sishjoshi Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a few months now. I absolutely love this man and we have already spoken about getting married and our future together. Last year, when our relationship was fairly new, I did something terrible. I sent a nude of myself to someone I was previously involved with (not an ex). I was feeling horrible about myself and my body a few weeks prior to this as I had gained 7kg. My boyfriend didn’t help either and just kept making fun of me, calling me fat and that I needed to lose weight to look sexy again. I felt so upset. A few weeks later I was wishing everyone a merry Christmas and sent the guy a message too. We talked and I told him how I was feeling s*** about myself and he asked for a picture. I sent him one (clothed) he said I was beautiful and sexy. He asked for a more revealing picture and I sent it... I don’t know what I was thinking. I was feeling so uplifted about myself and I wanted someone to tell me I was sexy. I immediately regretted it afterwards and felt immense guilt. I quickly ended the conversation and blocked/deleted him off all my social media. I didn’t tell my boyfriend at the time and have since been able to erase that memory and carry on as normal. I have grown so close my boyfriend and I honestly think he could be the one. I made a terrible mistake that I know I would never EVER do it again. I don’t know if I should tell him and relieve myself of this guilt or keep it to myself and spare him the hurt. He told me if I ever cheated then he would leave. I can’t imagine my life without him and he’s told me that he can’t imagine his when we were going through a rough time. (He thought he kissed a girl on a night out) I don’t know as to why only now I am feeling so guilty, probably because it’s coming close to Christmas and we are currently in a long distance and have just grown so close and I don’t want to keep any secrets between us. But I know it will be the end of the relationship. Please any advice it would helpful. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 11 minutes ago, sishjoshi said: I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a few months now. I absolutely love this man and we have already spoken about getting married and our future together. Last year, when our relationship was fairly new, I did something terrible. I sent a nude of myself to someone I was previously involved with (not an ex). I was feeling horrible about myself and my body a few weeks prior to this as I had gained 7kg. My boyfriend didn’t help either and just kept making fun of me, calling me fat and that I needed to lose weight to look sexy again. I felt so upset. A few weeks later I was wishing everyone a merry Christmas and sent the guy a message too. We talked and I told him how I was feeling s*** about myself and he asked for a picture. I sent him one (clothed) he said I was beautiful and sexy. He asked for a more revealing picture and I sent it... I don’t know what I was thinking. I was feeling so uplifted about myself and I wanted someone to tell me I was sexy. I immediately regretted it afterwards and felt immense guilt. I quickly ended the conversation and blocked/deleted him off all my social media. I didn’t tell my boyfriend at the time and have since been able to erase that memory and carry on as normal. I have grown so close my boyfriend and I honestly think he could be the one. I made a terrible mistake that I know I would never EVER do it again. I don’t know if I should tell him and relieve myself of this guilt or keep it to myself and spare him the hurt. He told me if I ever cheated then he would leave. I can’t imagine my life without him and he’s told me that he can’t imagine his when we were going through a rough time. (He thought he kissed a girl on a night out) I don’t know as to why only now I am feeling so guilty, probably because it’s coming close to Christmas and we are currently in a long distance and have just grown so close and I don’t want to keep any secrets between us. But I know it will be the end of the relationship. Please any advice it would helpful. Thank you. 1) most likely, b/c there's so many nudes out there, it'll get lost to it... even if that guy got hacked or whatever. it isn't a big deal. it'll get lost in a sea of self nudes from a million million people... 2) Whether or not to tell your BF.... hmm, that's a tough one... this decision is really up to you. I honestly don't think he needs to know. Unless you seriously did something via text/phone/vid with this guy, i'd say keep it to yourself and forget about it and never let it happen again. 3) to PREVENT this from happening again, you should get therapy. I think your self esteem issues led you to a self-destructive action that could repeat itself whenever you get into a position like this again. Therapy isn't for crazy people, but when your actions causes you and potentially your loved ones hurt... it's time to get help to figure out why you felt that way and why you acted out like that. Trust me, that'll help you long term... much luck to you. and don't worry about it. But get help! Link to post Share on other sites
caveman621 Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 I don't really think you did anything wrong here. My 2 cents: If you feel guilty and can't stop thinking about it then tell him. My guess is that he'll laugh it off as no big deal and the weight will be lifted from your shoulders. If you think you can get past this without telling him, don't. I think it's an extremely remote chance that your BF will ever see it. In other words, I doubt there will be an issue with your new boyfriend, but if it's an issue with you, take care of it. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 The chance of the picture resurfacing should be fairly low unless this man is still within your social circles. If there is any chance that you and he will interact in the future either through mutual friends, work or you frequent the same places then you will have tell your BF. There is a chance that this man will threaten you with the picture. If you will never see him again and he's completely out of your life, I'd forget about it. Even if makes its way to the internet the odds are against anyone recognizing you. There is a lesson to be learned here and I think you have learned it. Now go forth and have a happy life. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 Meh, don't sweat it. This guy probably has better nude pics of other girls. He's most likely deleted or his GF told him to. Don't pay attention to your BF's words...it's just talk. Once people are very invested in a relationship, stuff like that that happened in the past, doesn't have as much threat to a relationship. People are forgiven for a lot worse. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 1 hour ago, sishjoshi said: (He thought he kissed a girl on a night out) Why did he not know whether he kissed a girl or not? (sorry - that distracted me.....) I wouldn't tell him about the picture, for the reasons others have mentioned. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sishjoshi Posted December 19, 2019 Author Share Posted December 19, 2019 7 minutes ago, Finding my way said: Why did he not know whether he kissed a girl or not? (sorry - that distracted me.....) I wouldn't tell him about the picture, for the reasons others have mentioned. He got very drunk on a night out and doesn’t remember. The girl messaged him a few days later saying he leaned in to kiss her but she said no and ran away. He doesn’t remember this happening at all and the girl was a close friend of mine which he says he isn’t attracted to at all. And also she has been previously involved with his friend and broke his heart. We have since moved past this since we really don’t know what happened and don’t want to break up over someone else’s perspective/assumption Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 Sending the photo was wrong. It is likely not going to resurface, though. However, I’m concerned that your boyfriend was making fun of you and calling you fat. Is he generally a jerk like that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sishjoshi Posted December 20, 2019 Author Share Posted December 20, 2019 (edited) 7 hours ago, 2BGoodAgain said: 1) most likely, b/c there's so many nudes out there, it'll get lost to it... even if that guy got hacked or whatever. it isn't a big deal. it'll get lost in a sea of self nudes from a million million people... 2) Whether or not to tell your BF.... hmm, that's a tough one... this decision is really up to you. I honestly don't think he needs to know. Unless you seriously did something via text/phone/vid with this guy, i'd say keep it to yourself and forget about it and never let it happen again. 3) to PREVENT this from happening again, you should get therapy. I think your self esteem issues led you to a self-destructive action that could repeat itself whenever you get into a position like this again. Therapy isn't for crazy people, but when your actions causes you and potentially your loved ones hurt... it's time to get help to figure out why you felt that way and why you acted out like that. Trust me, that'll help you long term... much luck to you. and don't worry about it. But get help! Hi, thank you for ur reply, I should probably make clear that when I mean nude, it was a revealing picture of me in my bra and underwear, I think that constitutes as a nude in my book because I am not one to show off my body too much. It was sent over snapchat and the other guy did not screenshot anything so nothing should’ve been shared or circulating anywhere. I still feel so bad and feel as though I need to explain my situation to him and hopefully he will understand. I love him more than anything and don’t want to build a relationship if there isn’t trust and honesty from the beginning. I hate myself for becoming so insecure and letting my self esteem get so low that I did things that would ultimately hurt others and my relationship. I have definitely learnt from this and hope to move past this. Thanks Edited December 20, 2019 by sishjoshi Typos and adding more information Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 (edited) 7 hours ago, sishjoshi said: I was feeling horrible about myself and my body a few weeks prior to this as I had gained 7kg. My boyfriend didn’t help either and just kept making fun of me, calling me fat and that I needed to lose weight to look sexy again. I felt so upset. Quote I have grown so close my boyfriend and I honestly think he could be the one. So, I assume he has stopped putting you down? Edited December 20, 2019 by CautiouslyOptimistic Link to post Share on other sites
Author sishjoshi Posted December 20, 2019 Author Share Posted December 20, 2019 12 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: So, I assume he has stopped putting you down? Yeah, I had multiple talks to him about the jokes he was making about my weight and how it really made me feel insecure and bad about myself. He understood and very rarely does it now Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 One phase...when we first started dating... I'm a believer in new relationship grace periods. When you first start up until you have a commitment conversation you really dont owe him fidelity. That also explains the delayed guilt. Simply put, you were not that into him at the time. So until you talked about being exclusive you really have no need to tell. Now if he asks, that's a different matter all together. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 8 hours ago, sishjoshi said: Yeah, I had multiple talks to him about the jokes he was making about my weight and how it really made me feel insecure and bad about myself. He understood and very rarely does it now So in other words, he does indeed still do it. I would worry less about a poor choice you seem to have learned from, and more about the fact that your boyfriend repeatedly does something that he knows me hurts you. It should not require “multiple” talks to correct this. Making fun of your body should not be something he very rarely does; it should be something he never does. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 19 hours ago, caveman621 said: My guess is that he'll laugh it off as no big deal and the weight will be lifted from your shoulders. In what world would that happen? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 19 hours ago, sishjoshi said: He got very drunk on a night out and doesn’t remember. The girl messaged him a few days later saying he leaned in to kiss her but she said no and ran away. He doesn’t remember this happening at all and the girl was a close friend of mine which he says he isn’t attracted to at all. And also she has been previously involved with his friend and broke his heart. We have since moved past this since we really don’t know what happened and don’t want to break up over someone else’s perspective/assumption So your boyfriend: 1. drinks til he blacks out and can't remember what he did/said 2. makes fun of you, calls you fat and (tells you) that you needed to lose weight--not as often, but he still does it You need to decide who you love more: this lout or yourself. It's clear from what you've written that you haven't much regard for your own esteem--how do you expect for anyone else to have any for you? They're following your example. Do you need this relationship or something? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sishjoshi Posted December 20, 2019 Author Share Posted December 20, 2019 6 minutes ago, kendahke said: So your boyfriend: 1. drinks til he blacks out and can't remember what he did/said 2. makes fun of you, calls you fat and (tells you) that you needed to lose weight--not as often, but he still does it You need to decide who you love more: this lout or yourself. It's clear from what you've written that you haven't much regard for your own esteem--how do you expect for anyone else to have any for you? They're following your example. Do you need this relationship or something? He isn’t much of a drinker and doesn’t go clubbing regularly but I think he overdid it that night because it was the last day of the semester before Christmas break. I’m sure a lot of people have been in that position where they’ve had one too many drinks sometimes. Otherwise he is quite responsible with his drinking. I agree that I do need to work on my self esteem, I’ve always had problems with that and currently do see a therapist for my anxiety etc. I don’t need this relationship but I really do enjoy being with him and no one is perfect, I sometimes call him too skinny and say he needs to put on weight. I think the weight comments that he makes have the best intentions for me because I am currently overweight and he just wants me to be healthier. As being overweight can lead to a number of health problems (diabetes and heart disease runs in my family) which he probably doesn’t want me to develop. Some comments I do agree that he has said in the past were just plain hurtful which I have spoken to him about and he has completely stopped. He also only mentions my weight if I mention it first. I tell him I’m getting a bit too chubby to which he agrees. Which you could say is better than lying and saying I’ve not gained weight. he still says I’m beautiful and sexy now as he has realised that those comments before hurt me and he says he still loves me no matter what weight I am Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 OMG... that's not a nude! lol. you're be alright.. don't even tell your bf... lol... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 On 12/20/2019 at 11:06 AM, sishjoshi said: I really do enjoy being with him and no one is perfect, I sometimes call him too skinny and say he needs to put on weight. then it would appear that you need to grow thicker skin and take the fat shaming in stride. Link to post Share on other sites
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