Let entrepreneur boyfriend borrow my car?

[Finding my wat]

My boyfriend had some really bad luck when we moved in together and got his rental car and my car impounded after letting a friend tell him it was okay to park somewhere it wasn’t. He immediately got mine out but wanted to wait a bit more time to get his own out until he recovered some finances that he thought he would in time. 
 

Here’s the dilemma...When we met a year ago he was making a lot of money and very independent. Now, as entrepreneurship often goes, he is experiencing a low. Unfortunately his car being impounded took the cake at a time when we moved and he was attempting to get back on his feet financially so 4 months later and it’s still in there. He had been renting until he could buy a new one altogether. I was letting him borrow my car at first but this responsibility just feel so fast for me. I know if the shoe were on the other foot he wouldn’t hesitate to help me, but I am a wee bit traditional and think that a woman shouldn’t really have to do this so early in a relationship.

 

I am 33 and he is 30 and truly care about him, but just feel annoyed and put out by this so early on in our journey. He buys me food and pays bills...though he has a hard time paying for rent on time currently. Ugh, writing this makes me feel a little foolish. I think he’s very smart and his business will succeed ultimately (great market, great timing), so I’m inclined to help him...to help us for the long run. (He truly loves me and talks about future plans more than I do).

 

But the other part of me just wants this lease to end so we can move on bc these things are so risky financially.(I have student loan debt up the wazoo so I am not judging, just not sure I feel rught about this).  In between time, him having my car when I’m not using it would be super helpful to expedite his business processes.

 

But I just don’t want to share right now (even though he shares all the time). So conflicted. Any constructive ideas are welcome! 

Edited December 20, 2019 by Finding my wat

[preraph]

I know one thing. He is running up one heck of a bill at the impound Center. he could probably buy a new car for how much that's going to cost him after this long. Is he even keeping track of how much he owes there? you should ask him if he knows how much it's going to cost to get that car out because it's going to be astronomical and if he has not kept up with it that he's probably not responsible enough to loan the car to.

[Finding my wat]

Yea he’s aware of the amount. 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

3 minutes ago, Finding my wat said:

Yea he’s aware of the amount. 

They can probably just be entitled to the vehicle at some point.

 

People who are financially irresponsible are usually not the best relationship partners and when they are good partners, its because they gamble with their own assets... The fact that he is dipping into your assets speaks to this.

 

Maybe his car is not even impounded, maybe he sold it or something and is lying, like why would your car be impounded for 4 months? It sounds pretty sketchy to me, like this story, just at face value, doesn't make a whole lot of sense... I think you should examine this situation a little more clearly with less emotional attachment.

[RecentChange]

Sounds like he makes extremely foolish financial decisions. 

 

Renting a car to be your daily driver makes no sense. You are better off riding a bike or buying a clunker for $1,000 - renting a car is just throwing money down a rat hole. 

 

And then to get it impounded and leave it there?! Holy s*** how is he ever going to get out of that hole?

 

My husband and I were young and broke once. He rode a bike, got up super early to take busses. I got up early and spent extra time driving around because we shared one cheap car at times.

 

Renting a car - never considered it because that would be throwing money away. Might as well light it on fire.  

 

If he makes these poor choices regarding money - I wonder how he is making sound financial decisions regarding his "entrepreneurship" is being managed.

 

If he used to have good money and now he has none.... Sounds like he hasn't managed it well. 

 

As for the impound - not clear if it's a rental or a lease - but either way, four months? They will likely be auctioning that car off soon.

 

Beg steal or borrow - you don't let a car sit in impound. 

Edited December 20, 2019 by RecentChange

[Finding my wat]

Good points ugh! Sooo a couple of things to clarify. I actually make a really good salary currently...my status changed during the course of us dating. So I feel kinda s***ty watching him suffer, but also don’t want to be responsible for him at this stage @RecentChange you mention you were both broke and worked together to resolve it. I’m not sure how much to work with him since it’s a wee bit unequal. Also he’s been working his butt off to try and change the circumstance back to where he was...and I see him getting there slowly but again...it feels so early for me to be helping. 
 

ok...so the impounded car is not actually under his name so it won’t be affecting credit (his or anyone else’s). The place here borrowed it from was a bit shady and just was excited to have someone paying regularly as he was. He was planning to buy a car next and was just using it until he figured out the what he wanted/best deal and was re-stable so he could make buy it outright. 

[Finding my wat]

@CAPSLOCK BANDIT When we went to get my car out, I saw his there too, so I know he isn’t lying. 

[RecentChange]

Do you know how impounds work?

 

They auction off the car and then BILL the owner their fees. You are stuck with no car and a lot of debt. I doubt the "shady" place will be thrilled with a court ordered collection notice which will be coming. At that point they will come after your BF. Is he paying for a car not in his possession while it incurs more debt? If so, that's insanity. And the fact he hasn't had it for 4 months and survived shows he shouldn't have had it in the first place. 

 

And you're right, we worked together - we were also 21 and 23 and just out of college - hence being so broke. 

 

These days I earn 6 figures, and my husband earns less - but that's okay, it's still "our" money and I can trust him to make good choices with our money.

 

Whats the end goal here? A life together and marriage? If so, you do have to think long and hard if you want to support him, because it's definitely a possibility.

 

If you two are living together and committed, you should be making sound financial decisions together. Right now it sounds like he can't even pay rent - and is ignoring fairly major things like an impounded car. Personally that would never work for me. He's old enough he should know better by now 

Edited December 20, 2019 by RecentChange

[Finding my wat]

Thanks for your feedback @RecentChange. My heart is where you are with this haha. I want to wait until the lease ends (in around  6 mos) to make any decisions though as I want to give him time to get his things together. Irresponsible or not, he has a great heart. I just moved to the big city we live in a few months before we met so I’m on track individually to where I want to be here. This feels a bit sidetracked but also..it wasn’t so when he was doing well. Ugh. Live and learn I guess 

Edited December 20, 2019 by Finding my wat

[Finding my wat]

Also I’m near 6 figures myself. Hoping my raise next year will topple into it 

Edited December 20, 2019 by Finding my wat

[preraph]

I hate to say it but what I suspect is going on why he hasn't gotten the car out of impound is because like you said the whole thing with that car is sticky and so I don't think he has proof of title to provide for them to release the car to him. It could even be stolen or hot or have hot parts on it, and if so he may not even want them to know he's associated with the car. 

 

So he sounds shady to me. And I'm saying no to helping him out in any financial way. And you need to be careful he doesn't drag you into something shady.

[RecentChange]

10 minutes ago, Finding my wat said:

Also I’m near 6 figures myself. Hoping my raise next year will topple into it 

 

And do you want to jeopardize that, or support your financially irresponsible BF with your income? You also mentioned school debt. 

 

Maybe like you said, let the lease term expire - and you both get your own places for a bit while your BF figures things out. 

 

Being an "entrepreneur" is extremely risky - more fail than succeed. Does he have a backup plan? Are you comfortable with high risk when it comes to household income (personally I am not - that is why I have done the corporate grind).

 

I am also troubled that he was "making a lot" and now can't cover getting a car out of haulk or sounds like part of his rent. What happened to his savings? Was he spending money as fast as he made it? That was less than a year ago that he was "doing well" correct? How is his business doing now? What does the business plan for 2020 project?

 

All I know is what you have presented here - and it stinks. He isn't making the kinds of choices I would want my partner making.

 

A home - a life together is kinda like a business. Together you two need to manage it. Do you really trust him to make sound decisions and pull his weight.

 

What IS his plan with the car? Has he formulated one?

 

[Finding my wat]

@RecentChangeyour statements hit right to the core. Thanks...I needed that. Yes, I have student loan debt...went to an expensive college and stayed for grad school before I truly understood how things worked. Graduated during the recession in 2008 so good job prospects in the creative fields....were hard to come by...I took a low-paying job for a year (partly to stay away from my financially irresponsible and emotionally draining family (oooh, I see what’s happening here lmao), but ended up going back to grad school after that year (same school). The school opened up many opportunities for me but I admittedly didn’t necessarily want these opportunities. I’m grateful, but if I was less codependent at that time on my mother’s advice and wishes for me to be extremely well-rounded  and if I truly understood student loans/money, I would’ve gone to a less expensive school (still far away from home) and focused on what I was truly passionate about. My life journey has been me trying to get back to that while supporting myself to do so (and paying back my loans lol). 
 

I think I have soft spot in my heart for this guy bc he is similar and has similar familial issues. 
 

I agree it is a partnership...and honestly am still learning as I go how to navigate this stuff with other people. I’ve always been the smart kid, but financially...after reading many books and articles on the topic myself...I see is so difficult to shift away from completely when it’s how you were raised. I am further along than my family and it’s a constant stride for me. 
 

I think he’s going to leave the car and is banking on how well his business trajectory is to deal with any possible  future lawsuit. 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

You sound like you are in sugar mama mentality with this guy. If you can afford it, great, if you are still renting and what not, I would strongly recommend you become more stable than this before being a sugar mama to some young pup

[Finding my wat]

@CAPSLOCK BANDITwell...actually the opposite was the case haha. And I don’t give him any money whatsoever. I am very stable thank goodness now. Near 6 figure salary, smart, and considered to be pretty to most. The only...and I mean only debt I have is student loan debt. And I can pay that with ease with my current salary

[Finding my wat]

@CAPSLOCK BANDIT if it weren’t for his help initially the hump from moving to a new city and working a low salary job (great for the resume though), and transitioning to my current job would’ve been a lot more difficult and maybe longer. 

[major_merrick]

Personally, I wouldn't pay the impound fees.  I'd either break my car out or torch the place.  But that's just me...you do what you feel is right.  I wouldn't lend my things to someone who has a history of bad judgement calls.  Your BF may need to grow up a bit.  And if you are making a 6 figure salary, why are you with a dude who can't buy a car?  For a stable relationship, the guy should be making more money than the girl.  I know that is totally different than what modern/feminist logic will tell you, but women typically don't respect a guy who can't take care of himself, let alone other people.  Instinct rules.