How to work through disappointments within interpersonal relationships?

[Alpacalia]

This is a general question and I am hoping for honest feedback.

 

I have some general ideas but putting them into practice has been a struggle.

 

One though that comes to mind: 

How do you keep your standards high and expectations low?

[basil67]

Are you talking about friendships or relationships?    Can you give some examples of what kind of situations you've had in the past? 

[Alpacalia]

I rather not provide any personal romantic examples but interpersonal relationships in general.  I think "expectations" can apply to any relationship be it a friend or romantic partner.

 

But as an example, I'm female and I have a female best friend that I recently connected with.  We were best friends for 20 years but the friendship became so one-sided and I reached my limit and pulled the plug.  I want to avoid that from happening in the future as I do value her friendship and would like to continue having her in my life. 

 

If you need more info let me know.  Thanks.

 

[basil67]

OK, in friendship, only thing we can do to help it along is to not have expectations of how they should interact with us.   Well, I mean you should expect them to not say mean things....but nothing will kill a friendship faster than expectations such as "a good friend will always be there for me" or "a good friend will reach out to me as much as I reach out to them" or "I would expect we'd talk once per week".   People all have different ideas of friendship.  They have different amounts which they want to see each other.  They have different amounts of free time and different needs for contact.   All we can do is try to meet in the middle somewhere.    You may see one best friend twice a week and another one four times a year.

 

 Relationships are different because the end goal is generally living together, so we need to be more compatible than a good friends.  

[basil67]

I should add, some friendships you see each other a lot...then less...then more - depending on how busy your respective lives are.  And don't put all your eggs in one basket.  Have different friends so that if someone gets busy for a bit, you're not stranded.

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

OK, in friendship, only thing we can do to help it along is to not have expectations of how they should interact with us.   Well, I mean you should expect them to not say mean things....but nothing will kill a friendship faster than expectations such as "a good friend will always be there for me" or "a good friend will reach out to me as much as I reach out to them" or "I would expect we'd talk once per week".   People all have different ideas of friendship.  They have different amounts which they want to see each other.  They have different amounts of free time and different needs for contact.   All we can do is try to meet in the middle somewhere.    You may see one best friend twice a week and another one four times a year.

 

 Relationships are different because the end goal is generally living together, so we need to be more compatible than a good friends.  

 

That's good advice. 

 

My female friend had very high expectations on myself I feel, it felt like I always had to drop everything anytime she was in a jam.  Her main issue with me (I think) was I received more attention from other people whenever we were in a group setting.  She would sulk in the corner and I would always have to talk her down from it.

 

The straw that broke the camels back was when she got married she didn't even include me in her wedding but chose one of MY best friends' to be in her wedding instead which I felt was a total slap in the face. 

 

Juvenile female stuff I know.  

 

She reached out to me last year and I never responded but I figured enough time had passed to just call it water under the bridge and so I reached out to her.

[PinkFlamingo]

9 hours ago, Alpaca said:

The straw that broke the camels back was when she got married she didn't even include me in her wedding but chose one of MY best friends' to be in her wedding instead which I felt was a total slap in the face. 

 

Did she ever give you an explanation why she didn't invite you? I had several girlsfriends not invite me to their wedding and I don't think my relationship with them will ever be the same. It's such an important day for many people and not getting an invitation without an explanation beforehand seems very careless regarding the friendship.

[preraph]

Maybe her husband didn't like you.  I have had that happen before.  It wasn't a big wedding though, and I didn't care, as I am not someone keen on that sort of thing, though I'd have gone because she and I had a lot of history.  

[Alpacalia]

53 minutes ago, PinkFlamingo said:

 

Did she ever give you an explanation why she didn't invite you? I had several girlsfriends not invite me to their wedding and I don't think my relationship with them will ever be the same. It's such an important day for many people and not getting an invitation without an explanation beforehand seems very careless regarding the friendship.

 

No.  This was several years ago.  At the time I was pretty hurt over it.

[Alpacalia]

48 minutes ago, preraph said:

Maybe her husband didn't like you.  I have had that happen before.  It wasn't a big wedding though, and I didn't care, as I am not someone keen on that sort of thing, though I'd have gone because she and I had a lot of history.  

 

I only met him once so I don't think that was the reason. 

[basil67]

Alpaca, I think it's foolish to return to a world of her behaviour.   Yes, enough time has passed for you to forgive her, but you know she'll only go and do it again.   Stay away for your own sanity.

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Alpaca, I think it's foolish to return to a world of her behaviour.   Yes, enough time has passed for you to forgive her, but you know she'll only go and do it again.   Stay away for your own sanity.

 

Thanks basil.  I think all will be okay.  I've known her for 20+ years and aside from this blip she has some really good qualities and has been there for me.

[LuckyM]

Lower standards...the higher the expectations, the greater possibility for disappointment.

It's a fact, pointed out by the foremost psychologist William James in  1870's (U.S)

 

No one enjoys doing that..I know.

[spiderowl]

Maybe it's just me but I feel one should be grateful for each meeting with a friend and enjoy it for what it is.  I don't have expectations of friends.  I am happy to see them when I do.  Having said the above, I am usually the one who does not meet very often as I am quite introverted.  Maybe that influences my expectations of friends.