Girlfriend broken up

[scotty29]

Hi All, my name is Scott, I am new here just looking for some advice on two questions I have. I will start with a medium sized back story... 

I was with my ex (who I will refer to as 'Sarah') for 1 and a half years, we didn't live together, we have no kids together and we lived 2 hours from each other. She 24 I am 29. 

During our whole relationship we have done the following: 

 

- Compare our past (sexual partners, places we been, things we done things we haven't) 

- Argue about our exes 

- Argue to the point of her screaming and shouting and physically attacking at me (I am rather placid so I never reached this point of argumentative behaviour, however, I did contribute verbally and am no angel) 

 

Now about a year before being with Sarah, I caught my ex before Sarah on top of another man, which obviously crushed me and changed me in many ways - but the breakup process was lessened in pain at that time because I had ANGER to turn to. This anger helped me get over the cheat and move on with my life.  

I am pointing this out, as obviously at the start of me and Sarah I suffered some trusting issue, especially with her being longish distance (a 2-hour car drive) I did have certain doubts and at times I did express my feelings to her and we resolved with reassurance etc etc.  

This did however put some strain to the relationship but in an opposite way...she started accusing me of cheating and 'texting other women' - this in turn made me feel worried that typical thought of 'oh if she's accusing me so ridiculously then maybe she is the one playing about? ANYWAYS! This was just another contributing factor to our many hours of argument and bickering. 

 

Two weeks ago, we split, we both promised we have been loyal during our whole relationship and that currently we was not seeing anyone else, the reasons for breaking where more because exhaustion due to constant bickering and arguing.

The breakup was more on her side but eventually I gave in and accepted what she was telling me and to be fair to Sarah, a lot of it made sense. We have been acting upon the 'no contact' rule now for 5 days as there was exchanges of messages beforehand about items, accounts and other 'excuses on my part' to talk to Sarah as I missed her.

 

Now since that time I have kept busy, smashing the gym, meeting friends and making new friends also.  

 

Just to clarify, my questions are NOT based on me trying to get Sarah back, I understand everyone deserves to be happy and respect myself enough to accept, hey if someone doesn't want me? I surely deserve someone who does? 

  

So here goes.... 

 

Problem 1:  

I am struggling to get through the day without feeling like my heart is on fire, my stomach is sick and my brain is in that 'What, If and Why' overload. I have nothing to be angry about, therefore, I cannot use the same tactics I used to speed the healing process up with my ex.  

  

Question 1:  

With the above, does anyone have any advice for speeding up my healing process? Any good articles or videos or techniques you have used yourself? 

  

Problem 2: 

I am 29 years old, unemployed but studying the last part of my qualification in personal training/actively job hunting, living with my parents and at the moment I wake up and think to myself 'what difference do I make to anyone else'...I feel like an absolute loser, 29 and living with my mum and no money or job! I feel pathetic and don't even feel good enough for myself let alone anyone else. 

  

Question2: 

I have wanted kids ever since I can remember, now I am 29 and in a bad position, I am panic that I am running out of time. Does anyone have any advice on how to feel better about myself and anyone experienced having kids or meeting their partners later in life? 

  

Thanks for reading 

Scott 

[trw1972]

Question 1) If you have no intention of getting back together then i think you are doing exactly the right thing, keeping yourself occupied and keeping to NC. It has only been 5 days, so perfectly normal that you are having issues still. It just needs more time.

 

Question 2) Well once your qualifications are done, a job should follow and things may click into place. I can relate to low self esteem- but you have prospects at the end of the day and have time regarding kids.

 

[2BGoodAgain]

1 hour ago, scotty29 said:

Hi All, my name is Scott, I am new here just looking for some advice on two questions I have. I will start with a medium sized back story... 

I was with my ex (who I will refer to as 'Sarah') for 1 and a half years, we didn't live together, we have no kids together and we lived 2 hours from each other. She 24 I am 29. 

During our whole relationship we have done the following: 

 

- Compare our past (sexual partners, places we been, things we done things we haven't) 

- Argue about our exes 

- Argue to the point of her screaming and shouting and physically attacking at me (I am rather placid so I never reached this point of argumentative behaviour, however, I did contribute verbally and am no angel) 

 

Now about a year before being with Sarah, I caught my ex before Sarah on top of another man, which obviously crushed me and changed me in many ways - but the breakup process was lessened in pain at that time because I had ANGER to turn to. This anger helped me get over the cheat and move on with my life.  

I am pointing this out, as obviously at the start of me and Sarah I suffered some trusting issue, especially with her being longish distance (a 2-hour car drive) I did have certain doubts and at times I did express my feelings to her and we resolved with reassurance etc etc.  

This did however put some strain to the relationship but in an opposite way...she started accusing me of cheating and 'texting other women' - this in turn made me feel worried that typical thought of 'oh if she's accusing me so ridiculously then maybe she is the one playing about? ANYWAYS! This was just another contributing factor to our many hours of argument and bickering. 

 

Two weeks ago, we split, we both promised we have been loyal during our whole relationship and that currently we was not seeing anyone else, the reasons for breaking where more because exhaustion due to constant bickering and arguing.

The breakup was more on her side but eventually I gave in and accepted what she was telling me and to be fair to Sarah, a lot of it made sense. We have been acting upon the 'no contact' rule now for 5 days as there was exchanges of messages beforehand about items, accounts and other 'excuses on my part' to talk to Sarah as I missed her.

 

Now since that time I have kept busy, smashing the gym, meeting friends and making new friends also.  

 

Just to clarify, my questions are NOT based on me trying to get Sarah back, I understand everyone deserves to be happy and respect myself enough to accept, hey if someone doesn't want me? I surely deserve someone who does? 

  

So here goes.... 

 

Problem 1:  

I am struggling to get through the day without feeling like my heart is on fire, my stomach is sick and my brain is in that 'What, If and Why' overload. I have nothing to be angry about, therefore, I cannot use the same tactics I used to speed the healing process up with my ex.  

  

Question 1:  

With the above, does anyone have any advice for speeding up my healing process? Any good articles or videos or techniques you have used yourself? 

  

Problem 2: 

I am 29 years old, unemployed but studying the last part of my qualification in personal training/actively job hunting, living with my parents and at the moment I wake up and think to myself 'what difference do I make to anyone else'...I feel like an absolute loser, 29 and living with my mum and no money or job! I feel pathetic and don't even feel good enough for myself let alone anyone else. 

  

Question2: 

I have wanted kids ever since I can remember, now I am 29 and in a bad position, I am panic that I am running out of time. Does anyone have any advice on how to feel better about myself and anyone experienced having kids or meeting their partners later in life? 

  

Thanks for reading 

Scott 

 

1) anger may help the pain part, but i'm not sure if you really processed and got over what happened. Usually when anger is involved, it helps you bury it more than anything.. you feel fine, but in reality, it's just buried for a time ... before it comes out in a very bad way. I highly recommend you look into that.

 

2) 29 is young. I know, when i was 29, i thought i was too old and tried to rush things and made it MUCH WORSE. Don't rush. Have a drive, but take the proper steps and get it done. Don't worry about living with your mother etc...  people with low self esteem compare yourself with others and always feels inadequate.. something you should get therapy for.. it'll help alot in how you view yourself and your future relationships.

 

honestly, if you don't figure yourself out... no matter how great the relationship you find... you'll mess it up. not guaranteed, but likely.. most people jump into relationships, thinking they just need to find the right relationship when in reality, they need to figure out who they are, what they want, what they need... so when you DO meet the right person, you don't F it up.

 

good luck to you YOUNG MAN... seriously.. you're a kid.  I don't mean maturity wise, but age wise. Keep on track, work on yourself physically and mentally and emotionally... and when you do meet the right person, hopefully, you're ready for it.

[scotty29]

Thank you so much for your kind words and insight. I will let time do it's healing and keep busy and try and be more positive about my future. Hopefully I can organise myself financially, emotionally and mentally and then be ready to share my life with someone.

[fromheart]

Im a trainer myself.

You are facing one of the biggest issues that draw people to training.  If you can train yourself through this, you will have one of the biggest lessons to share with other people.  So keep training, your in your physical prime years so go hardcore.

You kick a woman out of your life if she physically assaults you.  On the spot.

There's been some retroactive jealousy there, get to the bottom of it.  It's a complete waste of time.

[scotty29]

24 minutes ago, fromheart said:

Im a trainer myself.

You are facing one of the biggest issues that draw people to training.  If you can train yourself through this, you will have one of the biggest lessons to share with other people.  So keep training, your in your physical prime years so go hardcore.

You kick a woman out of your life if she physically assaults you.  On the spot.

There's been some retroactive jealousy there, get to the bottom of it.  It's a complete waste of time.

 

Thank you, I am working from the last units of my work and have my practical booked for January, I am feeling a lot better than I did when I wrote this post. I am aware it will be ups and downs but right now concentrating on my work and seeing a bright future with new goals, people and adventures...Id go as far to say as I smiled and meant it this morning.

Very true about the retroactive jealousy...I believe I can work on this by learning to accept and love myself in a positive manner, to base my happiness on myself - I realised my ex Sarah and my other exes...I give them an impossible task of 'making me happy and making me love and be content with myself'...I see now this was ridiculous? to expect one person to shape me and fill me up as a person and then hope that the relationship would work so long as she said 'you look great' or 'your amazing'...Not anymore. 

 

I want to go into my next relationship with the confidence and belief in myself that I am worth someones time, I am strong and I am lovable. Never again will I allow my own self esteem issues to be passed onto someone else, slowly released to intoxicate my next relationship, never again!

 

I am excited to feel good about myself in the future and finally share a positive me with someone.

 

Thanks again for your help. God bless all of you!

[kingpineapple]

1). What really helped me heal after my breakup was to make a list on my phone of everything that bothered me, or wasn't fair to me in that relationship. After going through the list look at each item and think "Would someone else treat me better?" The answer will be yes to all. 

Then make a list of everything you liked about that relationship. Go through each item and think "would someone else be able to give me that?". The answer will also be yes to all.

2.) Our societal beliefs about age and pressures on when things should happen are so antiquated. Most of what we think is based on the presumption that the average life expectancy is 55 years old. 

Go get your degree, have fun and don't worry about age. Sounds like you're in good health so you have PLENTY of time to do the whole settling down/going out on your own thing.

[scotty29]

1 hour ago, kingpineapple said:

1). What really helped me heal after my breakup was to make a list on my phone of everything that bothered me, or wasn't fair to me in that relationship. After going through the list look at each item and think "Would someone else treat me better?" The answer will be yes to all. 

Then make a list of everything you liked about that relationship. Go through each item and think "would someone else be able to give me that?". The answer will also be yes to all.

2.) Our societal beliefs about age and pressures on when things should happen are so antiquated. Most of what we think is based on the presumption that the average life expectancy is 55 years old. 

Go get your degree, have fun and don't worry about age. Sounds like you're in good health so you have PLENTY of time to do the whole settling down/going out on your own thing.

Thank you for your response, I have just compiled a list together thank you! How comes you would do a positive list also ? Would that not be counterintuitive? 
 

i am still a bit worried about the kids thing but so many people are saying I’ve got plenty of time so trying to sink it in! 
 

thanks so much for your help 

[kingpineapple]

1 hour ago, scotty29 said:

How comes you would do a positive list also ? Would that not be counterintuitive? 

The reasoning for the positives list is to show you that you can still get those things from a different relationship with a different girl, without all that negative stuff you wrote in the other list. 

 

Example- On my positives list for my ex i wrote "I liked that she laughed a lot". With that, I think "Can I find someone else who laughs a lot?". The answer is obviously yes.

Thus, it makes me think theres other women out there with good qualities that haven't treated me poorly, if that makes sense.

 

Just what works for me. Good luck.

[scotty29]

24 minutes ago, kingpineapple said:

The reasoning for the positives list is to show you that you can still get those things from a different relationship with a different girl, without all that negative stuff you wrote in the other list. 

 

Example- On my positives list for my ex i wrote "I liked that she laughed a lot". With that, I think "Can I find someone else who laughs a lot?". The answer is obviously yes.

Thus, it makes me think theres other women out there with good qualities that haven't treated me poorly, if that makes sense.

 

Just what works for me. Good luck.

ah I see yeah that makes sense, don’t want to enter another relationship with simply bad thoughts either haha! Thanks really means a lot so nice random people helping others!

 

i honestly feel so much better in the last 24 hours than I have in the last 5 days!  Venting and getting answers has done wonders so far! 
 

good luck to you also in your ventures ! 

[preraph]

Get a part-time position doing anything anywhere while you finish your training.  Being unemployed is real bad for your self-image and for others' image of you as well.  So fix that now.  

 

There's no magic wand to stop heartache.  The best thing you can do is be realistic and realize that together, you two were not the couple you hoped you'd be.  And realize you only control half of that equation.  You'll never know what's in her head to the point of understanding all the reasons why from her viewpoint.  It was what it was.  And now it's over, and you have to just accept it and move on.  Sounds like you're already working out, so that's a good stress reliever.  Travel is sometimes good for heartache because it gives you perspective, but in this case, you need a job worse.  Good luck.

[scotty29]

4 minutes ago, preraph said:

Get a part-time position doing anything anywhere while you finish your training.  Being unemployed is real bad for your self-image and for others' image of you as well.  So fix that now.  

 

There's no magic wand to stop heartache.  The best thing you can do is be realistic and realize that together, you two were not the couple you hoped you'd be.  And realize you only control half of that equation.  You'll never know what's in her head to the point of understanding all the reasons why from her viewpoint.  It was what it was.  And now it's over, and you have to just accept it and move on.  Sounds like you're already working out, so that's a good stress reliever.  Travel is sometimes good for heartache because it gives you perspective, but in this case, you need a job worse.  Good luck.

Yeah luckily I have some part time working for my father and plus 2 interviews for more serious career roles on Jan due to Christmas break. Once I get some money coming in etc then I can do some travel even just with friends to Europe and stuff will be great for me. 
 

Your right about heartbreak, I remember my first girlfriend dumping me and my father saying “there isn’t a pill out there for this type of pain” it’s so very true, especially if your not ready for it! 
 

yeah training and eating well! I noticed early on as soon as I’d have a big binge eat of bad food I’d feel worse so I’ve been really trying on the healthy eating side of things! 
 

thank you for your advice! 

[preraph]

It's never fun.  Best thing is if you can just stop yourself from having hope and hanging on and not waste too much time on something that you can never really know all you want to understand about it and just tell yourself you're tired of being miserable and so you're not going to be miserable anymore, accept it, and then move on with hope for someone new.  

[scotty29]

Yeah the no hope thing - I truly believe while I was still in contact I thought we would be okay but no contact has been working wonders ! I went for a run earlier and probably seemed like a crazy person but started walking at the end and just talking out loud to myself - things like it’s over move on, your gonna be okay, you can do better you deserve better  I’m sure the dog walkers thought I was on the loose from somewhere haha ! Cheers !

[preraph]

^ Been there!