No kiss on the first date, am I friend zoned?

[Cookiesandough]

 

Can’t stop thinking about this guy... I’m like obsessed 

 

I swear somethings wrong with me 

He’s soo cute. I’ve been watching his stories and  reading all his posts and liking them. 

I don’t get why I had to burn the bridge completely. I always do that sht. I know for sure I don’t want to seriously date him..as in committed relationship...but I could have asked if we could dial it back to casual. Instead, I panicked and cut the cord. I’m really extra. 

So I sent the message and blocked. Then, 2 days later,  I remembered I left a bag full of my stuff over at his.  I dug up his number and unblocked so I could ask to get it. Embarrassing. He said he’s not mad at me. I told him I’ll come later this week and he said it’s ok. Except he used to be free everyday but now he’s not free Tues bc he’s getting a new tattoo and not Friday either because he’s got something else going on. He didn’t say and he didn’t share with me what his impulse tattoo was. No pic. No texts. Not a single word. nothing. Sucks he’s gone cold on me. 

This happens with everyone I date. I’ve never stayed friends with anyone and they all seem to hate me. 

I’m considering when I go over to get my stuff gauging his vibe to see if I can hug and maybe kiss him. To let him know I still dig him and maybe he’ll warm up to me.This is probably all just wishful thinking, but I’ll let you know. 

Edited January 10, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed off-topic personal conversation

[JTSW]

Just now, Cookiesandough said:

Can’t stop thinking about this guy... I’m like obsessed 

Sucks he’s gone cold on me. 

This happens with everyone I date. I’ve never stayed friends with anyone and they all seem to hate me. 

I’m considering when I go over to get my stuff gauging his vibe to see if I can hug and maybe kiss him. To let him know I still dig him and maybe he’ll warm up to me and we can commence something a little more lax. This is probably all just wishful thinking, but I’ll let you know. 

I really think you should just leave him alone now.

You led him on enough then dumped him when he was getting serious about you.

He's not a toy you can just pick up and discard when it suits you.

He's a good man with genuine feelings.

Asking him for something casual when you know how he feels about you, and after you dumped him will be like a slap in the face for him.

It's insulting.

Stop trying to mess with his head, it's not fair what you are doing to him.

He deserves better.

 

[Cookiesandough]

I know  you’re right. I won’t do casual because I don’t think I can handle it anyway. Maybe one last kiss.

 

   I’m so jealous and upset . A very attractive girl I know likes him just asked him on Instagram to hang out Friday and he said he’ll try to make it (all public ally on Instagram)  I know it’s ridiculous to be so upset I can’t help it. Okay I’ll let this die now 🥺

Edited January 8, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

14 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

 

I’m considering when I go over to get my stuff gauging his vibe to see if I can hug and maybe kiss him. To let him know I still dig him and maybe he’ll warm up to me.This is probably all just wishful thinking, but I’ll let you know. 

Unless you have NO desire to change yourself and your dating tactics, do not do this.  Maybe he'll warm up to you......and then what?  You'll give him the boot again when he gets too close?  Just leave the poor guy alone.

[rjc149]

On 1/5/2020 at 9:07 AM, Cookiesandough said:

He was saying “it’s been almost 5 years since I met someone who made me feel like opening up my heart. I wasn’t ready” I just hugged him and I see he had tears in his eyes. I felt really bad for him...

He’s like “Usually even when I’m with someone or in a room full of people,  I feel so lonely. But I don’t with you. I feel like you get me” It’s interesting because I didn’t get him at all?

He asked “so are you my girlfriend?” It was a mixture of guilt, sympathy,and  flattery that made me say “yea...” 

He says he wants to just be good to me forever. And spend the rest of our lives like this. 

On one hand, this guy might be slightly unstable. It seems very 0 to 60, but what do I know. 

 

You know enough to know that your gut intuition about this guy is dead-on. 

[ccas93]

the way this whole situation went down just reeks of toxic and vampiric behavior of a fake and unkind person. Ugh. Got my blood pressure up just reading these awful posts. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Cookies, in an all seriousness, have you ever sought counselling?

The insensitive way you believe you can treat this guy is speaking to deeper issues inside you, as is the lack of insight into your own immature behaviour. 

[JTSW]

10 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Maybe one last kiss.

Don't even do this. 

Leave him alone.

You had your chance.

He's moved on now with a girl who genuinely likes him and wont mess with him like you did.

[ccas93]

I think it's funny that she was too scared to even text this guy without blocking him to let him know how she feels, but she's perfectly fine accepting pretty harsh criticism from people on the internet. I honestly think a lot of her story is fake/fantasy and she's trolling to get reactions and see what people say. 

[Cookiesandough]

Wow, you angry, bro ?  I welcome all responses, even ones as mean and unhelpful as yours because I choose to put my stuff on here and ask for advice. I also do take the advice here often and for the record I am not going to try anything else with this person as per advice because I know I messed up, he wants nothing more to do w me, and I should leave it alone. I’m just getting my bag on Sunday. You know you’re welcome to just stay out of my threads if you’re not a fan.  

Edited January 9, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[ccas93]

actually, yeah. I was in a relationship last summer with someone who used me for a rebound almost the exact same way you used this guy. Only you make yourself sound 10x worse than her. So yes, this thread triggers me a bit. Even if that wasn't the case, the way you describe your perspective on this whole situation would elicit a negative reaction from me regardless.  I hope you get the help you need so you can stop hurting people out of selfishness and develop some empathy.

Edited January 9, 2020 by ccas93

[princessaurora]

One of my biggest young adult regrets is the guys i reeled in and then ghosted. I was still in love with my ex and was trying to move on, but anytime they got too close, I would cut off all contact with them, and they were all respectful, good looking guys who didnt deserve to be treated that way. The one i messed over the worst is a pharmacist at one of our local drug stores and I hide everytime i see him because i'm still so embarassed over what I did. We had been dating for months and when he mentioned he wanted me to join his family for the holidays, i instantly ghosted him because I wasnt ready for that. It was a very crappy and cowardly thing to do and I wish I would have been more empathetic at the time instead of acting like an insensitive B!+ch. 

 Please spend some time reflecting on yourself and your behaviors and think of the impact it has on innocent well intentioned people. If all you wanna do is hook up, theres always tinder or pof, but dont play with people's emotions who are looking for their potential soulmate. Just my two cents. 

[Cookiesandough]

@ccass93 I read your thread and I’m sorry about what happened. I feel like my situation is a bit different because it was not a rebound for me. I’ve been over my ex for a long time and I genuinely liked this guy. But yes I’m sorry that happened to you and you do deserve better. 

@princessaurora wow were a player... I don’t consider myself such. I am trying to learn from my mistakes and not hurt anyone though 

 

————

 

Oh my gosh.. so update. Bad stuff happens to me again. Im such an f up🤭

 

So I have been asking for help anonymously on another, busier forum. I posted screenshots of our texts and I forgot to block out the number in one of them. Lol ... so I quickly took them down, but knowing the internet....

I asked him: 

 

me: Hey...so did you happen to get a weird text today?🤔

 

Him: Yeah. I got a text from someone saying my number was up on r*****

Him: What’s going on? 

Me: ohhhh I’m sooo sorry. Someone got into my phone. It’s been taken down. 

 

(How believable is that. It’s not. That’s right. )

 

Him(being kind): It’s ok.

Him: Nothing can make me mad right now 

Him: *pic of a delicious vegan sandwich he made*

 

 

Me: damn that looks good.

Me: Hey. I hope we can be cool. I like you a lot. 

Him: Cool is my middle name 

Me: I think I just get scared of rushing into stuff and commitments

Him: I completely understand

Him: We were moving kind of fast.

Him: But that’s what happens when you like someone🤷‍♂️

Him: I apologize for getting buzzed and letting my feels out. 

I haven’t responded yet because I’m not sure how but I will . 

I think he has a date tonight with another girl, not that it’s any of my business ... 

I’m glad we’re choosing to gloss over the fact I made a post about him and accidentally was stupid enough to not scribble out his number. I feel rreally confused and divided. I love being by myself.. but then I feel lonely. I might have a coffee date on tues but I don’t think I’ll do it. 

 

Anywag, thanks everyone who read and advised me. I know I can be insufferable sometimes. I really do appreciate it. 

 

Edited January 10, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[princessaurora]

I wasnt doing it on purpose  cookies. I was trying so hard to move on and I thought if I dated enough I would, but I just couldnt give my heart to anyone else. And i hated confrontation, so I would just start ignoring their calls/messages which was so pathetic. Eventually, I got back together with my ex and we've been married for 20 years, so it all worked out in the end.. I just wish I wouldnt have hurt anyone in the process. 

4 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

@ccass93 I read your thread and I’m sorry about what happened. I feel like my situation is a bit different because it was not a rebound for me. I’ve been over my ex for a long time and I genuinely liked this guy. But yes I’m sorry that happened to you and you do deserve better. 

@princessaurora wow were a player... I don’t consider myself such. I am trying to learn from my mistakes and not hurt anyone though 

 

————

 

Oh my gosh.. so update. Bad stuff happens to me again. Im such an f up🤭

 

So I have been asking for help anonymously on another, busier forum. I posted screenshots of our texts and I forgot to block out the number in one of them. Lol ... so I quickly took them down, but knowing the internet....

I asked him: 

 

me: Hey...so did you happen to get a weird text today?🤔

 

Him: Yeah. I got a text from someone saying my number was up on r*****

Him: What’s going on? 

Me: ohhhh I’m sooo sorry. Someone got into my phone. It’s been taken down. 

 

(How believable is that. It’s not. That’s right. )

 

Him(being kind): It’s ok.

Him: Nothing can make me mad right now 

Him: *pic of a delicious vegan sandwich he made*

 

 

Me: damn that looks good.

Me: Hey. I hope we can be cool. I like you a lot. 

Him: Cool is my middle name 

Me: I think I just get scared of rushing into stuff and commitments

Him: I completely understand

Him: We were moving kind of fast.

Him: But that’s what happens when you like someone🤷‍♂️

Him: I apologize for getting buzzed and letting my feels out. 

I haven’t responded yet because I’m not sure how but I will . 

I think he has a date tonight with another girl, not that it’s any of my business ... 

I’m glad we’re choosing to gloss over the fact I made a post about him and accidentally was stupid enough to not scribble out his number. I feel rreally confused and divided. I love being by myself.. but then I feel lonely. I might have a coffee date on tues but I don’t think I’ll do it. 

 

Anywag, thanks everyone who read and advised me. I know I can be insufferable sometimes. I really do appreciate it. 

 

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

6 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

 

 

 

On 1/9/2020 at 2:10 PM, Cookiesandough said:

... You know you’re welcome to just stay out of my threads if you’re not a fan.  

C&D, Is it possible you view others on LS and in real life as your fans rather than as people with emotions (real life) and with wisdom (LS) for you to listen to and grow from?

To me, the person you told to stay off your thread if he wasn't a fan, responding to him that his post was mean, didn't seem mean at all.  He seemed to me to be offering you logic. That is the first time I've noticed you snap at anyone on LS.  Of all things that I've ever seen written to you that could possibly offend someone, the thing that seemed to offend you most was the suggestion your posts may be fantasy, rather than based on real life experiences. I'm not saying your posts are fantasy, just wondering why that caused the strongest emotional reaction in your posts I've ever seen on LS.

Some of the things I've seen written to you seem to me to be things that would hurt most peoples' feelings, yet you seem to take them all in stride. That's why I was so surprised to notice your reaction to the above referenced post.

6 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

 I feel rreally confused and divided. I love being by myself.. but then I feel lonely. I might have a coffee date on tues but I don’t think I’ll do it. 

Anywag, thanks everyone who read and advised me. I know I can be insufferable sometimes. I really do appreciate it. 

 

You write often that you love being by yourself. Are you able to spend quite a bit of time alone? I get the sense that you may indeed spend a lot of time alone. But, then you state above that you're also lonely.  

So, you're lonely but like being by yourself. And you think of yourself as insufferable.  I think you may have written earlier that you're an only child? And that your parents are wonderful but your dad has always been very busy? I'm asking these things because they may have a bearing on your dating life which you usually post about.

You seem to be a sweet young woman from your posts, but they (your posts) often seem to present you as a person who is not really emotionally involved with the men you're dating. The way you write about them makes it almost seem as if they're objects to you, although I'm not writing that you see them that way at all! It's just the way it comes across in your posts sometimes. 

 

[Cookiesandough]

I’m sorry, @LivingWaterPlease, I meant “if you’re not a fan” like when people say “yeah... I’m not a fan” ie “I do not like”, that is all. If my post is causing a negative reaction or upsetting someone then I would like them to leave.  No.. I don’t think I have any actual fans here lol quite contrary, but I get it. Since it’s an anonymous board, I am very transparent and air out all my mistakes. 

I also didn’t mean that his posts were the only mean ones. I have got into it a few times with people here in the past maybe that you have not seen. I am human. Yes, he was the one I lost it on here, and yes, his initial post I found the most cruel and unhelpful (calling me “fake” and “vampiric” and contributing nothing but insults to the discussion) but just about every post save a few I’ve received on here has been “mean” in a way. Harsh. I don’t know if I take it in stride. It does often hurt me, but I choose not to make a post going off on  every person because that is their opinion and I do ask for it. I ‘like’ each one of them because I appreciate it. 

 

Yes, I’m an only child and I have spent a great deal of time by myself and I like having the liberty to do that. But I occasionally do get lonely for romantic companionship. Going on dates, even just coffee, often quells this and I am back to feeling overwhelmed. 

 

Thank you for your input, livingwater.i do value your opinion, and everyone’s here, but ultimately I follow my heart, as imperfect as it is. 

Since those texts, I initiated some sexy messages to him and I told him I miss him. I guess we’re dating again because I said I want to hang out again (which is true)and he said “I’m not going anywhere if you wanna hang anytime ” So we’ll see. I have to think how to approach this because I don’t want anything bad to happen. I’m thinking of telling him next time I see him that I’m not talking to anyone else but he could and I think he should. So I don’t feel so much responsibility 

 

@princessaurora  I understand completely. I had that feeling for my first ex. Thank you for empathizing too. It’s nice to hear there was ultimately a happy ending for you though.:) I hope that pharmacist doesn’t give you sh*t when you turn in scripts 

Edited January 11, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[JTSW]

Wow, he's a very understanding guy. 

I would flip if you put my number on a forum for the world to see. 

Texts between you and him are private. He probably wouldn't have been so understanding if he knew you published his texts for the world to see 🙄

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't even know what to say.  This poor guy.  

[FMW]

11 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yes, I’m an only child and I have spent a great deal of time by myself and I like having the liberty to do that. But I occasionally do get lonely for romantic companionship. Going on dates, even just coffee, often quells this and I am back to feeling overwhelmed. 

I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm betting that I'm old enough to be your mother.  But I can relate to what I quoted - I also have no siblings and have always been used to spending a lot of time alone.  The attention from my parents as the only child was often too much for me, I would retreat to my room.  

As a teenager I had several occasions when I was unnecessarily cold/dismissive to guys who I dated once and then had no interest in seeing again.  I felt horrible about it later, and gradually learned by my early twenties to be more sensitive to how the guy might feel.  I also paid attention to how I interacted in general with guys.  I still to this day can be very interested in someone for whatever reason when I first meet them and sincerely want to learn more about them, but then that interest can die pretty quickly.  So now in my post-divorce life I remember those lessons from so long ago and I am very careful to temper how I communicate any interest so as to not mislead anyone.  If my interest continues, only then do I express it more openly.  

I eventually want another committed relationship but I'm not in a big rush.  However I do like SOME attention and I enjoy the different energy that exists when hanging out with men.  Right now, my needs are being met by several what I call "flirty" friendships with guys that I go places with or just hang out with, but for one reason or another we are both aware that that is the extent of the relationship, at least at this time.  I have one FWB for when I want more than flirtation, and we are both very clear on where things stand. 

Guys your age might not be as amenable to the flirty friendships, but at least be clear on your intentions (or lack of intentions) and don't lead anyone on.  Then you won't put yourself into these situations of ghosting someone to avoid an awkward conversation. You can get the attention you need without leading guys on and hurting them.  Just be honest and sensitive.     

Edited January 11, 2020 by Finding my way

[LivingWaterPlease]

13 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

.i do value your opinion, and everyone’s here, but ultimately I follow my heart, as imperfect as it is. 

Since those texts, I initiated some sexy messages to him and I told him I miss him. I guess we’re dating again because I said I want to hang out again (which is true)and he said “I’m not going anywhere if you wanna hang anytime ” So we’ll see. I have to think how to approach this because I don’t want anything bad to happen. I’m thinking of telling him next time I see him that I’m not talking to anyone else but he could and I think he should. So I don’t feel so much responsibility 

 

 

 

You say you don't want anything bad to happen. What are the bad things that could happen? 

 

[Cookiesandough]

On 1/11/2020 at 12:51 PM, LivingWaterPlease said:

 

You say you don't want anything bad to happen. What are the bad things that could happen? 

 

Well based on my past experiences, feelings could get hurt. 

So I thought I may have secured a FWB with this guy. After we started meeting again, I explained how I am not ready for a relationship, but I would love to keep things as they are. He said that is fine. 

Things are confusing because this is(was?)my first FWB and I don’t really know how to set the boundaries. He texted me every day, throughout the day and night. He told me when he’s going out with his boys. We call each other babe and baby and say I miss you. We’re both super affectionate and love to cuddle. He wanted to hang out every day so I had to pretend to be sick to not hurt his feelings 

——

So last Thursday, he made another fancy meal for us and we went out to a cigar bar and club. It was a fun. He asked me if I had plans the next day. I said not really. He also wanted me to come spend a few days at his parent’s cabin. I said sure(they have an indoor pool and hot tub!!!). Also, his dog will be there. 

 

But then  I got really stressed for multiple reasons. One is that I remembered I had already booked a date that afternoon with another guy. I was to go on a weekend trip with this guy as well. I also was dealing with a ton of fallout from my last relationship. School stuff. I simply felt overwhelmed. So what did I do? Instead of being mature, I just blocked both of them and did not show to either on Friday. 

Today I unblocked him, but I realize that I still would like to continue with him casually. However, I’m sure he texted Friday and I did not get them. He hasn’t texted me today. If he does, I will respond and we may continue seeing each other possibly. The way I see it is that we are casually dating and sometimes things will fall through and we have to be okay with that. I hope he understands this.  But as of now, I guess this chapter is closed.

 

 

Edited January 20, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[JTSW]

8 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

So what did I do? Instead of being mature, I just blocked both of them and did not show to either on Friday. 

Today I unblocked him, but I realize that I still would like to continue with him casually. However, I’m sure he texted Friday and I did not get them. He hasn’t texted me today. If he does, I will respond and we may continue seeing each other possibly. 

Honey, you can't keep treating people like this.

You will end up with a reputation for stringing men along (I know you don't mean to do this)

If you keep ghosting them then they will get fed up.

I really think you should take a break from dating for a while.

Concentrate on yourself and school.

Give yourself a break because you are getting very overwhelmed trying to juggle allot at once.

[Andy_K]

Cookies, you remind me of me in my late twenties. It goes something like this:

You like your independence and having your own space and time to pursue your hobbies (gaming etc), but after too much of that you'll feel a bit lonely, like there's something more out there. And dating is fun, so you do. But the trouble is most of the people you meet you're not too sure about... bit since they seem to be genuine and like you, you ignore the slight nagging doubt in your head, hoping it'll go away if you give things a chance. You don't want to be judgemental or shallow.

Only it doesn't go away. It gets louder. And louder. And pretty soon your head is screaming at you, and you can't carry on. You just have to get out, get away. You haven't told the other person though, because fundamentally you're a nice person and you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But sooner or later you have to, and they always get hurt. So you go back to being single, and it's such a relief. But then you start to want something more again...

Is this sounding familiar yet?

You already know this FWB isn't going to work either. You're going to break up with him. It might feel like you've got what you wanted, but not for long. It's a FWB in name only, because you know full well he wants much more, and you'll very soon feel the weight of his hopes/desires pulling you down, no matter how well he tries to hide it.

Edited January 20, 2020 by Andy_K

[Lorenza]

I get an impression that men are just means to an end to you, tools to get validation and move on. Kinda like an addiction. Then when you're done with them you don't really know how to act and tell loveshack how you're about to ghost them, listen to people commenting "nooo don't do that" and each time it's like its something new for you that ghosting isn't right. Going through life hurting people isn't a compliment, it isn't "omg everyone wants me soo bad, what to do". Its just not a good traits of a character and I think it's worth investing into some self-growth instead. 

. 

Edited January 21, 2020 by Lorenza

[Cookiesandough]

@Andy_K Wow... It’s like you read my mind. That’s exactly it.  I’m glad someone can relate. I just wonder what we do to get out of that cycle? I hate it and sometimes I wonder if I will ever stop feeling this way.  

 

L, it’s not like that. I wonder why people assume I’m dating for validation.  I’m not saying that that might not be getting some from it. I think everyone gets that from dating someone they like. But I don’t think at all that’s my primary reason. 

 

 I get bored and *lonely* and want companionship  after awhile. It’s not like I’m having these dates feed me grapes and compliment me. I’m genuinely enjoying their company most of the time. Dating is fun sometimes. It’s like making a new friend, but with another element of excitement. 

I know ghosting is bad.  I just think sometimes there are some rare situations where it’s acceptable. I don’t even know in these cases I would call it ghosting. I didn’t ghost the guy in this thread. I’m still communicating with him. 

 

———_

He texted me today for the first time since we were supposed to meet last Friday. It was just a hey girl text. I’m not really sure how to respond because I am embarrassed. I will have to think about it but I want to see him again 

Edited January 21, 2020 by Cookiesandough