DunnoWatToDo Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 So it’s a pretty interesting story ,we met in July via Xbox of all places and we instantly clicked , we became friends and then after that things got tricky , she lives in Finland and I in the UK so obviously we thought we would only be friends but I’m dumb and fell in love with her because we have a lot of things in common , in November got me some time off work and flew there to meet , we sparked instantly in the airport , first night we had already made out and had sex and all that , we had an amazing time and it was really good for me as I’ve had My heart broken a couple of times and this time was the first time I felt like that for someone in a long time. Anyway after I left I felt really sad because I wanted to spend more time with her but oh well I knew I was going back there in no time , she wasn’t ready for commitment at the time and neither was I ( at least that’s what I told her to make her fell more comfortable, I know it’s not the best idea) and we are now in December , going to see her again in January but since I’ve been there we had some serious conversations that made my insecurities rise , she told me that she has feelings for me but that she also needs her freedom and that if it will happen for her to sleep with someone else I shouldn’t get upset because it’s just sex and nothing else , now I’m a jealous guy , not possessive jealous but I can’t imagine the woman I love with someone else in bed jealous , I told her I was willing to accept or at least try because I respect and love her but it’s really hard for me , I’m not very good at flirting due to a rough childhood even though looks aren’t the problem , I’m just not very confident with someone I don t really know therefore I can’t even imagine going out or having sex with someone else but her , I’m 21 yo so this seems stupid to most people that know me but I’m like that and I don’t know what to do , I’m tearing myself apart and I’m afraid that if I told her how much it actually hurts even the thought of it she would feel put in a cage and I would lose her , I guess that I’m having a hard time because my first time having sex was out of love and it stayed like that and now here I am , in love with a girl that is falling in love with me but who tells me that she might have sex with someone else if she feels the need to , obviously she said that once we are in a relationship that will not be the case anymore but even so I’m still torn inside by the current situation , keep on thinking I’m maybe not good enough and that as soon as she sleeps with someone else she will forget about me , I’m giving her space and all the freedom she wants , I support her in every way and am there whenever she needs me but without being to pushy. And I’m not sure what to do next so I came here for some advice , I know it was a long read but I had to explain it in detail so that you can understand why I’m having a hard time. Any advice is welcome as I am lost for now. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 You should not be moving there or giving up wherever you work now. She's not making ANY commitment to you and has gone so far as to let you know she WILL be seeing other guys. Visit back and forth a little, but don't waste a lot of money on it. These long distance things don't work out well usually. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DunnoWatToDo Posted December 19, 2019 Author Share Posted December 19, 2019 Thanks for your answer , she said she won’t be seeing them , as in dates and all that she just said that if at any point it might happen for her to sleep with someone and nothing after I shouldn’t feel bad , I mean I’m not going to move there and drop everything but I guess I’m just trying to find a way to make it work Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 (edited) You are already far more emotionally invested than she is, and she knows it. She is being clear that you and she are not on the same page in terms of your attachment to each other. OP, this isn't a very realistic proposition for a relationship. You live in different countries and inherently won't be able to see each other in person that often. It seems clear that she is attracted to you but does not want to limit herself to you and only you. She says she won't be going on dates but I would not count on her sticking to that. Real life has a way of overriding these long-distance, largely-online relationships. How old are you both, for reference? Do you both have jobs? Study? I would encourage you to really re-think investing your heart in this. The long-term prospects don't sound very good. Edited December 19, 2019 by ExpatInItaly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DunnoWatToDo Posted December 19, 2019 Author Share Posted December 19, 2019 Hi , thanks for you’re response we Both work for The time being and I m 21 and she is 20 , I guess I’m having a hard time letting go , I’ve never been much of a ladies man but most of the time because I don’t have to confidence to walk to a girl and say something , I am always like this when I fall for someone afraid to let go because I might not find someone else soon and I always felt like I needed someone due to a rough childhood , I used to have a friend who was like my lover but without the sex , just hugs and time spent with each other and then she wanted more and I didn’t because I thought that if we get together I’ll end up losing her and the fact I turned her down eventually made it that I lost her in the end , I’m a loner as it is anyway but when I get attached to someone it’s pure torture especially like this , I’m not possessive or a control freak , I’m not violent or anything but I guess that nice guys do always finish last ... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 This isn’t a case of nice guys finishing last. It’s a case of a nice guy getting himself into an untenable situation with circumstances not conducive to forming a committed relationship. You’re setting yourself up to be disappointed by trying to get involved in something so long-distance. You have to operate within more realistic parameters in dating if you hope to develop a viable relationship. Dating such a young woman who lives abroad isn’t the way to go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 18 minutes ago, DunnoWatToDo said: I guess that nice guys do always finish last ... This has nothing whatsoever to do with you being "nice", it is all about you deciding that a girl in Finland that you met online was the girl for you. That was unlikely to ever work and especially not when said girl wants to sleep with other guys... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: This has nothing whatsoever to do with you being "nice", it is all about you deciding that a girl in Finland that you met online was the girl for you. That was unlikely to ever work and especially not when said girl wants to sleep with other guys... Elaine's got a point... 1.5 red flags.... Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 I agree that it's not 'nice guys finish last'. Rather, this is about her being realistic of the situation you're in. And I'd take it further and suggest it will only be a matter of time till she meets a local boy anyway. Focus on establishing friend groups locally and meet a woman that way. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 Based on your last post about being afraid to let go because you feel you always need someone do to a rough childhood and then followed up near the bottom of the post that you are a loner and afraid to go up to women, I just wanted to bring to your attention that you have a basic conflict there that you need to work out. No one should ever feel like they must always have someone just because they had a bad childhood. The goal should be to be so self-contained and flexible that you can be happy on your own or with another person. Your need to feel that you have someone sounds like an abandonment issue. this will color and contaminate every relationship you have going forward if you don't go ahead and get into psychological counseling and work through it. You really can't be very successful with another person until you can live with yourself. So I suggest you start working on that through therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 On 12/20/2019 at 12:07 AM, DunnoWatToDo said: Thanks for your answer , she said she won’t be seeing them , as in dates and all that she just said that if at any point it might happen for her to sleep with someone and nothing after I shouldn’t feel bad , I mean I’m not going to move there and drop everything but I guess I’m just trying to find a way to make it work You want to make something work with a woman that will "just" ahhh, sleep with other people , and that some how rates a date higher than ahh, climbing into bed and ummm, "just" sleeping with someone , Jezuz , where do we begin. Why in Gods name are you even considering this bs rubbish, unless you wanna just sleep around too, then l suppose wth, whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
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