major_merrick Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 I kind of realized something tonight. I was watching my husband working with his team, and when he finished for the night I kind of sat aside and watched his other partners and his kids interact with him. He's totally confident, and in control. Feminist logic tells me that may not be the best thing. My instinct gets me totally hot and really proud to be having his kids. Reflecting on my past relationships, I'm realizing that I am drawn to power. Now, I'm also drawn to kindness in my partners, but I like being protected by someone who has power. Probably because I grew up on the low end of society. The girl that I almost married had a good-paying career. When I lived in a commune, I was dating the commune administrator/commander. With the exception of my GFs, I've always found myself in long-term relationships that involve someone of relatively high status. With my husband, he combines power with some typically "good" traits such as kindness, responsibility, logic, and creativity. I sometimes see some cracks in his confidence, but usually he's got everything figured out and under control. How sustainable is my attraction long-term? We've been close for 20 years, which is a good sign...but I want this to last the rest of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 only God can make your attraction long-term 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 my AP had this thing about that... not necessarily power, but success... later on, she realized, she married what was good on paper, but she also wanted to be desired, etc... the point is... your attraction to him depends on both of you, but mostly you... he can change, but you can change with him or not.. or change/realize what you needed in the past, may not be what you need in the future, or mebbe need more on top of what he's already got.. if you find peace with him now.. then accept that and move on day by day and don't over think it too far into the future.. no one can really tell the future... no matter how hard you plan it. If it's an issue right now, that's a different story.. but if you are happy where you are... then accept that peace and live for today... i think you're just afraid to lose a good thing and you're worried about it. Fear has no logic, it's just a feeling... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 OP, no doubt you've been around many powerful and confident men in your life. Why are you with one of them and not the others? Rinse and repeat for any other explanation of physical or psychological characteristics. IMO, attraction, that chemical and emotional process that brings together and bonds humans, is very individual and each of us is unique so our processes, both short-term and long-term, will be unique to us. Think about how many humans you've been attracted to, short-term and long-term, in your life. How many are you with now? When you're elderly how do you think that'll go? What happened with all those others? That process, my version of it anyway, has been a rare one for me so only married once and now single for a long time. I'd rather be alone than compromise on that elemental bonding process and desire to be with another human through thick and thin, good and bad, everything. Short-sighted? IDK. Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 1 minute ago, carhill said: OP, no doubt you've been around many powerful and confident men in your life. Why are you with one of them and not the others? Rinse and repeat for any other explanation of physical or psychological characteristics. IMO, attraction, that chemical and emotional process that brings together and bonds humans, is very individual and each of us is unique so our processes, both short-term and long-term, will be unique to us. Think about how many humans you've been attracted to, short-term and long-term, in your life. How many are you with now? When you're elderly how do you think that'll go? What happened with all those others? That process, my version of it anyway, has been a rare one for me so only married once and now single for a long time. I'd rather be alone than compromise on that elemental bonding process and desire to be with another human through thick and thin, good and bad, everything. Short-sighted? IDK. i guess it depends on the person then... risk being alone or risk finding someone? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 (edited) I think you have probably found (some of) the things that make you feel attracted in him. An alpha male who's nice to you and cares for you. Expecting it to last LT may not be completely realistic. If he changes (or circumstances change) you may not find him that attractive anymore. Hopefully that won't happen, but it could. A relationship exists because both people choose to continue it. Try to continue to be a person he will want to choose to stay with, and try to help him continue to be a person you will want to choose to stay with as well. There are no guarantees (which doesn't at all mean that things can't work out well). Also "attraction" isn't the only thing that can hold a relationship together. Practical considerations may often do this as well. Edited December 20, 2019 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
Brennan72 Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 While it is perfectly reasonable to be attracted to power and success, it can be a problem as well. If your husband ever gets seriously ill or loses his job, what then? Are you going to lose your attraction to him and start looking elsewhere. The subtext here seems to be that you are doubtful of the long-term success of this marriage. Your husband isn't a human doing, he is a human being. Link to post Share on other sites
Author major_merrick Posted December 20, 2019 Author Share Posted December 20, 2019 8 hours ago, alphamale said: only God can make your attraction long-term True. Since God has been in this thing from the beginning, I'm relying on that help. 7 hours ago, carhill said: OP, no doubt you've been around many powerful and confident men in your life. Why are you with one of them and not the others? Rinse and repeat for any other explanation of physical or psychological characteristics. I think for me it has been a combination of opportunity and attachment. He's been there for me at the worst times, and has a long track-record of being good to me. I distrust almost all other men and have not wanted to be around them. My husband's power and confidence is balanced by his good nature. Normally men can't attract me or charm me at all. 5 hours ago, Brennan72 said: While it is perfectly reasonable to be attracted to power and success, it can be a problem as well. If your husband ever gets seriously ill or loses his job, what then? Are you going to lose your attraction to him and start looking elsewhere. The subtext here seems to be that you are doubtful of the long-term success of this marriage. Your husband isn't a human doing, he is a human being. I've always had some reservations about marrying him. We were engaged for the first time many years ago and I broke it off. I went through with it the second time 2 years ago, and now I've got kids. But I'm still a bit nervous about it. IDK why. I've had several failed relationships in the past. Sometimes someone else did wrong, other times I did. It's just always in the back of my mind to never totally get comfortable....like my husband and my girlfriends will suddenly find someone better and leave me behind. I know that's sad, and I hope someday I can get past that. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 You have so many sexual partners that it doesn't seem like it's going to be necessary for you to always feel physical attraction specifically to him. But, you respect him, and that matters a lot and it is what sustains relationships for the long haul in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author major_merrick Posted December 23, 2019 Author Share Posted December 23, 2019 Physical attraction to my husband is kind of strange for me. I have sex with women because they are cute or pretty and I like the female form and how women handle in bed. But with women, I'm much more dominant. With my husband, it is different. I get to be vulnerable and affectionate - not quite submissive but definitely not in a dominant role. And of course there's the ability to have kids, and that's instinct at work. IDK how these things will play out over the next three decades. Link to post Share on other sites
greymatter Posted December 23, 2019 Share Posted December 23, 2019 Maybe the fact that you are not actually married to each other will help maintain attraction. As someone else said, you are choosing to be partners. But at least if you two do lost attraction for each other, you both have other sexual partners to turn to. That sounds better to me than being stuck in a long term legal marriage where there is no mutual attraction, desire or appreciation for one another which is all too common. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 One thing that seems to kill attraction is not standing up for yourself in relationship. Sitting on resentments without speaking up ... seems to kill off attraction. I have a buddy who's been married a long time ... he puts up with a lot of nonsense and immaturity with his wife ... He technically treats her wonderfully. But he has absolutely no attraction to her ... and I don't think it's just physical. My buddy avoids arguments ... and frankly, some amount of constructive arguing (without name calling) can be good. Sitting on that anger energy, running from it, seems to cause emotional shutdown that can cause one partner to not want to touch another. Basically attending to your feelings and bringing up stuff that needs discussion ... staying fully real in the present ... is all you can do to keep attraction and a good relationship alive. And of course, that's no guarantee ... We are in the land of mystery to some degree. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted December 29, 2019 Share Posted December 29, 2019 There are lots of youtube videos about the science of how to maintain desire long term. The woman who wrote "Mating in Captivity" is a good start. Link to post Share on other sites
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