Ghosting.... what was your experience...

[Ellener]

I don't believe in ghosts...

 

👻

[Legatus]

19 hours ago, OatsAndHall said:

but ghosting her made me the bad guy which hopefully softens things a bit.

 

That's just a way to ease your guilt. Nobody feels better just because a person ghosts. If you look from a perspective of people who get ghosted, the worst thing about it is the abruptness of it and not knowing why it happened. 

 

I recently experienced it and it was awful. I learned a lot about myself though. Along the way I realised I did it once myself when I was moving countries and a girls from the country I was leaving wanted exclusivity. She sent me numerous messages I forgot about completely. Recently I messaged her apologising even though I'm sure she wasn't beaten up about it for too long but she appreciated it.

 

I can't see a good reason for ghosting. Regardless if you saw somebody once or twice, what's the problem saying you simply don't want to. I understand some people get a bit defensive or angry and then you can block them but don't try to justify your lack of empathy just because it might happen with the next person. First you should be the "bigger person". Explain, be nice, and if the other side can't appreciate it then you've done your part and block.

[alphamale]

2 hours ago, Legatus said:

 

I can't see a good reason for ghosting. 

I can

[Legatus]

Great... have a cookie

[OatsAndHall]

4 hours ago, Legatus said:

 

That's just a way to ease your guilt. Nobody feels better just because a person ghosts. If you look from a perspective of people who get ghosted, the worst thing about it is the abruptness of it and not knowing why it happened. 

 

I recently experienced it and it was awful. I learned a lot about myself though. Along the way I realised I did it once myself when I was moving countries and a girls from the country I was leaving wanted exclusivity. She sent me numerous messages I forgot about completely. Recently I messaged her apologising even though I'm sure she wasn't beaten up about it for too long but she appreciated it.

 

I can't see a good reason for ghosting. Regardless if you saw somebody once or twice, what's the problem saying you simply don't want to. I understand some people get a bit defensive or angry and then you can block them but don't try to justify your lack of empathy just because it might happen with the next person. First you should be the "bigger person". Explain, be nice, and if the other side can't appreciate it then you've done your part and block.

 

I don't feel guilty about it. We'd only met once and I wouldn't have gone out with her if she had been forthcoming about her actual physical appearance. I only ghost women after one date because it's not even a date; it's a meet-up and I don't feel as if I owe them anything. We met, it didn't work out for whatever reason and I move on. I we go out a few times and it doesn't click, then I will openly tell them it's not working for me. Because now we're actually "dating".

 

You say that it's a lack of empathy; I call it practicality. Had it just been a case of "lack of spark", I might have just said so, blocked her and moved on. But, my options were to placate her with b.s., tell her the truth (i.e. "I'm not physically attracted to you.") or just disappear. She would've known I was just placating her if I tossed out something along the lines of "I'm just not feeling it" because we'd chatted quite a bit (too much) and telling her that I didn't find her attractive would've been far more hurtful than just disappearing.

 

"Hey, we've had some wonderful conversations and we do have a ton in common. But.... I'm not into you, physically, so I'm going to move on."

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

 

I met girl on an OLD app.  She stated from the get go that she wasn't ready for anything serious and just wanted to get to know me and I was okay with that.   Nonetheless, we exchanged numbers and she began blowing up my phone everyday.  We had some nice conversations and because I didn't want her to feel like she was the only one making an effort, I suggested us to meet up on more than one occasion.  She somehow excused herself from out of meeting up, saying she'd love to but "work" and would continue to call me and talk.  If I wanted, I would have cut it of then and there.   But when you're getting to know someone, you don't want to generalize them, based on sh*tty past experiences and you want to give them a chance and show them love.  And you hope that they'll see that and they don't mess with it.  If you don't, you won't ever really get to know anyone because you'd be too guarded.  So it's part of the deal to leave yourself a bit vulnerable.   But after a month, she vanished. I called, no response.  I texted, no response.   No explanation.  She was just gone.   

 

I think some people on here already know my stance on ghosting.  I think its weak and cowardly.  I think socially irresponsible.   It can make people cold and skeptical and so guarded, that they can end up protecting themselves out of getting to know a decent person who would have been a good catch.  It creates a guarded and hostile dating culture as a result.  I think the birth of social media and texting has made it far more common, giving people who are already inclined to avoid uncomfortable conversations and situations, the perfect environment to do so..which is behind a phone or computer screen.  They can walk away without having to deal or witness the damage they leave behind so they don't have to think about it and are free to just carry on.    I think if those people who are cool with doing it to others, were ghosted themselves by someone they were actually invested in, it'd hurt them just the same.  

Edited December 22, 2019 by Beachead

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 12/21/2019 at 10:48 AM, OatsAndHall said:

 

I went out on a date with a gal I met over Match a few weeks back. Her full body pic was extremely dated and she was much heavier than that pic showed; like 40 pounds heavier. We'd been chatting over the phone for a bit (tough to make plans over the Thanksgiving holiday) and I enjoyed our conversations. But, I wasn't physically attracted to her, she must've sensed it on our date and it wasn't much fun. 

 

So, I had one of three choices; placate her with a lie, tell her that I wasn't attracted to her,  or ghost her. I opted to ghost her. She was going to walk away hurt, no matter what I said, but ghosting her made me the bad guy which hopefully softens things a bit. I wanted to just be honest and tell her she needed to be more forthcoming with her pictures if she wanted to date successfully.

 

I've said it many times on this forum and I'll say it again; I would much rather be ghosted than fed b.s. from a woman. I've done a lot of dating, I've been ghosted a few times and it's much less bothersome than the some of the random garbage I've heard from women. A couple of fun dates, sex, I get "I realized I'm just not ready to date, I'm sorry..." and then they're active on the dating site the next day.

Ghosting after one date is not nearly as bad as ghosting after several dates or after sex, but why not just give a generic "I don't feel a connection. Best of luck." reason?