dramallama Posted December 21, 2019 Share Posted December 21, 2019 that's so disappointing when that happens isn't it - you've been crushing on them for ages but the kiss yeilds no spark - argh! Years ago I had a major crush for a few months on an actor who'd had some bit parts in huge films... he finally asked me out.... kissed me.... ugh, like snogging my auntie or something. Gutted 🤣 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 21, 2019 Share Posted December 21, 2019 That's too bad, because he sounds like a good guy. He didn't prey on you when you were vulnerable. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted December 21, 2019 Share Posted December 21, 2019 Actually, it might be that he WAS such a nice guy that you lost interest. Be honest with yourself - maybe you like/need more edginess in a guy. That of course comes with a higher likelihood that they will cheat and/or not be as committed as you would like. It also might mean you're not quite ready for the "responsibility" of being with a nice guy, you might not really be wanting a full on relationship. Or maybe I'm projecting my own issues 😉 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted January 4, 2020 Author Share Posted January 4, 2020 (edited) More a vent than anything.... I am still sort of seeing this guy. We’ve met up about 4 or 5 times and spent New Years Eve to together. He’s fun and I don’t dislike him. He’s alright. I think I’m just over dating in general. I like his dog, but I left his house early today because his Rottweiler was in bed with us and they both were snoring very loudly and I just wanted to be home surfing the web or playing video games. We’re set to meet tonight after he gets done bartending a wedding. He texted me “Miss you already” and calls his dog and me “his girls” and stuff that leads me to believe it’s too late to get out of this without another formal (and uncomfortable) goodbye. I just got done with one of those. Dating has been very uncomfortable for me. But I keep getting myself into these situations, one right after another, because I like to flirt with a person I find attractive, go out and have fun together, kiss and cuddle, etc etc and it has to progress, and next thing you know, you’re spending every night with them and forgotten who you are. It’s always this way unless you are okay with ONSs which are really not what I’m looking for. Not looking for casual sex. I just really want to be alone. Edited January 4, 2020 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 4, 2020 Share Posted January 4, 2020 Work on not repeating the patterns. There is a large area to play with between ONS and being together all the time. It might be too late for this current situation, but next time consciously choose to start out with just once or twice a week and stick to that schedule for a month or more. If things are going well then you can increase your time together. I know it doesn't sound fun or spontaneous, but since you keep running into this issue try a more conscious and controlled approach, at least to start. I like lots of time on my own, but at some point I do want to be in another committed relationship. Since you get into these relationships I'm guessing that might be your thing as well, you don't really want to "be alone" all the time. If you find the right guy (one that feels the same way about needing a little space) it won't be an either/or choice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gringoloco Posted January 4, 2020 Share Posted January 4, 2020 basically you’re trying to get laid. Maybe the guy has other plans and likes you more than just a hook-up, in which case he would be wise to stay away because you’re obviously going to turn him into a « rebound guy »..... 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gringoloco Posted January 4, 2020 Share Posted January 4, 2020 29 minutes ago, elpandillero said: basically you’re trying to get laid. Maybe the guy has other plans and likes you more than just a hook-up, in which case he would be wise to stay away because you’re obviously going to turn him into a « rebound guy »..... srry I hadn’t seen the update. Those were my intial thoughts 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MaleIntuition Posted January 4, 2020 Share Posted January 4, 2020 Eh? How exactly is this different from a casual hookup? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted January 4, 2020 Author Share Posted January 4, 2020 To me a casual hookup is mainly about the sex. I don’t care much about that. I don’t know why I keep getting myself in these situations though. I have not had any kind of sex w him yet, but eventually that will be expected. Like I said, it has to progress. You get asked on a date, and you say ‘eh why not’ and on and on. Eventually, it isn’t so casual. I’m passed the point where it’s okay to just disappear on the person (though I might) and then you have to have a talk about why this and why that. It’s just awkward and uncomfortable and frankly not worth the momentary companionship, so I don’t know why I do it. I’m actually thinking back to before I started dating not too long ago and remembering myself much happier findingmyway, what you say is ideal in theory. However, I feel like two people with the best compatibly will find clashes. I just don’t know if the small amount of time and intimacy I desire is worth dragging a another person into my life. I guess in life we must pick and choose. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 4, 2020 Share Posted January 4, 2020 5 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: I just really want to be alone. Your actions don't match your words. Didn't you just post yesterday about breaking up with someone and blaming it on them when it really wasn't? Who was that and how does this guy fit in? In that post you said you weren't dating anymore, yet here you are.... 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 4, 2020 Share Posted January 4, 2020 27 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: I feel like two people with the best compatibly will find clashes Of course they will, any two separate individuals will have clashes. That doesn't mean - at least for most of us - that we just completely avoid all relationships. If you really wanted to be alone you wouldn't be spending time with these guys or seeking companionship. But spending some time alone for a while might be helpful for you to figure out what you really want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 14 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: I just really want to be alone. There is nothing wrong with that. Why don't you do that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted January 5, 2020 Author Share Posted January 5, 2020 (edited) 9 hours ago, Daisydooks said: There is nothing wrong with that. Why don't you do that? 18 hours ago, Finding my way said: Of course they will, any two separate individuals will have clashes. That doesn't mean - at least for most of us - that we just completely avoid all relationships. If you really wanted to be alone you wouldn't be spending time with these guys or seeking companionship. But spending some time alone for a while might be helpful for you to figure out what you really want. Thanks, you guys. I think I got myself in a pretty bad situation now. So I did meet up with this guy after he worked. This is our 5th or 6th meeting and the first time together in public since we started talking (besides meeting in passing). He tells me people are being weird because it’s the first time in a long time he’s had a girl with him. I felt flattered because the guy is quite attractive and has several girls I know of who like him(some were there) and I was his date. At one place, one of his friends was like “so this is your future wife?” He asked if it’s ok to call me his girl. Still, none of it is any concern yet. Things were fun and when we got back...we hook up!!! Maybe it was my first “casual” hookup, but I’m not sure if I’d consider it that because we’d spent several meets getting to know each other prior. After, things got progressively weirder. He was saying “it’s been almost 5 years since I met someone who made me feel like opening up my heart. I wasn’t ready” I just hugged him and I see he had tears in his eyes. I felt really bad for him... He’s like “Usually even when I’m with someone or in a room full of people, I feel so lonely. But I don’t with you. I feel like you get me” It’s interesting because I didn’t get him at all?, But he was emotional and is a sweet guy. I said yea I like you. He said he likes me a lot too and that he’s afraid to say something wrong. I said no no.. I didn’t think he had that much to drink but I asked anyway. He asked “so are you my girlfriend?” It was a mixture of guilt, sympathy,and flattery that made me say “yea...” in the most apathetic tone. But I did say it because I’m an idiot. I asked him if he didn’t think this was going a little fast. He’s like “we don’t have to put labels on it ” but he seemed sad and I realized it didn’t matter at this point anyway. It was going to suck. He says he wants to just be good to me forever. And spend the rest of our lives like this. I’m like awww that’s really sweet. At one point he asks me to tell him if he’s being too much, because he feels like being completely open since in past relationships he held back and he thinks that hurt them. I said no. Dumb, But imagine what you’d say? It’s hard when someone is being so sweet and you just slept together and and it wasn’t bad but you don’t reciprocate these feelings at all. On one hand, this guy might be slightly unstable. It seems very 0 to 60, but what do I know. Regardless, I realize I only have myself to blame for getting in these situations. Like you said, CO, I don’t want to date but I keep doing it. I made up a “brunch with my aunt” to leave but told him I’d be available later. I asked him if he remembered yesterday and he said all of it. He wants me to go tv shopping with him today. I blocked his number and I am going to just ghost. There’s no way to make this ok anyway. I’m done dating. I’ve never been more sure of any decision. Because he and my ex are also loosely acquainted and I went ghost on both of them in a way they will probably Talk sht about me if it gets out but oh well. I’m happily single. Edited January 5, 2020 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
MaleIntuition Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 Bha, yeah, you screwed up the moment you decided to go on a third “date” with him. Sounds to me like he made it clear from the start that he was looking for something more serious. Again; how was this intended as anything but a casual hookup/fun from your point of view? Yeah, no idea what you were hoping to accomplish with this. Also; don’t ghost. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 I think you like the attention and ego boost that having men fall all over you gets you, but you are completely disregarding the fact that there are real human beings with real feelings on the other end getting hurt by your wishy-washiness. If you care at all about other people, you need to simply tell yourself, "I do not need that validation from men because it's not fair to them" and stick to it!! You're really not being nice! 10 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 Don't ghost. Jesus. What is wrong with you?! Just call or meet up with him and tell him how you feel. Show some humanity. Or if you lack the courage to do that send him and email. But don't just ghost FFS. 7 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 When he asked if you were his girlfriend you should have kindly and gently said that you really like him, enjoy his company, but you're not ready to be his girlfriend and maybe/probably never will be. I and plenty of others on this forum I'm sure have had to have those awkward conversations, we all get through them. At the risk of being harsh - I think you are right that you need to be alone. You're being mean. You continued seeing him even after posting that you weren't interested. Then you "hooked up" with him, after all of that, and then lied about being interested in being his girlfriend. I don't understand any of that. If you just need attention you can get it from guys who aren't being as clearly open and vulnerable to you as this guy was. Stick with the players. Or be alone. But don't mess with nice guys. I hope you talk to him face to face and tell him the truth - kindly and gently. Ghosting is very hurtful, it says to him that you got whatever you wanted from him but now you're done and he's not even worth a few minutes of your time to communicate. 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Interstellar Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 Give him a chance Cookie, he seems like a nice guy or you’ll end up like me, 85 with only a bunch of action figures to keep him company. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted January 5, 2020 Author Share Posted January 5, 2020 Thank you again, guys. This morning I felt awful and had every intention to ghost and be done with it. It is cowardly but I was ok with that. Then, I came back and read, . I still feel awful. I think his behavior is a bit much...but I am partly to blame for getting swept up in it. I feel very guilty and stupid. I will write a message. Hi ****, I really like you and think you’re an awesome guy, but after some introspection I realized am not really ready to date anyone at the moment. I think I am going to take some time to be by myself. If there’s something wrong with that please say. Otherwise, I’m going to send and block before I can see what he says, if anything* . Going climbing today. I also dusted off my gaming laptop.I’m so happy to be single for the first time in a long time and back to doing what I love and what really makes me happy. And leaving people alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 On 1/4/2020 at 7:52 AM, Cookiesandough said: I like his dog, Honey, you need a time out with lots of self-care and peace for a while. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nospam99 Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 Cookies I remember your posts starting from a couple of years ago when I first started posting here myself. I believe you are a person who wants love in her life but has been thrashing around about how to achieve that. To my eyes, your proposed message to the guy is 'okay' but only okay. If I was 'on the other end', I'd prefer less kid gloves and more honesty. I'd also prefer face-to-face rather than a message and for an apology for not enough honesty to be included. Easy for me to say being neither a woman concerned about retaliation nor the kind of man who would retaliate. Take your timeout. Give yourself time for introspection. But as a 'hopeless romantic', I doubt you should give up dating forever. I believe time and introspection will help you to decide if that is truly what you wish for in your life. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 10 minutes ago, nospam99 said: and for an apology for not enough honesty to be included. Yesssss.....Cookies, you need to own up to what you're doing lest you keep repeating this behavior. Don't just send a text and block. That is cowardly, and you are now an adult. This has been a pattern with you, and you really need to break it. And I say this in a mothering way, not in a hateful/angry way! I want you to find (and keep) love because I know you are a good person. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 Cookies; I like the email, send it to him but don't block him yet.. let him reply back to you and do as you say.. be alone for a while 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 Take your head out of the sand.... learn empathy and respect. Put yourself in his shoes, and gain some perspective. How would you prefer to be treated if you really liked someone, and were excited that you may have finally found someone...would you not want an honest explanation as to why it can't happen? Ghosting is so much hurtful. Being kind and truly honest will earn you respect, and give them proper closure. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 Cookies, you really would be best to stay single for a long time. You're being very disrespectful, unkind and selfish here. You quite clearly used this guy for attention when your previous relationship was falling apart, and are ready to discard him now that your ego has been boosted. I don't know where you learned to treat people with such little maturity or consideration, but it's wrong. Don't just ghost him. Woman up and send that message if that's the best you can do, but don't run and hide from his response. Be accountable for your behaviour and choices. Hear what he has to say, even if just to take a step in the direction of behaving like an adult about this. 3 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts