Ex gf won’t give closure

[Bluestarbluemoon]

Hi all,

 

I need somewhere to get my thoughts and feelings out about a really awful breakup I’ve been experiencing and would be grateful for any advice or commentary.

 

I’m a 27 year old male and I was recently in a one year long relationship with a 41 year old woman (I know - quite an age gap!). Although we had our ups and downs, I was genuinely happy with her and was planning for a future together. Despite our relationship only lasting one year - it hit me very hard and is like nothing I’ve experienced before.

About six weeks ago, her father sadly passed away after a long illness. It was on holiday a month afterwards that she told me she no longer wanted me in her life as she wants to focus on herself. She reassured me that she is not looking for someone else but my gut instinct and her past behaviours say otherwise. This has caused massive arguments since the breakup and she has lost all respect for me.

 

In June, I was using her iPad and a notification from a dating app appeared. Naturally I opened it and saw that she had been giving her number to random guys online, meanwhile I was working to take her on holiday and provide a future for her, while being loyal to her. She promised that she only texted these people and I took her word and forgave her. I now accept that she is a cheater and a liar.

She found it so easy to break up and doesn’t care at all. She’s even trying to spite me by blocking me on WhatsApp and WeChat and even booked a holiday to my country (UK), arriving on the day I leave back from my Christmas holiday to Singapore. I’ve never felt so betrayed and worthless in my life. 

 

The thought of her disregarding everything I did for her and not giving a damn about me is making me ill and angry. I’ve asked for closure and for her to be honest about the betrayal on the dating app, but she refused to give it and got angry.

 

The more I look back, the more I can see that she was troubled. She had been married for 15 years but her marriage broke down due - she says - to her husband cheating on her (I believe this is why she betrayed me). She doesn’t have any children and probably never will be able to, which is a major issue for her.

 

I was aware that she had these issues from the beginning but I instantly fell for her and loved her. I wanted nothing more than to care and be there for her.
 

Now, I no longer love her and actually feel sorry for her as she obviously has many screws lose. She works a pretty s*** job and in the grand scheme of things is a nobody, but I want closure.
 

How can I go about getting it? 

[basil67]

Closure is something you give yourself.   Write yourself a letter about why it's best that this ended.  Think about what you've learned, what you'd do differently and give thanks that it's all over so that you can start again.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Closure won’t come from her. 

 

It comes from you accepting that the relationship is over, and that you are better off without her. 

[Bluestarbluemoon]

Thanks basil67. I’ve tried that before, but I still can’t get off my mind not knowing the full truth. I’m at a point now, where I just want her to suffer for the rest of her life.

[Mrin]

34 minutes ago, Bluestarbluemoon said:

 I’m at a point now, where I just want her to suffer for the rest of her life.

 

That's pretty dark dude. I'd suggest working to clear that "want". That being said, a few things for you to try on:

 

1. She doesn't owe you anything. I'm not saying that to defend her - she honestly sounds like an unpleasant person. I'm saying that because it is the truth. Once you are out of a relationship, you owe each other nothing. And you need to be okay with that.

2. Why would you want an apology and an admission of wrongdoing now? An apology and an admission of wrongdoing are just words unless there is intent behind them. She obviously doesn't feel apologetic or like she did anything worthy of an admission of wrongdoing. So why do you want to hear the words? They're meaningless. 

3. If we unpack this a bit we might conclude that you want to be "right". But even that's a lie. If she just says the words to you that doesn't mean you're "right". It just means that she said some words to shut you up. It doesn't mean you're "right". Honestly, the closest thing you can get to being "right" is to have your friends and family and even total strangers like here on LoveShack say you're right. Okay, I personally think what she did was a betrayal of you and did you wrong. I'm pretty sure most people would read the facts you shared and say the same thing. So you're right. Feel any better?

4. Didn't think so. So why do you want this then? One word - POWER. You want to hear the words (meaningless as they may be) to feel some sense of power. Power over her. You made her appologize to you. You reclaimed some sense of power. 

5. Which, by the way, it totally normal. She betrayed your trust. She dumped you. She cast you aside. She turned her back on you. It is perfectly normal to feel powerless because, well, you are powerless in this situation. And that sucks. Sucks bad. Consider yourself man hugged.

6. But you see, you have no power over her. In situations like this the power you have is the power that is given to you by the other person. She took hers back, and you have no power. Stop chasing this. Because...

7. In your mad scramble for "closure" which is really just trying to regain power, you are still giving your power to her. You are empowering her by this. She holds all the cards, because you gave and continue to give them to her. Willingly. 

8. Stop it. Just stop it. 

 

Look man. You're a 27 year old dude. You've got  your whole life ahead of you. Take back your power. Turn your back to her. Go live an amazing life. Because, in the end, that's the best revenge. Far sweeter too. Take it from me. 

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

 

Edited December 19, 2019 by Mrin

[d0nnivain]

Closure comes from with in.  You can't get it from her.  Stop trying. 

 

You are also projecting about how easy it was for her to break up with you.  You don't actually know what is going on in her mind.  Her father died. Her whole world just went upside down.  She needs time to regroup.  I went into a funk for 5 YEARS after my parents died.  Stop making this about you.  She's in emotional agony right now.  

 

Yes it sucks when a relationship ends but once she told you it was over that was all the closure you get from her.  She doesn't owe you anything at this point.  You would be well served to give her some compassion considering her loss & mourning.  

 

None of the decisions she made about her travel plans had anything to do with you after she broke up with you.  It's a coincidence not a deliberate slap. 

Edited December 19, 2019 by d0nnivain

[Bluestarbluemoon]

Thank you all for your comments. It seems like this is something that has to be resolved from within. I should just accept that this will never change and wish her the best of luck.

[Mrin]

1 hour ago, Bluestarbluemoon said:

Thank you all for your comments. It seems like this is something that has to be resolved from within. I should just accept that this will never change and wish her the best of luck.

 

Exactly. Right on. Go with it!

[Piddy]

I believe that you can get closure (an explanation) from someone, but the person giving it needs to have compassion.  She doesn't sound very compassionate though.  So you just have to let time do it's thing.

[d0nnivain]

You don't even have to wish her well.  You do have to accept her decision to end things & you have to find your own closure.   Sometimes closure comes years later.  

 

I saw one EX a few years later.  He informed me his wife was 8.5 months pregnant & then he told me she was having a C-section because he didn't want to be inconvenienced by a baby who showed up on it's schedule rather then his.  What an "I dodged a bullet" moment for me.  I would have been furious if he tried that with me & told him so.  He smugly replied that was why he & I didn't marry & have kids.  OMG! 

 

Even though I broke up with another EX & thought I was done (closure), when DH & I were marrying even though it was relatively without drama planning a wedding was still stressful.  Somewhere in there it hit me that even the few little bumps in the road DH & I hit would have derailed my relationship with that other EX which is exactly why I did the right thing ending that relationship.  

 

You just never know when you will be well & truly done but you do get there through no input from your EX.  

[fromheart]

She dumped you, she has to go.  Her decision.  She's had a rough one, but you can't be there for someone who doesn't want you.  Still unstable at 41?  Probably will always be. 

Date women closer to your age man, she was too old for you and there was no future in it.  There's many women in their 20's who are single and in their child birth prime.  These are the ones to think about long term partnerships with.

Edited December 20, 2019 by fromheart

[JTSW]

You're not going to get anything from her and you need to accept that. 

She doesn't care so you shouldn't either.

Think of it as a lucky escape from a messed up person.

[The Outlaw]

Very few people are worth the grief you're giving this woman. You had a hunch that she wasn't being entirely truthful to you and she wasn't. As already said, closure is something you have to do yourself, and this woman isn't worth it. It may hurt like hell, but she did you the best favor she possibly could. Be thankful that this happened now before it developed into something more serious. 

[Bluestarbluemoon]

Your comments are all really helpful and have put into perspective my former relationship with her. There are plenty of better women out there, that will be more than she ever was.

[2BGoodAgain]

yes you need closure. 

no, you don't need it from her.

 

even if you got her to talk to you, it won't make you feel any better...

 

listen, she prob enjoyed the feeling you made her feel, but that's what she wanted.. the way you made her feel, not you yourself.

 

the reason she was able to move on so easily is b/c she found someone else to make her feel good. I don't just mean sexually, but whatever internal needs she has.

 

the best thing to get closure on this is what everyone above wrote.

 

write a list... of all the reasons why this is a bad relationship, even if she hadn't moved on.

 

list them. write them down on paper.. or in your phone. And whenever you feel weak in the knees or wanna contact her or curious about her... look up that list. to remind you how little she regarded your heart.

 

protect yourself, grow and be a better human being.

 

good luck!

Edited December 20, 2019 by 2BGoodAgain

[nolanola]

OP,  I am sorry this turned out so badly. That is sometimes one of the hardest things to accept - that the hopes and dreams that we had for someone or something just won't happen. That we are going to have a different future than the one we had thought we would. That the person we loved didn't live up to what we thought they would. And I think that's one of the things that we grieve the most because we just want things to go back to what we think they should be or could have been. 

 

I would echo what so many others have said. Closure is not something she can give you, no matter what she says. The reason that she broke it off is really not important. The reality is that she didn't see a future in a relationship with you. It's as hard and as simple as that. That is all you need to know to get up and start walking. From here on out, you focus on yourself and doing what will make your life amazing. Let her go and do what she needs to do - she is no longer your concern. 

 

I understand the anger - I think that is part of grieving the loss of someone. It will get better. Please don't do anything about it that you might regret. One day you will be over her (I promise!!) but if you do something stupid it might haunt you for the rest of your life. Just acknowledge that you are angry and that you feel terrible right now. It will get better and someday you will feel so much less. 

 

Did you ever see that movie Swingers? If you haven't, I highly recommend. The main character is going through a breakup and is having a hard time. He asks his friend about how he got over his breakup and the guy says "I don't know. Every day it hurts a tiny bit less and one day you wake up and it doesn't hurt at all" - this is so true. I know it doesn't seem true right now, but I'm a little over a year from heartbreak and have improved so much - it's taken me a long time to get here, but I'm so thankful that I walked away from someone that was never going to give me what I wanted. You will get there. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, chill. 

 

You say this woman was betraying ... thus suggesting that you should have dumped her and should celebrate that the relationship (and its betrayals) is over.

 

And then you go in the opposite direction saying you're hurt and want her to suffer and need closure.

 

As others have said, there is no closure. In fact the only closure you can achieve is the close of reviewing the relationship and asking about your own role. If you knew this woman was cheating (or at least giving men her number) why didn't you walk out then? You need to get closure with yourself on this! ... Why did you betray yourself her?!

 

Then you say she's trouble and insecure and has a bad job ... Ok, something is wrong. You can't have it both ways ... You can't say on the one hand that you're grieving the loss of this amazing relationship ... and then on the other hand, berate her and criticize her. 

 

Why didn't you protect yourself in this relationship? Why did you continue to trust her and open up to after you saw messages with other men? She can't give you closure there. That's not her job. It's your job to make sense of the breakup. 

 

There's a lot you can learn here--if you would relax a little bit and take some responsibility ... If she was such a bad con artist, why you were so slow to escape the con? 

 

Sounds like your dating skills and confidence need some updated software here. 

 

 

[PinkFlamingo]

On 12/19/2019 at 10:13 PM, Bluestarbluemoon said:

She works a pretty s*** job and in the grand scheme of things is a nobody, but I want closure.

 

That is an interesting comment about a former lover.

[PinkFlamingo]

On 12/20/2019 at 4:57 AM, d0nnivain said:

You don't even have to wish her well.  You do have to accept her decision to end things & you have to find your own closure.   Sometimes closure comes years later.  

 

I saw one EX a few years later.  He informed me his wife was 8.5 months pregnant & then he told me she was having a C-section because he didn't want to be inconvenienced by a baby who showed up on it's schedule rather then his.  What an "I dodged a bullet" moment for me.  I would have been furious if he tried that with me & told him so.  He smugly replied that was why he & I didn't marry & have kids.  OMG! 

 

Even though I broke up with another EX & thought I was done (closure), when DH & I were marrying even though it was relatively without drama planning a wedding was still stressful.  Somewhere in there it hit me that even the few little bumps in the road DH & I hit would have derailed my relationship with that other EX which is exactly why I did the right thing ending that relationship.  

 

You just never know when you will be well & truly done but you do get there through no input from your EX.  

 

I love your post. I have a tendency to fantasize and have a thousands regrets and what-ifs running through my head, but there is probably a good reason when things didn't work out.

[spiderowl]

When someone lets you know they do not want any further engagement or discussion, then that's it.  It is hard to cope with but only you can find closure now.

 

If you insist on seeking closure from her beyond the point mentioned above, then really this is your way of trying to make the relationship continue in some form, if only in an angry and heated interaction.  Sadly, you need to accept it is over.

 

You already know she was seeking attention from others before you split up, so you know she was not fully focused on you any more.  That is harsh and it hurts but you have your answer and closure there.  She checked out.

 

People do just fall out of love or lose interest in their partner.  Sometimes, there are incompatibilities that make a relationship prone to failure anyway - or at least one sees incompatibilities as a problem but the other doesn't.  When you feel you have been drawn into trusting and believing the other person truly loved you for what you are, it is a huge blow to find out that is no longer the case.  In fact, she may still love you but does not feel the relationship was the right one for her.

 

Find a way to express your anger and hurt elsewhere.  Some throw themselves into sports or the gym - I don't know if that really helps or not.  There is always therapy too, it gives you someone to talk to about the pain and confusion you are feeling.

 

The age gap might have been significant too.  She is at a different stage in life and may not feel you understand that.  It doesn't matter how mature someone is, someone 10 years older is going to be aware of the difference in perceptions and experience, even if the younger person is not.

 

Please do not try to engage her in 'closure' discussions.  You have been honourable and loved her.  You have done nothing wrong.  Remind yourself of that and that you will find someone who appreciates that integrity.  There is always a horrible 'unfinished' aspect to an unexpected relationship break-up. It fades with time when you accept that no answers will really bring comfort or closure.  Don't use a need for closure as a way to hang on to her.  That is only going to prolong the hurt.

Edited December 22, 2019 by spiderowl

[scooby-philly]

On 12/19/2019 at 5:07 PM, Mrin said:

 

That's pretty dark dude. I'd suggest working to clear that "want". That being said, a few things for you to try on:

 

1. She doesn't owe you anything. I'm not saying that to defend her - she honestly sounds like an unpleasant person. I'm saying that because it is the truth. Once you are out of a relationship, you owe each other nothing. And you need to be okay with that.

2. Why would you want an apology and an admission of wrongdoing now? An apology and an admission of wrongdoing are just words unless there is intent behind them. She obviously doesn't feel apologetic or like she did anything worthy of an admission of wrongdoing. So why do you want to hear the words? They're meaningless. 

3. If we unpack this a bit we might conclude that you want to be "right". But even that's a lie. If she just says the words to you that doesn't mean you're "right". It just means that she said some words to shut you up. It doesn't mean you're "right". Honestly, the closest thing you can get to being "right" is to have your friends and family and even total strangers like here on LoveShack say you're right. Okay, I personally think what she did was a betrayal of you and did you wrong. I'm pretty sure most people would read the facts you shared and say the same thing. So you're right. Feel any better?

4. Didn't think so. So why do you want this then? One word - POWER. You want to hear the words (meaningless as they may be) to feel some sense of power. Power over her. You made her appologize to you. You reclaimed some sense of power. 

5. Which, by the way, it totally normal. She betrayed your trust. She dumped you. She cast you aside. She turned her back on you. It is perfectly normal to feel powerless because, well, you are powerless in this situation. And that sucks. Sucks bad. Consider yourself man hugged.

6. But you see, you have no power over her. In situations like this the power you have is the power that is given to you by the other person. She took hers back, and you have no power. Stop chasing this. Because...

7. In your mad scramble for "closure" which is really just trying to regain power, you are still giving your power to her. You are empowering her by this. She holds all the cards, because you gave and continue to give them to her. Willingly. 

8. Stop it. Just stop it. 

 

Look man. You're a 27 year old dude. You've got  your whole life ahead of you. Take back your power. Turn your back to her. Go live an amazing life. Because, in the end, that's the best revenge. Far sweeter too. Take it from me. 

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

 

If I could super like something 100 times - this would be the quote of the week or even the month. Especially if you got blind sided by the dump - it hurts and it stings. As an emotional and sensitive guy, my recent break up was soul crushing. But...as this and every other decent response has said - closure only comes from the inside. Move on, cry, shout, scream, let your feelings come and don't bottle them up. Find a friend, a sibling, some people that you can trust and can lean on when you're down and let them help you pick yourself back up. People today have the wrong expectations about life and a relationship. Find someone who gives as much as you and loves you for you. And moving forward - you have to learn (as I do) that you need to pause early on and really examine the Forest from the Trees. As they said...41 and still not emotionally mature, stable, honest, etc., - that's a major red flag. 

[VIOLET EDEN]

On 12/19/2019 at 5:07 PM, Mrin said:

 

 

2. Why would you want an apology and an admission of wrongdoing now? An apology and an admission of wrongdoing are just words unless there is intent behind them. She obviously doesn't feel apologetic or like she did anything worthy of an admission of wrongdoing. So why do you want to hear the words? They're meaningless. 

 

On 12/19/2019 at 5:07 PM, Mrin said:

I agree with Mrin, there will be no closure if what she tells you or apologizes isn't genuine. Trust me I would know, its better to give it time and work it on your own, then try to lean off an insincere apology