someone new and was happy 4 months later... I would say the same thing. But I'd also think about it and if I wasn't that happy might start to get curious. But thats just me. 

 

This girl before me dealt with a guy with NPD and he treated her like crap. Pushing and pulling away of love constantly. When I had just met her she said "I can't believe this is all real and amazing, I'm not used to things working out for me"... and then told me how she was worried I'd leave/stray. So the fact she wants to start a life and have a child I would think if she found someone that wants that she'll stay with it even if her real love is with me.

 

But you guys are right, I think some of it is my ego. I don't mean to sound cocky or arrogant but with my job/looks/status you could say I am slightly out of her league so maybe its me being immature thinking of it like that. I guess I just thought she couldn't do better and I guess her not instantly coming back would mean she found someone better/or the same. I know thats not even accurate thinking, but I let it get the best of me. 

 

Finally, as someone said. Maybe since she fell hard for me early on and chased me for a lot of the RL, I just figured I "had" her. But towards the end and with breaking it off... she got so cold, so fast and its always messed with me. Like how could she get like that if she loved me so much. Was just a mind***** I guess.

[assertives]

Well, sounds like you guys are incompatible for the long term. She's looking for someone to commit to and start a family with as soon as possible. You've mentioned this in your posts a few times, but I'm not sure if you've mentioned anywhere if this is your goal too. Her actions reflects her goal, she is not wasting time and pining over a short fling that ended almost half a year ago. You on the other hand sounds like you are still shopping around, and are not willing to commit which is why you'd still be curious even if you are in a "happy" relationship. 

 

Also, (thankfully) attraction works differently for different people. And different people would find different things "attractive". Having a good social economic status and good looks does help, but ultimately probably does little to sustain a relationship. The way someone makes them feel, their personality, how they treat others around them, their beliefs and passion about something, having the same personal, life and emotional goals, how they bring out the best in one another, etc plays a larger role in attraction and sustaining a long term relationship. "Better" really is subjective, and probably applies differently to different people.

 

Lastly, she may indeed have loved you when you were together, but it doesn't mean she couldn't or wouldn't grow to love another person. She found a better fit for her, and has decided to commit and invest in their relationship instead of fantasizing about what could have happen with you. It's probably safe to say looks or social economic status isn't the most important to her in the grand scheme of things. Let it go, it probably isn't just about you.

Edited December 21, 2019 by assertives

[ejewels]

5 hours ago, assertives said:

Well, sounds like you guys are incompatible for the long term. She's looking for someone to commit to and start a family with as soon as possible. You've mentioned this in your posts a few times, but I'm not sure if you've mentioned anywhere if this is your goal too. Her actions reflects her goal, she is not wasting time and pining over a short fling that ended almost half a year ago. You on the other hand sounds like you are still shopping around, and are not willing to commit which is why you'd still be curious even if you are in a "happy" relationship. 

 

Also, (thankfully) attraction works differently for different people. And different people would find different things "attractive". Having a good social economic status and good looks does help, but ultimately probably does little to sustain a relationship. The way someone makes them feel, their personality, how they treat others around them, their beliefs and passion about something, having the same personal, life and emotional goals, how they bring out the best in one another, etc plays a larger role in attraction and sustaining a long term relationship. "Better" really is subjective, and probably applies differently to different people.

 

Lastly, she may indeed have loved you when you were together, but it doesn't mean she couldn't or wouldn't grow to love another person. She found a better fit for her, and has decided to commit and invest in their relationship instead of fantasizing about what could have happen with you. It's probably safe to say looks or social economic status isn't the most important to her in the grand scheme of things. Let it go, it probably isn't just about you.

Honestly thank you. I needed that. I woke up today saying "wtf am I doing still not fully over this". Wanna know why? Its because I haven't found a replacement yet. Just mindless dates I've been on with lackluster connections. Probably because I've been trying to find the very natural connection me and my ex had.

[preraph]

On 12/18/2019 at 9:33 PM, ejewels said:

Also, I never got this answered. If she's not instantly trying to come back or hang out with me does that mean she thinks her new guy is better? Or is this flawed thinking? Knowing what I know of her, she's looking for a stable guy to have a family with but she would never settle. So maybe "better" to her would really just be someone more on her emotional level and that gives her that. Also, regardless of being better than me or not, I wonder if she'd come back either way. I know some women make a decision and thats it.

That's YOU projecting.  I'm 67, and I've never compared men in the sense like this one is better than than one at all.  You have an ego problem and you are desperate for validation, desperate.  So on top of narcissism, you have very low self-esteem.  You cannot rely on others to support your ego and give you a fleeting feeling of self-esteem.  This is dangerous.  It's why some of these guys end up in a police standoff with SWAT outside trying to keep them from killing themselves and taking their ex and kids with them.  Because if you rely on someone else to prop up your self-esteem, when they leave, you fall into a pit.  So the way you're throwing around terminology I have to believe you've been in therapy.  Time to go back and address your dependent self-esteem.  

 

She has moved on because she decided it wasn't working with you.  And it wasn't. And you know it.  And you only want her back for ego gratification and validation.  She's moved on.  

[preraph]

On 12/18/2019 at 9:33 PM, ejewels said:

Also, I never got this answered. If she's not instantly trying to come back or hang out with me does that mean she thinks her new guy is better? Or is this flawed thinking? Knowing what I know of her, she's looking for a stable guy to have a family with but she would never settle. So maybe "better" to her would really just be someone more on her emotional level and that gives her that. Also, regardless of being better than me or not, I wonder if she'd come back either way. I know some women make a decision and thats it.

**You're right Alpha.  I misread something and needed to amend the narcissism part.  I misread thinking he said HE had NPD, but he was talking about the other guy.  Here's the amended version, sorry:

 

That's YOU projecting.  I'm 67, and I've never compared men in the sense like this one is better than than one at all.  You have an ego problem and you are desperate for validation, desperate.  You have very low self-esteem.  You cannot rely on others to support your ego and give you a fleeting feeling of self-esteem.  This is dangerous.  It's why some of these guys end up in a police standoff with SWAT outside trying to keep them from killing themselves and taking their ex and kids with them.  Because if you rely on someone else to prop up your self-esteem, when they leave, you fall into a pit.  So the way you're throwing around terminology I have to believe you've been in therapy.  Time to go back and address your dependent self-esteem.  

 

She has moved on because she decided it wasn't working with you.  And it wasn't. And you know it.  And you only want her back for ego gratification and validation.  She's moved on.  

Edited December 21, 2019 by preraph

[ejewels]

Thanks, and I've been thinking of therapy. I even have come to some of the same conclusions as you about myself as I do self help and inflection. I think I'm attaching the loss of having love and validation to HER at this point. When the reality is its not HER I truly love and miss. If I did, I wouldn't be here. Trauma attachment. I keep reminding myself that I was the one who pulled away first. Its just hard as it only seems like I can think of the positive when in this case I need to remind myself of the negative.

 

I came to this conclusion recently when I found myself reading texts and chats with her from almost a year ago at this point about her validating me and saying such nice things to me in the beginning and throughout the relationship. It almost makes me feel close to her or that reaffirms that she really did love me hard at one point. Weird stuff.

 

I guess I just never thought that someone that seemed to try and chase and make things work so hard was quick to end it after a few arguments and never looked back. I might be more obsessed with that part of it and feeling validated since I was so used to it, at this point. Than the actual girl or relationship.

Edited December 21, 2019 by ejewels

[Beachead]

@ejewels

Quote

I guess I just never thought that someone that seemed to try and chase and make things work so hard was quick to end it after a few arguments and never looked back. I might be more obsessed with that part of it and feeling validated since I was so used to it, at this point. Than the actual girl or relationship.

 

Earlier on when I told you, if this girl was really into you, she'd have stayed and worked on things, you defended her feelings and you  stated you weren't all that interested anyway.  Yet, you seem to be reminiscing and dwelling on her now that she's gone.   Why?  If you don't want her anyway, why does all this matter?  It's irrelevant. 

 

I don't think you want her.   You're just having a tough time finding a meaningful connection with someone.  So now your mind is going back to a time when someone showered you with attention and you're twisting the situation around in your head into something better than it was.  If it was was so good for you back then, you would have put the work in.  But according to you, you let it slide cause it wasn't for you but you liked the feeling of knowing someone was chasing you.  Made you feel validated and good.  Now that she's unavailable and the door is closed,  you realize you don't have an option to go back to her.  Your safety net is gone, and you feel vulnerable.  So now you're upset over it.

 

Do you see the contradictory, conflictive emotions and actions present? 

 

There's only one kind of person I know that follows that pattern and its one with a low-esteem.  Seems like Preraph came to the same conclusion.   Someone that requires the love and attention of another to validate their attractiveness and worth and because of that they enjoy being chased but when they have the person..they're no longer interested.  

 

For the moment, you seem to be confused about yourself; unsure of what you want and why you are doing what you're doing.   If you get into any kind of relationship with that confusion, you are going to damage yourself and the other person.  First you need to make sense of yourself so that you can understand what it is you're looking for.   

 

 

 

 

Edited December 22, 2019 by Beachead

[Berteau]

On 12/18/2019 at 6:14 PM, ejewels said:

Thanks for all the help guys. Deep down, I know if she came back right now I'd eventually see the flaws and pull away like I did originally. I tend to only remember the good and the beginning. So I've been trying to remind myself each time WHY I pulled away. I think I'm just lonely right now and knowing she found someone new just makes it harder. Almost like she "won". But the reality is I ultimately didn't want to be with her and if I did, we would have been together. I suffer from NPD a little and I think its rearing its ugly head here too. 

 

Only a narcissist would think "well if she's not instantly running back to me and leaving her new guy, it must mean she thinks he's better". Instead of realizing she probably just found a new person who loves her and she loves him. Simple as that. Doesn't necessarily mean he's better, right? But the NPD brain doesn't take it like that.

 

This is exactly what a lot of people go through.  This is what I went through.  It’s good that you realize this and understand it.

[ejewels]

22 hours ago, Beachead said:

@ejewels

 

Earlier on when I told you, if this girl was really into you, she'd have stayed and worked on things, you defended her feelings and you  stated you weren't all that interested anyway.  Yet, you seem to be reminiscing and dwelling on her now that she's gone.   Why?  If you don't want her anyway, why does all this matter?  It's irrelevant. 

 

I don't think you want her.   You're just having a tough time finding a meaningful connection with someone.  So now your mind is going back to a time when someone showered you with attention and you're twisting the situation around in your head into something better than it was.  If it was was so good for you back then, you would have put the work in.  But according to you, you let it slide cause it wasn't for you but you liked the feeling of knowing someone was chasing you.  Made you feel validated and good.  Now that she's unavailable and the door is closed,  you realize you don't have an option to go back to her.  Your safety net is gone, and you feel vulnerable.  So now you're upset over it.

 

Do you see the contradictory, conflictive emotions and actions present? 

 

There's only one kind of person I know that follows that pattern and its one with a low-esteem.  Seems like Preraph came to the same conclusion.   Someone that requires the love and attention of another to validate their attractiveness and worth and because of that they enjoy being chased but when they have the person..they're no longer interested.  

 

For the moment, you seem to be confused about yourself; unsure of what you want and why you are doing what you're doing.   If you get into any kind of relationship with that confusion, you are going to damage yourself and the other person.  First you need to make sense of yourself so that you can understand what it is you're looking for.   

 

 

 

 

You're exactly right. The only thing I notice you keep saying that is kind of contradictory is suggesting she wasn't really that into me. She WAS that into me for a lot of the relationship. She just is the kind of woman that makes a decision and sticks to it. I also totally turned her off with some actions towards the end. When she was breaking up with me she literally said "I just don't like the new ejewels, I fell in love with the old one and thats who I need".  Everything else though is spot on and thanks... its making me realize things.

[ejewels]

5 hours ago, Berteau said:

 

This is exactly what a lot of people go through.  This is what I went through.  It’s good that you realize this and understand it.

Yeah, its being able to realize its a false ego and dealing with it to get over it I guess. I have this weird thing where even though I had many chances and could have been with her I still take it as a rejection. My buddy at work is going through a bad divorce as his wife started cheating and told him she doesn't love him anymore. Nice, solid guy and is coping quite well. That is way more "rejection" than my story. And here I am lol.

[Beachead]

@ejewels

Quote

The only thing I notice you keep saying that is kind of contradictory is suggesting she wasn't really that into me. She WAS that into me for a lot of the relationship. 

 

I should have clarified in that last post that I let go of that old assumption that she wasn't as interested, and that I was assuming she was actually interested but you weren't.   So based on that,  this is what I say: 

 

You had her best efforts but what she brought to the table didn't interest you back then.  You kept her around because her attention made you feel confident and attractive and validated but beyond that, you weren't in it for the long haul.  You used the energy she gave you to go out and search for someone else and if you had found someone else, you'd have gone for it.  She picked up on that, and being a woman who had self-respect, she figured she deserved better than that, and walked away.  It wasn't easy.  She really liked you and it was hard to leave and she likely doubted that she did the right thing.   Hence, she was willing to give you a second chance, but upon that second chance, you must have done something or said something that reminded her that she was wasting her time.  It pissed her off, you fought.  She decided she was done.  Took her power back in the process.  You lost your safety net and things haven't been working out too well with the dating scene since, so now all that confidence and validation is gone. You feel low and vulnerable and doubt if yourself and from that emotional place, you feel like you want her back.  Your mind goes back to a time when you felt loved and cared for and you fool yourself into thinking it was better than it was; all stemming from your own fears and insecurities about yourself and your life at the moment.   Now, you want her for the attention because it quiets those unsettling emotions and thoughts.   Doesn't really have much to do with feelings.  If you were really interested, you'd have put the work in and wholeheartedly committed.   You weren't in it for the long haul and she did the right thing and you know that.

 

- Beach

Edited December 23, 2019 by Beachead